Pooper Mario

By John Koopa

Chapter 1: A (sort of) New Threat

In the Mushroom Kingdom, Bowser had been defeated and peace was restored for a time. But all this was about to change, for in Bowser's Castle....

Koopatrol 1: Anyway, I think Bowser's a wuss. He's always losing to everyone, even Luigi...

Koopatrol 2: Uum, you should probably shut up, man...

Koopatrol 1: I mean, he's obviously off his rocker anyway...

Bowser (standing behind him): Ahem.

Koopatrol 1: EEEK! Uuuh... It was him! *runs away*

Koopatrol 2: Hey! Jerk... Uum... hi. *gets roasted*

Bowser: Ahh, that felt good. Why was I here again? Oh, yeah! Attention, minions! I have obtained a new weapon from my raid of Star Haven! Behold, the STAR ROD!

Koopatrol 3: Sooo... what's it do?

Bowser: It's a magic rod that will grant any wish I desire!

Koopatrol 4: Wow! So, now you can just wish that the world was your-

Bowser: I wish I had a cool weapon!

The Star Rod becomes a flamethrower.

Koopatrol 4: Uum... But, can't you already breathe fire?

Bowser roasts him.

Bowser: Now, to invade Peach's Castle! MOBALIZE THE KOOPA FLEET!!!

Koopatrol 3: But, couldn't you just wish that you
already won-

Bowser: Charge!!!

Mario's house…

Mario: Ahh, it's such a lovely day, isn't it, Luigi?

Luigi: It's raining outside and below 30 degrees.

Random Messenger: Mail call!!!

Mario: Oh, what's-a this? It says, "Dear Mario, we're having a party tonight at the castle, and you're invited! –From Princess Peach"

Luigi: No it doesn't! That's a magazine subscription!

Mario: Do you think we should go?

Luigi: No.

Mario: Okeydokey, let's go!

Luigi leaves.

Peach's castle…

Peach: Mario, what are you doing here?

Mario: You invited me here!

Peach: No I didn't.

Guard: Princess, we have horrible news! The toilet's backed up again! And Bowser's coming!

Mario: Woohoo! Err, I mean, oh no!

An explosion is heard.

Guard: What?! Bowser's lifting us into the air!

Peach: Only in a video game...

Mario: Oh, no!

Bowser bursts through the window.

Bowser: Gwahahaha!!! Mushroom Kingdom, bow before your new king!!!

Peach: *ghasp* The Star Rod! He has it!!!

Mario: What's-a that?

Bowser: Bwahahaha!!! Now all my wishes will come true- *steps on a sharp rock* OOOOOWWWWW!!! Oh, my @#!% foot! What &*%$ genius put a %^@? rock in a ^**# path?! CAN'T YOU SEE I HAVE A @!%# FOOT HERE??? Oh,#^&*! A $%$# And a side of $46*#@ And a boatload of #&^&&!!!

Mario: I thought this was a kid's game!

Bowser: I wish I never stepped on that rock!

The Star Rod glows. POOF!

Bowser: Ha! Now to... Hey, a penny! *steps on rock again* OOOOWWWW!!!

Mario: Uum, can we just fight?

Bowser: Yes, come! I will destroy you!

Battle Sequence!
Mario: 10 HP
Bowser: 10 HP

Jump attack!
zero damage

Ranting attack!
I, King Bowser, cannot be hurt, for the Star Rod
has made me invincible! And furthermore...
5 hours later…
And that is why I'm the king!
Three damage

Mario: 7 HP
ZZZ... Huh? Oh!
Flame attack!
zero damage

Peach: Mario, have you forgotten your action commands?
Mario throws Peach at Bowser.
Peach: EEEK!!!
Zero damage

Bowser: Hah! You can't defeat me, Mario! Now, for my moment of triumph! Super Duper PHLAPLZXMATHQMNS Attack!!!
999,999,999 damage

Battle Ended!


Bowser: It stands for "Pound That Losing Angry
Plumber Like A Xylophone Maybe Attacking
This Hack Questions My Naming Skills"!

Peach: ...

Bowser: Now to randomly throw you out the window instead of just killing you, giving you time to go on a random quest to find some kind of artifacts that can beat me!

He throws Mario out the window.

Peach: Nooo! Mario!!!

Bowser: Oh, spare me the drama! You know he always comes back!

Peach: Forget that! He has my credit card!

Bowser: That was so fun, I want to do it again!

Mario reappears and Bowser hurls him again.

Peach: *sigh...*

Peach throws Bowser out the window. Bowser wishes himself back up.

Bowser: Oh, I'm mad now!


Mario: AAAAAH!!! Oh, the horror, the horror,

Luigi: Mario? What are you doing?

Mario: Playing a video game. Anyway, I've got terrible news! Bowser's kidnapped Peach and taken over the castle!

Luigi: Really?!

Mario: That's not all! He also burped and didn't say excuse me! The fiend!

Luigi: And all of this concerns me, how?

Mario: We have to find a way to beat Bowser!

Luigi: Well, good luck with that.

Luigi leaves.

Mario: Are you ready, Luigi? Luigi? Hellooo?!


Mario: I can't believe Luigi left me! And right after I lent him my expired coupon for a free shaving razor!

Suddenly Mario sees a Bob-omb with purple shoes walk by.

Rob-omb: Laa dee daa! I love blowing things up!

Mario: Hey! Rob!

Rob-omb: Hey, Mario! Long time no see!

Mario: How've you been, Rob?

Rob-omb: Please don't call me Rob.

Mario: I need help! Bowser's taken over!

Rob-omb: That's terrible! I'd love to help, but...

Mario: Great! Let's-a go!!!
(Team members: 2)

Toad Town Square…

Mario: I heard that Professor E. Gadd lives here! Maybe he knows how to stop the Star Rod!

They enter an odd-looking house.

Mario: I wonder where E. Gadd is?

Suddenly a loud explosion is heard.

E. Gadd: Aarrgh! Not again!

Mario and Rob see a used toilet plunger and a box of Corn Flakes.

Mario: Hey, Professor!

E. Gadd: Hello, Mario! I was just working on my latest invention: Cereal on a Stick!

Rob-omb: How can cereal explode?!

Mario: E. Gadd is a genius, but everything he touches explodes.

E. Gadd: That is not true!

E. Gadd leans on a table that then explodes.

E, Gadd: Uum... Point taken. Anyway, what brings you two here?

Mario: Well...

Mario explains everything…

E. Gadd: Hmm... Quite a predicament. Unfortunately, the only thing that can stop the Star Rod is the legendary Ztar Rod. It is said that this sacred item was made by the Spirits to stop the Star Rod in case of emergency. Your only hope is to find it.

Mario: So, how do we find it?

E. Gadd: You can't. It was destroyed.

Mario and Rob: WHAAAT?! What do we do?!

E. Gadd: No need to worry. I can make one!

Mario: Really?! Cool! Make one!

E. Gadd: Impossible. Can't be done.

Mario and Rob: WHAAAT?! You just said you could do it!

E. Gadd: Yes, but to do it I need you to bring me the Seven Sacred Beans!

Mario: So, where do we find those?

E. Gadd: I don't know.

Rob-omb: (Boy, this guy is an idiot!)

E. Gadd: I heard that!

Rob-omb: I hate it when people read my thoughts...

E. Gadd: Then stop thinking out loud!

Mario: Anyway, the real problem is where to look.

Rob-omb: How about the place on the map that says, "Sanctuary of the Seven Sacred Beans"?

E. Gadd: What makes you think you'll find them there?

Rob-omb: Just a guess.

E. Gadd: Well, good luck on your quest!

Suddenly a sheet with night-lights taped to it explodes.

E. Gadd: Not my Glow-in-the-dark Wallpaper!

Mario: Quick! Go! Go! Go!

They run.


Rob-omb: So, how do we find this sanctuary?

Mario: Maybe if we just walk in random directions, we'll get there!

Rob-omb: You're crazy! That'll never wor-

Mario: Found it!

Rob-omb: *sigh...*

Suddenly they see two Koopas badly disguised as Toads.

Koopa 1: Hah! With these disguises, no one can find us out!

Mario: Your disguises are lame!

Koopa 2: Hey! Who dares call our disguises lame?!

Mario: Uuuh... Luigi?

Koopas: Die, Luigi!

They run off.

Rob-omb: ...

Mario: Well, he deserved it.

Rob-omb: Well, if they were Koopas, there must be more of them here. Maybe they're guarding one of the Sacred Beans!

Mario: Let's ask one of the locals. Let me do the talking.

A local walks up.

Mario: Ahem! Gudentag! Se gretin, coltuli nien altometem!

Local: Huh? What?

Mario: He doesn't speak German. Let me try Spanish. Ahem! Ohla! Sacred Beans, por favore?

Rob-omb: Uuh, Mario? I think he speaks English.

Mario: Allo', monseure! Sacrede' Bean-

Rob-omb: MARIO!!!

Local: Uhh, whatever. Bye!

Rob-omb: Great. Now how do we find the Sacred Beans?

Mario: What's a Sacred Bean?

Rob-omb: UUUUUGGHHH.....

The two continue until they see a large fortress filled with Bowser's minions.

Minion: Hey! It's Mario! And a weirdo! Get them!

Rob-omb: Oh, no! We're trapped!

Mario: Quick! Do the jingle!

Mario and Rob: Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there!

A Statefarm agent appears.

Mario: With a bazooka!

A bazooka appears.

Mario: Eat this!

Nothing happens.

Rob-omb: You forgot to say "With ammo"!

Mario: Drat.

Koopatrol: Hey! It's the Statefarm agent that scammed us! Get him!

The Koopas all chase after the Statefarm agent.

Rob-omb: ... Well, that was lucky.

The Statefarm agent is heard screaming.

Mario: There's someone in trouble! This looks like a job for a real superhero!

Rob-omb: Like who?

Mario jumps into a telephone booth and becomes Paper Mario.

Mario: This is a job for... Flatman.

(Doo dee doo dee doo dee FLATMAN!!!)

Mario: Quick, Rob-omb! To the Flat-cave!

Rob-omb: Holy moldy underwear, Flatman!

At the Flat-cave…

Mario: ... Aha! There's the Statefarm agent's location! Hurry! To the Flatmobile!

They jump on a two-seated tricycle.

Mario: It won't work! I could have sworn I recharged the Flatteries this morning!

Suddenly a large explosion is heard.

Rob-omb: Holy giant explosions caused by bombs that Bowser's henchmen are throwing at the Statefarm agent! What was that?!

Mario: I think you pretty much summed it up.

Koopas: Die, Mr. Statefarm!

Mr. Statefarm: I'm sorry I tricked you into giving me your Sacred Bean! Please spare me!

Rob-omb: Holy random sentences that don't make any sense, Flatman! He has a Sacred Bean!


Mario: Halt villains, you are facing the wrath of Flatman and Rob-omb!

Four Koopas with multicolored shells step forward.

Koopa Red: To protect the world from Nintendo!

Koopa Blue: Stop now or hear our crescendo!

Koopa Green: To denounce the evils of the Overworld Hub!

Koopa Yellow: To extend our reach to the games above!

Koopa Red: Gerald!

Koopa Blue: Tony!

Koopa Green: Hank!

Koopa Yellow: Billy!

Koopa Red: Koopa Bros, stealing this game's copyright!

Koopa Blue: Surrender now, or prepare to fight!

Koopa Green: Haaank, that's right!
(Theme Ends)

Rob-omb: Holy random spoofs!

Mario: You know, Rob, there is nothing holy about spoofs.

Koopa Red: So, you want our Sacred Bean, eh, Flatman?

Mario: How did you know?

Koopa Red: Because I read the script. Now, if you want it, you'll have to beat us!


Mario: 40 HP
Rob-omb: 30 HP
Koopa Red: 100 HP
Koopa Blue: 80 HP
Koopa Green: 80 HP
Koopa Yellow: 80 HP

Rob-omb: We're outmatched, Flatman!

Mario: Don't worry! I know what to do!

Mario pulls out a Star.

Mario: Behold! The Flat-star!

Star: Hey, I've been trying to gain weight!

Mario becomes Star Mario. HP: 150

Koopa Red: Awww, crud.

Mario: Go, Flat-ulence!

Mario farts on Koopa Blue.

Koopa Red: You okay, dude?!

Koopa Blue: UUUUGHH!!! (20 HP)

Koopa Red: You'll pay for that! Everyone, TMNT ATTACK!!!

The Koopa Bros. attack with swords and shuriken.
Mario: 120 HP
Rob-omb: 10 HP

Rob-omb: If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me!

He rams Blue. Blue: Zero HP

Koopa Blue: I'm out, man! *runs away*

Koopa Red: Coward!

Mario: Don't worry, Rob-omb! I'll heal you with a Flat-shroom!
Rob-omb: 40 HP

Koopa Yellow: Oh, yeah? Koopa fist combo!

Koopa Green: Double kick combo!
Mario: 70 HP

Rob-omb: That was unfair! I'm going to write a Highly Worded Letter to Nintendo!

Rob-omb begins writing.

Mario: Star Burst, Go!!!
Mario hurls candy at Koopa Green.
Koopa Green: EEK! I hate taffy!
Koopa Green: 40 HP.

Koopa Red: How can you be hurt by candy?! BLAZING FIREBALL!!!
Rob-omb: 20 HP

Rob-omb: Hey, watch the fuse!

Koopa Red: Sorry. My bad.

Mario: Can you hurry up with that letter?!

Rob-omb: You can't rush art!

Mario: No, but you can give it a good kick in the face! And speaking of which... STAR KICK!
Koopa Red: 70 HP

Koopa Red: Ooouch! Hey, wait, why are we announcing our attacks?! No matter! Kung fu chop!
Mario: 69 HP

Mario: What was that?! You stink!

Koopa Red: My mom thinks I'm cool!

Rob-omb: Yes! I finally finished my letter!

Mario: Good work, Rob-omb!

Rob-omb: Now I just have to mail it!

Mario: Oh, COME ON!!! Blazing Barrage!
Koopa Green: Zero HP

Koopa Green: Peace out, man!

Green runs off.

Koopa Red: What lousy brothers I've got.

Koopa Yellow: I'll prove myself, Gerald! Shell Slam! Mario: 55 HP

Mario: Oh, yeah? Nebula Burst!
A star crushes Koopa Yellow.
Koopa Yellow: Uuugh... That's going to leave a mark. (10 HP)

Koopa Red: And you call my moves unfair! Molten Blast! Mario: 40 HP

Mario: No! I've lost my Star power! Jump kick!
Koopa Red: Hah! Without your Star power, you're weak! (65 HP)

Koopa Yellow: Koopa Crush!
Mario: 15 HP

Mario: Is this the end?!

Rob-omb: I did it! I mailed the letter! Finally!

Nintendo (receiving the letter): Hmmm... The Koopa bros. are a little too strong. I should weaken them.

Koopa Red gets hit by a lightning bolt.
Koopa Red: AAAAARRGH!!! (Zero HP)

Rob-omb: Final Blast!!!
Koopa Yellow: 0 HP

Koopa Yellow: The Koopa Bros. have fallen!!!


Mario: *pant... pant...* We did it, Rob...

Rob-omb: Why are you saying "pant"?

The Statefarm agent approaches.

Mr. Statefarm: You saved my life! Here, take this shiny bean as a reward!

Mario: Hooray! I got a Sacred Bean!!!

Suddenly Luigi runs up to Mario.

Luigi: Whew, I finally lost those Koopas!

Rob-omb: What are you doing here?

Luigi: Some idiot told them I said their costumes stunk!

Mario whistles guiltily.

Luigi: Anyway, who are you supposed to be?

Mario changes back to normal.

Mario: Nobody.

Rob-omb: Hey, Mario, how come you and Flatman are never together at the same time?

Mario: *sigh...*

Luigi: I know this is a bad idea, but I think I should join you to get away from those Koopas.

Mario: Really? Yay!!!

Luigi joins the team.

Luigi: I just know I'm gonna regret this...

Mario: But wait! Rob-omb, what did your letter to Nintendo say, anyway?

Rob-omb: I wrote: "U R STUPID!!!"


Read on!

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