***

Roy: It’s time for another match, here at Roy’s Sports Hall!

Larry: Another match?

Roy: ARE YOU SAYING THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG–

Larry: We do matches every week, Roy. It gets boring.

Roy: YOU– YOU–

Larry: Eek! Hit my left eye so they match!

Roy: YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

Larry: Huh?

Roy: I’ve been thinking for a while, “If we did the same old thing every season, wouldn’t the audience leave?”

Larry: They would.

Roy: No, because they love me so much! But if I did some crazy new thing and overcharged everyone, then we would be literally swimming in dough!

Larry: You don’t mean lit–

Roy: I MEAN LITERALLY! I want to swim in bread dough.

Larry: That seems unlike you.

Roy: It’s like quicksand you can eat! What’s not to love? Anyways, I’ve got this thing under construction.

Larry: My! It’s… uh… large. And flat.

Roy: It won’t be done for a while, but trust me, it’ll be worth the wait.

Larry: Let me just peek und–

BADA-BAM! CRASH!

Larry: Or not… ugh.

Pokey: Winner, Roy.

Roy: You know it! But seriously, Ludwig, time to announce.

Ludwig: Can it not wait? I am busy working on my new invention. It announces for me while I work on more inventions.

Roy: Well then, try it out before I send it to the scrapheap.

Ludwig: But there’s still some bugs to iron out and–

Roy: I don’t care! Either activate him or I punch you for wasting my time!

Ludwig: Fine, fine. Ludwig-bot, version 0.9! ACTIVATE!

Beeeep! Ba-ding!

Ludwig-bot: WELCOME-TO-THE-SPORTS-HALL. TODAY-IS-AN-EXCITING-MATCH-BETWEEN-TWO-SPIRITED-COMPETITORS.

Roy: Well, he certainly shows more emotion than you.

Ludwig: Shut up.

Ludwig-bot: IN-CORNER-#FF0000-IS-KOOPALING-NUMBER-FOUR-IGGY-KOOPA. ODDS-CALCULATED-AT-45%-VICTORY-48%-LOSS-7%-INTERFERENCE-BY-ROY.

Iggy: That seems about right. Except for the part where I lose!

Ludwig-bot: IN-CORNER-#3333FF-IS-NON-CANON-KOOPA-HYBRID-KARMA-KOOPA. ODDS-CALCULATED-AT-55%-VICTORY-44%-LOSS-1%-INTERFERENCE-BY-ROY.

Karma: Don’t worry, my Met! I’ll sweep your brother easily!

Ludwig-bot: ENGAGEMENT-CONCERNS-ARE-NOT-THE-CONCERN-OF-A-CREATURE-OF-METAL-AND-BOLTS.

Karma: Ludwig, tell that machine to stop it!

Ludwig: Stop that, Ludwig-bot.

Ludwig-bot: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP FZT INSERT COMEBACK HERE FZT

Ludwig: I will not tolerate that talking back!

Ludwig-bot: AND-NOW-IT-IS-TIME-TO-BEGIN-THE-MATCH. POKEY-START-THE-MATCH.

Pokey: Fight.

DING DING DING!

Karma: I’m not going easy on you!

Whoosh!

Iggy: Ha!

WHAM!

Iggy: HOW?!

Ludwig-bot: KARMA-RECOGNIZED-EASILY-TELEGRAPHING-IGGY-AND-HIT-HIM-WITH-BEEEEEEEEP INSERT NAME OF ATTACK FZT

Ludwig: *sigh* Whirling Fortress.

Ludwig-bot: BEEEEEEEEP HIT-HIM-WITH-WHIRLING-FORTRESS.

Iggy: How was I telegraphing that dodge?!

Karma: I’m sure not going to tell you!

Whoosh!

Iggy: Then I won’t dodge! Take THIS!

ZAP! Hop!

Iggy: WHAT THE–

WHAM!

Iggy: ARGH!

Ludwig-bot: KARMA-EASILY-READ-IGGY’S-SIGNS-AND-JUMPED-OVER-SHRINK-RAY.

Iggy: WHAT SIGNS?!

Ludwig-bot: LUDWIG-BOT-IS-IMPARTIAL.

Iggy: Okay, poker face, poker face.

Karma: You’re not touching my face!

Whoosh!

Iggy: That’s not what I– Aw, whatever.

ZAP! FAZOOM!

Iggy: YES! Got–

Plink!

Iggy: What was that? A fly?

…

Iggy: Huh, it’s a tiny egg. Wait. WAIT A–

BAM!

Ludwig-bot: SEEING-IGGY’S-INCREDIBLY-OBVIOUS-GIVEAWAY-KARMA-PRETENDED-TO-MISHEAR-HIS-ATTACK-AND-THREW-TWO-EGGS-ONE-DEALING-DAMAGE.

Iggy: Fine, then. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH!!! FIRE FIRE FIRE!!

ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP!

Ludwig-bot: IGGY-IS-FIRING-WILDLY-AROUND-THE-ARENA. 15%-OF-AUDIENCE-SHRUNKEN.

Karma: Whoops! You missed!

Whoosh!

Iggy: GOTCHA!

CLANG!

Karma: What the–

Iggy: HA!

ZAP! FAZOOM!

Karma: Oh no!

Iggy: Now to crush you like a bug! MEGA-SIZE!

ZAP! FAZOOM!

Iggy: I WIIIIIIIN–

Karma: Not so fast!

Whooooooosh!

Ludwig-bot: KARMA-IS-TRAVELING-UP-GIANT-IGGY’S-LEG. MOST-LIKELY-TO-ANNOY-CAUSING-RING-OUT.

Iggy: Well, in that case, I’ll just shake you off!

Karma: That wasn’t–

BOUNCE! Shatter!

Iggy: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ludwig-bot: KARMA-SHATTERED-IGGY’S-WAND-CAUSING-ALL-SIZE-MAGIC-TO-BE-UNDONE. ANALYSIS-SHOWS-THAT-ROY-COULD-HAVE-WON-HAD-HE-DONE-THIS.

Roy: Just for that you’re getting shocked!

Ludwig-bot: I-AM-A-ROBOT-I-DO-NOT-FEAR-ELECTROCUTION.

Roy: Well you– uh– well, dang. I guess you’re right.

Iggy: I can still beat you without the wand!

Karma: Are you kidding me? You’re weak like a meringue.

Iggy: I have guile on my side!

Karma: Oh yeah?

Iggy: Yeah! I’ll show you! Go–

Karma: HA!

Whoosh!

Iggy: –Chompy!

CRAAAAAASH!

Karma: GUAH!

Ludwig-bot: IGGY-SUMMONED-HIS-CHOMP-CHARIOT-TO-THE-RING. HE-HAS-DEALT-HIS-FIRST-BLOW-OF-THE-MATCH.

Iggy: NO EDITORIALS! I’m winning, aren’t I?

WHAM!

Iggy: AAAAARGH! I’ve got egg on my face now!

Karma: It’s over!

FLING! FLING! FLING! SMASH! SMASH! SMAAAAASH! Clunk clunk.

Chomp: Whiiiine…

Ludwig-bot: IGGY-IS-BURIED-IN-A-PILE-OF-EGG-SHELLS.

Karma: Ha! Looks like this match is over.

Pokey: Yes. Winner, Iggy.

Karma: Exactly! See, my Met? I truly am stronger than– I’m sorry, what did you say?

Iggy: He said the truth.

BWOING! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH–

Ludwig-bot: IMPOSSIBLE-LUDWIG-BOT-IS-WRONG.

Roy: Wow, I thought he wouldn’t be like you at all, but he’s actually really realistic.

Ludwig: Well, of cour– I mean, shut up.

Karma: Dodged!

BAM!

Karma: NOOOOOOOO! GAH! Ugh! Oof! Ugh.

Ludwig-bot: IGGY-USED-THE-CHARIOT-AS-A-DISTRACTION-TO-LAUNCH-HIMSELF-FROM-THE-ROPES. IGGY-IS-THE-WINNER.

Iggy: NOW who’s telegraphing? Huh? HUH?

Ludwig-bot: AS-THREE-WEEK-CHAMPION-IGGY-WILL-BE-ANNOUNCING-INSTEAD-OF-MYSELF-OR-MASTER-LUDWIG. CONGRATULATIONS-IGGY.

Roy: Awwww, I hate that.

Larry: Hey, when you punched me into that thing, I got to see what it is. I must’ve missed the match, but I’ve gotta say that’s the coolest TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED I’ve ever seen! I mean, there’s so many TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED and it’s all for TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED!

Roy: I specifically designed it for TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED. Hey, I think the wires are a bit loose. You should repair them with your tongue.

Larry: I’m my own man! You can’t make me!

Roy: Well, then, I can just TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Please enjoy some alternate programming.

Shy Guy: And that’s why you edgehog after you nair!

The winner:

The loser: