Lemmy’s Lines

Lemmy’s Lines

What do you call a rabbit with lots of fleas? Bugs Bunny.

How many big men have been born in Ohio? None, just small babies.

What are the three most-used words in school? I don't know.

Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon? Because he was dead.

How do you know when you're no longer wanted? They remove your picture from the post office.

What building has the most stories? The public library.

What begins with E and ends with E and has a letter in between? An envelope.

Brother: If you broke your arm in two places what would you do? Sister: I wouldn't go back to those two places.

What month has 28 days? All of them.

Lisa was talking on the phone to her friend Judy. "First I got laryngitis, then tonsillitis and pneumonia, next I got hemophilia, and I ended up getting hypodermics and inoculations!" moaned Lisa. "Boy!" said Judy. "You sure have had a rough time!" "I'll say! I thought I'd never get through that spelling contest!"

Why did the mother ghost take her son to the doctor? Because he was in good spirits.

From Sub-Zero

Knock knock! Who's there? Can I. Can I who? Can I have a lemon?

Knock knock! Who's there? Cut! Cut who? Cut-ie Pie!

Why did Valentina cross the road? Because she saw Booster!

Why is Ludwig's hair so wild? Because he wears a wig to look like Einstein!

From Dinogirl

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with a wish. But be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

From Specter

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leavesof a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Customer: My computer crashed! Tech Support: It crashed? Customer: Yeah, it won't let me play my game.
Tech Support: All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot. Customer: No, it didn't crash-- it crashed. Tech Support: Huh? Customer: I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work. Tech Support: Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.' Customer: [pause] Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: Can't find the printer. On the phone the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

Another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer. Tech Support: Umm-hmm. What happened? Customer: As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized. Tech Support: Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am? Customer: (proudly) I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?' Tech Support: Er, what happened next? Customer: After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?

In a computer programming class I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back, started typing and immediately
got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking,
red-faced with silent laughter. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do
anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?" etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet
red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... You get your own toilet. AT WORK... You have to share. IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK... You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... You spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out. AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK...They are called supervisors.

From Smash48

Bill Gates, Michal Jackson, and a tourist were atanding on a tall sky scraper. Bill says, "I could make everyone happy by tossing a lot of money out of this window right now." Michal says, "I could make everyone happy by singing them a song." The tourist says, "I could make EVERYONE happy by tossing both of you off this building right now!!"

Q. How did the airhed try to kill the fish?
A. S/he tried to drown it!

Q. How did the airhead try to kill the bird?
A. S/he tossed it of a cliff!

From Kirby Girl

The Troubled Human Race: In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how? I tryed using it differently, it burns) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (printed on bottom of the box) (Too late! You lose!) (I love it: food to *beep* you off.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?? Mine said exactly opposite?) On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) (Or underground?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious. It means don't stick your little brother's head in it) On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(DDDUUUHHHWhoah! That really helps me out! I could only finish step 1 but now I understand!) On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

From Sandslash

Two blondes decided to go to DisneyLand for vacation. They were driving down the interstate and were just outside of Orlando when they saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left". So they turned around and came back!

Why: Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If buttered toast always lands butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feelmiserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?""Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving," motioned the monkey.

Dear Son, I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put your shirts in it, I pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time, and four days the second. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them big
heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. Your uncle John fell in the
whiskey vat, some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup, one was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money, but I already had this sealed.

Signs You Are Drunk: You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed.You fall off the floor... Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom,
you fell asleep clothed. Hmmm...The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in. Roseanne looks good. Don''t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That darn pink elephant followed you home again. You're as jober as a sudge. The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.

THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY: Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.' Sparky! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before? Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch? I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean 'You want a divorce'! She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out! 'And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient...' 'Your name is Rainy what and you want to do what to the patient????'
'Hello, I'm Dr. Squiffy.....'

You Know It's Your Last Day at Work When... You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks,
"What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn." Your boss was standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some
confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?" You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last
night was the company Christmas party.

There was a private in an army, and it went to a fort to get supplies for the eventual battles. Everyone was getting a gun and a knife, but the private was last in line, and when it was his turn, the officer in charge of the fort said, "Sorry, we're all out." The private looked surprised and then said, "But I need a gun!" The officer went off, and then came back with a yard stick. "What do I do with this?" asked the private. "It's a gun," explained the officer. "Point it at the enemy and shout 'bangedybangbang!'." The private thought the officer was crazy, but decided he could use it as a stick, which was better than nothing. "But I still need a knife," he reminded. The officer went away and came back with a ruler. "What is this?" asked the private. "It's a knife, and you can use it as a bayonet," explained the officer. "Just attach it to your gun, point it at the enemy when they are close to you, and say 'stabbedystabstab!'." The private thought the officer was beyond help, but figured he'd use the ruler to make his stick longer. Then the army went off and camped out on top of a hill for the night. When the private woke up, he saw that his troop was gone. He looked over the hill and saw the entire army of the enemy. They saw him and started charging. The private knew that he would die since he had no weapon, so he decided to use his stick. He pointed the stick at the oncoming soldiers and shouted "bangedybangbang!" To his surprise, the soldiers fell down and died. A few of the enemy soldiers got close, and then the private pointed his stick at them and shouted "stabbedystabstab!" And they fell down too. Before too long, all of the enemy soliders were dead- except for one soldier in the far back who was riding a bicycle. The private laughed, pointed his stick at him, and shouted "bangedybangbang!" But nothing happened. The private waited for the bicycler to get closer, pointed his stick, and shouted "bangedybangbang!" But nothing happened. The bicycler got really close, and then the private pointed his stick at him and shouted "stabbedystabstab!" But nothing happened. Then the bicycler rode over the private and killed him. "Tankedytanktank!" he shouted.

From a jokes webring

How is a waxed floor like music? If you don't C sharp you'll B flat.

What do you call a dog that digs up bones and studies them? Abarky-ologist.

What do you call a shark that talks too much? A jabber jaw.

What's a puppy's favorite soda? Pupsi cola.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck.

From Sub-Zero

If you ever fall of the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I thing it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

I wish a robot would get elected President.That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel to bad.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of it's head with a note that reads, "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I can still recall old Mr. Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then, he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

From Sandslash

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use
that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?""I think it was the spin cycle!"

One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked, "What is the Gross National Product?" The little boy pondered for a minute and replied, "Spinach!?"

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? If you're driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane? If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off her cracker. Chimney's clogged. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay her brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If she had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 24 cents short of a quarter.

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them
that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!" "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!" "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife."Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

The Engineer's Dictionary:
Major Technological Breakthrough - Back to the drawing board. Developed after years of intensive research - It was discovered by accident. Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties - We are working on something else. The designs are well within allowable limits - We just made it, stretching a point or two. Customer satisfaction is believed assured - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us. Close project coordination - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this. The design will be finalized in the next reporting period - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something. A number of different approaches are being tried - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving. Test results were extremely gratifying - It works, and are we surprised! Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem - We just hired three new guys; we'll let
them kick it around for a while. Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive - The darn
thing blew up when we threw the switch.

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat
fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Two Mafia men finally caught up with Jose in a downtown bar. "Jose, we know you stole our money and we want it back, right now." "No spicka d english," says Jose. The Mafia looked around and one of them yelled. "Anybody in here speak spanish?" "I do," said the bartender. "Tell him what we said." The bartender told Jose what the two men had said. "Oh-H, No me. Me Jose Garcia and me no take no money." The bartender repeated the statement to the two Mafia men. "Tell him we KNOW he took our money and if he gives it back right now we will let him live." After the bartender repeated the message Jose started shaking his head and denying any knowledge of the money. Seeing this, the two gangsters started drawing their guns. The bartender yelled. "Jose they are gonna kill you right now." With this, Jose, wild eyed, came clean. "The money is down at the Santa Maria Church under the steps. It's the third step up and the fourth brick over. Its alla there I no spenda any of it." "What'd he say," asked the Mafia. The bartender looked them in the eye. "He says to tell you he ain't afraid to die."

A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex. After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also. "Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired. "Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"

From a jokes webring

What kind of can likes to eat fish? A Peli-can.

Ted: Oh boy! The teacher said we were having a history test today, rain or shine! Bob: Well why are you so excited? Ted: Because it's snowing!

What is a chicken's favorite music composer? Bock.

Why did the turkey cross the road? Because the chicken was on vacation.

What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers? A bud-hound.

Why did the lady put frosting on her rice? Because she wanted to have rice cakes.

From Sub-Zero

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." The man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ‘ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. "What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll
go and live with my Mother-in-law". Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?" "Because then it'll feel like the longest six months of my Life!"

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him, "My name's the same as yours." Santa's helper blows his cover when he says, "Well, hello, Harold!"

A little girl, was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and Santa offered her a sucker. Her mother said to Sally: "What do you say?" Sally looks up to Santa and says, "Charge it!"

1. An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit. a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes
warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office. b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland
pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving." c. Personnel will utilize standard "T" ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T" ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced. d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SG's will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging. e. At first of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all
CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter. f. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown. g. The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sliegh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operators license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On Dancer, On Dancer, etc." 2. LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg. 9828 through the dayroom. All
offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel
will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit. 3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" or "Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night." This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to
investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. How do I get rid of them? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it.

Support: "Hello, Technical Support; may I help you?" Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect." S: "What sort of trouble?" C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away." S: "Went away?" C: "They disappeared." S: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" C: "Nothing." S: "Nothing?" C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." S: "Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?" C: "How do I tell?" S: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" C: "What's a sea-prompt?" S: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" C: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." S: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" C: "What's a monitor?" S: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" C: "I don't know." S: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" C: <pause> "Yes, I think so." S: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." C: <pause> "Yes, it is." S: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" C: "No." S: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." C: <pause> "Okay, here it is. S: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." C: "I can't reach." S: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" C: "No." S: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." S: "Dark?" C: "Yes- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." S: "Well, turn on the office light then." C: "I can't." S: "No? Why not?" C: "Because there's a power outage." S: "A power?!? A *power* outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." S: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." C: "Really? Is it that bad?" S: "Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is." C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" S: "Tell them you're just too darn stupid to own a computer."

Doctors may not say exactly what they mean... * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. * On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. * The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. * Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. * Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. * The patient refused an autopsy. * The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. * Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. * The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. * She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. * The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

From a jokes webring

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