Pooper Mario

By John Koopa

Chapter 6: Perspective, continued

(Shif T's personal narrative)

Shif T Narrating: It was a typical day in our toy-filled prison. Hopefully, this would be the day we finally escaped and continued with our
epic adventure. My comrade Luigi was feeling down as usual. "Cheer up, Luigi! Remember, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade!"

At this, my companion snorted disdainfully. "Bah! I hate lemons. When life gives me lemons, I give them back. Or better yet, I take them to some crazy scientist like E. Gadd and turn them into combustible lemons to throw at
life's house! How do you like that, life?! I'm gonna burn your house down with combustible lemons!"

I was in shock, to say the least. "Really? When life gives me lemons, I usually sell them to the used car salesman down the block. I hear he likes to sell lemons."

As we went on and the Plane ordered some pizza, we got the luckiest break ever! Mario and his friends finally found us! "Hey, guys! We made it!" called Mario.

"Hey, Mario! Great to se you!" called back Luigi. At long last, our epic journey could continue! Unfortunately, along the way, Wario began falsely accusing me of plundering his wallet. I would never steal from anyone! Sadly, Wario wasn't in the mood to listen, and he quickly hurled a toy brick made of Styrofoam, thinking it was real. It was then that Luigi dashed out of the box, and we had try to catch
up. The heroic adventure continues!

After we told each other our stories, we began our trek into the Flower Fields. However, when we arrived at the gate, the wind picked up... the ground quaked... the sky grew dark... and out from the woods emerged a truly worth adversary!!! What a mighty foe! It was so terrible that Luigi was about to run away! This would truly be the clash of the decades!!!

{Battle Sequence}

???: ?? HP
Mario: 95 HP
Rob-omb: 105 HP
Bootler: 6 HP
Shif T: 100 HP
Luigi: 111 HP
Wario: 115 HP
Anti Guy: 45 HP
Plane: 65 HP

Shif T Narrating: Well, I was about to strike at this warrior, but Mario jumped forward with his hammer, ran into a tree, dropped the hammer on his foot, and slammed his head onto a tree branch. (Mario: 71 HP) Then, I saw Wario... and he was EATING his BIKE!!! "What are you doing?!" I asked in complete shock.

"I'm having lunch," he replied. "This is my favorite bike. It tastes great! Wanna try some?"

Then, to make matters worse, I saw Bootler pick up one of the Plane's anvils to throw at our foe, but he missed and hit Luigi. (Luigi: 89 HP) Then, I saw Wario throw away one of his wheels, saying it needed more salsa. The wheel hit Rob-omb right as he was about to hit our adversary, and instead hit Luigi. (Luigi: 67
HP) Then, Luigi tried to do a Super Jump, but Wario threw away another wheel, and Luigi tripped on it and hit a tree branch. (Luigi: 45 HP) Also, Mario tried to help Luigi down, but the Plane tripped him up and Luigi fell hard. (Luigi: 23 HP) Finally, seeing that my teammates would be no help to me in this battle, I delivered a punch to this warrior by
UPS. Then, seeing that we were too much for him, our foe made a strategic and honorable retreat.

{Battle Over}

Shif Narrating: After our narrow victory over the mighty warrior, we continued into the Flower Fields. Unfortunately, the road forked and Mario and the others went right. However, I had a problem with this once. It was in the Looney Bin, and I had to go either left or right.
When I chose to go right, a band of thieves renowned for their cruelty ambushed me and tortured me beyond imagination. After that, I vowed that I would never turn right again when the road forked. Now, with this conflict, I chose to go left. This was where I became a lone wolf flying solo...

(The Wolfen from Star Fox 64 flies down)

Wolf: Join the club, pal.

Shif T Narrating: Uhh... On my solo quest, I ran into many strange creatures, traps, mazes, and trials. It was so long, it had to have been
almost five minutes! Finally, somehow I found my way into the Fields and found Mario and co. "Yo, Shif T! What took you so long?" asked Mario.

"Well, I ran into a little trouble on the way. What's going on?"

After Mario filled me in on what was happening, I was distressed at the thought of losing our Sacred Bean, but I conceded that it must be done. "But, we need the Sun for this!" And so, after careful consideration, we headed
for Dry Dry Desert...

"But I don't wanna!" cried Luigi. "It's my naptime! If I don't get at least nine or ten naps a day, I won't have enough energy for my main snooze!" No one seemed to care. After all, who wouldn't want to have lots of heroic naps? Not normal naps... 'cause those are boring...

Anyway, we looked for the Angry Sun to help us. We soon found his slumped figure
on melting rock. "What's wrong?" asked Mario.

"I can never defeat you!" cried Angry Sun.

"Aww, don't give up! Remember, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade!"

Before I could punch Mario for stealing my line, the Angry Sun had a fit. "Bah! I hate lemons! When life gives me lemons, I give them back. Or, better yet, I go to some crazy scientist like E. Gadd and turn them into combustible lemons, then throw them at life's house! How do you like that, life?! I'm gonna burn your house down with combustible lemons!!" And with that, the Angry Sun began brutally attacking us. Luckily, Wario threw away another bike tire, saying it needed more mustard, and the tire hit the Sun and knocked it out. Finally, we carried it back, and the heat from the Sun, combined with the Plane's
flamethrower, made Rob-omb explode on Luigi. (Luigi: 13 HP)

Shif T Narrating: Finally, our beanstalk grew. When we climbed up to the top, we set eyes on the Stratus Temple. It was a normal ancient temple, nothing special. When we hit the top, the Koopa Captain flew over to us in his airship. "Aha! It's you! You may have defeated the Bowser Jr. Airship Senior, but you can't handle the Bowser Jr. Airship Junior!" After deciding to let the Plane and Bootler handle this, Mario left the temple. Since there was nothing I could do, I left as well. After all, it was just a worse version of Bowser Jr.'s airship!

Back on the bottom, we saw a field with hundreds of Sacred Beans! "Yay! Our bean harvest is complete!" cried a flower girl. This was fantastic! Our journey was complete!! However, just before we could take the beans,
a lavender missile hit the fields, burning them to the ground. At first, I thought it was a mistake, but when I tried to question the Plane, it flew off. I grabbed onto its wing, and we had a titanic struggle in midair. Unfortunately, the Plane prevailed, and I was flung off onto the ground. Then, the Plane disappeared...

(Shif T's narrative ends)

Mario: Wow. That was impressive.

E. Gadd: Well, this is interesting. Anti Guy, do you want to have a go at it?

Anti Guy: Me? You want me to tell the story?

E. Gadd: Sure!

Anti Guy: Well... okay...

(Anti Guy's personal narrative)

Anti Guy Narrating: Well, I woke up, we flew on a flying thingy, we left the box, found a bean, and came back here.

(Anti Guy's narrative ends)

E. Gadd: ... What in the world was that?! I wanted to know the whole story!!

Anti Guy: Oh, okay. We went into a store, fought General Guy-

E. Gadd: No, not that story!! Jeeze, this is hopeless.

Wario: Well, I could show you all what happened on my YouTube video of it.

E. Gadd: That's right, you… Say WHAT?!

Wario: Well, since the last chapter sold so well, I thought I'd record this one.

E. Gadd: Now we're getting somewhere! Show me!

Wario pulls out a laptop and plays a video of Luigi singing with a banjo.

Wario: Whoops! Wrong video. Let's see... Mario's... Rob-omb's... Oh, here it is!

Wario plays the video.

Wario: I'll explain what's happening in detail as we go along.

(Wario's personal commentary)

Wario: Well, here we go.

(The camera shows Mario, Wario, Rob-omb, and Bootler heading toward the Looney Bin. Once inside, Mario kindly greets Luigi, and Luigi returns the greeting. Wario hurls a brick at Shif T, farts, and yells "Hey! Give me back my wallet!”)

Wario Narrating: Well, as you can see, things were going fine. We made it into the Toy Box, Mario and Luigi got reunited, all was well. Then, suddenly Shif T steals the love of my life away from me!! "Hand over my love, Shif T!" I threw a brick in anger, and managed to get back my darling wallet. After that, we escaped and set off on our quest.

(The camera shows Mario and Co. walking up to the front gate.)

Wario Narrating: Well, we approached the front gate. However, as soon as we did, the sky got dark... the ground shook... the wind quickened... and out from the woods emerged... a Goomba. Nothing really special about it, just a typical Goomba, as you can all see. For some reason, the others seemed troubled by this. Luigi was about to run away, in fact! Well, this pest was in our way, so I decided to remove it.

(Wario farts and jumps into battle.)

{Battle Sequence}

Wario Narrating: Well, since there was no threat present, I decided to have my lunch first. So, I pulled out my Harley Compatible bike and began eating. "Wario, WHY ARE YOU EATING YOUR BIKE?!" asked Shif T. He obviously knew nothing of the finer things.

"Well, you won't find a more delicious bike anywhere!" I replied. So, I returned to my meal. It was delicious... everything was perfect... except one thing. "Ah! This wheel
needs more salsa!" I said, tossing away the wheel. I heard a commotion from the battle when I did this, but I decided to pay it no heed. Ahh, everything about this bike was so delicious... except the second tire needed
more mustard. Jeeze, you'd think they made these bikes so that no one can enjoy eating them! As I discarded the wheel, I heard a loud crash. Then, I saw that wierdo Anti Guy drop a pickle jar and break it. He seemed sad, but I think he's a crybaby. After all, it's not like it was alive or anything! Then, I saw that my bike was all gone. "NOO!!! Just as I was getting to the good part!!" I began to cry. Suddenly, though, I saw a letter arrive for the Goomba. Just as he was about to open it, he
got a paper cut. (Goomba: 0 HP)

{Battle Over}

(The camera shows Wario fart on the screen and the laptop blows up. Wario's personal narrative ends.)

Wario: Aww, dang it! There goes another laptop!

E. Gadd: Aww, dang it! Now we'll never know what happened!

Mario: Aww, dang it!

Luigi: ... What?

Mario: Nothing. I just like saying that.

Wario: Don't worry, guys! I'll just recite what happened!

(Wario's personal narrative)

Wario Narrating: Well, we headed out to some flowery place with no flowers. One of those stupid flowery things came up yelling, "Oh,
please, can you help us? The Koopa Captain has destroyed our homes!"

"Well, what's in it for me?" I asked.

"Oh... Well, we don't have any money..." it replied.

"Well, then, forget it!" I said. The nerve of some people! Mario seemed to want to help, though. What a fool! I decided go go find some dinner. After all, it had been almost three minutes since my last meal!

I arrived at the most high-class restaurant in town, "Zess T's Gullet Buster". Ahh, the meals are extraordinary! Pork chops, cream puff,
candy bars... meat sauce, cheetos, malamars... I wouldn't stop 'til I had it all!! There was even a bike shop across the street, the perfect place for desert! MAN, I'm glad I left those idiots! Ahh, that was the best meal in my life. "Excuse me, sir, may I have your autograph?" asked a young girl Toad.

"Sure, what for?" I asked.

"Well, it's not every day someone breaks the world record for eating bikes!" she replied.

So, flattered, I signed the autograph. "That'll be $14.95."

After my meal, I returned to Mario and the others, carrying a bag of leftovers. "Hey, guys! What's goin' on?" I called. Suddenly a
lavender-colored missile that looked really delicious flew down and crashed into the fields, destroying everything, even the flower people's
homes. Worst of all, the blast made me drop my leftovers! I saw that the missile came from the Plane. "My leftovers!! Arrgh, that's it!! If I
ever get my hands on that plane..." Then, as I was about to get it, I saw that the Plane was gone...

(Wario's narrative ends)

Wario: ... And that's pretty much what happened.

Everyone Else: ...

Bootler: I say, I had a rather large role to play in this! Why is everyone leaving my story out, old bean?!

E. Gadd: Ah, yes, Bootler! Surely you can make this clear!

Bootler: Thank you, old chap. Well, it went something like this...

(Bootler's personal narrative)

Bootler Narrating: Well, after we rescued Luigi and those other chaps, we left for the Flower Fields. I say, what a lovely day for a trip like
this! Well, as we headed for the front gate, the rather blustery day became even worse... the ground shook... trees collapsed... and out from
the woods emerged... my long lost cousin, Teddy the Goomba!! At long last, we were finally reunited! As I was about to go to him, Mario and the other chaps attacked, thinking he was a common enemy! Well, I couldn't let my dear old chap be harmed like this!!

{Battle Sequence}

Goomba: 10 HP
Mario: 95 HP
Rob-omb: 105 HP
Bootler: 6 HP
Shif T: 100 HP
Luigi: 111 HP
Wario: 115 HP
Anti Guy: 45 HP
Plane: 65 HP

Bootler Narrating: Well, as Mario was about to attack, I flew over and tripped him up. Then, before Luigi could do one of his devastating Super Jumps, I took one of the Plane's anvils and hurled it at him to save my cousin. (Luigi: 89 HP) Then, I shoved Rob-omb into Luigi to stop him from attacking. (Luigi: 67 HP) I saw one of Wario's tires sitting there, so I threw one to trip up Luigi again, and he hit a tree. (Luigi: 45 HP) Then, finally, as Mario tried to pull him down, I hurled another tire and knocked them down. (Luigi: 23 HP) Sadly, Shif T delivered a surprise punch by FedEx, and my cousin got a paper cut on the envelope. (Goomba: 0 HP)

{Battle Over}

Bootler Narrating: Well, as sad as I was over my cousin, I pulled myself together and we continued into the valley. When we arrived, a flower creature approached us. "Oh, are you here to help us? Our field is dieing!" At this, Wario left us, saying it was a waste of time to help. What a repugnant individual!

"I say, we'd be glad to help you, my dear!
What can we do?" The girl explained how the Koopa Captain was ruining everything, and how we needed a beanstalk to reach the Sky Borne Mansion. "Well, I don't like the prospect of losing a Sacred Bean, dear fellows, but we must help those innocent townsfolk. What say you?" After much thought, we decided to help them. Sadly, in addition to the bean, we needed two other things. One was the Sun, the other was Mystic Water. "I'll get the Mystic Water, old bomb," I volunteered. And so, we headed off to do our tasks.

Obtaining the Mystic Water was no trouble. Sure, I had to battle the Great Grand Master of All Things Bad, the Demon King, and the Colossal Ruler of Terribleness, but other than that it was smooth sailing. When we regrouped, we planted the seed, and the water with the Sun made it grow. While the others climbed, I merely floated to the top, along with
the Plane. Upon reaching the top, we set eyes on the Sky Borne Mansion. What an stounding place! Well, we hiked up to the top, having
a merry old time of it, until we reached the top floor (surviving Luigi's complaints all the way). Finally, we set our sites on the Koopa Captain. "Aha! Intruders, and my prime targets, no less! I knew you'd come! Well, we decided that the only way to combat this flying behemoth
was to fly up. So, it was agreed (mostly) that the Plane and I would battle this foe. The fight was on!!


Airship: 200 HP
Bootler: 7 HP
Plane: 65 HP

Koopa Captain: Fire Bullet Bills!!
(Bootler Dodges)

Bootler: Invisi-cloak!
(Bootler makes the Plane invisible)

Plane: Now, for my Bad Luck Attack!
(The Plane tries to shoot the Airship Junior, but misses and hits a smoke stack which then falls on it. Plane: 55 HP)

Koopa Captain: Hah! Now it's time for my minions! Come forth, Master Hand!!
(Master Hand flies down)
Master Hand: Gwahahahahaa!! (150 HP)
Koopa Captain: And now, for his partner! Come forth, Master Foot!!
(A giant foot flies down)
Master Foot: Hehehoohahee!! (15 HP)
Koopa Captain: Go, Master Smash!!!
(Master Foot hops toward the Plane, trips on Master Hand, and both fall and miss the cloaked Plane, crashing on the ground. Master Hand and Foot: 0 HP)
Koopa Captain: Err... That didn't work. Well, now for my attack! Go, Powerful Blow!!
(The Koopa Captain pulls out a tissue and blows his nose)

Bootler: Uhh... Right. Well, go, Spooktacular Blast!
(Airship: 167 HP)

Plane: I'm-a firin' m' lasah!
(The Plane shoots a laser at the airship. Airship: 145 HP)

Koopa Captain: Arrgh! How dare you damage the Bowser Jr. Airship Junior?!

Bootler: And where did you get a lasah?!

Koopa Captain: Enough! This Is Ridiculous!!
(Plane: 34 HP)

Bootler: What?!

Koopa Captain: Hah! "This Is Ridiculous" Is my best attack!

Bootler: Oh, yeah? Well, here's Mine!
(Bootler hurls a mine at the airship and it explodes. Airship: 112 HP)

Plane: Go, Lavender Missile!
(The Plane shoots a missile at the airship, but it misses. Airship: 97 HP)

Koopa Captain: What?! Why did I take damage?! You missed!!

Plane: Aww, shut up, whiner!

(The airship rams the Plane. Airship: 76 HP)

Koopa Captain: Whaaat?! Why did it only damage me?!

Plane: Because flying is the safest way to travel, so I was equipped with titanium armor!

Bootler: Go, Speeding Ticket!
(Bootler slaps the airship with a ticket. Airship: $100.00 fine)
Bootler: Next time, think before you go 1139 MPH on a freeway.

Plane: Ha ha!

Bootler: Oh, yeah!
(Bootler slaps the Plane with a parking ticket. Plane: $400.00 fine)
Bootler: Next time, think before you stop on a freeway!

Plane: Aww, dang it. Go, Lavender Missile!
(The Plane shoots the airship with a missile, and it hits. Airship: 23 HP)

Koopa Captain: AHH!!! Where did you get that kind of power?! Bullet Cannon!!
(Bootler dodges)

Bootler: Hah! Game over for you! Well, we might consider letting you live-

Plane: Missile Barrage.
(Airship: 0 HP)


Bootler Narrating: Well, after our stunning victory over the captain, I turned to congratulate the Plane. However, I found it already turning away, muttering "Mission complete." Then, as it flew away, I gazed down
to the fields below, only to find them covered in flames...

(Bootler's narrative ends)

E. Gadd: Ahh, I think I get it now. What a mystery, though... Where has the Plane gone, and why?

Mario: Hmm? Anti Guy, you seem upset.

Anti Guy: It's just that... well, now that Wilson's gone, I have no one to guide me... I feel lost...

Mario: Don't think like that, Anti Guy! You don't need some silly pickle jar to tell you what to do! You can make your own decisions! That's the power of free will!

Anti Guy: R-really...?

Mario: Yes, of course! You can do it!

Luigi: I mean, it's not like Wilson was real or anything...

???: Oh, really? I beg to differ!

(A blue-shelled Koopa Troopa jumps into the room)

???: I can't believe that out of all the people in the world, Anti Guy had to be the one to find my Walkie-Talkie!

Luigi: W-w-who are you?!

???: Haha! Can't you tell? I'm Wilson!

Anti Guy: Yay!! Wilson's back!!

Luigi: ... B-but how?!

Wilson: Well, a long time ago, I was fighting Bowser's forces, doing some pretty good damage... but then Kamek snuck up on me from behind and cursed me, sealing me in the nearest container...a pickle jar. And then, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, THIS

Wilson points to Anti Guy, who is sucking his thumb.

Wilson: -had to be the one who found me! I tried to get him to open the jar, but he was too dense to find the lid. Luckily, when you approached the gate to Flower Fields, Anti Guy dropped the jar and it broke, and I finally escaped.

Luigi: I can't believe it. All this time, Wilson...

Shif T: ...was real.

Rob-omb: Hey, I remember! You're the Koopa who helped me inside the airship!

Wilson: Yes. I'm also the one who tripped up the Master Hand, and I also defeated the Angry Sun before he could reach you.

Mario: So, this whole time, you've been helping us?

Wilson: Yep. As much as I detest you and your team, I want my revenge on Bowser... and Kamek.

Mario: Sooo... does that mean you'll join us?

Wilson: Yep.

{Team members: 8}

Bootler: I say, old bomb, this is a rather good turn of events...

E. Gadd: Yes, but one question remains... Where is the Plane?

(Later, in a far off castle...)

???: Ahh, 1300MB, you have returned. Were you successful?

Plane: Yes, Master. All has gone according to plan. Here is my detailed report.

(The Plane's personal narrative)

Plane Narrating: Character analysis complete. My former teammates known as: the
Victim (Luigi), the Crook (Shif T), and the Masked Failure (Anti Guy). While traveling with this trio, I followed General Order 64, leading them astray while trying to signal you. However, my communications were somehow intercepted by my other former teammates, who soon arrived. Classification: the Fool (Mario), the Man who Shouldn't be Alive (Wario), The Ammo (Rob-omb), and the Bowling Ball (Bootler). "Hi, guys! It's-a me, Mario!" yelled the Fool.

"Oh, hi, Mario!" called the Victim.

The Fool then attempted to lead the others out of the Toy Box. As this would undoubtedly compromise the mission, I removed the Man who Shouldn't be Alive's wallet and placed it in the Crook's pocket, causing the two to fight.
Unfortunately, the Victim fled, causing the others to follow and escape.

After a briefing, I began to suspect that the Victim may have caught on to my intentions, so I set my sites on him. When we arrived at the gate, wind speed increased by 14 MPH, the sky darkened, and a Goomba emerged from the woods. As there was no threat present, I decided to eliminate the Victim.

{Battle Sequence}

Plane: 65 HP
Luigi: 111 HP
Goomba: 10 HP

Plane Narrating: First, as the Fool launched his attack, I moved into position. The Bowling Ball attempted to strike the Victim with one of my
preferred weapons, but failed. I then seized the opportunity to follow up the attack, and smashed the Victim. (Luigi: 89 HP) Then, to continue the onslaught, I forced the Ammo to ignite, then the Bowling Ball did my job for me.
(Luigi: 63 HP) Finally, after the Victim launched his signature attack and failed (Luigi: 45 HP), I tripped up the Fool and both fell hard. (Luigi: 23 HP) Finally, the Crook delivered a surprise attack and defeated the Goomba, and my opportunity to destroy the Victim ended.

{Battle Over}

Plane Narrating: We entered the fields, finding no plant life or vegetation anywhere. A Floro Sapien-like creature approached, and the
Fool engaged it in conversation. I listened in. From what I heard, the renegade Koopa Captain who abandoned the Koopa Troop after the battle at Mt. Gonna Erupt Soon had made himself a base in the sky. I saw this as a
perfect opportunity to eliminate the traitor. Finally, I heard that the only way to reach the castle (besides flying) was a beanstalk. My chance had come. I quickly fabricated the story that I had engine trouble and couldn't fly, and the Fool decided to waste a Sacred Bean on this project. However, before we could begin, we had to go to Dry Dry Desert to find the Sun. I was amazed at their level of stupidity, for they did not realize I had no engine trouble even as I flew them to the Desert myself.

After our arrival, the Fool began crying out, "Angry Sun?! Hello?!", apparently not realizing the Sun was ten feet from him.

"Aww, what do you want?! Can't you see I'm moping?!" Analysis complete. Classification: the Crybaby. After the Fool encouraged the Crybaby to attack us, it did, and I was
forced to subdue it. While we were apparently defying the laws of physics by carrying it, I
found another opportunity to strike. So, I pulled out a flamethrower and lit the Ammo's fuse, causing it to explode on the Victim. (Victim- err, I mean, Luigi: 13 HP)

Finally, after gathering all our ingredients, our vegetation grew to precisely 122.32 ft. As we ascended to the peak, the Ammo was complaining about its acrophobia. After a few hours of this (and a few falls from the Fool) we
reached the Cloud Ripper Castle. After fighting through a few common enemies, we reached the top and found our quarry.

After the captain hurled a few insults at us, my analysis showed no threat from his downgraded ship. It was decided that the Bowling Ball and I engage the ship, and I decided to keep up the facade that my
powers were low a little longer. During our battle, I noticed the Fool exit the palace and return to the fields below. Visuals detected an enormous amount of vegetation with near-equal power to that of a Sacred Bean, and I knew my chance had come. I fired a lavender missile of the same kind you use, sir, and obliterated the fields. As soon as I finished the
rogue Koopa Captain, I fled the area, my mission complete.

(The Plane's narrative ends)

???: Ahh, excellent work, 1300MB. You have done well.

Plane: Thank you, Master Smith.

Smith: Could Mario and the others have followed you to Bowser Castle?

Plane: No, Master. I engaged cloak as soon as I cleared the fields.

Smith: Perfect. Mario's quest has been thrown into chaos, and we now have the upper hand.
Lord Bowser will be pleased.

Both: Gwahahahahaaa!!!

Read on!

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