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Dark Star vs Biff Atlas vs Red I

Announcer Referee

***

Iggy: Welcome back to Roy’s Famous Soups Presents: Roy’s Famous Soups Sports Hall!

Larry: Why are you sponsored by your own product, Roy?

Roy: Well, see, how it works is that Roy’s Famous Soups gives funding to Roy’s Famous Soups Sports Hall in exchange for said Sports Hall slathering the Roy’s Famous Soups name everywhere, like so much delicious Roy’s Famous Soups. Now with Cream of 1-Up Mushroom!

Larry: That’s going to get old really early.

Roy: Well, too bad, you have to wear this mascot costume.

Larry: Is this a giant mascot suit of yourself?

Roy: Isn’t it whimsical?

Larry: *sigh* At least you won’t shock me because you don’t want to burn your own suit.

Roy: Yeah, that’s true. Oh well. Iggy, get to announcing! I’ll use my off-hand to smack you if you namedrop our sponsor at least three times!

Iggy: Sounds like a deal to me. In the Roy’s Famous Soups Tomato Corner, it’s that guy who takes stars away from you in Mario Party, DARK STAR!

Dark Star: DO NOT TRIFLE WITH ME. I HOLD POWER BEYOND ALL IMAGINATION.

Iggy: In Roy’s Famous Soups Split Pea Corner, he fights like a gentleman and dodges like a ghost! Give a Sports Hall welcome to BIFF ATLAS!

Audience: Woooo.

Biff Atlas: I say, let’s have a friendly bout. Standard rules.

Roy: What’s with this guy? He plays by rules?!

Iggy: Probably just a figure of speech. And finally, in Roy’s Famous Soups Crab n’ Corn Chowder Corner, he got on a really late flight to make it here and gained untold power in the process! RED I!

Red I: Mom always told me, “if you only have one thing you’re good at, shoot lasers out of your eye until the Hall’s a smoking mess!”

Iggy: And it’s that time again! Larry, your prediction?

Larry: I’m going with Red I to win on this one, I think he’s a good dark horse candidate.

Iggy: He’s not a dark horse, he’s a red eyeball.

Larry: Really? I need my contact lenses.

Iggy: With that out of the way…Pokey?

Pokey: Fight.

DING DING DING!

Red I: Let’s get this party started!

FREEEEOWWWWWW!

Iggy: No surprises so far, Red I’s fired a laser at Biff.

Biff Atlas: Hwup!

Roll!

Red I: Hey, that’s unfa–

THWACK!

Red I: AAAAAAAARGH! MY EYE!

Dark Star: YOU ARE BOTH FOOLS.

ZAAAAAAAP! KABOOM!

Iggy: Looks like Dark Star was waiting for Biff to get a hit in before launching a small explosion that hit both of them!

Red I: I’m not going to fail!

Dark Star: THINK AGAIN.

KREEE!

Red I: What? What?!

Iggy: Dark Star’s lifted Red I into the air! I think he’s trying for that beam attack!

Red I: Oh, really? Then let me show you what I can do!

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE–Fzt!

Dark Star: AN EVEN MATCH WITH THIS SPECK OF DUST? HOW DISTRESSING.

Red I: Just wait ‘til I recharge for another ten seconds, then I’ll crush you like a–

Biff Atlas: An opening!

BIFF! CRASH!

Red I: AAAAAUGH!

Dark Star: NGF.

Iggy: Biff punched Red I into Dark Star while Red I was still being held in the air!

Dark Star: YOU ARE A FOOL FOR ANGERING ME.

CRAAAAAAAAASH!

Iggy: Now glowing tentacles have sprung up all over the arena!

Dark Star: TASTE MY POWER OVER THE SHADOWS.

Whiff! Whiff! Whiff! Whiff! Whiff!

Dark Star: IMPOSSIBLE. IMPOSSIBLE!

Biff Atlas: I say, what a worthy opponent! Reminds me of my salad days, sparring with my old friend Bogmire! Rather gloomy fellow, though.

BIFF!

Dark Star: YOU INSOLENT FOOL!

Grip!

Biff: What?

FLING!

Biff: GUAAAAAAAH!

BAM! Roll roll roll…

Red I: AAAAUUUUAAAAAUUUUAAAA…

Iggy: Red I’s careening around the ring!

Dark Star: I REFUSE TO DIRTY MY HANDS ANY FURTHER. I WILL ALLOW THE ROLLING EYEBALL TO FINISH YOU OFF.

Biff: I would advise you not to underestimate your opponent, chum!

Iggy: Biff is crouching, facing Red I! What kind of trick does he have up his sleeve?

ROLL ROLL ROLL…

Biff: AAAAAARAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

UPPERCUT!

Red I: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa…

BAM!

Dark Star: A MINOR SETBACK. I WILL JUST FLING YOU OUT OF THE RING AND–

Whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh whump!

Dark Star: WHAT IS THIS?

Biff Atlas: Time for a little practice! I’m getting out of shape!

WHACK! Swing…

Iggy: Red I dropped a sandbag on a rope from the ceiling, and Biff is trying to swing it into Dark Star! Could it work? COULD IT POSSIBLY WORK?

Whiff!

Iggy: Nope.

Dark Star: HAHAHAHAHA. YOUR STRUGGLES ARE ENJOYABLE TO ME.

Biff Atlas: Undignified scum don’t bother to check behind them.

Dark Star: HM?

Whiff!

Iggy: Biff actually WARNED Dark Star about the sandbag’s backswing! Why would he do that?

Dark Star: I SHALL MAKE YOUR DESTRUCTION SWIFT AND–

Red I: DIVING LASER ATTACK!

ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Dark Star: GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Iggy: Ooh, clever!

Red I: It’s over now! I’ll just roll, but this time I can crush you!

Roll roll roll…

Iggy: Woah! Red I’s rolling at a ridiculous speed towards Biff!

Biff: I can see your moves coming from a mile away.

Iggy: And…he’s…gone limp.

Red I: YEAAAAAHHHHH!

WHAM!

Biff: CROSS COUNTER!

BIFF!

…

Iggy: WOAH! THEY HIT EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME!

…

Biff Atlas: Too… strong…

Whump!

Pokey: Biff Atlas, eliminated.

Red I: Aw man, now I’m gonna have a black eye.

Iggy: Red I’s still standing.

Dark Star: IT SHALL BE CHILD’S PLAY TO DESTROY YOU.

Red I: Oh yeah? Let me just get you in my sights…

WARP!

Red I: I saw that!

WARP!

Red I: Gotcha!

WARP! WARP! WARP!

Red I: No way, man! I’m following you anywhere!

WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP!

Red I: I… can… totally… see… you…

WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP!
WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP!
WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP!
WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP! WARP!

Red I: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

Pop!

Pokey: Winner, Dark Star.

Dark Star: THEY BARELY OFFERED A CHALLENGE.

Iggy: And Dark Star used the tried-and-true trick of moving around Red I in a circle, causing him to disappear! This match is over!

Roy: Yes, and so are you for not namedropping our sponsor at all during that match.

Iggy: Aww, Roy! Wasn’t painting the logo on every flat surface in the Hall enough?

Roy: No! I need Roy’s Famous Soups to rise to excellence, purporting our delicious, wholesome message!

Larry: Which is?

Roy: I want to win a bet with Thwomp that I can make a successful soup company.

Larry: …

Roy: Your silence displeases me! For that, you’re getting locked in the suit!

Click!

Larry: What the?!

Roy: And it was a happy ending?

Larry: This… this is going to be… uh… fun! Yes, fun is the word. End transmission.