Pooper Mario

By John Koopa

Chapter 7: Clash of the Second-Bananas

(Bowser's castle)

Princess Peach: Okay, Twinkie, I'd say it's just about time for us to try to escape.

Twinkie: Why do you say that?

Peach: Well, I was listening in on a conversation Smith was having with one of his lieutenants, and I hear he wants to go after Mario soon.

Twinkie: Really?

Peach: Yep. This means that by the time the next chapter rolls around, we should make our move.

Twinkie: Wha---? "Next chapter"? What are you talking about?

Peach: Oh, nothing, it's just something about a fourth wall or something.

Twinkie: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that... I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much, I know, but...

Peach: Ahh, it'll be nice to finally be free... I'll finally get to see Mario again... Boy, I sure miss him... The way he would lose my credit card... the way he would destroy my castle... the way he would get me kidnapped... Okay, you know what? Never mind, I don't miss him.

Twinkie: Well, since we have nothing to lose, why don't we go explore some more?

Peach: Sure.

They head out into a corridor.

Peach: Hey, look over there!

They see Angry Sun talking to a Koopatrol.

Angry Sun: ...And I swear... They may have gotten lucky once, twice, thrice, or even four, five or six times, BUT THEY AIN'T GETTI-

A pillar falls on Angry Sun.

Angry Sun: You know, I think I'm sensing a pattern here.

Koopatrol: Look, man, can I just get change for my burger?

Suddenly Kamek appears behind Peach.

Kamek: AHA! I caught you spying again! Just what were you listening for, hmm? Tell me!

Peach: No.

Kamek: Tell me!

Peach: No.

Kamek: Come on, I just want you to tell me so I can throw you in a darker dungeon cell!

Peach: Why would we do something that would lead to our downfall?!

Kamek: Fine. I didn't want to have to do this, but you've left me no choice.

Kamek pulls out a sock puppet.

Kamek (in a high voice): Tell me what you were doing!

Peach: No.

Kamek: Dang, I always obeyed a sock puppet when I was your age...

Peach: What do you think we are, four?!

Kamek: I don't know! I can't really see well through these weird glasses.

Peach: Yeah, well, that won't work on us, will it, Twinkie?

Twinkie: We were trying to spy on Bowser again!

Peach: TWINKIE?!

Twinkie: Sorry, Princess, but he has a sock puppet!

Kamek: Aha! Now I have all the evidence I need to lock you away... FOREVER!!!

Peach: Since when did you need evidence?

Kamek: You're both doomed!

Twinkie: If I had a nickel for every time I was doomed by a sock puppet... I'd have four nickels. Which isn't much, I know, but...

Kamek: Ha! It's all over for you! Mwahahahaa!!!

Angry Sun: Mwahahahaa!!!

Koopatrol: Mwahahahaa!!!

Anti Guy: Mwahahahahaa!!!

Kamek: Wha---?! What is HE doing here?!

Anti Guy: I'm waiting for my burger!

Kamek: But, you're not in this scene!

Anti Guy: Oh.

Anti Guy disappears.

Twinkie: ... If I had a nickel for every time-

Peach: Shut up.

(Bowser's control room)

Smith: Bowser, I've had enough waiting.

Bowser: Huh?

Smith: I've been watching you send other minions after Mario, and they fall time after time. Now that the Plane has done his job, I want to finish Mario off!

Bowser: What makes you think you can?

Smith: I'm the most intelligent soldier here. I'm also the only one with the brains to train day and night, so I'm also the strongest soldier.

Bowser: Okay, sure.

Smith: Huh?

Bowser: Go ahead, you can go after Mario.

Smith: Really?... Wow, that was easy.

Smith gets ready to leave.

Bowser: But you're not allowed to win.

Smith stops.

Smith: ... WHAT?!

Bowser: No one's gonna beat Mario but me! You're not allowed to win.

Smith: Wait, did you tell that to the other minions you sent?

Bowser: Well, not all of them. Sometimes I just wished for it.

Smith: So... this whole time... it's been YOUR fault we've been losing?!

Bowser: Well, I wouldn't put it in such strong terms...


Bowser: Wha---? What are you saying?!

Smith: I've been tolerating your stupidity for too long! I'm far more competent than you! King Bowser Koopa, I hereby challenge you for command of the Koopa Troop!!!

Bowser: *Gasp* How dare you?!

Smith: I can beat you at anything! I'll take you on in any game or challenge you choose!

Bowser: Hmm... Any challenge... Ummm...

Bowser opens his mouth.

Smith: Except skydiving without a parachute.

Bowser closes his mouth.

Bowser: Err... hmm...

(Several hours later)

Bowser: Hmm... Oh, I know! I'll take you on in a round of Bloody Knuckles!

Smith: (Hmm... Stupid as he is, Bowser's strength is nothing to laugh at... Then again, neither is mine... Plus, I have Koopatrol Armor with spikes on the fists, so I have a huge advantage against Bowser. Perfect!)

Smith grins.

Bowser: (Cool, my thoughts are being written on paper!)

Bowser grins.

Both: Let's do it!!

Bowser puts the Star Rod down, and Smith and Bowser wind up and punch the other's fists.

Smith: ... Woah.

Bowser: Heh. You can go on all you want about my intellect, but my strength is enough to silence anyone.

Smith: Hmm, not bad, but I can hold my own too.

Bowser: Now, for my Double Mega---

Bowser winds up for a punch, but he trips on the Star Rod, falls, knocks into a pillar, and it collapses on him.

Smith: ...

Bowser: Uhh... Best 2 out of 3?

(The dungeon)

Peach: Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten me into.

Twinkie: True, but hey, at least you can still escape with your gear when the time comes!

Peach: True, this gear could probably get me out of anything.

Twinkie: So, what should we do in the meantime?

Peach: Nothing! I've gotten in enough trouble for one day.

Twinkie pulls out a sock puppet.

Twinkie: You will sneak out with me now!

Peach: No.

(Bowser's control room, 18 destroyed pillars later)

Bowser: Uhh… Best 87 out of 172?

Smith: Arrgh! For DAD's sake, your ridiculous rules are making this impossible! Fine, if you won't give up, I'll take matters into my own hands!

Bowser: What're you going to do?

Smith: I'm going to prove I'm better than you by beating Mario myself! Anyone with the sense to leave the Koopa Troop and come with me is free to do so!

Bowser: Hah! My troops would never leave me! Right, troops?

A third of Bowser's army goes to Smith's side, along with a majority of the bosses.

Smith: Heh. Perfect. Smell ya later, turtle boy!

Smith and his new army leave.

Bowser: Whatever. Huh...? Where'd everybody go? Hello? Hellooooo?? Marco? Maaarcooo?!

(E. Gadd's house)

E. Gadd: Well, boys, this is a serious problem. Since you planted a Sacred Bean, at most we can only get six, not seven. Thanks to the Plane blowing up the fields, unless something unforeseen happens, we're pretty much sunk.

Mario: I still don't get it. Why would the Plane do something like that?

E. Gadd: Well, it's obvious the Plane was sent here by the enemy to sabotage our operation.

Shif T: What do you mean? You sent us the Plane, didn't you?

E. Gadd: Huh? What do you mean?

Luigi: You know! You sent the Plane to help us! There was even a recorded message from you!

E. Gadd: What kind of recording?

Luigi: Uhh... Tape deck, I think.

E. Gadd: Do you know how easy those are to fake?

Bootler: I say, old bean, you mean the Plane faked a recording? What reprehensible balderdash! He shan't get away with it!

Wario: But, E. Gadd, why didn't you say something?!

E. Gadd: You never asked! I stopped questioning your teammates long ago! You bring back a new friend every time you go out! Why should the Plane have been any different? You never once mentioned anything about me sending it!

Wario: But this is ridiculous! Why were we fooled so easily?!

E. Gadd: The way I see it, whoever sent the Plane knew you'd never turn down anything sent by me, and since you were trapped in the desert at the time, there was no way you could've refused.

Shif T: Boy, were we fooled...

Luigi: I told you he was evil!

Mario: Now what do we do?!

Wilson: Sheesh, tone it down a notch! I've got it covered!

Rob-omb: Huh?

Wilson pulls out a Sacred Bean.

Everyone Else: WHAAAAT?!

Mario: Where did you get that?!

Wilson: Well, before the Plane destroyed the fields, I took a Sacred Bean from the harvest just in case I'd need it later. Looks like I was right.

Wilson gives Mario the Sacred Bean.

Luigi: YESSS!!!

Shif T: We're back in action!!

Mario: Yes! I got-a the Sacred Bean!!! ... Hey, why are we still here?

Luigi: *sigh* Mario, the chapter isn't over yet.

Mario: Aww, why not? I thought that was a good place to end it!

E. Gadd: Well, boys, it looks like we still have a chance. But the last Sacred Bean may be the toughest one yet. It's in a far off palace in the tundra of the northern lands. It's a harsh and grueling place, and not many have survived it.

Everyone Else: *Gulp*

Shif T: Well, looks like we have no choice...

Mario: Well, let's-a go... to bed.

Luigi: MARIO!!

Mario: Fine, let's-a go to the frozen wastelands.

Luigi: Uhh... Well, when you put it like that---

Mario: Let's-a go!

They leave.

E. Gadd: Wait, I forgot to tell you where it is! ... Aww, whatever. They always find it.

(Later, in a northern outpost...)

Smith: See anything yet, Angry Sun?

Angry Sun: Yeah, they're comin'.

Smith: Good. Red Koopa Bro will give you your new orders. I have some preparations to make.

Smith leaves.

Koopa Red: All right, Sergeant, your orders are to remain here and help prepare the men for battle.

Angry Sun: But, if my orders are to stay and help the men prepare for battle, what am I going to do?

Koopa Red: Arrgh... Just go.

Angry Sun: May I have 24 hours?

Koopa Red: No. You have one day.

(In the plains to the north)

Shif T: Boy, this is taking a while...

Mario: Are we there yet?

Luigi: No.

Mario: How about now?

Luigi: No!

Mario: How about now?!

Luigi: Gaaah! Are we there yet?!?!

Shif T: Yes!

Wario: Oh, finally!

Mario: Well, what's the name of this place?

Mario walks up to a sign,

Mario: It says, "Welcome to 'Place the Author was Too Lazy to Name'!"

Rob-omb: Well, that was the first time I've ever heard a sign talk.

Suddenly a Toad runs up to them.

Toad: Oh, Mario! I'm glad I found you. Are you remembering to use your action commands? Do you need me to teach you?

Mario: Uhh... no. Don't you think it's a little late for that?

Toad: What do you mean?

Mario: Well... it's chapter seven already!

Toad: Wait... you mean I'm too late?! Dang, I knew I shouldn't have gone on vacation last week! Well, may I teach you anyway?

Mario: Uhh... No thanks, I'm kind of in a hurry.

Toad: But... my whole reason for existence in this game is to teach you! My life is meaningless without that!

Luigi: Uggh... What a bother. Let's just go.

They leave.

Toad: Drat... Well, I'm going back on vacation.


Luigi: Well, we made it to some village. Now all we need to do is ask one of the locals where the Sacred Bean is.

Mario: Let me do the---

Rob-omb: Oh, no! We're not going through that again. This time, I'LL do the talking.

Rob-omb walks up to a Bob-omb.

Rob-omb: Ahem. Gudentag! Segretin, coltuli nine alto metem!

Bob: Huh?

Luigi: Uugh! Can't you guys do anything right? Excuse me, sir, but do you know where the Sacred Bean is?

Bob: Oh, sure! It's in the "Badly Spelled Krystal Palace".

Luigi: Okay, thanks!

They leave.

Mario: Well, how are we going to find the Badly Spelled Krystal Palace?

Wario: Call me crazy, but isn't that it?

Wario points to a massive palace that says "Badly Spelled Krystal Palace".

Mario: What makes you think that's the place?

Wario: Just a guess.

Wilson: We should probably get going.

They try to go in, but a Bumpty blocks their path.

Bootler: I say, please stand aside, my good fellow.

Bumpty: No one passes without the mayor's permission.

Bootler: Why ever not?

Bumpty: No reason. I'm just a jerk.

Mario: Uggh... Fine, we'll go see the mayor.

(In the village)

Mario: Well, here we are.

Shif T: This looks like a good place to burgle.


Luigi: Hello? Mayor?

Rob-omb: *Gasp* Look!!

They see the mayor laying on the floor.

Wilson: Touch nothing!

Anti Guy: Oops, I touched myself.

Luigi: Who could've done this?!

Just before Shif T can steal the mayor's wallet, the Mayor's Wife walks

Mayor's Wife: EEK!! Help, police!!!

Mario: Wait! We're not criminals! Well, maybe Shif T is, but we're not!!!

The police arrive.

Police: Nobody try to explain anything! We're going to assume you're all killers. Whatever you do, do not run away!

Mario: Quick, RUN!!!

Wilson: Wait! Hold it! Look!

The mayor sits up.

Everyone else: EEK!! A ghost!!!

Bootler: Where?!

Mayor: Huh? What happened?

Mario: We thought you were dead!

Mayor: Oh, no, I was just having my mid-morning nap.

Luigi: ... Uh... Can we go to the palace now?

Mayor: Oh, sure.

Mayor's Wife: Oh, thank goodness! I haven't been so scared since my parents named me "Mayor's Wife"!

Wario: Uh, let's just go.

They leave.

(At the northern outpost)

Smith: Well done so far, Lieutenant Red. See anything suspicious?

Koopa Red: No, not ye--- Wait, what's that?!

They see a transparent humanoid being with wings.

Tabuu: I am Tabuu, destroyer of plots!

John Koopa: Oh, no, it's Tabuu, destroyer of plots!

Tabuu: Yeah, I just said that. Anyway, I go from game to game, destroying its plot with my randomness! Unfortunately, since my budget was cut, I can't be in any real games, so I'm in your lame parody of one.

John Koopa: Oh no! Tabuu is going to ruin my plot! Smith, you're one of my original characters! Do something!

Smith: Fine. Tabuu, I challenge you to a showdown!

Tabuu: Fine, I'll take you on in anything!

Smith: Okay, I challenge you to see who contributes more to the plot!

Tabuu: NOOOOO!!! I have been defeated!! What a wooooorrllldd!!!

Tabuu explodes.

Smith: ...

John Koopa: Hooray, my plot is saved!!

Smith: Uhh... right. Can we just get back to preparing to destroy Mario now?

(Back in the village)

Mario: Well, time to go to the palace.

Bumpty: You're still not allowed to pass.

Luigi: Why not?! We have the mayor's permission!

Bumpty: I don't believe you.

(A few minutes later...)

Mario: Well, that was easy. Say, how did you guys get past him? I wasn't looking.

Rob-omb: I punched him with my invisible hands.

Luigi: I griped and moaned until he let me pass.

Shif T: I threw his wallet into a lake and he dived after it.

Wario: I bribed him to let me pass.

Anti Guy: He punched me in the wrong direction and I flew over here.

Wilson: I showed off my karate and he stood aside.

Bootler: I asked nicely.

Everyone else: ...

Mario: Let's-a go!

(Back at the northern outpost)

Smith: All right, Lieutenant, I'm about to send the Plane out to ambush them. You go and setup the traps in case they make it past.

Flubba Blubba: Sure thing, ya jerk!


Flubba Blubba: Sorry, but when I lost last time, Bowser punished me by wishing that all my sentences end with "ya jerk", ya jerk.

Smith: ... Oh. That sounds like something Bowser would do. Just go, okay?

Flubba: Okay, ya jerk!

(Back at the palace)

Mario: Huh? What's this?!

The road is closed off. A Bumpty walks up.

Construction Bumpty: Sorry, but you can't pass through here, we're working on this road.

Wilson: What's wrong with the road?

Bumpty: I don't know, you'd have to ask the boss.

Wilson: There was nothing wrong with the road the last time I was here.

Bumpty: I don't have time for this. Would you go away?

Wilson: You know, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I think you're just tearing up a perfectly good road to compensate for your over-inflated budget!

Bumpty: Well, what if we are? Fine, there isn't anything wrong with it! There's nothing to fix!

Wilson: Well, I'll give you something to fix!

Wilson pulls out a rocket launcher and obliterates the road.

Wilson: Have fun fixing that!

Luigi: That's great, Wilson, but there's just one problem...

Wilson: What?


Wilson: Oh... yeah. Sorry, I got carried away.

Mario: I know what to do! We can fly over in the Plane!

Luigi: Uhh... Mario? The Plane is evil, remember?

Mario: Oh, yeah.

Rob-omb: *sigh* Let's just go around the long way...

Suddenly a loud, booming voice is heard.


Rob-omb: Uhh... He did it.

A massive, glowing beast made of stars that form a large square appears.

Bootler: I say, old bean, EEK!! A MONSTER!!!

???: Not just any monster... I am... Monsquare!!!

Mario: Uhh... "Monsquare"?

Monsquare: Yes, and you will pay for destroying my road!!

Wilson: Uh, actually, the construction workers are the ones destroying it.

Monsquare: Really? Sorry. Die, construction workers!

Monsquare attacks the Bumpties.

Luigi: ...

Wilson: Well, they deserved it.

Mario: Deja vu...

Rob-omb: Oh, well, that guy was a real square.

They head inside the palace.

Mario: Well, we're finally here!

Wilson: Woah... This place is huge... Maybe we should split up to cover more ground---

Luigi: YES!! Anything to get away from Mario!

Mario, Rob-omb, Wilson, and Bootler go down the right path while Luigi, Shif T, Anti Guy, and Wario go down the left.

Shif T: Whew, at least I didn't have to turn right!

(Mario's group)

Wilson: Hmm... interesting. I thought there would be many traps in this palace, but it appears that I was wrong.

Rob-omb: Hey, look! A control panel!

They approach a control panel covered in multicolored buttons.

Wilson: Hmm... Fascinating. We should be careful. Who knows what it activates---

Mario: BUTTONS!!!

Mario starts pushing buttons and they light up.

(Luigi's group)

Luigi: Well, at least there don't seem to be any traps---

A boulder falls on Luigi.

Luigi: ... Never mind.

(Mario's group)

Wilson: Mario, I really think---

Mario: Ooh, what does this red button labeled "trap" do?

(Luigi's group)

Rob-omb: Look out!

Wario barely dodges a bomb.

Wario: Why are all these traps activating?!

(Mario's group)

Mario: Look, I made a smiley face with all the buttons!

(Luigi's group)

Luigi: Aggh! Run for cover!!

Luigi and Co. run through a corridor just as a Thwomp falls down.

Wario: Whew... This place is a nightmare...

???: Heh heh... Still running away, eh, Victim?

Luigi: Hey, I know that voice...

The Plane flies down.

Plane: To think, a chicken like you has made it this far.

Luigi: 1300MB!!!

Plane: Correct, Sherlock! And I'm not alone!

A large boat arrives.

Anti Guy: Oh, no!

Admiral Guy: Haha! You thought you'd get away with tricking me in that grocery store? Now I'm back to avenge my brethren!

Luigi: Woah! Wait a second... If you're on a boat, how are you moving without water?!

A loud screeching noise is heard. They see three Shy Guys pushing the boat.

Admiral Guy: Push faster!

Shy Guys: We can't go any faster! This is ridiculous!

Luigi: Grr!! 1300MB! You're gonna pay for tormenting me and betraying us!!

Plane: Heh. Like you could ever defeat me. Look at that pale skin! You've been living in your brother's shadow for too long!

Luigi: Grrr... AAAARRGH!!!

Plane: Let's face it. Once a kid brother, always a kid brother.

Luigi lights on fire.


Plane: This time you won't escape me!

{Boss Battle!}

Luigi: 111 HP
Shif T: 100 HP
Wario: 115 HP
Anti Guy: 45 HP
Plane: 170 HP
Admiral Guy: 100 HP

Luigi: Rage Attack!!
(Luigi tries to punch the Plane, but it dodges)

Plane: Feh. You really think you can win with your rage-filled attacks?

Shif T: How about this? Wallet Avalanche!
(Shif T dumps a mountain of stolen wallets on them. Plane: 152 HP. Admiral Guy: 85 HP)

Wario: Go, Garlic Powder!
(Wario inhales garlic powder and sneezes on Admiral Guy)
Admiral Guy: Ewww...

Shif T: We need to stop him from moving. Anti Guy, you anti Shy Guys, remember?

Anti Guy: Oh, yeah! Go, Anti Powers!
(Anti Guy pulls out a bow and arrow, shoots the bow with the arrow, and
the bow smacks into the Shy Guys, defeating them.)

Admiral Guy: Oh, no, I'm stuck!

Plane: Initiating code 34. Lavender Missile Rain.
(A massive barrage of Lavender Missiles crashes into Luigi and Co.
Luigi: 87 HP, Shif T: 76 HP, Wario: 101 HP, Anti Guy: 24 HP)
Luigi: Arrgh...

Shif T: Hey, that's the same kind of missile that shot us down in For A
Moment Forest!

Plane: Heh. As if that missile could have done any serious damage to my armor. I just needed an excuse to trap you in Flubba Blubba's lair without help, and the missile provided it. I'm amazed you survived Flubba Blubba's wrath.

Luigi: ARRRRGH!!! You're gonna pay for that! Emerald Phoenix!!
(Plane: 99 HP, Admiral Guy: 67 HP)

Shif T: Luigi, stop! If you keep using so much power so early, you'll run out too fast!

Plane: Haha! So, Luigi, not only are you behind Mario, but now you're letting Shif T boss you around too! Pathetic!

Luigi: Why... YOU!!!

Shif T: I've got to stop this. Cell Phone Smash!
(Shif T throws an explosive phone at the Plane. Plane: 78 HP)

Plane: Analysis: Situation critical. Initiating retreat.
(The Plane flees the battle)

Luigi: HEY!!! Get back here, you creep! STOP!!

Shif T: It's too late. Forget him.

Wario: Giga Fart!
(Admiral Guy: 54 HP)

Anti Guy: Jar Slap!
(Anti Guy tries to slap himself with a jar, but he has none. Anti Guy: 78
Stupidity Points)

Admiral Guy: Grr... You've pushed me this far, but I have one last trick up my sleeve! Last Ditch!
(Admiral Guy rips off his cannon and throws it, but it bounces off the
wall and hits him. Admiral Guy: 0 HP)

{Boss Battle Ended}

Luigi: Grr... I'll get you, 1300MB! I'LL GET YOU!!!

Luigi's screaming causes an avalanche that crushes him.

Wario: ... Should we help him?

Shif T: Nah, his intense rage and fury should melt the ice around him soon.

(Mario's group)

Mario: Haha! Now to---

Wilson: STOP!! Mario, this isn't the time for that. We need to keep moving!

Mario: *sigh* Okay, fine.

They continue down a dark hallway.

Wilson: Hmm... We must be getting close by now..

Rob-omb: We should have that last bean in no time!

???: Wanna bet?

Mario: W-who's there?!

Flubba Blubba and Yellow Koopa Bro emerge from the darkness.

Mario: YOU!!!

Koopa Yellow: Yep! The Koopa Bros. live on!

Flubba Blubba: We're gonna flatten you, ya jerk!

Rob-omb: So, we meet again, and for the last time!

Koopa Yellow: Yeah... Wait, how many times have we met?

Rob-omb: 2.

Koopa Yellow: Grr... Stop trying to confuse me with big numbers! Besides, we're not alone this time!

A garnet-colored Shy Guy enters.

Mario: Oh, no! It's Hotel Guy from Lavalava Towers!

Hotel Guy: That's right, and you're gonna pay for ruining my job!

Bootler: I say, Mario, do you always have to push buttons?

Flubba: Now it's time for battle, ya jerk!

Wilson: Why do you keep calling us that?!

Flubba: It's a long story, ya jerk.

{Boss Battle!}

Mario: 95 HP
Rob-omb: 100 HP
Wilson: 85 HP
Bootler: 8 HP
Flubba Blubba: 112 HP
Koopa Yellow: 80 HP
Hotel Guy: 40 HP

Flubba: Hah! I've already gone to the bathroom, so I'm ready to fight, ya jerk!

Mario: Go, Flare Mushroom!
(Mario eats the Mushroom. Mario: ATK up)

Rob-omb: Hold Fast!

Bootler: Veil!
(Bootler pulls Rob-omb into the shadows.)

Rob-omb: Will you STOP DOING THAT?! What don't you understand about me being electrified?!

Bootler: Err... You lost me at "what".

Wilson: Now it's my turn. Draconic Strike!!
(Wilson fires a dragon-shaped laser. Flubba: 102 HP, Wilson: ATK up)

Flubba: Hey, why did your attack strength go up, ya jerk?!

Wilson: Heh. My attacks may start out weak, but every time I attack, I can increase someone's attack strength!

Koopa Yellow: Now it's my move. Go, Upside Down Turtle Technique!
(Koopa Yellow flops on his back)

Mario: That useless attack?!

Hotel Guy: *sigh* Well, we'll still beat you!

Flubba: You tell him, ya jerk!

(Hotel Guy charges into Flubba, who trips on Koopa Yellow, sending
him bouncing across the room until he smacks into Hotel Guy, Wilson, and
Mario. Hotel Guy: 32 HP, Mario: 78 HP, Wilson: 67 HP)

Koopa Yellow: Heh, our best combo!

Mario: These guys are deadlier than I thought. Well, take this!
(Mario kicks Koopa Yellow into Flubba. Flubba: 89 HP)

Koopa Yellow: The flaw in our combo...

Bootler and Rob-omb reappear but can't attack.

Wilson: Sonic Boom Dash!
(Koopa Yellow: 54 HP, Wilson: ATK up)

Koopa Yellow: Dang, he's getting stronger!

Flubba: Not for long, ya jerk! Go Super Punch, ya jerk!
(Wilson: 45 HP)

Mario: I'll cover you, Wilson! Go, Hammawhack!
(Mario whacks Hotel Guy with his hammer. Hotel Guy: 12 HP)

Hotel Guy: Jeeze, that Flare Mushroom really boosted his attack too!

Rob-omb: Hey, that's it! Wilson! Catch!!
(Rob-omb throws Wilson another Flare Mushroom. Wilson: ATK up)

Bootler: Go, Tea Time!
(Bootler gives Wilson tea. Wilson: ATK up)

Koopa Yellow: Oh, no...

Wilson: Oh, yes! Go, Meteor Fist!!
(Koopa Yellow: 0 HP)

Wilson: Combo! Dual Strike!!
(Hotel Guy: 0 HP)

Flubba: Uh oh... This ain't good, and I have to go to the bathroom again... I'd better get out of here, ya jerk!
(Flubba flees the battle)

{Boss Battle Ended}

Mario: Whew... That was pretty tough.

Wilson: I'm afraid this won't be the last time we meet. We should find the others.

They proceed down the hall.

???: Aha! Look, a gullible fool has entered our sanctum!

Three Duplighosts fly down.

Bootler: EEK!! I'm scared of ghosts!!

Rob-omb: But you are one!

Bootler: What are you talking about?!

Rob-omb holds up a mirror.

Bootler: Oh... oh my. I really am a ghost. Ahem. EEEEEEEKKK!!!

Duplighost: Now, we'll copy your abilities!

A Duplighost flies over to Bootler.

Doopliss: No, Steve! Not that one! NOOO!!!

The Duplighost transforms into a copy of Bootler.

Duplighost: EEK!! Ghosts everywhere!!

Doopliss: Grr... Retreat!

The Duplighosts flee.

Wilson: ... Well, that was easy.

(At the northern outpost)

Smith: ... So he beat you again?

Flubba: He was too much for us, and the Indivisible Invincible Invisible Incredible Infantry (IIIII's) have spotted them, ya jerk.

Smith: Hmm... I can't let them get my Sacred Bean. If what you and 1300MB told me is true, they somehow have obtained another one. So, if they get this one... the legendary Ztar Rod will finally be reborn.

Koopa Red: Well, what's the plan?

Smith: It's time... I'm going to fight them. Come with me.

Smith, Flubba, Koopa Red, Angry Sun, Skully, Crusher, Bonesey and the Plane enter the palace.

(Luigi's group)

Luigi: Graah!

Luigi's rage melts the snow around him.

Shif T: See? What'd I tell you?

Luigi: Ahh... Whew, that was cold. Come on, let's find the others.

They proceed and find Mario and Co.

Rob-omb: Hey, guys. Did you find anything?

Luigi: Yeah, we saw 1300MB! We're chasing him!

Wilson: He couldn't have gotten far. Come on!

They run down the hall and enter a large central chamber made of Opal.

Mario: Woah... This place is amazing!

They see large stone columns and murals pointing to an empty bowl.

Luigi: But... where's the Sacred Bean?

???: What's wrong? Can't find it?

Luigi: No... It can't be!

Smith enters the room.

Luigi: SMITH!!!

Smith: Yep, Bowser's toughest former underling!

Luigi: Wait... former?!

Smith: I got tired of serving under that moronic slave driver! He always tells me what to do, and never gives me credit for anything! Plus, he's ruining his own empire!

Luigi: (looking at Mario) I can relate.

Smith: Yeah, right, like you understand. Anyway, I'm afraid this is as far as you go. I'm eradicating you pests once and for all!

Luigi: Oh, yeah? You and what army?

Flubba Blubba, Koopa Red, Angry Sun, Skully, Crusher, Bonesey, and the Plane enter.

Luigi: Oh... That army.

Smith: I've spent years training under Bowser, starting as a lowly Paratroopa, slowly becoming the ultimate Koopatrol... And now...

A pair of blue Paratroopa wings burst through Smith's armor.

Smith: ... I'm going to bring down the legendary Mario, and his brother Luigi!

Wilson: Wait a second... There is only one Koopa I've ever known that had blue wings... Isaac?! Is that you?!

Smith: How do you know my name?!

Wilson: It is you! Isaac from the academy! It's me, Wilson!

Smith: Wilson?! Really?! I haven't seen you since you disappeared! What are you doing over there?!

Wilson: I've been trying to get revenge on Kamek for sealing me in that jar!

Smith: What?! He said you deserted us!

Wilson: Smith, Kamek is a liar and a deceiver, not to mention he smells bad!

Smith: Tch... Another one of Bowser's lies... No... I have a mission, and I can't get distracted. Sorry, old friend, but I must defeat you too!

Luigi: Not if I can help it! I'm going to prove I'm better than you!

Smith: Just you try it!!!


Mario: 95 HP
Luigi: 111 HP
Rob-omb: 110 HP
Shif T: 109 HP
Bootler: 8 HP
Wario: 120 HP
Anti Guy: 45 HP
Wilson: 85 HP
Smith: 648 HP
Flubba Blubba: 92 HP
Koopa Red: 100 HP
Angry Sun: 500 HP
Skully: 40 HP
Crusher: 50 HP
Bonesey: 55 HP
Plane: 78 HP

{Battle Begins}

Angry Sun: Mwahahahaa! Finally, I get to crush you! You may have gotten lucky once, twice, three four five or six times, BUT YOU AIN'T---

Rob-omb: Suicide Final Explosion!
(Angry Sun: 0 HP, Rob-omb: 0 HP)

Angry Sun: AWW, COME ON!!!

Shif T: Hmm... 7 on 7, eh?

Smith: I've studied other boss attacks, and I think this will be most effective. Go, Refrigerator Slam!
(Smith easily lifts a refrigerator with one hand and hurls it at Mario)

Wilson: He may not know it, but Mario is vital to this mission. I must protect him!
(Wilson leaps in front of Mario to take the hit, but the fridge bounces off Wilson and hits Luigi. Luigi: 1 HP)


Anti Guy: Go, Cart Speed!
(Anti Guy gets a speeding ticket for going down a hill in a shopping cart and uses the ticket to give Bonesey a paper cut. Bonesey: 54 HP)

Bonesey: Hey, that wasn't a special attack! Why did I take damage?!

Plane: Quiet. Anvil Crush!
(Luigi: 0 HP)

Luigi: Oh, of course.

Wario: Don't worry, I've got it. Revival Garlic!
(Wario feeds Luigi garlic. Luigi: 111 HP)

Luigi: Woah! That's amazing stuff!

Wario: Yeah, but now I only have one left.

Bonesey: It's go time, boys! Ultra Disco Forever!
(The three do an annoying dance. Mario: 85, Luigi: 101, Shif T: 99, Bootler: 11, Anti Guy: 35, Wilson: No effect)

Luigi: Hey, Bootler's HP increased!

Bootler: I say, I enjoy the dance. It brings me back to the good old days!

Wilson: Swift Bolt!
(Wilson strikes the Plane with lightning. Plane: 72 HP, Luigi: ATK up)

Luigi: Thanks, Wilson! Now, Green Thunder!
(Luigi hurls a lightning bolt at the Plane but it bounces off and hits Luigi, setting him on fire and he runs into the Plane. Plane: 45 HP)

Shif T: Suitcase Smash!
(Shif T walks over to Smith, puts a suitcase on his refrigerator, and smashes both)

Koopa Red: Tornado Shell!
(A tornado goes around Shif T and Wario and smashes them both. Shif T: 69, Wario: 90)

Mario: Zzzz... Oh! It's my turn! Gentleman Strike!
(Mario takes off his glove and smacks Smith with it. Smith: 632 HP)

Luigi: Hey, wait a second! Smith, how come you started the fight with the same HP as when we left you in the Looney Bin?

Smith: That's because Bowser never heals his troops. I used to have over 900 HP!

Luigi: Woah... Bowser really does abuse you. I can definitely relate!

Flubba: Zzzz… Oh, I have to attack too, ya jerk! Go, Clubba Attack, ya jerk!
(Flubba falls asleep)

Luigi: Oh, this again?

Smith: Oh, by the way, Luigi, do you remember that your name was never technically changed from "Luigio"?

Luigio: Aww, you just HAD to bring that up again! And just when I finally forgot about it!
(Luigi explodes. Luigi: 76 HP)

Mario: Don't worry, this happens every week.

Mario rebuilds Luigi.

Anti Guy: Kingly Strike!
(Anti Guy plays checkers with Mario, and when he gets a king, the king jumps off the board and hits Koopa Red. Koopa Red: 99 HP)

Plane: Smoothie Cannon!
(Wilson: 46 HP)

Wario: Garlic Blast!
(Wario pulls out a bomb and garlic, eats the bomb and throws the garlic at Skully. Skully: 22 HP)

Bonesey: Enough of this. This battle is too hard!

Crusher: You're right. Let's write a highly worded letter to Nintendo!

Skully, Crusher and Bonesey start writing their letter…

Wilson: Upside DownTurtle Technique!
(Wilson flops on his back, then suddenly starts spinning and charges at Smith and Co, tearing through their ranks. Smth: 627, Flubba: 86, Koopa Red: 91, Skully, Crusher & Bonesey: no effect, Plane: 37, Mario: ATK up)

Luigi: Green Soccer Kick!
(Luigi kicks Koopa Red and hits the Plane with him. Koopa Red: 61, Plane:

Koopa Red: Wait, why did that attack have "green" in the name?!

Shif T: Go, Spare Change!
(Shif T throws coins at them. Koopa Red: 46 HP, Smith: 622 HP)

Shif T: *sniff* It was a worthy sacrifice...

Koopa Red: This is it! Karate Punch!
(Koopa Red punches Bootler and deals 9999999 damage. Bootler: 0 HP)

Mario: Hey! Why so much damage?!

Koopa Red: Well, this attack gets stronger the longer it gets charged, and I've been waiting for six chapters to get to use it!

Smith: Then why did you use it on Bootler?! He wasn't a threat!

Mario: Yeah, why weren't you doing anything, Bootler?!

Bootler: Well, it was tea time.

Mario: Oh, yeah? Go, Green Soccer Kick 2 Red Version!
(He kicks Koopa Red into Smith. Smith: 602, Koopa Red: 21)

Smith: Hmph. Now for my second best attack, Blue Shell Cannon!
(Wilson: 0 HP)

Smith: I'm so sorry, Wilson... but this is how it has to be.

Wilson: Isaac...

Anti Guy: I can do it too! Blue Shell Cannon!
(Anti Guy pulls out a blue shell and it shoots the cannon. Plane: 24 HP)

Plane: Auto Repair.
(Plane: 100 HP)

Luigi: GRR!!! No way!! Go, Green Emerald Phoenix!!!
(Plane: 60 HP, Koopa Red: 0 HP)

Koopa Red: Hey, you didn't answer my question! Why do all your attacks have "green" in them?!

Wario: Biker Burst!
(Wario eats his bike. Plane: 50 HP)

Plane: That makes no sense at all.

Skully, Crusher, and Bonesey are still writing their letter…

Luigi: Now for my attack!

Smith: But you already took your turn!

Luigi: Shut up!
(Smith: 598 HP)
Luigi: Go, Green Green!
(Plane: 10 HP)

Luigi: So close!!

Shif T: Huh?

(UPS delivered the wrong punch to the Goomba in chapter 6 and now they deliver it to Smith. Smith: 585 HP)

Mario: Spring Blast!
(Mario turns into Spring Mario and bounces over Crusher. Crusher: 0 HP)

Crusher: Go on without me, guys! Finish the letter!!

Bonesey: We won't forget you!

Smith: Last Ditch!
(Smith chucks the now-empty Blue Shell Cannon at Mario. Mario: 60 HP)

Plane: Auto Repair.
(Plane: 100 HP)

Luigi: AARRGGHH!!! THAT'S IT!!! I'm gonna finish you once and for all!!! Final Explosion!!!
(Luigi is SO ANGRY he explodes and completely obliterates the Plane. Luigi: 0 HP,
Plane: 0 HP)

Shif T: Well done, Luigi. That's the end of 1300MB.

Wario: Roast Strike!
(Wario makes a roast, wraps it in bacon, and puts potatoes on the side. He eats the roast and throws the potatoes at Smith because he doesn't like them. Smith: 571 HP)

Smith: If you don't like potatoes, why did you put them on in the first place?!

Bonesey: Yes! Finally!

Skully and Bonesey mail the letter.

Shif T: We can't let them get the letter. Ultra Suitcase Smash!
(Skully: 0 HP)

Mario: Basic Action Commands!
(Smith: 551 HP)

Smith: Now for my new best move. Super Duper PHLAPLZMATHQMNS Attack!!!
(Smith uses Bowser's best attack. Wario: 0 HP)

Mario: Noo!! Wario!!!

Anti Guy: Wind Strike!
(Anti Guy takes a pair of scissors and cuts off a piece of thin air, hits Smith with it, then glues it back on. Smith: 550 HP)

Nintendo finally receives the letter.

Nintendo: Hmm, another complaint? Heh, it must be good old Rob-omb again. I'll make the fight easier for him.
(A lightning bolt strikes Smith. Smith: 450 HP)

Smith: WHAAAT?!

Bonesey: Oops, I forgot to sign our names on the letter.


Bonesey: Oh, no...

Smith: Meteor Kick!!
(Smith obliterates Bonesey. Bonesey: 0 HP)

Shif T: Woah. Well, go, Cent Retrieve!
(Shif T collects the spare change he threw earlier and bumps into Smith. Smith: 440 HP)

Mario: Whew... We can't take much more, guys... He's too tough.

Shif T: It's still a 3 on 2. We can't give up now!

Flubba: Zzz... Oh, huh? Ahh, it worked! No one attacked me! Giga Fist, ya jerk!
(Shif T: 34 HP)

Mrio: Arrgh! That's it! I've had it with you! Ruby Inferno!
(Flubba Blubba: 11 HP)

Shif T: Now to finish you! Go, Shadow Tackle!
(Shif T hides in the shadows, then strikes. Flubba: 0 HP)

Smith: Well done, Mario. I'm very impressed. Now I'm the only one left. Too bad I'm far superior to my underlings.

Mario: Please, Smith! See what you've done! You knocked out Wilson, your closest friend!

Smith: I had to. Wilson is my friend... but I must fight for the honor of the Koopa Clan against you, its greatest enemy! Now, Power Up!
(Smith: ATK up)

Shif T: Mario, it looks like this is the end. There is no way we can survive his next attack.

Mario: No... there is one way. I didn't want to have to do this, but there is no other option. If I don't, we will lose. This is a job for a real superhero, the only one who can save us now!

Mario jumps into a telephone booth and becomes Flatman.

Mario: This is it! We only have one shot at this, and it's my last Flat Star, but I have to do it!
(Mario eats the Flat Star. Mario: 250 HP)

Smith: Ahh, so I finally see you at your best. Then let's end it with one final attack!!

Mario: Flat Finale!!!
Smith: Koopa Keave!!!
(Mario and Smith both fly at full speed toward each other and leap up into the air. Mario hurls a fireball at Smith, who dodges and counter-punches, forcing Mario to dive into Smith and punch him. Smith counters by kicking away Mario, who then tackles Smith despite taking the full brunt of Smith's attacks, and both finally fall to the ground with an earth-shattering impact.)

Shif T: ... Incredible...

Mario: Urrk...

Smith: Haah...

(Mario: 0 HP, Smith: 1 HP)

Mario collapses.

Smith: ... I... I did it!! I won!! ah! I have defeated Mario!!! I DID IT!!!

Anti Guy: Computer Crash!
(Anti Guy walks out of the TV, picks up John Koopa's keyboard, goes back in and smacks Smith with it, then returns the keyboard. Smith: 0 HP)



Mario: Haah... hoo...

Smith: Huff... haack... T-this isn't over... I've served under Bowser for too long... to lose now...

Luigi: I understand, Smith. I feel the same way about Mario!

Mario: You know, I can still hear you...

Smith: Huh? You mean... you understand how I feel, Luigi?!

Luigi: Yeah! I know what it's like to be pushed around! I never thought you would too!

Smith: Finally, someone who understands...

Wilson: Smith, you don't have to be treated like that anymore. Come with us! We can pay Bowser back for all he's done!

Smith: Hmm... Luigi understands how I feel... and Mario can't be as bad as Bowser... not to mention Wilson's on that side... plus, I can pay Bowser back... Okay... I've made my decision! I'm joining Mario's side!!!

(Team Members: 9)

Everyone Else: HOORAY!!!

Smith: But, what about you guys?

Koopa Red: Go ahead, Smith! We never liked our job anyway.

Smith: Thank you. I'm glad I've finally found true friends.


Smith: And now, Mario, I give you the last Sacred Bean!

Mario: WOHOOHOOO!!! I got-a all the Sacred Beans!!!

Luigi: Now that we have them all, we can finally rebuild the Ztar Rod!

Mario: Yep! Your ivory tower is about to come tumbling down, Bowser!

Koopa Red: Goodbye!! See you on the flipside, Smith!

Flubba: So long, ya jerk!

Smith: Goodbye, and good luck to us all!

Mario: Now, let's go back to E. Gadd!

They leave.

Flubba: Well, I'm sure going to miss him.

Skully: Yeah... Wait, you just said a sentence without "ya jerk" at the end!

Flubba: Well, to tell you the truth, Bowser didn't actually wish I had to say that.

Skully: Then why have you been saying it?!?!

Flubba: I've just been letting out my feelings. That's how I feel, ya jerk!

Read on... ya jerk!

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