This is a PARODY of the guidelines. So the links don’t work.
 

All right tourists, listen up! Someone stole my wedding cake, and I’ll push anyone guilty and anyone who could possibly be guilty even if they’re not, into P.T. Piranha’s hillbilly pit! Meanwhile, I’ll tell you how to make submissions! Good ones!

1. Long and Boring: Some things you should know… or else.

1A: The rules are always changing: To make a long story, just add a lot of pointless comments… if you’re living in 5 years ago! Now the rule to making a long and boring story is to tape down a random key on the keyboard all night. Yep! Or you could do like me and talk about wedding cake, or use lots of synonyms. But you’d better do that now, as the rule will change in 3, 2, 1- Ha! Now… Let’s just move on.

1B: The Purple With Pink Polka-Dots Rule: Treat others the way their noses want to be treated.

2. Submission Requirements: The following must be done if you want Lemmy to even think about considering that there may be some possibility that he might maybe post it.

2A: Mario Content: There is too much Mario content, so from now on the stories will be about 300. Now if you excuse me, I’ve been invited by the Koopatrols to dine in the Underwhere with them. Hope there’s wedding cake.

Lemmy LOVES the idea of made up characters. In fact, he’s even considering making all the submissions require no real characters at all! Lemmy’s Lines, HTML Guide, and Reviews are exceptions to the rule. MARIO IT UP WHEN YOU’RE THERE! But just Mario. No other characters. Except Chuck Norris.

2B: Family Friendliness: This is a big one. It’s changed the most over the years because Bowser is frequently on Lemmy’s computer, messing with it. So the changes are just adding more purple to the main page and every other page on the site. Oh, and I don’t care how family friendly the stories are, Lemmy’s too busy appreciating some of the stories…

Excessive Violence: He doesn’t care! Lemmy’s been itching for some action. So it gets a little out of hand and scars little kids for life! Big deal!

Swearing: Lemmy doesn’t care if the story has swears. Between you and me… He’s too dumb, and doesn’t know many words. So to him, the more the merrier.

Adult Themes: Lemmy doesn’t know what it means, so go ahead! Let loose your imagination!

2C: Original Work: Breaking this rule is the slowest way to get banned. It will take Lemmy exactly one hundred years, 9 months, 2 weeks, 5 days, 20 hours, 4 minutes, and 59 seconds to realize that the idea has been stolen. If you want to get banned BEFORE you get grandchildren, don’t plagiarize. Takes too long.

When Lemmy realizes this, he will ban you. No warning. No second chance. No explaining. Mostly because all your reasons, taking time to write warnings, and considering second chances is all to hard on his tiny brain.

2D: Size Sensitive: Doesn’t matter. Unless your story’s size is Husky, that is, because Lemmy will then make you feel bad.

2E: Time Seniative: If it takes too long for the story to run the hundred-meter dash, it’s gonna get deleted, and you will die.

2F: High Quality: If it’s gotten a 4/5 rating from THEFICTIONALREVIEWERGUYTHATIMADEUP, or higher, it’s okay for posting.

3. Specific Requirements: Some rules apply only to certain things. If any of these apply to you, rethink your life, and give me all your money while you’re at it.

3A: Fun Fiction Vs. Scribble: People care more about FF’s, so if it becomes a Scribble, don’t worry. It just means that I think it has terribly low quality, isn’t deserving of the honor of being a Fun Fiction, and should never see the light of day outside the Scribble section, and that events in Scribbles will never be mentioned in a FF writer’s Interview like their Fun Fics are!

3B: Interviews: Because Lemmy is being blackmailed, P.T. Piranha is now in charge of who can be interviewed. To make things interesting, there are now no restrictions at all for interviewing. Except no one can interview me, as I talk too much.

3C: Larry’s Bios: You cannot write bios. There’s no reason why, you just can’t. Not even Lemmy can. Only Chuck Norris may. And he’s too good for the Internet.

3D: Mysteries and Queries: Three-dimensional! Anyway, Shh! There’s been some foul play, illegal gambling and whatnot, so I’ll pay you not to rat us out to solve the mystery. But don’t run away. They’ll get suspicious.

3E: Reviews: You may only review something a dinosaur has written. So that means no Reviews, ever.

3F: Incomplete Submissions: If it’s complete, I’ll sic Roy on you, so get up off your lazy butts and finish your story!

4. Submission Odds and Ends: If it hasn’t been said before, then that means I get free wedding cake!

4A: Accepted Filetypes: Whubba?

4B: Revisions: If you have to rewrite part of your submission, then that means you’re going to have to suffer one revenge/tattle-free beating from Roy where you’re not allowed to fight back or dodge. Don’t expect to live, though. Play it safe and do it right the first time. But then I can’t watch the humorous fights. Life’s so hard on me.

4C: Removing Submissions: At night, Iggy sneaks onto the computer and deletes submissions. Only he and I know what I’m about to tell you: the first letters of all the submissions he deleted spell out a secret message that Lemmy must read or else. Too bad he doesn’t even know they’re deleted! : )

IF you made it to this paragraph then… good for you. What do you want, a cookie?

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