[A Note From Lemmy: Hmm, haven't written one of these in a while. Anyway, this story is intended to be a parody of the the Mario 64 cartoon... which never existed. No matter, I will still accept stories and place it here if they are in the same style as the real cartoons, only with Mario 64-related themes. So, here we go!]

(One day, Jon is shopping at the Mushroom Kingdom supermarket for Bowser. Jon takes out the 70
gold coins Bowser had given him, as well as the list of items he needs. They are:

1. Milk
2. Butter
3. Everything else

Jon sighs, then starts to look for milk. Suddenly a special announcement comes on.)

Announcement: Attention all shoppers! Special offer today only! Buy 100 cans of Spam for 70 percent off!

Jon: 70 percent?! Bowser's gonna flip when I come make with a year's supply of groceries for 10 coins!

(Jon starts to look around and soon finds a giant pyramid of cans with a sign reading "70% off when you buy 100 cans of Spam!". Jon walks up to the shopping attendant.)

Jon: Um... What exactly IS Spam?

Attendant: Are you crazy?! Nobody knows what Spam is! All we know is it costs... Well look at that, you have exactly what it costs!

Jon: Well, uh... okay, I'll buy it!

(All of a sudden a bunch of balloons fall from the celling and lights start to flash. Some guy comes up to Jon.)

Guy: CONGRADULATIONS!!! YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON EVER TO BUY SPAM!!!

(The guy puts a hat that says "Crazy" on Jon's head.)

Jon: They like me! *sniff* They, they really like me!

(The attendant kicks Jon out of the supermarket, followed by his dumping the 100 cans of Spam on top of him.)

Jon: ... Ow.

(At Bowser's castle...)

Bowser: ... So let me get this straight. You wasted 70 coins on 100 cans of Spam and you don't even know what to do with it?!

Jon: (still wearing the crazy hat) Well, yeah....

Bowser: WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 100 CANS OF @^$#&(* SPAM?!

Jon: Uh... eat it?

Bowser: GET OUT!!!

(The incredible loudness of Bowser's yelling causes a mini-tornado to blow Jon and the 100 cans of Spam out of Bowser's castle and into the Mushroom Kingdom. Jon gets up.)

Jon: Uh oh.

(Again, the 100 cans of Spam land on Jon.)

Jon: ... Ow again!

(Lemmy sees Jon.)

Lemmy: Hey Jon, what do you have there?

Jon: A busted neck and 100 cans of Spam. Hey, do you know what Spam is?

(Lemmy looks at the side of a can.)

Lemmy: Says here it's a meat substitute.

Jon: You mean it's edible?

(Jon pulls out a table, a white cloth, two pairs of forks and knives, two plates, to napkins, and a lit candle from nowhere. Jon and Lemmy put on the napkins and each take a can of Spam.)

Jon: Bon appetit!

(Jon cuts a sqaure of Spam from the can and eats it. Then, strangly, his face turns blue and he spits out the Spam.)

Jon: YUCK!

(Lemmy puts down his fork and knife and pushes his can away.)

Lemmy: I... think I'll pass.

(Jon suddenly gets an idea.)

Lemmy: Why is there a lightbulb above your head?

Jon: 'Cause I got an idea.

Commercials...

(Jon and Lemmy appear outside Mario's house. )

Jon: Okay, now stay low.

(Inside...)

Mario: Luigi, do these pants make me look fat?

Luigi: Well...

Mario: I'm just joking! Now I have to look my best for the party! I'm getting my cake for saving the Mushroom Kingdom again and I have to have a speech! How's this?

(Mario reads his speech.)

Luigi: Uh... It's great Mario, just GREAT...

Mario: Thank you so much Luigi.

Toad: Come on now, we're gonna be late!

(Mario, Luigi, and Toad hop into Mario's blue car and head for the party.)

Lemmy: You hear that?

Jon: You bet I heard that! There's gonna be a party!!! I never miss out on a party!

Lemmy: But if WE show up they'll boot us out.

Jon: Again, I have an idea.

(In Bowser's castle...)

(Bowser and the other Koopalings were distracted by another of Morton's speeches. Of course, they fell asleep. They weren't actually listening.)

Morton: And that is the meaning of life in English, now for the Spanish version...

(Elsewhere...)

(Mario arrived at the party dressed up, ready for his speech.)

Mario: Okay, here we go... Mushroomers, Toads, and, of course the lovely Princess...

Princess: Why Mario, I'm flattered.

Toad: (whispering to Luigi) Suck up.

Mario: It is a great honor to...

(Meanwhile outside...)

(Jon and Lemmy are dressed up in clown outfits, with two professional clowns tied up nearby.)

Lemmy: If anybody I know sees me in this rediculous outfit, Jon...

Jon: Relax!

(Jon and Lemmy go up to the door.)

Guard: Name please.

Jon: Doink and Dink, professional clowns!

Lemmy: I get to be Doink!

(Jon kicks Lemmy in the knee.)

Jon: (whispering) Shut up!

Guard: Oh yes, the entertainment. Hey, you looked a lot taller in the photo...

Lemmy: Yeah well don't always believe your eyes, bucko!

Guard: I was just saying...

Lemmy: Aw stuff it! The nerve of people these days...

(Lemmy continues to mumble to himself as he and Jon walk in.)

Guard: Temper, temper.

Mario: ... And so it is a great honor to receive this cake as my sole reward for saving the Princess and-

(Suddenly all of the lights go off. Everyone screams. When the lights go back on the Princess is tied up on the top staircase of the castle with two suspicous looking clowns holding her hostage.)

Mario: Princess!!!

Princess: HELLLLLLLLP!

Commercials again...

(When the show returns from the commercials, Jon and Lem- Sorry, Doink and Dink, have the Princess hostage.)

Mario: What do you two clowns think you're doing?!

Jon: We're just going to do a little make-up!

Lemmy: Yeah, like dying her hair green!!!

Princess: YUCK!!! I HATE GREEN!!!

Mario: I'm coming Princess!

(Mario starts to run up the stairs.)

Jon: Now!!!

(Jon and Lemmy both throw off their costumes to reveal themselves. Now they are wearing army clothes with a big tank-like machine behind them, loaded up with the 100 cans of Spam behind it.)

Jon: SPAM ATTACK!!!

(Lemmy puts a can of Spam into the machine. Jon pulls back the rope and Spam covers all of the staircase. )

Mario: Hey, what is this stuff?

(Mario slips and falls into the Spam.)

Jon: Ha ha!

(Even more Spam starts falling and begins to consume the castle. Mario gets back up, but falls all the way back down the stairs again.)

Lemmy: We've got you now so just give up!

Jon: So long, suckers!!!

(A rope falls from the celling and Jon and Lemmy, holding onto the Princess, get raised up into Lemmy's doomship.)

Princess: HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP ME!!!

Mario: I'm coming... sort of!

(Mario again slips in the Spam and falls down.)

Mario: This isn't working.

Luigi: Mario, take a look at this can!

(Mario reads the can.)

Mario: A meat substitute?! That means...

(Mario takes a can of spaghetti sauce and pours it all over the Spam.)

Mario: Everybody, eat! EAT FOR YOUR LIVES!

(Everybody starts eating the Spam. Three people get sick and two Toads drown in the Spam. Mario finally manages to reach the rope just as it lifts out of the castle.)

(Outside...)

Jon: Look at that! Mario is still following us!

Lemmy: Get rid of him Jon! Hurry before he gets up here!

Princess: HELP! HELP HEL-

(Jon sticks duct tape over the Princess' mouth.)

Jon: That's better.

Luigi: (yelling) Mario, catch this!

(Luigi throws a Metal Cap up to Mario.)

Mario: It's-a Metal Mario time!

(Mario transforms into Metal Mario.)

Jon: You're too late Mario!!!

(Jon shoots more cans of Spam at Metal Mario, but Mario catches them and even manages to throw one right back into Jon's mouth. Jon spits it out.)

Jon: YUCK! I can't stand that stuff.

(Mario gets up onto the doomship.)

Lemmy: Uh-

Jon: Oh.

(Metal Mario dodges more of Jon's Spam cannon blast and uppercuts him, knocking him off the ship. Lemmy manages to grab his Freeze Gun.)

Lemmy: That does it!

(Lemmy fires a cold beam of ice at Metal Mario, who deflects it with a punch and freezes the ship, causing it to fall.)

Lemmy: Oh crud. You, know what, I'm gonna save you the trouble Mario.

(Lemmy pretends to be knocked out and jumps off the ship. Mario frees the Princess and manages to get off the ship just in time. Metal Mario turns back into Mario.)

Princess: Oh Mario, you were great.

(Princess kisses Mario on the cheek. Mario gives a thumbs up at the screen fades to black.)

(Meanwhile...)

Ludwig: So what did we all learn today?

Bowser: Not to let Jon go shopping?

Lemmy: That I look really bad in an orange wig?

Jon: That Spam tastes like a wet sponge?

Ludwog: No, we learned that... Actually, Jon was right, we did learn that Spam tastes like a wet sponge.

All: *sigh*

Go back to the fake cartoons.
Go back to Lemmy’s Mario Cartoons.
Go back to my main page.