Wario, Strategist: I just realized that unless I win immunity eight times in a row, I will be voted off by the Koopa Troop alliance. Maybe their team is split! Then I could go and get on one of their smaller alliances and I may have a better chance...

Yoshi, Food Analyst: Yoshi so hungry!

Wario: Hey, Yoshi! Look at what I just found!

Yoshi: What is it?

Wario: It’s a secret passageway hidden in this closet! Maybe there’s food if we go in it!

Yoshi: Food! Yoshi want food! Let’s go!

Wario: Just hope that the door doesn’t get blocked by something falling in front of it after we go in it... but how would that happen? Hey, I can’t fit through the doorway!

Yoshi: Go on a diet!

Wario: I can’t right now!

Yoshi: Yoshi push! Unnngh!

Yoshi bounces off Wario’s blubber.

Yoshi: Wario too heavy!

Wario: I’m stuck for good if you don’t get me out! Get Mario’s help, Yoshi!

Yoshi: Mario! Mario!

Mario: What-a is it?

Yoshi, Food Analyst: The accent’s back. Yoshi no like accent.

Yoshi: Get over here and push Wario, Mario!

Mario: Okay. Unnngh!

Mario bounces off Wario’s blubber.

Mario: Wario’s too fat! Go on a diet, Wario!

Wario, Strategist: These morons must not realize that I can’t go on a diet until I get out of this stupid
doorway!

Wario: Hey, Mario!

Mario: Yeah?

Wario: I have a plan for you. Get some kind of object that can cut through this wooden doorway.

Mario: Like scissors?

Wario: Not scissors, but maybe a saw.

Mario: I saw it too.

Wario: No, not that kind of saw. One that can cut.

Mario: Scissors cut too!

Wario: Yoshi!

Yoshi: Yes, Wario?

Wario: Get a saw!

Yoshi goes looking for a saw. He goes out the door and goes to the hallway, which is the other side of the closet. He opens the door.

Yoshi: Hey, Wario! Here Yoshi is!

Wario: How did you get in this closet?

Yoshi: This closet has a door on the other side!

Wario, Strategist: I’m so stupid I forgot this closet goes between this room to the hallway. Well, at least maybe Yoshi can get me out.

Wario: Yoshi!

Yoshi: Yeah, Wario?

Wario: Push from your side!

Wario, Strategist: This is a great idea. I’ll be out of here in no time.

Yoshi and Mario push at the same time.

Yoshi: This no working, Wario. You’re stuck for good.

Wario: Oh, no I’m not. Mario, stop pushing.

Mario stops pushing and Yoshi falls over.

Wario: Get up, Yoshi! Stop lying around and get me out of here!

Yoshi: Hasn’t lost enough weight from Wario not eating for almost ten days straight?

Wario: I weighed 405 pounds coming in. I think I’ve lost one hundred pounds.

Mario: Lose more weight!

Wario: I won’t lose enough weight to get out of here until the stupid contest is almost over. I want the coins and I won’t get them stuck here!

Yoshi: Hey, Yoshi can’t get up! Wario’s foot is on Yoshi’s hand! Get off it, Wario!

Wario: I can’t move!

Mario, Moron: Wario is stupid and Yoshi is an idiot. They both can’t get out of a closet! I think I’m a genius!

Wario: Mario, you’ve got to help us!

Mario: I’m-a coming!

Wario: Hurry up and get us out!

Mario slips when trying to pull Wario out. He falls underneath Yoshi, who had just gotten his stomach off
the ground.

Yoshi: Now Mario is stuck too!

An imbecile knocks on the door to tell the Mario Gang about the reward challenge, but since no one answers the door he calls Lemmy and tells him the Mario Gang won’t let him in.

Lemmy (on cell phone): Then just give the reward to Koopa Troop! The reward was only a bucket of popcorn.

Imbecile: Should I just give it to them?

Lemmy: First make them come for the challenge. If they come, then they get it right away.

Imbecile: Okay.

The imbecile leaves.

Wario: Hey, did you hear pounding on the door?

Yoshi: Yes, Yoshi hear it!

Mario: It was probably the challenge imbecile.

Wario: Let’s get out of here so we can find out what it was.

They squirm for an hour until they all fall over. Then they run into the hall screaming for the challenge imbecile.

Wario: We’re screaming like morons!

Yoshi: Yoshi know.

Mario, Moron: This is normal for me!

Larry: Hey, Susan!

Susan: Yes, my love?

Larry: Ugh. All I wanted to say is I AM VOTING YOU OFF!

Susan, Pain in the Neck: His false hate towards me doesn’t fool me. I see right through him.

Iggy: Hey, everybody! I have good news!

Roy and Bowser: What’s that?

Iggy: We just found food!

Roy: Wait a minute.

Bowser: Who’s we?

Iggy: Wendy, Ludwig, and I. It’s in this closet.

Roy and Bowser: Let’s go!

They rush to the closet.

Roy: Where’s the food?

Wendy: It’s in this box.

Roy: Let me have some.

Roy starts to choke.

Roy: This tastes like dog food!

Wendy, Beauty Queen: What a genius. He discovers what it is after he eats half the treats in this box with
the huge words “Dog Food” on it.

Wendy: Hey, genius!

Ludwig: You mean me?

Wendy: No, I mean Roy. Didn’t you see that this is dog food?

Roy: I don’t care whether it is or not. Give me some more of that.

Wendy: Here you go- wait a minute. The box is empty. Who could have- Morton!

Morton: What do you want?

Wendy: You ate our food, right?

Morton: No, I didn’t.

Wendy: You’re lying.

Morton, Philosopher: For her to be true would be for me to be false, and for her to be false would be for me to be true. Of course, if she was false about being true, then I would be true about being false, and if she was true about-

Stupid Cameraman: We don’t have enough tape for your stupid reasoning. It’s backwards and forwards at the same time!

Morton, Philosopher: You are confusing, confounding, puzzling, boggling-

Stupid Cameraman: Shut up!

Morton, Philosopher: Not only do I not feel like it and I do not want to feel like it, I will not and I will not even imagine stopping.

SNIP! The screen goes black.

Commercial: For all you losers watching our dumb show, there will be a ten-minute intermission until we can
get the other film on.

Ten minutes later...

Lemmy: And the winner of the first Koopa/Mario Survivor contest is...

The screen goes black again.

Commercial: For all of you losers who are so stupid you are still watching our extremely dumb show, please
stand by. We’ll be ready in an hour.

An hour later, the show comes back on.

Ludwig, Genius: That can’t be that bad.

Ludwig: Is that dog food really that bad?

Wendy: Try it yourself.

Ludwig: Wait a minute. What about that reward challenge?

Wendy: You’re right. It should be starting soon.

Roy: Hey, everyone, our reward challenge will be starting soon!

Iggy: You imbecile. We have to wait for that-

An imbecile knocks at the door.

Larry: I’ll get it! Hey, who are you?

Imbecile: I’m the reward challenge imbecile! Want to have some fun?

Iggy: Yeah. Let’s go.

The eight Koopa Troop members arrive at the reward challenge, which is a large checkerboard filled with
Goombas.

Lemmy: Welcome to our reward challenge! Since it’s only you eight, I’ll give you the reward right away.

Wario: Wait! Wait!

Lemmy: Mario Gang! There you are!

Yoshi: We’re here for the reward challenge!

Lemmy: Well, then you’ll actually have to have a challenge. Pick three members, Koopa Troop.

Bowser: We pick Wendy, Ludwig, and Iggy.

Lemmy: Okay. Put on those Goomba’s Shoes.

Iggy: What do we do with them?

Lemmy: Koopa Troop crushes all Goombas with green ribbons, and Mario Gang crushes the red-ribbon
Goombas.

Ludwig: Who wins?

Lemmy: The team that crushes more Goombas in the time limit. You have twenty seconds.

Wendy: Twenty seconds? For all those Goombas?

Lemmy: Yes. Losers ready, go!

Mario jumps off the checkerboard and starts trying to jump on the Koopa Troop members who aren’t playing.

Bowser: What an imbecile! Get away from me!

Mario: Wahoo!

Wario and Yoshi crush twenty Goombas. Wendy, Ludwig, and Iggy have twenty-five crushed when time runs out.

Lemmy: The reward goes to Koop- wait a minute! Mario just jumped on Bowser and Roy! That’s a big bonus!
I’ll give Mario Gang a three-point bonus for each one. Mario Gang wins 26 to 25!

Susan, Pain in the Neck: This game is fixed!

Larry, Spy: Mario is a cheater. No questions asked.

Bowser, Tyrant: Stupid rigged contest.

Roy, Heavyweight Contender: That hurts!

Morton: Let’s go back, everyone, to our place of boredom, monotony, sadness, depression, pain, and
sorrow.

Wendy: It’s not fair!

Koopa Troop leaves.

Lemmy: Congratulations, Mario Gang! One of your members gets this bucket of popcorn.

Mario: Who gets it?

Lemmy: Let’s see. Mario is too stupid, and Wario needs a diet. That means Yoshi gets it!

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Yoshi eats the popcorn and the bucket.

Lemmy: You can go back to your dumb room now.

Mario Gang leaves.

Wario, Strategist: What a waste! What a waste! We do all that and Yoshi gets it all. Oh well, maybe I’ll be able to fit in that closet this time.

Mario: Wheeeeeeeee! I’m rolling down a hill!

Yoshi, Food Analyst: Mario is standing on one hand and balancing all his weight on a chair. Mario will fall
over soon.

Mario: Wahoo! Fun, fun, fun!

Wario: Mario, you’re a loser, and that’s an understatement!

Mario: I am having fun rolling down a hill.

Wario: That isn’t a hill. What a moron you are!

Mario: Gee, thanks!

Wario: Don’t mention- never mind.

Yoshi: Yoshi want Wario to get him food!

Wario: Well, Wario no want to get Yoshi food!

Yoshi: Yoshi want food now!

Wario: Wario no get no food for Yoshi!

Yoshi: Wario no good at anything.

Wario: Yoshi no good at eating.

Yoshi: Wario disgusting.

Wario: Don’t Yoshi wave Yoshi’s tail in Wario’s face.

Yoshi: Yoshi always wave Yoshi’s tail in Wario’s face.

Mario, Moron: Mario thinks Mario’s seen stupid thing before. Why is Mario talking the way Yoshi talks?

Wario: That’s it, Yoshi. I tried speaking your language, but you want to split our alliance, so our alliance is through! I’m voting for whoever I want!

Yoshi, Food Analyst: Yoshi no vote for who Wario want. Yoshi vote for who Yoshi want!

Wario, Strategist: I wonder if Mario has any strategy. I don’t want to lose to him randomly picking people.

Mario: What now? What now?

Wario: What now, Mario?

Mario: I am now in Water Land, and you can’t do that!

Wario: Do what?

Mario: Warp to Water Land in one second!

Wario: You aren’t in Water Land, you complete idiot!

Mario: That’s right. I’m in Giant Land.

Wario, Strategist: I’m stuck with two absolute losers for today and tomorrow, but tomorrow I’m getting rid
of one of them when we try to blow the challenge again!

Yoshi: Some loser is at the door knocking and screaming.

Wario: Tell him to get a brain and come back later.

Yoshi: Hey, loser!

Loser: Wait! Wait! Before you tell me to get a brain and come back later, I must read you this poem about
tomorrow’s immunity challenge:

Tomorrow you will fight
Against much might
Of tanks and big boats
For the right to not vote!

There it is. Goodbye!

Yoshi: He said-

Wario: I know, I know. We’ll be fighting against tanks and battleships. I wonder what we’ll do to have to beat them.

Yoshi: Yoshi refuse to battle tanks and battleships!

Wario: Never fear. Lemmy wouldn’t put anything actually dangerous out there- I hope.

Mario: Splash! Swim! Blooper! Lava Lotus! Water Land is fun!

Yoshi and Wario together: What a loser!

Larry: Hey, Susan, I’m saying it again, this time in third-person. Larry is voting Susan off!

Susan: Susan loves Larry!

Larry, Spy: She won’t stop. She won’t stop. No!!!

Iggy, Paperweight: Yahoo! We just found more food!

Roy: Cookie crumbs, that’s all.

Ludwig: Let me have those.

Ludwig eats the crumbs.

Ludwig: Yuck! There must be poison in those crumbs!

Wendy: Surprise, surprise! They were sitting in that ant trap filled with ant poison!

Ludwig runs into the corner of the room.

Wendy, Beauty Queen: At least Ludwig doesn’t show everyone how much he is sick. Others, like Roy, have a
fit in front of a television audience.

Roy: I am sick of waiting for the poet.

Wendy: You’re still waiting, Roy? Let me join you.

Iggy: No. Oh no. Not this again. I’m not that desperate to waste time.

Wendy: Then what will you do while we wait?

Iggy: I’ll look for more cookie crumbs.

(On the screen) The following scenes are too boring for most people’s tastes. If you have a life, you may
not want to waste your time watching this dumb show.

Roy: Look at all those cracks in the ceiling.

Wendy: Look at that nice carpet pattern.

Iggy: I just found two microscopic cookie crumbs.

Bowser: It looks like the wallpaper is starting to peel.

Ludwig: This corner of the room is more exciting than that one!

Larry: That door is brown.

Susan: Did you notice that small black spot on the wall?

Morton: Must... have... more... excitement... enjoyment... thrills... or... I... will... turn... into... an... absolute... loser...

Everyone Else: You already are one!

Commercial: Stay tuned to see our next new show: Dumbest Link, with our extremely stupid, moronic host,
Link!

Back to the boring show.

Ludwig: Where is that loser?

Roy: Which one?

Ludwig: The loser who knocks-

The loser knocks on the door.

Ludwig: That’s him! That’s him!

Iggy: I’ll get it!

Loser: Hey, losers, what’s up?

Susan: What do you think?

Loser: Here’s my poem:

Roy and Wendy: THE POEM!

Loser: Here goes:

Tomorrow you will fight
Against much might
Of tanks and big boats
For the right to not vote!

Goodbye, morons!

Wendy: That’s it?! What a waste!

Roy: You’re telling me.

Bowser, Tyrant: Boredom. That is the name of this game.

Iggy: *sigh* You said it, Dad. This game is a complete waste of everyone’s time.

Ludwig: Is anyone out there watching this?

Mario: Yippee! Wahoo! Yes!

Wario: What now, little man?

Mario: Today is the day!

Wario: You mean the day we vote someone off?

Mario: No, it’s trash day!

Wario, Strategist: TRASH DAY? What a moron! What an imbecile! Trash day! He needs some brains, and Yoshi has none to give him!

Yoshi, Food Analyst: Yoshi heard that! Wario should be voted off, but Yoshi will vote on Yoshi’s own
strategy.

Mario, Moron: I’m the trash man!

Wario: Hey, Mario, trash loser, come over here!

Mario: What?

Wario: I think there’s some food in this cabinet. Help me open it.

Mario: It’s stuck. It won’t open.

Wario: I know that! Don’t do it yourself. Just pull at the same time I pull. Ready, set, go!

Mario pulls so hard the cabinet opens up and he flies across the room.

Wario: No food! What does Lemmy want to do to us? Hey, Yoshi, have you seen any food?

Yoshi (with jam on his lips): No, Yoshi no see no food.

Wario: I’m sure. Where’s Mario?

Yoshi: Mario over there.

Wario: Hey, Mario, get up from lying on the job and help me find some food!

Mario: Okay, there is no food in the trash.

Wario: What a loser. I didn’t ask for trash. I asked for help!

Mario: Sorry! Here’s your trash.

Wario, Strategist: Mario’s got to go.

Yoshi: Time to go to stupid immunity challenge!

Wario, Strategist: And time to get rid of stupid Mario after we purposely lose the challenge!

Larry, Spy: I can’t take the boredom anymore! I can’t take Susan anymore, either, so I’ll vote her off tonight.

Susan, Pain in the Neck: There is no way Larry can hide his love for me anymore.

Larry, Spy: Arrrrrrgh!

Wendy: This is boring, stupid, and hungry!

Iggy: Hungry? You mean we’re hungry!

Wendy: That’s what I meant, and you would understand if you didn’t eat rat poison cheese, old dog food, and
stale cookie crumbs sitting in ant poison! But you are dumb enough to eat that junk, and you’ll probably end
up the best of any of us!

Iggy, Paperweight: I will win this competition because I’m between the strongest and the smartest. I’m not
strong and not the smartest, so they won’t think to get rid of me until it’s too late! I’m going to win! Ha ha!

Roy, Heavyweight Contender: This dumb competition won’t end for 24 more days, and by then, we’ll all be
really boring Koopas. Not to mention some of us were boring in the first place...

Morton, Philosopher: My opinion, my belief, my view is that this stupid, dumb, moronic game that is so
boring, monotonous, and dreary will become worse and poorer as time goes on and on and on and on...

Bowser: I have to have a meeting with all of you. Tonight’s challenge we are going to not even go to.

Roy: Why? That’s our fun.

Bowser: Every time we go, we win!

Roy: I want to win!

Bowser: But if we don’t go, what will Lemmy do to us?

Stupid Cameraman: He’ll say that you’re all voted off!

Bowser: Let’s go to the immunity challenge!

The eleven remaining losers arrive at the immunity challenge half-asleep. Bowser tosses the stupid,
pointless immunity piece of worthless, useless junk at Lemmy. Lemmy misses the catch and the stupid- well,
the immunity thing smashes to pieces.

Lemmy: There goes our stupid, pointless immunity piece of worthless, useless junk! Now we’ll have to buy a
new one!

Roy: Buy one?

Lemmy: We don’t make our own junk. We’re too lazy. Now, how have things gone?

Roy: Wonderful.

Lemmy: Well, time for our challenge. See those tanks and battleships? They will fire cannonballs and
Bob-ombs at you while you try to throw whatever enemy you see back at them. Koopa Troop will throw any
green enemy at the green tanks and battleships, while Mario Gang uses the red enemies to fire at the red
tanks and battleships. Five hits blows up a tank or a battleship. The team to destroy all their tanks and
battleships first wins! Five of your losers must sit out, Bowser.

Bowser: Then Larry, Morton, Wendy, Iggy and especially Roy will sit out. Ludwig, Susan, and I will battle.

Lemmy: Okay. Losers ready, go!

Bowser, Ludwig, and Susan start throwing red enemies at the red tanks and battleships. Mario, Wario and Yoshi throw the green enemies at the green tanks and battleships.

Lemmy: Hey, losers! Wrong way!

Susan: Actually, it’s the right way!

Roy gets off his seat and grabs Ludwig and pulls him back to where the other four Koopa Troop members are sitting. Then he grabs Susan and brings her back to the rest of Koopa Troop as well. Finally, he starts
punching Bowser to slow him down. With this extra time, Mario Gang is able to win the challenge for Koopa Troop.

Lemmy: Koopa Troop wins immunity!

All of Koopa Troop besides Roy: NOT AGAIN!

Lemmy: I’ll see you Mario Gang members at the good 'ol Mass Massacre tonight.

Koopa Troop: *sigh*

Larry: Next time I do get to vote, and I will vote for Susan!

Susan: He hides his love well.

Larry: Errrrrrrrrrrrr!

Roy: (singing) I’m a survivor...

Wendy: First of all, Roy, you can’t sing that song right, and second of all, you haven’t even won the game yet!

Roy: I don’t care.

Roy starts to sing again.

Wendy: Arrrrrrrgh!

Wario, Strategist: Strategy is the name of tonight’s game.

Yoshi, Food Analyst: Time for old alliances to go down!

Mario, Moron: Trash day is almost over!

The three losers wobble into the Mass Massacre trying to stay awake. Lemmy welcomes them warmly.

Lemmy: Hello, losers! How are you stinking it up this time?

Wario: Okay... *snore*

Lemmy: How are you doing, Yoshi?

Yoshi: What? ... *snore*

Lemmy: And what about you, Mario?

Mario: I am in complete sadness that trash day is almost over.

Lemmy: Since your team stinks, you’re back here every Mass Massacre. Why?

No answer.

Lemmy: Never mind. Go vote.

The three are asleep in their seats.

Lemmy: (shouting) VOTE, LOSERS!

Mario goes to vote.

Wario goes to vote.

Yoshi goes to vote.

Yoshi: Yoshi voting for Wario, because of fight.

Lemmy: I’ll *yawn)*go tally the votes.

Lemmy comes back three hours later.

Lemmy: Sorry I took that nap. Hey, wake up! Don’t you care that you could be voted off? Aw, forget it. I’ll tell the TV audience the votes. The first vote is for... Mario!

The camera focuses in on a sleeping Mario.

Lemmy: The second vote is for... Wario!

The camera focuses in on a snoring Wario.

Lemmy: And the third vote is for... Yoshi!

The camera focuses in on a fast-asleep Yoshi.

Lemmy: How about that, a three-way tie! How exciting! Let’s have our re-vote! Let’s go, losers! (shouting)
WAKE UP!

Mario goes to vote.

Wario goes to vote.

Yoshi goes to vote.

Yoshi: Yoshi voting for Mario, because Yoshi no remember who Yoshi voted for first time.

Lemmy: I’ll go tally the votes.

Lemmy comes back three hours later.

Lemmy: Sorry about that second nap. Now for the votes! The first vote is for... Mario!

The cameraman is asleep, so all that is seen is Lemmy reading the votes.

Lemmy: The second vote is for *yawn*... Wario! And the third and final vote is *yawn*, is *yawn*, is
*snore*...

Lemmy falls asleep.

Commercial: Watch tomorrow to see if Lemmy and Mario Gang can stay awake through Mass Massacre!

Lemmy: Wait! Wait! I’m up! The last vote is for... Yoshi! Another three-way tie! We’ll now go by votes in previous Mass Massacres. How many have you had, Wario?

Wario: *snore*

Lemmy: How many have you had, Yoshi?

Yoshi: *snore*

Lemmy: And what about you, Mario?

Mario: *snore* *snore*

Lemmy: As I thought. Mario has the most votes. It’s time for you to go, Mario. Mario! MARIO! I’ll just put him in the cannon. Mario, the mass has talked in its sleep.

Mario is blasted through the same Pizza Hut sign where Toad, Luigi, The King, Waluigi and Peach had once gone and into the lava for a steaming bath.

Lemmy: I’ll use the stick for Mario.

Lemmy knocks both Wario and Yoshi on the head.

Lemmy: Go back to your room, losers.

Wario and Yoshi look at each other and shrug their shoulders, then they leave.

Lemmy: Mario’s gone! Yes!

Mario, Moron: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Who voted for who?
Mario: Yoshi (1st time) (random vote) Wario (2nd time) (another random vote)
Wario: Mario (1st time) (Mario is annoying him) Yoshi (2nd time) (afraid Yoshi might backstab him)
Yoshi: Wario (1st time) (mad at Wario from before) Mario (2nd time) (couldn’t remember who he voted for first time)

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