Lemmy’s Lines

Lemmy’s Lines

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Luigi.
Luigi who?
Story of my life...

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first says, "Wow, it sure is getting hot in here."

The second muffin replies, "AHHH!!! A talking muffin!"

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Neufie (Newfoundlander) were going hunting. The Frenchman went into the woods and came back with a large bear. The others asked him how he got the bear, and he replied, "I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get big bear."

Then it was the Englishman's turn. He went into the woods, and came back some time later with a large moose. The Neufie asked him how he got it, and the Englishman replied, "It was easy! I find tracks, I follow tracks, I catch a moose."

Finally it was the Neufie's turn. He went into the woods, and didn't come out. Several days passed, and the Englishman and Frenchman finally found him in the hospital, in a full-body cast. They asked him what happened, to which he replied, "I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit by train."

From Fwipp Deathspeeder

Q. What do you call a hang glider that doesn't work?
A. A 500-foot drop off a cliff.

From Fwipp Deathspeeder

Q. What do you get when you walk into Lemmy's Polls?
A. A concussion!

From Denny W. Koopa

Q. Why do all of the organs hate the heart?
A. Because it always BEATS them up!

From hyperguy152

Son Goomba: Dad, why do Yoshis lay eggs?

Father Goomba: If they drop them, they'd break.

From Z-Kidd 500

What do you call the aftermath of one of Wendy's tantrums?
Death.

From Z-Kidd 500

What do you call the event that will happen when you can make Roy cry?
Armageddon.

From Z-Kidd 500

What do you call yourself when Morton enters the room you are currently in?
Suicidal.

From Z-Kidd 500

What do you call it when Lemmy dies and can't run Lemmy's Land any longer?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*gasp*AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

From Denny W. Koopa

If you enter Algebra class and the teacher is asking for questions about the homework, what is one question you do not want to ask?

What are the answers?

From Dry Bones

Q. What do you call it when everyone acts like Mario?

A. Doomsday.

From Tiff

Mario, Luigi, and Toad were thrown into Bowser's dungeon one day, and every day after they were thrown in, they tried to think of a way to get out. One day, they smashed down the wall and exited Bowser's Castle. After a while, they came to a valley, where there were three sacks. "Hey," said Toad. "We can hide in these!"

"Good idea," said Luigi.

So the three hid in the sacks. At about that time, three Koopatrols that were walking by noticed the hole in the wall and followed Mario, Luigi, and Toad's footprints to the valley.

"Hey, what's in those sacks?" asked the first Koopatrol.

"You got me," said the second.

"Well, let's find out," said the third.

The first Koopatrol went up to the first bag and kicked it. Toad, who was inside, went, "Meow!"

The second Koopatrol walked up to the second sack and kicked it. Luigi, who was inside the sack, went, "Woof! Woof!"

The third one went up to the third sack and kicked it, and, after a moment's pause, it went, "Pootaatooes!"

From Trollish Beastfighter

Peach is going on a road trip, when she accidently drives her car into a ditch. She sees Mario getting a really big blue Yoshi to pull a bunch of crops nearby. She says, "Mario, I need help. My car got stuck in a ditch."

Mario interrupts, "Don't worry, because big ol' Boshi can certainly get that car out easily!"

Mario hitches Boshi to the car and calls out, "Go, Pink, go!" but Boshi doesn't move. He calls out, "Go, Foshi go!" and still nothing happens. Mario yells again, "Go, Croshi, go!" No movement yet.

Finally, Mario says, "Go, Boshi, go!" and the gigantic Yoshi effortlessly heaves the car back onto the road. Peach, baffled and impressed, says, "Thanks, but why did you call out Boshi's name wrong three times?"

"Oh, Boshi's blind," Mario replies. "If he thought he was the only one working, he wouldn't even try!"

From Trollish Beastfighter

Q. What do you get when Popple goes surfing?

A. A crime wave.

From Fwipp Deathspeeder

Why is eggnog only drunk around Christmas time?
Because it can buy its liquor half price then!

From Denny W. Koopa

One day, Bowser and the Koopalings went to the Outback. Wendy ordered the Mahi Mahi fish meal and Bowser asked, "Are you sure you can eat BOTH Mahis?

From Denny W. Koopa

One day, Bowser went to the Chain Chomp Steak Palace. Roy ordered a steakburger and the waitor asked, "How do you like your steak, sir?"

Roy answered, "I don't know- You haven't given it to me yet!

From Denny W. Koopa

Q: What country has the largest ill population?
A: GERMany

From Ham

What do you get when you have DK and Mario in the plumber business?

A monkeywrench.

From Ham

What goes "Ha, Ha, Ha plop"?

Someone laughing their head off.

From Ham

What happened to the wooden car?

It wooden go.

From Ham

What's a room that no one can enter?

A Mushroom.

From Pichu

Q: What does Gooper Blooper say when he doesn't believe someone?
A: Are you pulling my tentacle?

From moe@mckinneys.fsnet.co.uk

Q: What do you get if you cross a purcupine with a shark?
A: As far away as possible!!!

From XS3

Three rednecks are working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce, and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "Ok, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly," Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Steve's widow."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

From SuperComputer276

THE LIGHT BULB SITUATION

Q: How many Dark Koopas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold it and the other to do a dizzy attack.

Q: How may Grubbas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change it, and one to drain both of them.

How many Duplighosts does it take to change into a light bulb?

Q: How many Shadow Sirens does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but if one messes up, she'll punish someone else for it.

Q: How many Watts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who needs light bulbs when we got her?

Q: How many Lord Crumps does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to see if it needs changing, and the other to tell an X-Naut to change it.

Q: How many Yoshis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yoshi no know what light bulb is.

Q: How many Ms. Mowzs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but chances are she'll steal it first.

Q: How many Bob-ombs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You wouldn't let them try. They would blow it anyway.

Q: How many Madame Flurries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold it, and one to blow on it.

Q: How many Dazzles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "I'll trade you my light bulbs for sweet, sweet Star Pieces!"

Q: How many dragons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but you’d better hope the dragon doesn't want a light snack.

Q: How many Marios does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in, and four to screw it up.

Q: How many Rawk Hawks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll rawk it first.

Q: How many Rawk Hawk fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to paint Rawk Hawk on it, one to screw it in, fifty to take pictures of it, and five thousand to follow it around until it burns out.

Q: How many Boos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they hate the light.

Q: How many Dooplisses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Why are you changing light bulbs during my ME time?"

Q: How many Cortezes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "I don't rent this ship out for changing light bulbs, muchacho!"

Q: How many Frankie Piantas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change it and one to call it pet names.

Q: What do you need to change a light bulb in Bowser's castle?
A: One Lemmy and twenty balls.

Q: How many Mortons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it, and the other to write a five-day speech about it.

From supercomputer276
DR. MARIO AND KOOPA LAWYERS

Goomba: Dr. Mario, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Dr. Mario: Come now, pull yourself together.

Nurse Peach: Dr. Mario, there's an invisible man in your waiting room.
Dr. Mario: Tell him I can't see him now.

Bowser: Dr. Mario, my fingers hurt. Should I file my claws?
Dr. Mario: No, just throw them away.

Koopa Troopa: Dr. Mario, am I going to die?
Dr. Mario: That's the last thing you're going to do.

Cleft: What's wrong? Why am I in the hospital?
Dr. Mario: From what I know, you were in a car accident.
Cleft: What happened?
Dr. Mario: Well, I have good news and bad news.
Cleft: What's the bad news?
Dr. Mario: We had to amputate both your legs.
Cleft: Oh, dear. What's the good news?
Dr. Mario: We found a guy who made a very good offer on your shoes.

Bob-omb: Dr. Mario, I'm feeling very unwell.
Dr. Mario: Well, I'm sure I could find the problem if you let me examine you...
(Dr. Mario examines the Bob-omb.)
Dr. Mario: Well, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Your fuse is about to light, and you don't have much time.
Bob-omb: How long do I have?
Dr. Mario: Ten.
Bob-omb: Ten? Ten what?
Dr. Mario: Nine.
Bob-omb: Months? Weeks? What?
Dr. Mario: Eight. Seven. Six...

Vivian: Dr. Mario, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I hurt all over. If I touch my stomach here, it hurts. If I touch my arm here, it hurts. If I touch my hair here, it hurts.
Dr. Mario: Hm... I think you've broken your finger.

King Boo: What's wrong, Dr. Mario? You seem puzzled.
Dr. Mario: Well, I just can't seem to figure out what's wrong with you. I think it might be the result of heavy drinking.
King Boo: Well, I'll just come back when you're sober.

Dr. Mario: Nurse Peach, what's the condition of the young Goomba that swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse Peach: No change yet.

Buzzy Beetle: Nurse Peach, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse Peach: Oh dear, have you seen Dr. Mario?
Buzzy Beetle: No, just spots.

Crazee Dayzee: Am I going to be all right, Dr. Mario?
Dr. Mario: Quite certainly. The operation is quite routine and not at all complicated.
Crazee Dayzee: Good. I hope you remember that when you're writing up the bill.

Random Toad: Dr. Mario, you've got to help me. Some mornings, when I wake up, I think I'm Donald Duck, and other mornings, I think I'm Mickey Mouse.
Dr. Mario: How long have you been having these Disney spells?

Q: Why does Dr. Mario wear a mask while operating?
A: So he can't be identified.

Beldam: Dr. Mario, I've been having a fever, a runny nose, and serious headaches.
Dr. Mario: Sounds like some sort of virus.
Beldam: Well, the whole office has it!
Dr. Mario: Maybe it's a staff infection.

Dr. Mario: Well, the silver plate that I had installed in your head is eroding.
Roy: Is it?
Dr. Mario: Hm-hm. I bet you've been having a lot of hollenday sauce recently, haven't you?
Roy: Yes, I have.
Dr. Mario: I thought so. See, hollenday sauce contians lemon juice in it and is very corosive. So I'm going to have to fashion you a new plate, but instead of silver, I'm gonna make it out of crome.
Roy: Why?
Dr. Mario: 'Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollendays.

Dr. Mario: I'm sorry, Mr. Larry, but I've checked the X-Rays and found that you only have half a year to live. So, I recommend marrying Susan and moving to the Mushroom Kingdom.
Larry: Will it cure me?
Dr. Mario: No, but'll make that half-year seem a LOT longer.

There's this Koopa lawyer that goes to Dr. Mario for surgery. As he's recovering consciousness afterwards, he notices the curtains are drawn.
Koopa Lawyer: Dr. Mario, why are the curtains drawn?
Dr. Mario: Well, there's this big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.

Koopa Lawyer: So, Dr. Mario, did you check the pulse of the deceased before you signed the death certificate?
Dr. Mario: No, I didn't.
Koopa lawyer: Did you listen for a heartbeat?
Dr. Mario: No.
Koopa lawyer: So when you signed the death certificate, you didn't take the proper steps to insure he was dead.
Dr. Mario: Let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.

Shy Guy: So, are you a lawyer?
Koopa: Yes.
Shy Guy: How much do you charge?
Koopa: 10,000 coins for four questions.
Shy Guy: Isn't that awfully expensive?
Koopa: Yes. What's your fourth question?

Q: Why don't sharks eat Koopa lawyers?
A: Professional curtesy.

Q: How many Koopa lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.

From Raceman21

Q. What's purple, screaming, and rolling around the floor?
A: A Koopa who's been smacked with a baseball bat at the forehead.

From Raceman21

Q. What's mechanical and beasty?
A: A Koopatroll!

From Raceman21

Lemmy: Raceman, why are you putting a quarter on a Goomba?
Raceman: To see if he can CHANGE into a Koopa.
Lemmy: That won't work, Raceman! It will just...
The Goomba morphs into a Koopa.
Raceman: What was that?
Lemmy: Nothing.

From Raceman21

Larry: Hey Ludwig, what is the brightest holiday in the year?
Ludwig: What?
Larry: Glowvember!
Ludwig: Hehe... Not funny!

From Raceman21

Lemmy: Hey Iggy, what do you call King Dad on the internet?
Iggy: What?
Lemmy: King BROWSER!

From Raceman21

Roy: Time for you to get a pounding, Iggy!
Iggy: Roys will be Roys.

From Koopa Girl

Iggy: Do you serve pizza today?
Lunch Lady: We serve anyone, Iggy!

From Z-Kidd 500

Two brawny dudes came to this lady's house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refridgerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, the lady asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

She really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the same two men. They asked her to move her car, which was blocking their van.

The lady told them her fee: $45.

From PyroBoo

Bowser: (talking to his Koopalings) There will come a time when we will seize the opportunity to take the Mushroom Kingdom by storm!

Lemmy: Yeah, we see you wave to that opportunity everytime it passes you!

From Koopa Girl

Lemmy: Did the movie have a happy ending?
Iggy: Yeah! Everyone was happy it was over!

Bowser: How's the weather outside, Son?
Larry: It's so foggy I can't tell!

From Wizardheimer

"I had a car accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault. He came out of nowhere!"

From Wizardheimer

Walking through the jungle, a hunter found a dead, ferocious-looking rhinoceros with a Pygmy standing proudly beside it. Amazed, the hunter asked, "Did you kill that rhino?"
"Why, yes," said the Pygmy.
"How could a little fella like you kill a beast like that?"
"I killed it with my club," explained the Pygmy.
The astonished hunter exclaimed, "Wow! How big is your club?"
The Pygmy replied, "There are about 90 of us."

From Wizardheimer

A man walked into a doctor's office. He had a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
"Doc, what's wrong with me?"
"That's easy," said the doctor. "You're not eating properly."

From Popple Koopa

Iggy: How's Larry's new job?

Lemmy: He has only been there for a week and he has 100 people under him.

Iggy: What does he do?

Lemmy: He is the gardener at the cemetary.

From Mario Koopa

Dr. Mario: Bowser, I have good news and bad news.
Bowser: What's the good news?
Dr. Mario: The good news is that I have a cure for your sickness.
Bowser: GREAT! What's the bad news?
Dr. Mario: I don't want to.

Dr. Mario is talking to Toad on the phone.
Dr. Mario: Toad, I have bad news and worse news.
Toad: What's the bad news?
Dr. Mario: The bad news is that you have 24 hours to live.
Toad: Oh my! How could the worse news be worse then that?
Dr. Mario: The worse news is that I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.

From P.T. Piranha

Mario walks up to Luigi, holding a spoon.

Luigi: What's that?

Mario: A tea spoon. One lump, or two?

Luigi: Two.

Mario smacks Luigi's face with the spoon, twice.

From Wizardheimer

A man awakes to find himself lying by the side of a desolate country road. As he regains his bearings, he discovers that he has no memory of who he is or how he came to be there. As he stumbles about unsure of himself, a genie appears beside him and says, "What is your third wish, Master?"

Confused, the man asks, "Who are you and why can't I remember anything?"

"I am your genie," the genie replies. "You are here because your second wish was to forget who you are and to be taken far away from everything you once knew. Now, my master, what is your third wish?"

"My third wish," answers the man, "is to remember everything about who I am."

The genie laughs.

"What's so funny?" asks the man.

The genie replies, "That was your first wish."

From Koopa Girl

One night, Mario and Luigi were camping in their backyard. Both couldn't fall asleep, and they wanted to know what time it was.

"Let's yell really loudly!" Mario said.

"How will that help?" Luigi asked.

"You'll see," said Mario.

So, they both made really loud noises. A few minutes later a voice yelled, "BE QUIET!!! IT'S 3:00 AM!!!"

From Koopa Girl

Lemmy: Will you remember me in an hour?
Iggy: Yes.
Lemmy: Will you remember me in a day?
Iggy: Yes.
Lemmy: Will you remember me in a week, a month, a year?
Iggy: Yes.
Lemmy: Knock knock.
Iggy: Who's there?
Lemmy: See? You forgot about me!

From Denny W. Koopa

One day, Roy was on the bus, going home from school. He was looking at his agenda, looking at his homework. For Science, he had to finish the model of an organ, a project assigned for a few days. He looked at the definition for the word, and worked on it for a long time. Seven minutes.

Anyways, Roy came to Science class the next day with a tissue box with the word "Organ" on it. The teacher asked, "What on Plit is that?"

Roy answered with a smile. "An organ, by definition- A group of tissues."

From Static-Z

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.

Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.

That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

From Static-Z

One day, a couple was on their way to the hospital where their 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about how the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation, he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

From Koopa Girl

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What's this, a joke?"

From Koopa Girl

A drunk walks into a bar, climbs atop a barstool, and screams, "All traveling salesmen are pushy jerks!"

A man stands up and yells, "I resent that remark!"

The drunk shouts back, "Why, are you a traveling salesman?"

"No," says the man, "I'm a pushy jerk!"

From P.T. Piranha

You ever notice how all the butlers in the world are named Jeeves? So if you have a child and name it Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his whole future. It's not like you'll find a hit man named Jeeves. "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to whack you."

From P.T. Piranha

What's the deal with when people recommend doctors and say to tell them that they sent you? What, will they say, "Oh, you know Bob! Then I'll give you the REAL medicine. I give everyone else Tic Tacs!"

From Gigabowser 11

Football Player: If I called you rude names, would you kick me out of the game?

Ref: Of course.

Football Player: But you can't kick me out for thinking them, can you?

Ref: Errr... No.

Football Player: Good, 'cause I think you're a #$%!^!$!

From P.T. Piranha

Why does Mario like cheese? It's the holy food!

From P.T. Piranha

A guy was speeding along the road, so the policeman had to catch up. Eventually, he said to the speeder, "I'm giving you a ticket for speeding!"

The speeder said, "Oh, like you're any better!"

From Metal Sonic

A boy is selling lemonade at a stand. He has two bowls of lemonade. One is 5 cents and the other is 10 cents. A man orders a cup of the five-cent lemonade. He smacks his lips and orders another. He then says, "Why are you selling such a delicious drink for five cents when you could be making ten cents a
glass?"

The boy then says, "Well, my cat fell in the five-cent bowl, so I decided to sell it before anyone finds out."

From Static-Z

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, "Does your dog have a license?"

"No," the man said. "He doesn't need one."

"Yes he does," answered the officer.

"But," said the driver, “I always do all the driving."

From Static-Z

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

From P.T. Piranha

2 men walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.

What his 2 wings, but can’t fly? A mansion!

What has 18 legs, and catches flies? A baseball team!

What happened when the frog’s car broke down? It was toad!

What do you get when you mix a dog and a tulip? A collie flower!

What do you serve a TV dinner on? A satellite dish!

What do baby Boos like to play? Peek-a-boo!

What spy stays in bed all day? An undercover agent!

What kind of lion doesn’t roar? A dandelion!

What’s the friendliest level of school? Hi-school!

How does a train hear? With its engineers!

What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? Flood lights!

What goes up and down and never moves? The temperature!

What goes all the way around a baseball field and never moves? The fence.

What’s celebrated once a year on the anthill? Their antiversary!

From Koopa Girl

A man was shopping at the local supermarket and was at the cashier. As he was unloading his items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind him watched as he placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

He was a bit startled by this statement, but intrigued, since he was indeed single. He looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about his selections that could have tipped off the drunk to the comment. Calmly, he said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

From The Spectre

A man doesn't know true happiness until he's married. And by then, it's too late.

From The Spectre

Jesus and the Devil were having a little dispute over who was better at using computers. God decided that the two should have a contest: Whomever could create the best websites, do the best artwork, and generally show more aptitude in two hours would be the winner.

About an hour and thirty minutes into the competition, a storm knocks the power out. After they regain power, Jesus and Satan restart their computers. The Devil finds that all of his work had been lost, while Jesus's had been fully restored.

"That's not fair!" said the Devil. "He must've cheated. How did all of His stuff stay intact, and not mine?"

From P.T. Piranha

Wario once won a marathon because someone dropped a penny at the finish line.

From P.T. Piranha

He who stands in front of car gets tired. He who stands behind car gets exhausted.

From Rhinox

Two soldiers (one being 37 years old and the other one being only 19 years old) were chatting one night at the army's campsite. The older one asks the young one, "What's your reason to be serving the army?"

The young soldier replies, "I'm single and I like war." Then he asks, "And you? Why are you here?"

The older soldier replies angrily, "I'm married and I like peace!!!"

From Koopa Girl

SOME POPULAR KITCHEN POSTERS
So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking... lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

From Zoshi

What is a fat boo?
Big Boo.

From Zoshi

What is Yoshi's favorite toy?
A Yo-Yo.

From Zoshi

Mario walks into Burger King.

Mario: Do-a you have-a spaghetti?

Cashier: No.

Mario leaves and comes back the next day.

Mario: Do-a you have-a spaghetti?

Cashier: No.

Mario does this for a long time.

Mario: Do-a y-

Cashier: FOR THE 683rd TIME, NO!!! SAY THAT AGAIN, AND I'LL HAMMER YOU TO THE FLOOR!!!

Mario leaves and comes back the next day.

Mario: Do-a you have a hammer?

Cashier: No.

Mario: Do-a you have-a spaghetti?

From Koopa 13

Lessons in Logic:

Hard work never killed anybody.
But why take the risk?

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So... why learn?

I was born intelligent -
Education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect.
But nobody's perfect
So why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

Your future depends on your dreams.
So go to sleep.

Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard and Visa.

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear
them speak.

From Koopa 13

Hotel Translations:

Old world charm ........................... No bath
Tropical .................................. Rainy
Majestic setting .......................... A long way from town
Secluded hideaway ......................... Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ...................... Already occupied
Explore on your own ....................... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .................. They've flown in an airplane
before
No extra fees ............................. No extras
Nominal fee ............................... Outrageous charge
Deluxe .................................... Standard
Cozy ...................................... Small
Plush ..................................... Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes ............................ Occasional gale-force winds
Light and airy ............................ No air conditioning
Open bar .................................. Free ice cubes

From Koopa 13

Interpreting the Doctor's Language:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
First I have to check my insurance.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like heck.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty-looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit through their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
I can't remember your name, nor why you are here.

"This should fix you up."
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.

"Everything seems to be normal."
I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

From Super Troopa

Mario walks up to a Toad with a DS.

Mario: Hey, nice DS. How much can I buy it for?

Toad: It's not for sale.

Mario: 3 coins.

Toad: What?! That's way too cheap!

Mario: 5 coins?

Toad: So is that!

Mario: Fine, I'll give you my whole wallet, I have 999 coins!

Toad: WOAH! It's a deal!

Mario takes the DS, and gives the Toad his wallet.

Toad: Hey, this wallet's empty!

Mario: You said the wallet!

Mario walks away holding the money and the DS.

From Master Larry

What has eighteen legs and catches flies?

A baseball team!

From Plokman

What Yoshi Says When he Eats:
Yoshi eats a Goomba: Ehh, I've had better.
Yoshi eats a Spiny: Ow! These are sharp!
Yoshi eats a Gusty: Woah! That almost came back up!
Yoshi eats a Flurrie: Ahhh! Brain freeze!
Yoshi eats a Fire flower: Ahhhhhhh!!! My mouth's on fire!!! it burns!!!

From P.T. Piranha

Why did this person marry the millionaire, the magician, the funeral planner, and the Grim Reaper?

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

From Woshi

Who can jump higher than the Rainbow Tower?

Anybody! Towers don't jump!

From P.T. Piranha

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
First, the light bulb has to want to change.

From P.T. Piranha

What school did Sherlock Holmes to go, to become a detective?

Elementary!

From Koopa Girl

Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one of the victims turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."

From Cornpie

Luigi walks into Dr. Mario's office.
Luigi: Doctor, Doctor, I swallowed a camera!
Dr. Mario: Well let’s hope nothing develops.

A young boy walks into Dr. Mario's office
Boy: Doctor Doctor, I'm being attacked by Mushrooms!
Dr. Mario: Well it sounds like you're a really fun guy.

Peach walks into Dr. Mario's office
Peach: Doctor Doctor, I'm afraid of going camping!
Dr. Mario: Well it sounds like you're being too tense.

Wario walks into Dr. Mario's office.
Wario: Doctor Doctor, I have glue stuck in my ear!
Dr. Mario: Well that sounds like a pretty sticky situation.

From Super Troopa

Mario walks home and Luigi talks to him.

Luigi: Hey Mario. We have a dentist appointment tomorrow. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?

Mario: Just this morning.

Luigi: Oh really? That’s not bad.

Mario: No, just this morning. That’s the only time I ever brushed my teeth.

From Wolf Koopa

What do you get if you cross a hyena with a beef cube?

A laughing stock

From Wolf Koopa

Why did Morton Jr. throw his clock out the window?

Because he wanted to see time fly

From Wolf Koopa

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Wendy.

Wendy who?

Wendy last time you took a bath?

From Wolf Koopa

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Boo

Boo, who?

Don’t cry, the Easter bunnies will come back next year!

From Wolf Koopa

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but it takes twelve steps.

From Wolf Koopa

Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones.

From Wolf Koopa

Q: How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.

From Wolf Koopa

Two guys walk into a bar

It hurts!

From Nintenbro0

Mario is walking through the street with a Goomba under his arms. Suddenly a small man walks up and asks Mario where he got the Goomba. The little Goomba then says, "I won him at a carnival!"

From Nintenbro0

If there is a game about Mario sleeping, it will be called Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Snore!

From badyoyo

Wario: WALUIGI! I’M HOME!

Waluigi: Hey Wario, how was your trip to England?

Wario: Perfect! As soon as I got off the plane everyone wanted me.

Waluigi: Why would anyone want you?

Wario: Because I'm a thousand pounds.

*insert laugh track here*

Larry’s Joke Book, by Iggy Koopa.

JOKE 1:

Larry: Hey Ludwig!

Ludwig: Yes, my sibling?

Larry: What is Lemmy and Iggy’s favorite dance?

Ludwig: Hm… My mind cannot process the answer.

Larry: Hip Hop!

JOKE 2:

Larry: Knock-knock!

Morton: Who’s there? Who’s present? Who’s behind the door? Who’s-

Larry: Lemmy!

Morton: Lemmy who? Who Lemmy? What’s the answer that has to do with Lem-

Larry: Lemmy in! It’s cold out here!

JOKE 3:

Wendy: Knock-knock!

Larry: Who’s there?

Wendy: Water.

Larry: Water who?

Wendy: Water you doing?

Larry: I’m answering the door, that’s what!

JOKE 4:

Larry: Hey Iggy!

Iggy: Yeah?

Larry: What ant has the most water?

Iggy: Hm… I don’t know. Which ant has the most water?

Larry: A fire hydr-ant!

JOKE 5:

Larry: Knock-knock!

Roy: Who’s there?!

Larry: Achoo.

Roy: Achoo who?

Larry: Achoo going to let me in?

JOKE 6:

Larry: Knock-knock!

Lemmy: Who’s there?

Larry: Lemmy.

Lemmy: You can’t be Lemmy, I’m Lemmy!

Larry: O_O

Lemmy: (laughing) Looks like the joke’s on you, Larry!

Larry: (laughing) I guess so.

From Daniel

Why is Roy's brain pea-sized in the morning?
It swells overnight.

Larry stole an AM radio for Roy. Roy turns it off at noon.

How do you keep Roy busy for hours?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Ludwig shared some M&M's with Roy, who tried to alphabetize them.

For reasons unknown, Mario and Roy were fixing Luigi's roof. Roy threw out half the nails because the point was on the wrong end. Mario said "Don't-a throw those away-a! They're-a for the other side of-a the house-a!"

From Daniel

Bowser was playing poker with Geno and Wart. Bowser lost a troop of Shy Guys and a small glass of iced tea to Wart; while losing the Dry Dry Desert kingdom, a grouchy bovine minion, and another small glass of iced tea to Geno.

Wart was laughing at Bowser's defeat. Geno didn't have a chair, but did have a huge sum of betting money in front of him.

Bowser didn't have any paper to sign over what he owed, so he signed them over orally: " I pledge a legion to the frog in a mighty state of hysteria. And to the wee puppet that richly stands: one nation (very hot) and a fussy bull, with little tea and just ice for all.

From Daniel

Wart was laughing at Bowser's defeat. Geno didn't have a chair, but did have a huge sum of betting money in front of him.

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