From Emperor Koopatine
Q: Why don't blind people ever go sky-diving?
A: It scares the heck out of the dogs.
From Emperor Koopatine
Q: What does a Texas tornado and a Tennesee
divorce have in common?
A: At the end, someone ends up losing
a trailer.
From Larry's Clone
There were two guys, Joe and Dave. Now,
these two guys, they were into the construction business, but Joe wasn't
to bright. So, one day Joe was up on the 13th floor of a building was using
a circular saw, when his hand slipped and he cut his leg off! Now Dave,
he was smart, he put Joe's leg in a plastic bag full of ice and drove Joe
to the Hospital. The next day, Dave saw Joe running a marathon! "Man, Medical
Technology is amazing these days," Dave said to himself.
Now a week later, Joe was using a hatchet
to cut some lumber when his hand slipped and he cut his arm off. So Dave
put Joe's arm in a plastic bag full of ice and drove Joe to the hospital.
The next day Dave saw Joe pitching baseballs at 80mph. Dave was amazed
by the hospitals techniques.
Now the next Day, Joe was using the
welder on the 12th floor, when he cut his HEAD off. So Dave threw Joe's
head in a plastic bag full of ice and drove him to the hospital. The next
day, Dave wanted to see how Joe was doing, so he drove out to the hospital
and asked the nurse about Joe.
"I'm sorry, he died yesterday," the
nurse said.
"Oh, I'm sorry, what happened?" Joe
asked.
"Well, we could have saved him," the
nurse began, "but some Idiot threw his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
From Brawl Koopa
Ralph and Ed were arguing over something
they did.
Ralph: Whenever there is an emergancy,
we come to each other's aid. How about that time we were playing baseball
and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who got a cab and drove you to
the hospital? I did! Who came up and saw you everyday? I did! Who brought
you candy? I did!
Ed: Who hit me on the head with a bat?
You did!
From Brawl Koopa
Ludwig: You would have to be the kind
of Koopa that would pick up a pocket book on April Fools Day. I wouldn't.
Lemmy: You couldn't.
From Brawl Koopa
Gourmet Guy: 2,000 coins! Thats BIG
BIG BIG! This has to be the biggest thing I have gotten into.
Shy Guy: The biggest thing you ever
gotten into are your pants.
From Brawl Koopa
Ludwig: I want nothing to do with it.
If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side.
Lemmy: When you come down the street,
there ain't no other side.
From Smash
How many ???s does it take to change
a lightbulb?
Bowser: “I will kidnap the light bulb
and hold it for a ransom of gold coins!”
Ludwig: Just one, but it will explode
soon after installation.
Ludwig: “My new invention, the Super
Mega Lighter-Upper, will make all lightbulbs obsolete! Now just let
me turn it on and-“ BOOM!
Ludwig: Approximately one point zero
zero zero zero…
Roy: None. He can fight in the dark.
Lemmy: Two. One to change the bulb
and the other to write a story about it and put it in his Land.
Iggy: He can’t see without his glasses
anyways…
Larry: Two. One to change the bulb
and the other to kill the first one and take the credit.
Wendy: “I’ll just scream for Lemmy
to do it while my nails dry.”
Wendy: Just one. She holds the bulb
and the universe revolves around her.
Morton: Just one, but it sounds like
fifty.
Podoboo: They ARE the light bulb.
Kamek: Just one, but no one knows what
he will change it into.
Wario: Three. One to steal a new one,
one to change it, and the third to sell the old one as new.
Goomba: How can they? They don’t have
hands!
Toad: Five. Four to make a tower and
one to stand on the top one’s shoulders and change the bulb.
Luigi: How would you even get him into
that dark room?
Mario: None. He’s that good.
Star Spirit: Just one, but someone
has to wish for it to be changed first.
From Emperor Koopatine
Doctor: I have bad news, sir, you have
cancer.
Man: Oh no!
Doctor: You also have Altzhiemer's.
Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!
From Grenade
I knew a dog who was so stupid he chased bones and buried cars!
From Mark P
"I'd like to be included in your next
edition," said the man on the phone to the Guinness Book Of Records.
"Why, what have you done?" came the
reply.
"I've completed a jigsaw in just under
a week and on the box it says three to five years."
From Mark P
A man was amazed to see a dog buying
meat for his owner in a butcher shop. Not only did he appear to check the
quality of the meat, but he noticed that the butcher short-changed him,
and growled until he was given the right money.
Intrigued, the man followed the dog
from the shop and saw him help an old lady across the road with her shopping
bags. The man then followed the dog to his owner's house and couldn't believe
his eyes when the dog stood up on his hind legs to ring the doorbell.
The dog's owner came to the door, took
the shopping from the dog, and kicked him out into the garden. The man
watching was horrified and called out to the owner: "I can't believe you
kicked that amazing dog-- he does your shopping, checks your change, and
even helps old ladies across the road!"
"I know," the owner replied, "but that's
the third time this week that he's forgotten his keys."
From Mark P
Teacher: What can you tell about the
dead sea?
Pupil: I didn't even know it was ill.
From Strange One
There once was a guy who was so stupid
he got hit by a parked car.
This same guy also went to a drive-thru
movie theater to see "Closed for the season".
From Bobby
What do you get when you remove half
a cat's brain?
You get a smart dog!
From Bobby
What does Mario like to eat at Boo Mansion?
Spooketti!
From Bobby
How would a Koopa feel if he were stuck
in a castle all day?
Kooped up!
From Bobby
What do you get when you cross a rose
with a Chain Chomp?
I don't know, but I wouldn't put my
nose anywhere near it!
From Denny W. Koopa
Q. What does Playful like to watch on
TV?
A. Golf, because there are birdies.
From Denny W. Koopa
The bad thing about being a lefty is that you can't do anything right.
From Denny W. Koopa
Why does Bagels never want to go to
Dunkin Doughnuts?
She's worried they might mistake her
for the product.
From Denny W. Koopa
What do you call a Koopa whose been
hit in a food fight?
Icky Koopa!
From Denny W. Koopa
How much would a Koopa Kid say Mario
weighs?
Too much.
From Dr. Hannah
One day, a guy decided to become a priest in his local church. He passed all the regulations and did all the paperwork, the only rule that he couldn't follow was not being allowed to play golf. After a month of no golf he went crazy; he said he was sick and drove eight hours to a golf course in the next state so no one would recognise him. He started hitting balls randomly and somehow, miraculously got 18 hole in ones.
Saint Peter asked God, "Why did you do that?"
God replied, "Because he can't tell anyone."
From Bobby
What do you get when you cross a lion
and a chicken?
A lion.
From Bobby
There are ten flies on a table. One
gets crushed by a swatter. How many are left?
One. The other nine flew away.
From Bobby
Patient: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking
I'm a clock!
Doctor: I don't have time to talk.
From Bobby
Patient: Doctor, doctor! My left side
got sliced!
Doctor: Aw, you're all right now.
From NovaTheStarKid
Mrs. Elderond asked Zepen, a little
first grader, to present his book report in front of class.
"Well, I read this dictionary," said
Zepen. "It did not have much of a plot, but it sure did have a lot of main
characters!"
From Denny W. Koopa
Father: Hey son! Where are your grades?
Son: They're underwater.
Father: What do you mean?
Son: They're below C level.
From clayvan@casco.net
Q: How do ghosts learn?
A: Easy, they go to ghoul!
From clayvan@casco.net
Q: What do you call a dead fish?
A: TrOUT of luck!
From Double D
10 ways to tell you aren't very bright
1. You put your pencil behind your
head, and then start looking for it.
2. When someone asks you why you bite
your nails, you say "Because I can't afford a manicure."
3. When the fat kid in class calls
you skinny, you say "Look who's talkin'."
4. You can't figure out why people
stare at you when you say something in Pig Latin.
5. When Mr. Clopson, your teacher,
tells you to go to the principal's office, you say "Yes Ma'am."
6. Whenever your mother tells you to
take out the trash, you start punching the trash bag, saying "Die, DIE!"
7. Your idea of a small breakfast is
bacon, eggs, sausage, pork, cereal, and toast, and that's just the side
dish!
8. When the toilet overflows, you get
a bucket and yell "Bail out!"
9. When people smell your breath and
run away, you think it's because the mouthwash is too strong.
10. When you watch a basketball game,
and someone makes a basket, you yell "Touchdown!"
From Bobby
The doctor told his patient on the telephone that he had good news and bad news. The good news is that he had only 24 hours to live. The bad news is that the doctor has been trying to reach him since yesterday.
From Bobby
Three almost-deaf friends met on a street corner. "Isn't it windy?" the first asked the second. "No, Thursday," the second said. "Me too," said the third, "Let's go get a pop".
From Bobby
If your computer says "Printer out of paper", this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the OK button.
From Bobby
What's the difference between a chess player and a civil servant? The chess player moves every now and then!
From Bobby
Did you hear about the idiot who went to the post office and ended up in jail? He saw a sign that said "Man Wanted for Post Office Robbery" and took the job!
From Joanie Koopa
Mario walks up to Toad's house.
Mario: I'm here to fix the sink!
Toad: Sorry, Luigi beat ya to it. He's
fixing the roof, too.
Mario: What does a plumber know about
fixing a roof?
Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!
Toad's house collapses.
Toad: <.<; Apparently, nothing...
From Kookie Koopa
How many Goombas does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
'Til you find one with arms.
From Bobby
How many Kameks does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
None, he would change it into something.
From Bobby
How many Star Spirits does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
Why can't you wish for it to be screwed
in?
From Bobby
How many Ludwigs does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Well, he could invent something to
screw it in, but it would explode anyway.
From Bobby
How many Warios does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
He would steal it and sell it for money.
From Bobby
How many Charging Chucks does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
None, but they can tackle the lightbulb
and do a dogpile on it.
From Shadow Mario
One day there was a flood and it reached the local church. The priest and his altar boys climbed up the belfry and went on the roof, the flood right behind them. The flood stopped momentarily, and the priest and his altar boys rested. A man on a row boat came by and said, "Get on this rowboat or else you'll drown."
The priest replied, "No, no, God will save me. But take some of my altar boys."
After the boys went on the boat, the flood started rising again. Thus, the priest and the rest of his boys went farther up till the flood stopped again momentarily. A man in a motorboat happened to go by. He noticed the priest and said, "Get on this boat or else you'll drown."
Again, the priest replied, "No, no, God will save me. But take the rest of my altar boys."
Again, the boys went on the boat and the flood started again. After it reached the near top of the church the flood stopped, giving the priest time. A helicopter flew by, looking for people to save. The pilot saw the priest and told him via megaphone, "Get on this helicopter or else you'll drown!"
"No, no, God will save me!" the priest yelled back.
The helicopter left, and the priest remembered he couldn't swim. The flood rose again and the priest drowned. In heaven, the priest asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied," I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what else did you need?"
From Shadow Mario
One day at a bar, two men, let's call them Bob and Joe, are drinking. Bob says, "This bar ain't worth it anymore." He jumps out the 10-story window.
Joe looks out that window, and sees Bob floating back up. When Bob makes it back, Joe asks how he did that. "Well, you see, there's an invisible platform down there, brings ya right back up."
Well, what did Joe do? The gullible fool jumped. "AAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" SPLAT!
The bartender turns to Bob and says, "You're one mean drunk, Superman."
From Mario
Q. What do you get when you cross the
princess of the Mushroom Kingdom and Pokemon #25?
A. Peachachu
From Shadow Mario
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One
was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The
barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab
of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer for me please, and one for
the road."
6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof,
fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The
green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like
Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
9. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says,
"Are you sure?"
The first replies,
"Yes, I'm positive..."
10. A man takes his Rottweiler to the
vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?"
"Well,"
says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then
checks
his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?!
Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No,
because he's really heavy."
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers
the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. I went to a seafood disco rave
last week... and pulled a mussel.
From Bobby
How many Woosters does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
That bulb's probably filthy anyway.
From Bobby
How many Lemmys does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and the other
to make a story about it and put it in his next update for those to read.
From Bobby
How many Wendys does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Wendy's busy with her nails. Go away!
From Bobby
How many Iggys does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
He's actually had trouble turning it.
From Bobby
How many Luigis does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Uh, he's afraid of the dark.
From Bobby
How many Bowsers does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
He's planning to kidnap it and wait
until Mario shows up to rescue the lightbulb.
From Bobby
How many Watts does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Actually, she's the bulb.
From Bobby
How many Cheep Cheeps does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
None. Last time he tried, he jumped
up and bit the bulb, which ended up in electrocution.
From King Boo
Which sentence is correct?
Lemons are sweet
or
Lemons is sweet?
Neither. Lemons are sour.
From Bobby
How many Prince Peasleys does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
I think that aura he has should work
instead...
From Bobby
How many lightbulbs does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
Okay, that was awkward.
From Bobby
How many King Boos does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and the other
to transform it into a painting.
From Bobby
How many Larrys does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other
to toss the first one off a cliff and take credit for the lightbulb.
From Bobby
How many Beanstars does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
I think we're going to need Peach for
this...
From Bobby
How many Cacklettas does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other
to steal its voice in order to try to awaken the Beanstar.
From Bobby
How many Goombas does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Wait, they don't have hands!
From Bobby
How many Starmen does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Starmen light up, so why not use that
instead?
From Bobby
How did the giant know that Jack was coming?
He heard the beans talk!
From Bobby
A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to pronounce it: KISS-I-me, kiss-I-me, kiss-I-ME. They grew more and more confused as they drove into the town. Because they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the server, "My wife and I can't figure out how to pronounce the name of this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it slowly so that I can understand?
The server looked at him and said, "Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiiinnnng."
From Bobby
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh!
From Bobby
What does a stupid king rule?
A King-dumb!
From Martin
In SMRPG, what would Bundt be if you could use Peach against him?
Cake.
From Bobby
How many Waluigis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
He's afraid of the lightbulb.
From Bobby
Where do you send misbehaving computers?
Boot camp.
From Blue Boo
How many Marios does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: 50. One to look at the lightbulb,
one to sniff the lightbulb, two to throw things at the lightbulb, one to
run around the room screaming about the pretzal army, one to taste the
wall, one to imagine tasting the wall,
two to throw MORE things at the lightbulb,
one to buy a cow, one to sell a cow, one to buy another cow, one to sell
another cow, one to buy a cow...ch, one to eat the couch, one to start
the chicken dance, six to DO the chicken dance, one to do the chicken dance
with a chicken, one to declare war against the washing machine, three to
watch the Cardboard Show, one to burn down the house, one to unburn down
the house, two to throw even MORE things at the lightbulb, one to remove
the carpet from the floor, one to crash trains into the ocean, one to be
the one, one to be the two, one to be the three, one to be Agent Smith,
one to buy a wig, one to use the wig and be Trinity, one to forget to be
Morpheus, one to be deleted from the Matrix, two to throw each other into
the lightbulb, one to multiply, four to be the result of that multiplication,
one to gain raccoon power and fly to Earth, one to gain Earth and fly to
raccoon power, and one to bother Luigi into
changing the lightbulb.
From Bobby
There was one guy who was so stupid, he put quarters in a parking meter and waited for gumballs to come out!
From Bobby
What's a lunch lady's favorite dessert?
Apple grumble!
From Z-Kidd 500
On this particular Sunday morning, a pastor is giving a sermon on a stage in front of the church. Then after half of the sermon, even with it being a bright and sunny day, out of nowhere, a huge bolt of lightning strikes the stage and the Devil appears. Everyone including the pastor runs away in fright... except this one man who walks up to Satan with a glare. "Why are you not afraid of me?!" Satan asks.
The man replies, "Cuz I've been married to your sister for twelve years, and you think I'm afraid of you?!"
From Gastlis
Once, a man with a truck full of penguins drove down the road. A police officer stoped him. "Why are you carrying penguins in the back of your truck?" asked the policeman.
"Penguins? Oh, I didn't know," said the driver.
"Then take those penguins to the zoo!" yelled the policeman.
"Ok," said the driver.
So he did. The next day the same driver went down the same road in a truck with the same penguins in it wearing sunglasses. The same policeman stoped them and said, "I thought that you brought those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," said the driver. "They were so well-behaved at the zoo I decided to take them to the beach today!" And he drove of.
From Cokey
One day a rich man went fishing for a rich fish to keep as a pet. After hald an hour a Cheep Cheep came out the water and said, "Can I be your pet?"
"No, you're too cheap!" the rich guy said!
From Antwan
Mario is sooo...
Mario is sooo dumb, when he took a
bite out of a school bus, he said, "Where's the cream filling?"
Mario is sooo fat, when he took a jog
around the block, he started to sweat Crisco.
Mario is sooo fat, I'm inside him writing
this joke right now.
Mario is sooo short, he weighs himself
on a fruit scale.
Mario is sooo fat, when he got on a
scale, the scale said, "TO BE CONTINUED".
Mario is sooo short, he juggles with
gumballs.
Mario is sooo dumb, he tried to push
the ceiling when the people said, "RAISE THE ROOF!"
Mario is sooo dumb, he tried putting
M&M's in alphabetical order.
Mario is sooo fat, Richard Simmons
laughed at him.
Mario is sooo short, he surfs on a
splinter.
From Z-Kidd 500
This one day, there was this old lady driving around going 24 miles an hour. A cop started following her afterwards. Then, the cop pulled her over and asked, "Ma'am, why are you going so slow?"
The lady replied, "Cuz we just passed a sign that said 24..."
The cop looked confused, then told the lady, "Oh! *chuckle* That was the highway number." Then the cop went to leave when he saw two more old ladies in the back seat. Both ladies had pale faces and looked horrified. The cop then turned back and asked the lady that was driving, "Ma'am! What happened to those two ladies in the back?!"
The lady looked back and noticed that they had pale faces, then replied, "Well, we just got off of Highway 98..."
From Bobby
A man brings his goose to a restaurant. The bartender asks, "Why did you bring that pig in here?"
The man said, "But this is a goose."
The bartender replies, "Excuse me, but I was talking to the goose."
From Bobby
What hair color do they put on the licenses of bald drivers?
From Bobby
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
From Bobby
5 out of 4 people don't know fractions.
From Bobby
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
From Bobby
A television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
From Bobby
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
From Waluigi's Twin
This joke takes place one day when Luigi, Waluigi, Princess Peach, and Princess Daisy were all riding on a train. Shortly after entering a pitch-black tunnel, the passengers heard a kiss, then a loud slap.
Princess Daisy thought, "Isn't that odd that Waluigi tried to kiss cousin Peach and not me?"
Princess Peach thought, "Daisy's a good girl with fine morals."
Waluigi thought, "Luigi's a smart fellow; he steals a kiss and I get slapped."
Luigi thought, "Perfect! I kiss the back of my hand, whack Waluigi in the head, and get away with it!"
From Waluigi's Twin
Two Koopa Troopas named Mark and Chang were digging a ditch on a very hot day. Mark said to Chang, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss, Roy Koopa, is standing up there under the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded Chang. "I'll ask him." So Chang climbed out of the hole and went over to Roy. Chang asked him, "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you are standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," Roy said.
Chang asked, "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
Roy said, "Well, I'm going to show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." Chang took a mighty swing and tried to hit Roy's hand. Roy removed his hand and Chang hit the tree. Roy said, "That's intelligence!"
So Chang went back to the hole, where Mark was waiting. Mark asked, "What did he say?"
Chang replied, "He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" asked Mark.
Chang put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
From Waluigi's Twin
One day Wario was very ill. Waluigi decided to visit him in the hospital. When Waluigi reached Wario's room, he saw that Wario was sittting up in bed, frantically leafing through the Bible. "What are you doing?" asked Waluigi.
Wario replied, "Looking for loopholes."
From Waluigi's Twin
Iggy Koopa was visiting Larry in Grass Land. Larry was justly proud of his 200 acres of rich, productive land. "Is this it?" Iggy asked Larry. "Why, back in Giant Land I get in my Doomship at 5:00 AM, and I drive and drive all day. At dusk I just reach the end of Giant Land!"
Larry thought for a while and then replied, "We have vehicles like that down here, too."
From Waluigi's Twin
Ludwig von Koopa was highly disturbed over how many accidents came from airplane wrecks, so he decided to eliminate all human errors by building a completely automatic plane.
"Lady Koopas and Gentlemen Koopas," came a voice over the loudspeaker on the maiden voyage, "it may interest you to know that you are now travelling in Plit's first completely automatic plane. Now just sit back and relax because nothing could possibly go wrong...go wrong... go wrong... go wrong..."
From Waluigi's Twin
Ludwig von Koopa came into a Koopa family meeting late for the third time in one week and found everyone else waiting for him. "What's the story this time, son?" Bowser asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Ludwig sighed. "Everything was going wrong in Pipe Land, King Dad. Karma decided to drop me off at the airport. She got ready in ten minutes, but then one of the drawbridges got stuck in the upwards position. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. I'm still wet, see? Anyways, after I finished swimming, I ran out to the airport, hitched a ride on a helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, son," said Bowser, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
From Gastlis
Q: Where did the idiot go when somone
said "Hit the road"?
A: To the hospital.
From DaKingKoopa
Larry was walkthough through the park when a Koopa came up to him and asked, "Larry, did you change your hair color to red?"
"No, I don't remember dying my hair red," Larry answered.
"Well, in that case," started te Koopa, "YOUR HAIR IS ON FIRE!"
From Z-Kidd 500
Why is the word abbreviations so long?
It's not abbreviated.
From Z-Kidd 500
What do you call Batman and Robin after
being hit by a car?
Flatman and Ribbon!
From Gastlis
One day, Morton was walking down a road and saw a telephone booth. A sign next to the telephone said "If phone does not work, please call the phone repairmen."
From Gastlis
Teacher: What are you doing on the floor crawling around?
Kid: You said never to walk into class late!
From Agahnim Koopa
Mario was walking through the woods when he found a genie. The genie told Mario he could grant three wishes, but whatever he wished for, Luigi would get double of that. Mario said, "I wish for 1 million coins," and Mario got 1 million coins, and Luigi got 2 million coins. Mario then said, "I wish I was handsome," and he became handsome, and Luigi became twice as handsome. Then Mario said, "I wish 1,000 Boos would appear and scare me half to death."
From Agahnim Koopa
Mario, Luigi, and Peach are walking through the woods and see a mirror. It has a message written on it: "Look into this mirror, say something you think about yourself, and you will be rewarded. If it is false, you will be sucked into the mirror and live there for eternity."
Peach goes first.
Peach: I think Bowser fancies me.
She is given the number of a lawfirm for when someone kidnaps her. Luigi goes next.
Luigi: I think I'm a coward.
He is given a mansion with no ghosts in it. Mario goes last.
Mario: I think...
And then he is sucked into the mirror.
From Agahnim Koopa
Lemmy was walking through the woods when he found a genie.
Genie: Thank you for releasing me, but I can only grant you one wish.
Lemmy: I want to visit Dinosaur Land, but I don't like balloons. Can you make me a warp pipe straight there?
Genie: Sorry, that's too big a wish.
Lemmy: Ok, I'd like to understand Wendy.
Genie: How big do you want that warp pipe?
From Agahnim Koopa
Q. What did Lemmy say when he was on
top of a mountain with vampires, Frankenstein, Morton, witches, wizards,
ghosts and Metroids?
A. Boy, am I in the wrong joke!
From Super Luigi
Roy was driving down the street in his new Corvette, when he saw a sign that said "Clean Restrooms Ahead". By the time he reached the Mushroom Kingdom, he had scrubbed and polished 43 restrooms.
From Bobby
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Peach.
Peach who?
Could you stop talking about Pokemon
for a minute?
From Bobby
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Luigi.
Disgruntled partner who?
That's not funny!
From Bobby
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Luigi.
Luigi who?
The story of my life.
From Iggy Clone
Q. There is one word that whenever you
pronounce it, it is wrong. Do you know what that word is?
.gnorW .A (read backwards)
From peachy64
Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School
Ahead, Go Slow".
From peachy64
Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your
math multiplication on the floor?
Cindy: You told me to do it without
using tables!
From peachy64
Teacher: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
John: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L.
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
John: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked
me how I spell it!
From peachy64
Teacher: What is the chemical formula
for water?
Sarah: H I J K L M N O!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sarah: Yesterday you said it's H to
O!
From peachy64
Teacher: George, go to the map and find
North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered
America?
Class: George!
From peachy64
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly,
do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to; my mom
is a good cook.
From Agahnim Koopa
Mario was boarding a plane at Gate 6.
Then a message came out.
"Please can people at Gate 6 go to
Gate 50?"
Mario walked the long distance to Gate
50. Then another message came out.
"Please can people at Gate 50 go back
to Gate 6?"
Mario walked back. Then a third message
came.
"Thank you for trying our fitness program."
From Z-Kidd 500
Q: What do you call dandruff on an ear
of corn?
A: Corn Flakes!
Q: Why was the ear of corn afraid?
A: He thought he was being stalked.
Q: What do you call a chubby ear of
corn?
A: Husky.
Q: Why did the soldier salute to the
ear of corn?
A: He thought it was a kernel.
Q: What do you call these jokes?
A: Corny.
From Green Yoshi
There are four men in a room: an English
man, a Welsh man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man; and they have all been
taken hostage and are about to be killed. The hostage taker says, "Ok,
you can all have one final wish before you die."
The Irish man says, "I'd like a hundred
men singing the song o' the emerald isle."
The Scottish man says, "I'd like a
hundred men playin' the bagpipes."
The Welsh man says, "I'd like a hundred
people chanting in deep Welsh voices."
Then the hostage taker turns to the
English man and says, "And you? What is your wish?"
The man says, "Can I be shot first?"
From Green Yoshi
In an old theater with a large stage
and balconies around the walls there are a lot of people watching a play.
A man in the front row starts making loud groaning noises and people start
looking at him. Then he starts making them again and there starts to be
calls of "Shut up!" and "Be quiet!" from the audience. Then he starts groaning
again and the manager comes along and asks him be quiet.
Still the man groans so the manager
says, "I think this man might be very ill, we need to get him home."
So the manger asks him where he came
from, and the man says, "I came from... *groan* I came from..." Then he
points up. "...The balcony."
From Green Yoshi
There are three hillbillies walking
along the road when one of them starts making strange noises and falls
to the floor. Tirst hillbilly finds the nearest S.O.S telephone box, dials
991, and says, "Hello, I think Billy Bob's dead."
The operator says, "Well I'm afraid
you'll have to make sure he's dead before we can take any further action."
Then a gun shot rings out and he says,
"Ok, he's dead. What do I do now?"
From MarioFanaticXV
All the stars in the Milky Way are having
a party.
All of a sudden, the Sun turns to Alpha
Centari and says, "Hey, you, get me a soda!"
Alpha Centari is upset about the Sun
being rude and says, "Why should I? You know, the world doesn't revolve
around you!"
Then the Sun replies, "Well, as a matter
of fact, it does!"
From MarioFanaticXV
An elementary school teacher is grading
some spelling papers when he comes across one that he finds rather odd.
He calls the boy who did it aside the next day and shows him the paper.
"It appears that you're having some
trouble spelling the word water," says the teacher, "but can you explain
why you wrote this?"
The teacher points to the mispelling
of water, which was written as "hijklmno" on the boy's paper.
"That's how my big brother told me
to write it," the boy says.
"Are you sure of that?" asks the teacher.
The boy nods as he says, "Yes, he told
me that water was H to O."
From Volcom
What did the blond say when she opened
a box of Cheerios?
"Donut seeds!"
From Volcom
What did the blond say when she was
asked what happened when she got a drink at a vending machine?
"I won the game!"
From Bobby
What do you get if you cross a cat with
a Disney/Pixar movie?
A Bug's 9 Lives!
From little fraze
Once I got kicked out of an antique store for saying, "What's new?"
From Z-Kidd 500
There were these two guys walking on a sidewalk one day. One guy said to the other, "Hey, Jim, I heard that you and your wife have been married for 23 years and have never had even one argument in your house."
Jim replied, "Nope... We always go outside to do it."
From Z-Kidd 500
One guy turned to another and said, "Hey, Bob, did you hear the one about the broken pencil?"
Bob replied, "Yep. But it had no point to it."
From Z-Kidd 500
One morning, a husband was sitting at the table enjoying breakfast while the wife was standing next to the table, ironing a shirt. She was glancing down at a newspaper while ironing. Then she picked up the paper and said, "Hey, guess what this article says. Says some scientists discovered a woman's skull that's about 700 years old. Now how do you suppose they know it was a woman's skull?"
From Denny W. Koopa
Why wouldn't Tubba Blubba go on a diet?
He had no heart for it!
From wackowendy429
What is confidence?
Confidence is going after a Big Bertha in a rowboat with nothing but a peashooter and a jar of tarter sauce.
From wackowendy429
A lady was at the doctor's office and the doctor said, "For your diet, I would like you to eat normally a day and skip a day for two weeks. Then come see me."
Two weeks later, she came back in not fat and the doctor said, "Wow, you look great."
Then the lady said, "Yes, but I almost fainted."
The doctor asked, "From hunger?"
The lady replied, "No, from all that skipping."
From Dark Luigi
There is a fine line between bravery and stupidity. Bravery is Luigi saving Mario from a haunted mansion. Stupidity is Mario trying to mess with a ravenous Chain Chomp.
From Denny W. Koopa
One day, Roy was going to school on the bus, and put his bag on the seat. There was no room left, so Lemmy had to sit next to Roy. Lemmy picked up the backpack and slowly moved it aside. Lemmy told Roy, "Your bag feels like it has cinder blocks in it!"
Roy answered, "It does! My English teacher said she wanted me to find a concrete noun for homework!"
From Denny W. Koopa
What do you get when you give Morton a megaphone?
A headache!
From Z-Kidd 500
One day, this lady was so blonde she
tripped over a cordless phone!
One lady was so blonde it took her
two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
One lady was so blonde she thought
Taco Bell was the Mexican phone company.
From Denny W. Koopa
You know you're stupid if you send a Buzzy Beetle to Lemmy's Bugs.
From Denny W. Koopa
Top ten things you do NOT want to ask
Wendy...
10. What's your phone bill?
9. Why do you eat unhealthy candy?
8. How many cavities did you get in
the last year?
7. Do you have a crush?
6. Are you single?
5. Why do you buy dresses that are
out of fashion?
4. Did you get Chocolate Island because
you eat so much of it?
3. Are you naturally ugly?
2. How heavy are you?
And most of all...
1. Where do babies come from?
From Dallas
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Lemmy.
Lemmy who?
Lemmy alone.
From Dallas
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Izzy.
Izzy who?
Izzy dead yet?
From Dallas
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Wise.
Wise who?
Wise he taking so long?
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Go back to my main page.