Lemmy’s Lines

Graphic by Latisha Banks

This area of my Land is dedicated to funny jokes and riddles, which have shaped my personality. If you know any good jokes or riddles, Email me!


From Pyro Guy

Two Koopas are talking in a bowling rink. The first says that he once got a 301. The second says that that is impossible. How did the first Koopa do it?

Answer: It is hard to get a 300 and lose. So he got a 300 and won.

Go to page 2.
Go to page 3.
Go to page 4.
Go to page 5.
Go to page 6.
Go to a parody of my main page.
Go to a parody of Wendy's Phonebooth.
Go to a parody of Lemmy's List of Baddies.
Go to a parody of Bowser's Item Chest.
Lemmy's Tourist Traps, by Wendy.
Morton's Basics: Important Terms, by Wendy.
Lame-o Lemmy's Land, by Wendy.
Submission Guidelines, by Wendy.
Wendy's Stupid Phonebooth of Stupid Questions, by Amber Koopa.
(Not Very) Important Terms, by P.T. Piranha.
List of Boogers, I mean Baddies, by P.T. Piranha.
Submission Gidelinz, by P.T. Piranha.
Lemmy’s Imbecile Attractions, by Toadette.
The Unnecessary Submission Guidelines, by Toadette.

Three race horses were bragging about their race averages. "I won 5 out of 20 races!" said the first horse. "Oh yeah? I won 15 out of my 30!" said the second. "Hah! I won 50 out of 60!" said the third. Hiding behind a hay bail, a greyhound was listening in on the conversation. He steps into view and says, "Well I won 99 out of 100 of my races" The third horse looks at the second horse and says "WOW!!! A talking dog!"

An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display. Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display." Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?!? "No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it on weekends."

10-year old Johnny went up to the preacher after church and said, "Preacher Jones, when I grow up I am going to get a job and give you all my money". Preacher Jones replied "That is very nice of you to say, Johnny, but why would you want to do something like that?" Johnny replied "Because my dad said that you are the poorest preacher he has ever seen!"

A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet. He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.

John is suspicious that his wife is cheating. He comes home to check unannounced. His wife is in her bathrobe. He searches the house, but nobody there. He looks out the window and sees the neighbor running down the street tucking in his shirt he says to himself there that %$# is. He opens the window of their 4th floor apartment grabs the refrigerator and makes a beautiful shot kills the guy dead. Well the judge finds him guilty of premeditated murder and gives the chair.. So now he is at the pearly gates with three other gentleman. St. Pete asks the first guy what happened to him, the guy says to Peter. I was late for work, I remember running down the street tucking in my shirt trying to catch the bus to work. And from nowhere this refrigerator falls from the sky and kills me dead.. Well peter says what a sad tale OK come on in .. He looks at the second guy now how did you become to be on my steps. The guy stammers sheepishly and says "out of pure jealousy I suspected my wife was cheating, I crazily searched the apt. then out of the window down on the street 4 floors I saw this guy running away tucking in his shirt I knew it was him. So out of rage I grabbed the fridge and threw it at the guy killing the man. But Peter I am forever sorry." Peter says OK we forgive you come on in.. Peter looks to third guy and asks him what happened to him that he was to be on the steps of the gates of heaven.. The guy says well Peter here I am minding my own business sitting inside this refrigerator.....

Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it.""Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles." "What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked an sarcastic member of the group. "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you still hear me nowwwwwwww?'"

An engineer, an economist and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position in a prestigious business firm. A whole series of difficult questions were asked of them, but one wiry old director decided he would ask each one, "How much is 2 and 2?"The engineer who was interviewed first excused himself and did some measurements and calculations and returned to the room and announced: "four" The economist who was next, dashed to the library grabbed some great tomes, consulted a few agencies and a task force and returned with the answer: "four" When they got to the lawyer, he drew the blinds, made certain no one was at the door, checked the telephone for bugs and in a conspiratorial tone asked: "How much do you want it to be?"

I'm a locksmith and get called out for all types of emergencies. JUST THIS MORNING I received a call from a young lady telling me she had locked her keys in her truck. She was very frantic, as she had to get to work. I told her the cost, found out where she was, and I was on my way. Since she told me she thought the keys were in the truck (but couldn't remember for sure where she had put them,) I began working on opening the PASSENGER door of her truck. As I was maneuvering my tool to unlock the door, I looked across at the DRIVER door and noticed... it was unlocked. Without a word, I walked around and opened the door for her. "Thank you!" she said. "I didn't even know you could unlock the driver's door from the passenger side."

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."!

An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".

Q. Why was the airhead staring at the orange juice container?? A. Because the carton said "CONCENTRATE" on it.

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!" Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!" This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country--that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!" And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTISED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, were never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss, what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... heck, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!"

From a jokes webring

"I am in shape! Round is a shape!"

From "Garfield and Friends"

A member of the Democratic party, recently deceased, approached the Pearly Gates. After exchanging pleasantries with St. Peter, he is led into the receiving area and handed a clock which is not running. Confused, and noticing the countless other clocks on the walls, the man asked Peter what they meant. "There is one clock for each living person, and they represent the amount of time each person had left to live on earth. Since you're obviously here now, yours has stopped." "Well, why is it that some clocks are running faster than others?" Peter explained, "when someone tells a lie, the hands will move faster, thus shortening the lifespan of that person." Curious, the deceased asked where Bill Clinton's clock was located. "Oh," St. Peter said, "I keep that one in my office -- it makes a great ceiling fan!"

A woman appealed to the state Governor about getting her husband out of the penitentiary. "What is he in for?" asked the Governor. "For stealing a ham," she replied. "That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?" "No, I wouldn't say that. He's pretty lazy." "Oh... well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he?" "No, he's not. Truth be told, he's pretty mean to us." "Why would you want a man like that out of prison?!?" The governor asked in disbelief. "Well, Governor, we've been out of ham quite a spell..."

A rabbit does his shopping every morning. One day he goes into a butchers shop. '' 'Scuse me, have you got any lettuce'' he says. '' No'', says the butcher '' I sell meat not lettuce''. '' Ok '' says the rabbit and he goes.This happens every day for a week and the butcher gets really annoyed with the rabbit. ''Look'', he says ''if you come in here and ask me for meat once more I'll nail your big ears to the floor, ok?'' ''Fine'' says the rabbit and he leaves.The next day, the rabbit goes to the butchers shop again. The butcher sees him and starts to tell him to leave when the rabbit says '' Excuse me, have you got any nails''.''No'' says the butcher. ''Oh, in that case have you got any lettuce!!

A lawyer charged a man $500 for given legal services. The client paid him in cash with five crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer was smelling the money when he discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100! This posed an ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Was he obligated to share the extra $100 with his partner?

A man went to his local neighborhood butcher one afternoon to purchase some meat. As he was standing in line, a dog entered the shop. The dog had a small purse attached to its collar. The man decided to see what the dog was up to, so he waited after his purchase was complete. When it was the dogs turn, he stepped up to the meat counter and the butcher said "What can I get for you today?" The dog tapped the glass in front of the ground beef. The butcher asked "How much would you like?" The dog barked twice. Upon this the butcher measured out two kilos of ground beef and wrapped it up. Following this the butcher asked "Is there anything else? The dog then moved over and tapped the glass in front of the pork chops. Again the butcher asked, "How much would you like?" The dog barked 6 times, and the butcher selected six fat chops and placed them into a bag. The butcher then asked again if the dog would like anything more, however the dog walked over to the cash desk. The attendant at the cash desk totaled the sale, removed the purse from the dogs collar, took the required amount due and returned the exact change. The dog then took his purchase in a bag, carried it in his mouth and proceeded to exit the store. The original customer was so amazed by the transaction that he decided to follow the dog to see where it was going. He followed it for approximately three city blocks, whereupon the dog approached a lovely townhouse, scratched at the door and was allowed to enter. The man was overcome by this extraordinary behavior and decided to call at the house. He proceeded to the door and knocked. The man who had let the dog in, answered the door. The curious onlooker begged his forgiveness for the intrusion, but asked after the dog. "I'm so sorry to intrude, but that is the most amazing and intelligent dog I have ever seen!!! The dog's owner responded " Well, he isn't all that amazing, this is the second time this week he forget his keys!!

A squad car cop was passing through a town in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant from his district covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it? "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was *I( to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" Mike shrugged. "Com'on! Everybody knows you should never book a judge by his cover!"

A manager and two coworkers were taking their morning walk around their office complex when one of the workers came across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. "I can only grant three wishes so you each may have one wish," said the genie. The first worker said, "I want to be laying on a tropical beach surrounded by beautiful women!" "Your wish is granted" said the genie, and the worker disappeared. The next worker said, "I want to be on brand new Harley Davidson motorcycle cruising down a country road." "Your wish is granted," said the genie, and he disappeared. "And what is you wish?" the genie asked the last man. The manager thought for awhile and said, "I want those two guys back at work after lunch."

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress." "Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

Client: "Do you think justice will prevail?" Lawyer: "It's possible, but if so, we can always appeal!"

This guy decides to go ice fishing one day, he gets up at 2am to have an early start. When he arrives he gets out his saw and begins carving away at the ice when all of a sudden he hears an echoing voice,
"There are no fish under the ice there." The dude freaks out looks around but sees no one. So he waits a few minutes then decides there is no one around and keeps carving. A few minutes later the voice comes back, "There are no fish under the ice there!" "Wow!", thinks the dude to himself, "Wow, God is giving me guidance." So he once again starts to carve away at another part of the ice. He hears the bellowing voice, "Sir this is the rink manager, and there are no fish under the ice anywhere."

A blind man went into a department store one day and took his dog by the tail and started to swing him around in a circle. One of the clerks rushed up to him and asked, "Can I help you sir?" The man answered him saying, "Oh, no thank you...I'm just taking a look around."

A man woke up one morning, looked out the window, and saw a huge gorilla in the tree in his back yard. Feeling very nervous, he grabbed the phone book and looked up gorilla exterminators in the Yellow Pages. He called the exterminator, who said he would be right out. The exterminator arrived in a van, hopped out, and opened the door. He took out a large net, a shotgun, and a fierce-looking dog. "OK", he said, "this is how it works: I climb the tree and shake it and the gorilla falls to the ground. The dog runs over and bites him in a vital spot. While he's disabled, you throw the net over him. I'll come down and we'll tie him up." As the exterminator started up the tree, the man called, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The exterminator said, "Sometimes when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes it back and *I* fall out of the tree. If that happens, you shoot the dog."

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence
requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
earlier. If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters… They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Sony made toasters... Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the
same time. If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If K-Tel sold toasters... They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives. If the PQ made toasters...
They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the appliances.

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?" The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like thisin my life, I don`t know what it is!" While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped
out. The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

A husband and wife are driving and they get pulled over by a policeman. The policeman gets to the car and asks for the man's license. The man replies,"Why do you need my license? What did I do wrong?"
The policeman answers,"You were travelling 45 mph in a 30 mph zone." "Come on, officer," the man replies,"You know I was only going 35." "No you weren't!" quips the wife, "I told you were speeding! I told
you not to go fast. I knew you`d get a ticket!" "Shut Up!" grunts the husband. The policeman continues,"I`m also am charging you for going through a red light." "Officer," the man explains, "you know as well as I, that light was yellow - not red." The wife pipes in, "No, it was most definitely red - I told you it was
red - I told you." At this point the husband is infuriated. He yells at his wife, "SHUT UP!" The policeman exclaims, "Hey! stop yelling at your wife!" He then turns to the wife and asks, "Does he always talk to you this way?" She calmly replies, "No, only when he’s been drinking."

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor
told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better." "Really?!?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it; my maid said hot water."

"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps
out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he
hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff
out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I’ll take the back."

From a jokes web ring

An elderly couple, getting on in years and losing their memory, decide to take a memory course. They take the course and the husband is thrilled -- he feels it has changed his life. He and his wife meet their friend Bill on the street and the husband says to him, "Bill, you just have to take this incredible memory course my wife and I just attended, it's fantastic! You won't believe the improvement." Bill says, "Wow, great, what's the name of the course?" The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What's the name of that flower? You know the one with the long stem and the thorns?" "You mean a rose?" his wife replies. "Yeah, that's it!" (pause) "Rose, what was the name of that memory course?" "Your right, I don’t believe the improvement," said Bill as he nodded in pure amazement.

From a jokes web ring and edited by me

Why did the Koopa Troopa cross the road? To Show The Goomba It Could Be Done

Why was Lemmy called Lemmy? Because Bowser Named Him That

What does beef jerky have to do with Roy Koopa? Absolutely nothing

By Justin Sandlin (jagger)

The most dangerous Email virus yet!

If you receive an email with the subject line "Badtimes," delete it IMMEDIATELY, WITHOUT READING IT. This is the most dangerous email virus yet. Not only will it completely rewrite your hard drive, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It also demagnetizes the strips on all your credit cards, reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. This virus will mix antifreeze in your fish tank. It will drink all your soda and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio reception so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. When executed, "Badtimes" will also give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. It will give you Dutch Elm disease and brown patch. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

By unknown

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