Pooper Mario

By John Koopa

Chapter 5: Hot Trials at Mt. Gonna Erupt Soon

(Bowser Castle)

Princess Peach: So, Twinkie, are you ready to take that Fire Flower to Mario?

Twinkie: Yep! My plothole powers have detected Mario's presence. I'm ready to go!

Peach: Okay, good luck! Oh, and if you find my credit card, please bring it back.

Twinkie: See you later!

Twinkie flies out the window right before Bowser bursts through the door.

Bowser: Yo, Princess!

Peach: Do you always smash down every door you come in through?

Bowser: Anyway, I'm here to show you the new security system I installed to prevent your escape!

Peach: Why would you show me that?

Bowser: So you know how awesome it is! I bet Smith will be really impressed! As a matter of fact, I wish he was here right now!
 

(On a remote island)

Smith: Okay, Commander, Mario is very good at escaping, so we need to be on guard. So, I will personally make sure that-

Smith suddenly disappears.

Kamek: What the...?
 

(Bowser Castle)

Smith appears in the room with Peach and Bowser.

Smith: What th- Oh, it's just you, sir. What is it this time?

Bowser: I wanted to show you both my new security system!

Smith: This can't be good...

Peach: You're telling me...

Bowser: Okay, first, I installed a Sparky in the room!

Smith: No you didn't! I did!

Bowser: Yeah, but I wrote my name on it. Anyway, if you so much as touch this wall, you'll get shocked like this!

Bowser touches the wall and gets shocked.

Bowser: Owwoww! Okay, maybe I shouldn't have put it so clos-

The Sparky moves into Bowser and shocks him again.

Bowser: OWW!!! (Moves away) Okay, next, I also put a Thwomp in this room, so if you ever step into this shadow-

The Thwomp crushes Bowser.

Bowser: Oww! But, I didn't step into the shad-

The Thwomp crushes him again.

Bowser: Will you please- (slam) ...stop coming- (slam) ...down and- (slam) CRUSHING ME?! ... (slam)

Peach and Smith: ...

Bowser: Okay, moving o-

The Thwomp tries to crush Bowser but he dodges it.

Bowser: Haha!

The Thwomp moves sideways and crushes Bowser.

Bowser: Oww... Moving on...

They go into the next room.

Bowser: Now for the next trap, my lava door!

A trap door in the middle of the floor opens up, revealing lava.

Smith: Great, now she knows where it is...

Bowser: Well, I think that's-

Suddenly Bowser drops a pair of needles in the lava.

Bowser: Noo! My knitting needles!!!

Bowser dives into the lava to look for the needles, but doesn't find them and hops out.

Bowser: Nope, couldn't find them.

Peach: But... you just swam through lava!

Smith: It's "Bowser Physics".

Bowser wipes the lava off with a towel, then tosses it to the ground, burning a hole in the floor.

Bowser: Ahh... Oh well. Next room.

They go into the next room.

Bowser: Now, for my ultimate trap! Behold!!!

The wall opens up, revealing hundreds of Bullet Bill Cannons, Bob-ombs, torpedoes, and other weapons and ammo.

Peach: Wow, that's pretty impressive!

Smith: Yes, but may I ask just one thing?

Bowser: Yes?

Smith: Why did you put our ENTIRE stock of live ammunition in ONE ROOM?!

Bowser: To prevent Peach from escaping!

Smith: Okay, so what triggers it? Movement?

Bowser: No, it has a metal detector.

Smith: ... BUT PEACH HAS NO METAL!!!

Bowser: Yes, so here's a list of all the metal items I want you to give Peach.

Smith: (reading the list) Uhh... I don't think giving her this stuff is a good idea...

Bowser: Just do it.

Smith: *sigh...*

Smith walks up to Peach.

Smith: Okay, Peach, I have something for you.

Peach: Okay.

Smith: So, here's a grappling hook, a sword, a suit of armor, a steel disguise of a Koopatrol, a Bob-omb Cannon, and a master key to the castle.

Peach: Uhh... Thanks... I'm sure this will stop me from escaping...

Peach leaves the room.

Bowser: Well, all in all, I guess it was a pretty good day. I just wish I hadn't lost my metal knitting needles.

The Star Rod glows.

Bowser: Yay, my knitting needles!

Cannons: Metal detected. Opening fire.

The cannons all blast Bowser.

Bowser: Auugh! I wish those cannons had never fired!

The Star Rod glows.

Cannons: Reloaded. Metal detected. Open fire.

The cannons all blast Bowser again.

Smith: So, Bowser, any more bright ideas?

Bowser: Yes! I have a new plan to stop Mario from escaping! I wish we were back in my control room!

(In Bowser's control room)

Bowser: Hmm... Who should I send to stop Mario from escaping...?

Smith: Why don't you just go get him yourself?

Bowser: Because a villain like me has got to be mysterious.

Smith: You are about as mysterious as a phone book.

Bowser: Hmm... Oh, I know! JUNIOR!! ... Junior?

Bowser Jr (from afar): I'm in a level!

Bowser: Uugh... "Super Mario Galaxy" again? Well, how close are you to being done?

Bowser Jr: I only need to hit you one more time!

Bowser: Oh, good... Wait, WHAT?!

Bowser Jr: It's the final boss!

Bowser: Arrghh!! Jeeze, Jr. would probably louse this up if left alone...

Smith: You should talk...

Bowser: So, I'll send Kamek with him.

Smith: Kamek is already there.....

Bowser: Anyway, it's time to check my mail.

Bowser opens the mailbox and finds a Bob-omb inside.

Bowser: EEK!!!

The Bob-omb explodes and destroys the mailbox.

Smith: What in the world?!

Bowser: I can't believe it! Someone put a Bob-omb in my mailbox!

Smith: Yeah, but who?

Bowser: And why would they want to assassinate my mailbox?

Smith: ... I can see why someone would want to get rid of you...

Bowser: Wait a minute! I remember now! I put that Bob-omb in my mailbox!

Smith: ... YOU put it in?! WHY?!

Bowser: So no one can steal my mail!

Smith: I hate to break it to you, but now there isn't any mail to steal.

Bowser: Exactly! It worked! Besides, I put the Bob-omb in a decoy box!

Smith: Okay... I guess that's pretty smart.

Bowser: I used your mailbox as the decoy.

Smith: WHAT?!

Bowser: Well, if there isn't any more-

A mailbox is heard exploding from afar.

Bowser: *gasp* MY MAILBOX!!!

Bowser runs off.

Smith: Ahh, sweet revenge.
 

(Back on the remote island)

Mario: Well, guys, now that Smith is gone, we should try to escape.

Rob-omb: Bootler, remind me why you can't just pass through the bars?

Bootler: Well, old bomb, I can't pass through iron.

Rob-omb: But the bars are steel!

Bootler: Yes, but they're too close together.

Mario: Don't worry, I got this.

Kamek: You know, I'll never understa-

Mario: Excuse me!

Kamek: What do you want?

Mario: Look over there!

Kamek: No.

Mario: Just look over there!

Kamek: No.

Mario: Why not?

Kamek: If I look over there, you'll find a way to escape.

Mario: Drat! Sorry, guys, I tried.

Rob-omb: Great. Now what?

Suddenly a star sprite flies into the cage.

Twinkie: Whew! I'm glad I'm not too late!

Mario: Who are you?

Twinkie: Don't you remember me? I'm Twinkie! We met earlier at E. Gadd's garage!

Mario: Twinkie who?

Twinkie: *sigh...* Look, Princess Peach sent me here to help you.

Rob-omb: How?

Twinkie: By giving you this!

Twinkie hands Mario a Fire Flower.

Mario: YES!!!

Mario transforms into Fire Mario.

Kamek: Hey! What do you think you're doing?!

Mario blasts through the cage with Mario Finale.

Mario: We're free!

Rob-omb: And back in action!

Bootler: I say, old bomb, let's give him a royal thrashing!

Kamek: We'll see about that!

Kamek transforms the broken cage into four Koopatrols.

Koopatrols: Get ready to be schooled!

{Battle Sequence}

Mario: 85 HP
Rob-omb: 95 HP
Bootler: 4 HP
Vs
Kamek: 80 HP
Koopatrol 1: 90 HP
Koopatrol 2: 90 HP
Koopatrol 3: 90 HP
Koopatrol 4: 90 HP

Mario: Fireball!
(Koopatrol 1: 90 HP)

Rob-omb: Why would you use a fire attack on a Koopatrol?!

Mario: I don't like the way he looked at me.

Rob-omb: Whatever. Hold Fast!
(Rob-omb becomes electrified)

Bootler: Veil!
(Bootler pulls Mario and Rob-omb into the shadows)

Mario: Cool! You're better than I thought!

Rob-omb: But why now?! I was electrified! It'll wear off soon!

Bootler: I say, old bomb, you've got to be more patient. Learn to enjoy life!

Kamek: Enough! Time for my Summoning Powers!
(Kamek blasts the cage, and Waluigi appears with an army helmet)

Kamek: What?! What are you doing here?!

Waluigi: I thought the corps would help me straighten out my life, SIR!!!

Kamek: The corps... Aww, whatever.

Koopatrol 1: Charge up!
(ATK: + 8)

Koopatrol 2: Charge up!
(ATK: + 8)

Koopatrol 3: Charge up!
(ATK: + 8)

Koopatrol 4: Charge up!
(ATK: + 8)

Rob-omb: We're so dead...
(Veil wears off)

Mario: Oh, no!

Kamek: Gahahahaa!! Now, to finish-

Suddenly a loud ringing is heard.

Kamek: Oh, great, it's Bowser again...

Kamek pulls out an iPhone.

Kamek: What is it now, Your Awfulness?

Mario: Quick! Let's bolt!

Mario and Co. flee the battle.

Kamek: (hanging up) Wha- HEY!!!

{Battle Over}

Kamek: I knew Bowser would find a way to mess this up...
 

(Later...)

Mario: Whew... I think we lost him...

A fireball blasts next to Mario.

Rob-omb: YOU THOUGHT WRONG!!!

Bootler: Oh, sorry, that was actually me.

Mario: WHAT?!

Bootler: When I make a cup of coffee, I make it HOT.

Rob-omb: Jeeze, keep it away from me!

Mario: Come on, guys, we need to figure out what to do. Kamek will be after us soon!

Rob-omb: Well, we need to decide whether to look for Luigi and the others, or the next Sacred Bean.

Mario: Hmm... My brother and my friends, or a bean... I can't decide.

Bootler: I say, old chap, Luigi and the others are tough. They'll be fine! We should concentrate on the next Sacred Bean.

Mario: You're right! They can take care of themselves. But where do we look?

Rob-omb: I remember that the map said that the next Sacred Bean is near a volcano on a deserted island.

Mario: But where is it?

Rob-omb: You don't remember?! You looked at it five minutes ago!

Mario: Four minutes and thirty-three seconds too long.

Rob-omb: Uugh... *pulls out a map* It's here, fifteen miles off the coast of Toad Town beach. We can take a boat there.

Rob-omb: All right, LET'S-A GO!!!

Rob-omb: You know, I think that's annoying too.
 

(In the Looney Bin)

Luigi: *pant...* Where is the exit?!

Shif T: I told you we should've taken that last right.

Luigi: Well, that's what we get for letting the Plane lead the way.

Shif T: I certainly hope that Mario has gotten away and started looking for us, and has not just run off looking for the next Sacred Bean...

Anti Guy: Don't be silly. Mario would never abandon us like this!
 

(Toad Town)

Mario: I'm sure glad I decided to abandon Luigi like this!

They come up to a green boat.

Rob-omb: We would like a ride to "Really Hot Place Island".

Jade Blooper: Certainly, for I am Jade Blooper, master of the seas! I can get you there in 3,279,716,521 shakes of a lamb's tail!

Mario: Uhh...Right. Let's go.

They get onboard and Jade Blooper uses one oar and paddles in a circle.

Mario: What are you doing?!

Jade Blooper: I am rowing because the engine is dead.

Rob-omb: But, why are you using one oar?!

Jade Blooper: So that if my arm gets tired, I can switch to the other!

Mario: *sigh...* Give me an oar.

Jade Blooper gives Mario an oar.

Mario: Now, let's-a row.

Mario and Jade Blooper both row in the same direction.

Rob-omb: Oh, blast it all!

Mario: Don't row in the same direction as me, idiot!

Mario and Jade Blooper switch to the other side.

Mario: ... We're doing it again!

Rob-omb: This is getting nowhere. Why can't we fix the engine?

Jade Blooper: Very well. I'll look at the engine.

Jade Blooper looks at the engine.

Mario: Hey, what does this button do?

Mario honks the horn in Jade Blooper's face.

Jade Blooper: Aauugh!! Why don't you do something to help me?!

Mario: What can I do?

Jade Blooper: Throw out the clutch!

Mario yanks the clutch out and throws it into the sea.

Jade Blooper: ... Well, looks like we'd better start rowing...

After five hours of rowing in circles, Mario somehow fixes the engine.

Mario: Okay, it should work now.

Rob-omb: How'd you do that?!

Mario: Do what?

After four more hours of surprisingly smooth sailing, Mario and Co. arrive on the island.

Jade Blooper: Thanks for riding! ...imbeciles...

Jade Blooper sails off.

Mario: Well, it's time to start looking.

They walk into a small village.

Yoshi: Yoshi! (Welcome to Yoshi village, travelers!)

Rob-omb: What did he say?

Mario: Don't worry, I speak Yoshi. Ahem. Yooshii? (Gudentag! Do you know where the Sacred Bean is?)

Yoshi: *gasp* Yoshi YOSH!!! (Oh, no! You want that?! But it belongs to the big meanie who owns that hotel!

Yoshi points to a huge, multistory hotel.

Mario: Yo, Yoshi? (Well, why can't we just ask him for it?)

Yoshi: Yoshi... (What part of "big meanie" did you not understand?)

Mario: YO!!! (Well, we have to try! Come on, gang!!)

Rob-omb: Uuh... What was all that about?

Mario explains.

Rob-omb: No, he didn't!

Yes, he did. It was just off screen.

Rob-omb: Oh.

Bootler: Well, then, let us be off!

Mario and Co. enter the hotel.

On a nearby clif...

???: Hmm... So Mario IS after the Sacred Bean after all... but I'll beat him to it.

Kamek: Yes, Lord Bowser Jr...

Bowser Jr: Mwahahahahaa!!!

(Inside the hotel)

Bootler: I say, it is rather posh in here, isn't it?

Mario: Let's ring the bell.

Mario rings the bell.

Hotel Guy: Welcome to Lavalava Towers! May I help you?

Mario rings again.

Hotel Guy: Err... I heard you already.

Mario rings again.

Hotel Guy: You don't need to keep-

Mario rings again.

Hotel Guy: STOP!!! Jeeze, what's wrong with you?!

Mario: I get that a lot.

Rob-omb: He likes ringing bells.

Bootler: Good day, sir. We are seeking the proprietor of this establishment.

Hotel Guy: Oh, the boss. Right this way.

They enter an elevator.

Hotel Guy: The boss is on floor 13.

Mario: Ooh, shiny buttons!!

Mario pushes all the buttons.

Hotel Guy: I hate my life...

Rob-omb: We get that a lot too.
 

(Five hours later)

Hotel Guy: Ahh, finally! We're here!

Mario: Oops, I missed a button!

Hotel Guy: AAAGH!!!
 

(Three more hours later)

Mario: Well, we're here!

Hotel Guy: That's it! I quit!

Hotel Guy leaves.

Mario: ...

Rob-omb: You took his wallet, didn't you?

Mario: Well, he wasn't using it!

Bootler: I say, you're starting to sound like that Shif T fellow!

Mario: Well, time to meet the boss.

They come up to a large desk. A man sitting in a chair facing the window is seen.

???: It's been a while, boys. You've done well to sneak into my tower and wriggle your way all the way up here. I suppose the least I can do is commend you for your reckless courage. My name is Wario...

The man spins around in his chair.

Wario: -and I'm the master of Lavalava Towers.

Mario: WARIO!!!

Rob-omb: Okay, 1: We didn't sneak. 2: We took an elevator, and 3: You're a dork.

Bootler: I say, you are a rather repugnant individual.

Wario: Oh, yeah? Well, who owns the giant multistory hotel? Not YOU!

Mario: Give us the Sacred Bean!

Wario: Oh, you want THIS?

Wario pulls out the Sacred Bean.

Wario: Behold, the Obsidian Bean, forged from the power of the ancients and the very fabric of the volcano itself! With this, I shall rule the world!!!

Rob-omb: Jeeze, since when did Wario get so scary?

Mario: If you don't give that bean to us, we'll give you a very stern look!

Rob-omb: Uh, what he meant to say was, hand it over or we'll crush you!

Wario: Very well... Then we must do battle.

Wario pulls out four ? Blocks.

Wario: But first, let's make it interesting. Each one of us gets a power-up. That way, I can humiliate you by beating you at your best!

Mario and Co: BRING IT ON!!!

{Battle Sequence}

Mario: 85 HP
Rob-omb: 95 HP
Bootler: 4 HP
Vs
Wario: 100 HP

Wario: Power up! WARIO MAN!!!
(Wario becomes Wario Man. Wario: 200 HP)

Rob-omb: Power up! GOLD BOMBER!!!
(Rob-omb turns gold. Rob-omb: 135 HP)

Bootler: Power up! MEGA BOO!!!
(Bootler becomes giant. Bootler: 6 HP)

Mario: Power up!
(Mario puts on a second cap under his first)
Mario: MARIO MARIO!!!
(Mario: 85 HP)

Wario: ...

Rob-omb: WHAAT?! What's the difference?!

Mario: Well, you see, now I'm wearing two hats.

Rob-omb: But, that's totally worthless!

Bootler: Actually, I think it's a bold fashion statement.

Wario: Enough! NOW WE DUEL!!!

Mario: RUBY INFERNO!!!
(A massive red meteor crashes down on Wario, covering him in searing flames)
Wario: Arrgh... Good! I expected nothing less from my greatest adversary!
(Wario: 175 HP)

Rob-omb: GIGA BURST!!!
(Rob-omb explodes next to Wario, covering him in gold shards)
Wario: Uurgh...
(Wario: 142 HP)

Bootler: Invisi-cloak!!
(Bootler makes Mario invisible)

Wario: Hmm... Well played. But now it's my turn! DUAL BOMB STRIKERS!!!
(Wario hurls two scarlet bombs at Bootler)
Bootler: Ha HA!!
(Bootler dodges the bombs)

Wario: What's this?! But how?!

Bootler: Hah! I may have low HP, but I can dodge almost anything!

Mario: Aha! So THAT'S Bootler's use! He's a supporter!!

Rob-omb: Wow, I misjudged you, Bootler!

Bootler: Think nothing of it, dear boy.

Mario: All right, let's go! Fireball Barrage!
(Mario hurls a wave of fireballs at Wario)
Wario: HAH!!!
(Wario superguards against them)

Mario: WHAT?!

Wario: What, you thought you were the only one who could use a superguard?

Rob-omb: Whatever! Bomb Squad!
(Rob-omb launches time bombs near Wario)

Bootler: Now, for my attack, Haunted Laser!
(Bootler fires an odd beam from his eyes at Wario)
Wario: Hmm... That's all?
(Wario: 128 HP)
Bootler: Not quite; you see, anyone hit by my Haunted Laser gets poisoned!
Wario: Grr...
(Wario is poisoned)

Wario: You think yer' so tough? Then take THIS! GARLIC BOMB!!!
(Wario hurls garlic at Rob-omb that then explodes)
Rob-omb: AAUGH!!!
(Rob-omb: 97 HP)

Mario: How can garlic explode?!

Rob-omb: Oh, yeah, I'm okay, thanks for asking...

Mario: Eat this! Smoothie Rain!!
(Mario hurls smoothies at Wario)
Rob-omb: Where did you get those smoothies?
Mario: What did you think I did with the ones the Plane gave me?
Wario: Hmph.
(Wario: 111 HP)

Bootler: Boo hoo for you! Go, Boomb!
(Bootler hurls a bomb shaped like a Boo)
Wario: "Boomb"?!
(Wario: 94 HP)
Bootler: And now, dear baboon, you will feel the poison!
(Wario gets hurt by poison. Wario: 82)

Wario: Oh, yeah? Well, eat my Hotel Coasters!
(Wario hurls table coasters at Mario)
Mario: Oww! MY EYES!!!
(Mario: 55 HP)

Bootler: But it hit your stomach, not your eyes!

Rob-omb: Curse you, Wario! Or should I say... FARTIO!!!

Wario: ... "Fartio"?

Rob-omb: Err... Well, I didn't have enough time to think.

Mario: Here's one: Burning Drill!
(Mario lights on fire and flies at Wario like a corkscrew)
Wario: Oww... Nice comeback.
(Wario: 63 HP)

Rob-omb: Now, for mine! Hold Fast!
(Rob-omb becomes electrified)

Bootler: Invisi-cloak!
(Bootler makes Rob-omb invisible)

Rob-omb: ARRGH!!! You idiot! You did it again! I was electrified!!

Bootler: Well, I thought it was a good combo.

(Wario gets hurt by poison. Wario: 45 HP)

Wario: Arrgh... HAH! Fools! Now that you've hurt me enough, my dreaded Fart Cannon is at full power!!!
(Wario does hit fart attack from SSBB.)
(Bootler: 0 HP)

Mario: NOO!!! BOOTLER!!! Now what?!

Rob-omb: Relax, Mario. I've got it covered.

Wario: What?!

Rob-omb: Remember my time bombs?
Wario: Oh, NOO!!! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!
(The bombs blow up on Wario.)
(Wario: 0 HP)

{Battle Over}

Mario: Haa... hoo... whew...

Wario: Huff... hack... You're better than I thought.

Mario: Wario, please give us the Sacred Bean. We need it to save the world!

Wario: Huh? Save the world?!

Rob-omb: That's right! Bowser is trying to takeover the world with the Star Rod!

Wario: I can't believe it!

Bootler: Not to mention, old bean, that he could destroy us all if we don't get that bean!

Wario: Hmm... Why didn't you tell me all this before we had our climactic duel?

Mario: Uuh... You didn't ask.

Wario: ...

Bootler: Will you give us that bean, old bean?

Rob-omb: STOP SAYING THAT!!!

Wario: Hmm... No world means no money... Fine, I'll do it.

Wario hands Mario the Sacred Bean.

Rob-omb: Woah, this is the shortest chapter I've been through!

Mario: Yes! I got-a the Sacred Bean!!

Suddenly Kamek swoops down and swipes it.

Mario: Now I don't got-a the Sacred Bean!!

Kamek: Hya ha ha ha!!

Rob-omb: KAMEK?! Where did you come from?!

Kamek: You do realize I can teleport, right?

Mario: Give us that bean back!

Kamek: No.

Mario: Dang. Well, I tried.

Suddenly Bowser Jr's airship bursts through the window.

Bowser Jr: Hahaha! Now who's got the upper hand? You losers lose!

Bootler: I say, what a reprehensible child.

Kamek: If you want the bean back, come fight us at Mt. Gonna Erupt Soon! Ha ha ha!

Kamek and Jr. fly off.

Rob-omb: I knew things couldn't be this easy.

Wario: Jeeze, what jerks.

Mario: You should talk...

Bootler: I say, how can we get to the mountain?

Mario: Hmm... I bet Wario knows the way. Wario, could you lead us there?

Wario: Yes, I could.

Mario: Will you?

Wario: No.

Mario: Didn't think so.

Rob-omb: Well fine, but when we beat Bowser, we'll keep all his treasure for ourselves.

Mario and Wario: T-t-treasure?!

Rob-omb: Yep. Treasure.

Wario: Hmm... Fine, I'll do it.
(Team members: 4)

Wario: Okay, let's-a go!

Rob-omb: You know, I think I like it better when Wario says it.

Mario: ...

(Outside)

Wario: Okay, it's this wa-

Suddenly an extraordinarily massive tremor is felt.

Mario: WOAH!!! What was that?!

A Yoshi runs up.

Yoshi: Yoshi... Okay, enough with this stupid language. I'm not a Pokemon.

Rob-omb: What's going on?!

Yoshi: The volcano is gonna erupt soon!

Rob-omb: I know what it's called, but what's happening?

Yoshi: No, really! It's gonna erupt!

Yoshi Elder: But why?! It hasn't erupted in 200 years!

Yoshi: Exactly, it erupts every 200 years!

Bootler: I say, we're in a rather sticky wicket...

Wario: We'd better hurry and get that bean back, quick!

They run off.

Yoshi Elder: ... Well, we won't be seeing them again.

Yoshi: We won't be seeing anything again if we don't evacuate!

Yoshi Elder: Right! Proceed with evacuation plan Delta-X 1-A!!

(On a cliff)

Wario: Hmm... The path is blocked off. We can't get there like this!

Mario: Now what do we do?

Suddenly a large bird walks up.

???: Haha! You travelers need help? Behold, the king of all flightless birds! I am Raphael the Penguin!

Rob-omb: ... A penguin? What in the world is a penguin doing at a volcano?!

Raphael: My vacation home is here. Anyway, what are you folks doing here at Mt. Gonna Erupt Soon?

Mario: Mt. Gona Erupt Soon... It must be native for "Perfectly Safe Area".

Rob-omb: Weren't you listening at all earlier?

Wario: Anyway, we need to get to the volcano.

Raphael: No need to worry! I can fly you there!

Mario and Co. burst out laughing.

Rob-omb: Hah! Penguins can't fly!

Mario: They can't?

Raphael: Maybe not, but I can still fly you there.

Wario: Oh, yeah? How?

Raphael: Like this!

A massive ship that looks just like the Halberd from SSBB except with a bird's beak appears.

Wario: ... Woah.

Raphael: Behold, the "Halbird"!

Rob-omb: Wow, that was just bad.

Raphael: Come onboard! I'll fly you to the top!

They board the Halbird and it takes off.

Raphael: Why don't you meet the crew?

A bunch of penguins with army helmets arrive.

Raphael: They may not look like much, but these brave soldiers can fight like crazy!

Mario: Good, because we're expecting trouble.
 

(At the volcano)

Bowser Jr: Hah! So, they are coming after all!

Kamek: It would appear so, Sire.

Bowser Jr: Mobalize my airship. I'll deal with Mario personally... along with my army of Koopatrols.

Kamek: Yes, Master.

They fly off to intercept the Halbird.
 

(On the Halbird's bridge)

Penguin Soldier: Incoming vessel! It appears to be a K-class battle cruiser bearing weapons!

Raphael: Battlestations!

Mario: It's Bowser J.!

The two ships fly parallel to each other.

Bowser Jr: Ha ha! Yer' gonna get sunk, Mario!

Mario: Not if I can help it, turtle boy!

Raphael: Penguins, ready!!

Bowser Jr: Koopatrols, to arms!!

Both: Cannons, OPEN FIRE!!!

{Battle Seqence}

Halbird: 500 HP
Vs
Airship: 450 HP

Bowser Jr: Bullet Bills, LAUNCH!!!
(The airship launches a wave of Bullet Bills at the Halbird)
Raphael: Urrgh!
(Halbird: 410 HP)

Penguin Captain: Returning fire! Beak Blasters!
(The Halbird fires lasers from the beak on the bow)
Bowser Jr: Raise the shields!!
Kamek: Umm...we don't have any shields.
Bowser Jr: Dang, I knew I should've bought the deluxe brand...
(Airship: 380 HP)

Kamek: Koopatrols, fire the Bob-omb cannons!
Koopatrols: Aye, sir!
(The airship fires Bob-ombs at the Halbird.)
(Halbird: 340 HP)

Raphael: Evasive maneuvers! Fire the Chaff Grenade!

Penguin: Aren't you thinking of something else?

Mario: Fireball!
(Mario hurls a fireball at the airship)
Kamek: Dang, I knew I shouldn't have made the ship out of wood.
(Airship: 300 HP)

Bowser Jr: Grr! Enough of this! Koopatrols, board their vessel!
(The airship rams the Halbird and Koopatrols rush onboard)

Raphael: Penguins! Defend the craft at all costs!!

The penguins charge the Koopatrols and battle them.

Mario: Now itís our turn!

Rob-omb: Let's get 'em!

Bootler: I say, CHAAARGE!!!

Wario: WARIO'S NUMBER ONE!!!

Bowser Jr: YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!!!

Kamek: You won't escape me THIS TIME!!!

{BOSS BATTLE!!!}

Mario: 90 HP
Rob-omb: 100 HP
Bootler: 5 HP
Wario: 110 HP
Halbird: 340 HP
Vs
Bowser Jr: 105 HP
Kamek: 80 HP
Koopatrol 1 2 3 & 4: 90 HP
Airship: 300 HP

Mario: Hammer Strike!
(Mario hits Koopatrol 1 with a hammer)
Mario: That's for looking at me like that!
(Koopatrol 1: 76 HP)

Rob-omb: Bomb Squad!
(Rob-omb launches the time bombs)

Bootler: Invisi-cloak!
(Bootler makes Mario invisible)

Wario: Garlic Toast!
(Wario eats a loaf of garlic bread. Wario: ATK+8)

Bowser Jr: Disguise cloak!
(Bowser Jr. becomes Shadow Mario)

Shadow Mario: Haha!! Now I've got all your powers!!

Rob-omb: Shadow Mario... He makes me sick just looking at him. Those big bulgy overalls, that dumb cap, that ugly round nose, and that STUPID mustache!

Mario: Uhh... Ahem.

Rob-omb: Oh, but it looks good on you, Mario!

Kamek: Excellent choice as usual, Master. Now then, go, Magistom!!!
(Kamek fires a massive barrage of magic shapes at Wario)
Wario: Arrgh!
(Wario: 97 HP)

Koopatrol 1 2 3 & 4: Charge! (ATK: + 8)

Raphael: Halbird cannons, FIRE!!!
(Airship: 260 HP)

Koopa Captain: Green Shell Cannons, FIRE!!!
(The airship launches green shells at the Halbird.)
(Halbird: 275 HP)

Mario: You think you can beat me with a fake like that? Power Smash!
(Shadow Mario: 87 HP)

Rob-omb: Bomb Squad!
(Rob-omb launches more time bombs)

Wario: Body Slam!!
(Koopatrol 2: 54 HP)

Bootler: Veil!
Rob-omb: Ahh, at last! Perfect timing!
Bootler: Thank you.
(They hide in the shadows)

Koopatrols: Blast it.

Shadow Mario: Magic M!!!
(Shadow Mario paints a large M on the deck)

Kamek: Sire, this is no time for doodling!

Shadow Mario: Hah! Fool! Its power is incomprehensible!

Koopatrol 1: Since when did you learn that word, Bowser Jr?

Kamek: Quiet, fool! Illusion Powers!
(Four Kameks appear next to the original)
Kamek: Haha!

Koopatrols: Shell Shield!
(DEF: + 4)

Mario and Co. reemerge.

Shadow Mario: Hah! The M I painted is made of electric goop!
(The M shocks Mario and Co.)
(Mario: 80 HP)
(Rob-omb: 90 HP)
(Wario: 87 HP)
(Bootler floats over it)

Rob-omb: Urgh! Oh, yeah? Well, it's time for my time bombs!
(The time bombs detonate on Shadow Mario and Co.)
(Shadow Mario: 84 HP)
(Kamek: Illusion takes the blast)
(Koopatrol 1: 56 HP)
(Koopatrol 2: 38 HP)
(Koopatrol 3 & 4: 70 HP)

Shadow Mario: Grr... Well played.

Raphael: Wing Attack!
(The Halbird smacks the airship with it's armored wing.)
(Airship: 200 HP)

Koopa Captain: Red Shell Cannons!!
(The airship fires red shells at the Halbird)
(Halbird: 200 HP)

Mario: Ruby Inferno!!!
Shadow Mario: GRR!!!
(Shadow Mario: 62 HP)

Rob-omb: Bob-ombast!!!
(Kamek: 55 HP)

Koopatrols: (dodging) Jeeze, this wasn't in our contract!

Bootler: Hot Coffee Spill!
(Bootler spills hot coffee on Kamek)
Kamek: OWW!!! That's a lot more dangerous than you might think!
(Kamek: 37 HP)

Wario: Dual Bomb Strikers!
(The bombs hit the Koopatrols)
(Koopatrol 1: 14 HP)
(Koopatrol 2: 23 HP)
(Koopatrols 3 & 4: 45 HP)

Shadow Mario: Oh, yeah? Ultra Jump!
(Shadow Mario jumps on Mario and Co.)
(Mario: 57 HP)
(Rob-omb: 64 HP)
(Wario: 60 HP)
Bootler: 0 HP)
Bootler: I dare say I'm finished...

Mario: You'll pay for that!!

Kamek: Not before this! Healing Energy!
(Shadow Mario: 72 HP)

Koopatrols: Spike Slam!!
(The four Koopatrols charge at Wario and slam their spikes into him.)
(Wario: 0 HP)
Wario: Urrgh... I can't hang on...

Rob-omb: Blast it!

Raphael: Mega Cannon!!!
(The Halbird fires a massive beam at the airship.
(Airship: 125 HP)

Koopa Captain: BLUE SHELL CANNONS!!!
(The airship fires a wave of blue shells that detonate on the Halbird.)
(Halbird: 75 HP)

Raphael: We're losing!

Mario: Not if I can help it! I can't let this happen! It's time
for... MARIO FINALE!!!
(Airship: 55 HP)

Shadow Mario: Blast you, Mario!

Rob-omb: Hey, that's a good idea! Bob-ombast, full power!!!
(Koopatrols 1 & 2: 0 HP)
(Koopatrols 3 & 4: 25 HP)
(Shadow Mario: 45 HP)
(Kamek: 22 HP))

Shadow Mario: Dang it! You may have evened the score, but I can still win! Charge Up!!!
(Shadow Mario: ATK + 9)

Kamek: Magistorm!
(Mario: 11 HP)

Raphael: It ends here! Full Speed Ram!!!
(The Halbird rams the airship.)
(Airship: 0 HP)

Kamek: Noo!! We're going down!!

Shadow Mario: Then I'll take Mario with me!!!

Mario: Not if I can help it! Combo Move!

Rob-omb: Final Blast!!!
Mario: Mario Finale!!!
(Shadow Mario, Kamek, & Koopatrols: 0 HP)

Shadow Mario: NOOOOOOOO!!!

{BOSS BATTLE ENDED!!!}

Mario: Hyaaa!!!

Mario grabs the Sacred Bean.

Kamek: Grr!! Retreat! All personnel, get to the escape pods! Close up the Bartells! Evacuate the Zoo!! CODE RED!!!

Raphael: Quick, we've got to get out of here! The volcano is going to erupt!!

The Halbird flies off.

Kamek: We've got to leave too, sir!

Shadow Mario: Grr... Fine.

Kamek and Bowser Jr. fly off just before the airship crashes and explodes.
 

(On the Halbird bridge)

Wario: Wait! I have a huge gold statue of me back at the hotel! I can't leave without it!

Mario: Wario, it's your statue or your life!

Wario: Hmm... I need time to think.

Mario: WARIO!!!

Wario: Okay, fine, jeeze.

Bootler: I say, I hope the Yoshis have all gotten to safety.

Rob-omb: I'm sure they have. They had plenty of time.

The Halbird speeds up.

Mario: Oh, man, are we gonna make it?!

Raphael: I'm givin' her all she's got!

Rob-omb: It's gonna happen any second now!!

Wario: Come on!!!
 

(Back at the volcano)

Angry Sun: Hah!! A long last, I'll get those creeps! They may have gotten lucky once, twice, or even three times, BUT THEY AIN'T GET-

The volcano erupts, completely obliterating the island just as the Halbird escapes.

Mario and Co: YEEEEEHAAAAAAWWWW!!!

Raphael: WAHOOOOO!!!

Penguins: HURRAH!!!

Mario: WE DID IT!!!

Rob-omb: Wahohohohohooooo!!!

Bootler: And just in time for tea!

Wario: Aww... All my money...

Mario: But once we beat Bowser, you can have his treasure!

Wario: WAHOO!!!

Suddenly they see Jade Blooper's ship below.

Yoshis: Hey, Mario! We made it!!!

Jade Blooper: I saw them trying to dog-paddle to the mainland, so I picked them up!

Mario: All right!!!

Bootler: I'd say this mess is patched up rather well.

Rob-omb: But I can't help feeling that we forgot something...
 

(In the Looney Bin)

Shif T: ... He's not coming, is he?

Luigi: Nope.

Read on!


 
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