Ways to Order a Pizza
1. Ask if you can get a pizza with just crust, no toppings.
2. Call a delivery-only pizza store and insist on "dining in".
3. At the touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Tell the person taking the order to stop doing that.
4. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it. Cheer if they say yes.
5. Use CB lingo where applicable.
6. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
7. Terminate the call with "Remember, we never had this conversation."
8. Tell the order-taker a rival pizza place is on the line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
9. Give them your adress, say "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
10. Answer their questions with questions. (e.g., "Where do you live?", you'd say, "Do you even know where YOU live?")
11. Use these bonus words during the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, UKRAINIAN, PUCE.
12. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
13. Sing your order to the tune of your favorite song.

Ways to tell you have a bad doctor:
1. The doctor's diploma hangs upside down on the wall.
2. The doctor says "My, what a cute little kitten," to you when you visit him or her.
3. You notice there is a piranha swimming in the doctor's water cooler.
4. The doctor recommends you take up smoking.
5. You get a rabies vaccine instead of your pet.
6. The doctor asks you questions like, "What do you want to be when you get younger?"
7. There are screams constantly coming from the doctor's office.

A duck walked into a store. He said, "Got any grapes?"
The clerk said, "No, we do not have any grapes! Now leave."
The duck left and came back in the store. He asked, "Got any grapes?"
The clerk said, "NO! And if you come back in again, I'm gonna staple your feet to the floor."
The duck came back in. He said, "Got any staples?"
The clerk said, "No."
The duck said, "Got any grapes?"

What do you call a cross between a duck and a chicken? A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn.

Don'ts of Superior Resume Writing:
Don't write it in crayon.
Don't mention your fascination with lint.
Don't say you received a Nobel Prize. (Say you almost got one, but it was lost in the mail.)
Don't write "Guess who?" in place of your name.
Don't write a resume for each of your personalitities.

If you want to impress your boss...
1. Be there in morning when the boss arrives, and still be there when the boss leaves. Between times, eat and sleep.
2. Ask your boss to give you more work. Then dump it on someone else.
3. If your boss likes a certain type of cookie or candy, keep a jar of it on your desk.
4. Ask your boss to recommend a restaurant.  Have a "wonderful meal" there, whether you actually go or not.
5. Always say "thanks", even if you did the favor.
6. Ask to see pictures of your boss's family. Be complimentary, no matter how much you're reminded of the movie Aliens.
7. When your boss is talking, always pretend to listen.
8. Go to the dentist for your boss.
9. Ask your boss if you can write his/her biography.
10. Name your child after your boss.
11. Give your boss a kidney.
12. Swear that your boss's picture miraculously cured your split ends.
13. Fall on a grenade tossed at your boss.
14. Ask if you can take a cut in pay.

If you work in an office, here's how to gobble your competing person (Sharkbait) up along the way.
1. Invite your boss and Sharkbait to dinner, but tell Sharkbait the wrong day. When Sharkbait doesn't show up, say to your boss, "Sorry, Sharkbait sometimes has a little 'spell'".
2. Learn the ins and outs of the company's audio/visual equipment. Then, before Sharkbait's presentation, discretely disconnect a wire or loosen a bulb. Let Sharkbait fumble for a moment, then step in and take command.
3. Circulate a memo (using Sharkbait's real name) suggesting that everyone work at least a half-day on Christmas. This should make Sharkbait very popular with the other employees. Bwa ha ha...

Things You Should Never Say To...
Secretaries: "Hey, how about getting me some coffee?"
Cab Drivers: I see how driving a cab would make you an authority on everything."
Dogs: "Some people find drooling very attractive."
Cartoonists: "Well, we can't all be physicists."
Lawyers: "Law is certainly a viable career, if you can't get into med school."
Teachers: "I wish I only had to work nine months out of the year."
Artists: "Society needs artists. I mean, those bare walls would be sooo tiresome."
Actors: "I could never do what you do. I'm just too well-adjusted."
TV Actors: "Did you do any real acting before you got into television?"
Athletes: "It must be nice to extend your adolescence like that."
Debutantes: "You're so lucky. With your name and money, you'll never have to worry about your looks."
Accountants: "I used to have an accountant. Then I got a calculator."
Doctors: "You do such important work, even if it does feed on the suffering of others."
Farmers: "How's the dirt business?"
Journalists: "I know that if you had the budget, you could do major news stories like Geraldo."
Politicians: "Does your mother know what you do for a living?"
Foreigners: "That foreign accent of yours is perfectly charming."
Writers: "It's amazing how you can fill up all those pages."
Ad Execs: "Eliminating bad breath is every bit as important as wiping out hunger and disease."
Car Salesmen: "Are you between honest jobs?"
Auto Workers: "Don't worry. Many people work on an assembly line and go on to lead normal lives."
Singers: "There's no way to ruin great songs like that."
Vice-Presidents: "It must beat working for a living."
Presidents: "Do you have a graveyard for all those angry letters you received and burned?"
Plumbers: "Every time I flush I'm reminded of you."
Producers: "If you can't have talent, at least you can be around it."
Physicists: "That pocket protector is really you!"
Models: "If I had your looks, I wouldn't think either."
Pet Owners: "Maybe I'll get a pet someday when no one else can stand me."
Librarians: "Dusting those books must take a lot of training."
Disc Jockeys: "I listened to you once."
Mechanics: "It's amazing how much of the grease you're able to wash off."

You know you're a coward if:
1. You're afraid you might be one.
2. You suddenly develop obsessive-compulsive disorder.
3. You find out that you and Chicken Little have a lot in common.
4. You would rather play a chess tournament than a football one.

Dark Boshi's Crash Course on School 'n' Stuff
1. Our first lesson is geometry. It's about a bunch of shapes that don't really have anything to do with each other, they just make you learn about them because they're there. Pretty stupid, huh? Here's all you need to know: circle, square, triangle, rectangle, pentagon, octagon.
2. Now we move on to writing. I like it! You have to take your hand and hold a pencil or pen. Then you touch the tip of your pencil or pen to a piece of paper. Start moving it around in coordinated motions to form words that follow a logical sense of order.
3. Addition time. You have to add number together to make a certain amount.  It's very annoying after a while. Here are some basic equations: 1+1= 2, 2+2= 4, 3+3=6, 4+4=8, 5+5=10, 6+6=12, 7+7=14, 8+8=16, 9+9=18, 10+10=20. There.
4. Reading. Ya gotta look at some words written anywhere, then stare at them until you know what they say. It's much harder than it sounds, but keep practicing and you'll be really good at it, like me.
5. That's it. Enough learning!

There were two Canadians who visited Australia. They went into an Austrailian bar. One of the people there said, "G'day, mates! Where are y'from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskewatchen," they replied.
Another Austrailian asked, "So, where are they from?"
"Dunno," said the first guy. "They don't speak English."

From Dark Boshi

During Super Mario World, Mario visits a Yoshi chief with an unusual problem...
Chief: Big chief no belch.
Mario: Drink a can of soda every day.
The next day...
Chief: Big chief no belch.
Mario: Drink a gallon of soda every day.
The next day...
Chief: Big chief no belch.
Mario: Drink a truckload of soda every day.
The next day, Yoshi is speaking for the chief.
Mario: What happened?
Yoshi: Big belch no chief.

From Koopatine

One day a police officer was walking through a row of prison cells. One of the prisoners said, "Oh, pardon me-".
That's when the police officer cut in, "No."

From David

The Koopalings were wondering one day if there was baseball in heaven. Ludwig said that if one of them died and went to heaven that they must tell everyone if there was baseball or not. And eventually Lemmy died. When he returned (in spiritual form) he visited Ludwig's room. Ludwig asked, "Is there baseball in heaven?"
Lemmy answered, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you will be the pitcher on my team on Sunday."

There was a boy who was a TV junkie and he asked his mom if he could see the TV and the mom said, "Yes, but don't turn it on."

From Leo

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas
Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
Emily
Dec 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily
Dec 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily
Dec 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily
Dec 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily
Dec 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily
Dec 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily
Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily
Jan 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.
Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great", he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Murphy’s Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it's downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

New Computer Viruses
Disney Virus: Everything in your computer turns Goofy.
Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after one byte.
Spice Girls Virus: Has no real function but makes a pretty desktop.
Martha Stewart Virus: Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 300MB.
Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C/:.
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.
Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
New York Jets Virus: Makes your Pentium PC perform like a 286/AT. Makes computer play itself and lose.
LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
Sharon Stone Virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there
Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Titanic Virus: Makes your whole computer go down
Tim Allen Virus: Appears helpful only to destroy your hard drive on impact
Sadam Hussein Virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding Virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Lorena Bobbit Virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
George Michaels Virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.
Woody Allen Virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on the daughterboard.
X-Files Virus: All your icons start shape-lifting.
Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data but forgets where it is stored.
Sonny Bono Virus: Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
Ellen Degeneres Virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Stress Reduction Technique
Sit quietly and inhale deeply and slowly through your nose.
Exhale slowly.
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You breathe deeply.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look.
It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise.
You let him up... just for a quick breath... then plop!
Back under he goes.
You allow yourself to take as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?

World Ideologies - Explained By Cows
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who have the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free market".
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM: Both cows are bloated with toxic steroids. They are set out to graze on privatized public parks, release massive amounts of flatulence that destroys the ozone layer, die from excess ultraviolet light, and are processed into meat-like products that look great as a result of clever and unprincipled marketing strategies. When you mortgage your artificially devalued farm at high interest rates in order to buy meat, you consume the poisoned material and develop terminal illnesses because there is no health care plan to treat you. The corporate management uses your purchase price to acquire THEIR meat from cows raised "naturally" on tree-free rain forest land outside of the country where labor and resources are cheap.

Actually heard in court:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attornies?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too, were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

Fun things to do to your roommate during Christmas
1. Claim to have been a Christmas tree in your past life. When your roommate brings one into the room scream bloody murder.
2. Go to the mall with your roommate. Sit on Santa's lap and then refuse to get off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all day. Deny that you are wearing it.
4. Sit in corner in fetal position rocking back and forth chanting "Santa Clause is Comin' to Town".
5. Hang stocking with your roommate's name on it and fill it with coal and sharp objects. When questioned by roommate, respond by saying, "You've been very naughty this year".
6. Paint your nose red and put on antlers and complain about being left out of all the reindeer games.
7. Wrap yourself in nothing but Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
8. Sing... "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth."
9. Build a snowman with your roommate. When you put the hat on and it doesn't come to life, scream hysterically, "It didn't work!"
10. Whip your roommate and shout, "On Comet, on Cupid," etc.
11. Tear down your roommate's Christmas decorations while muttering "bah humbug"!
12. Wake up every morning screaming, "Ghost of Christmas future have mercy on my soul!"
13. Wear a long white fake beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank".
14. Recite over and over about how the Grinch stole Christmas while in your underwear standing in front of a mirror.
15. Smoke mistletoe and do what comes naturally.
16. Watch your roommate sleep and when they wake up start singing "He sees you when you're sleeping..."
17. Steal a lifesize nativity scene and put it in your room. When your roommate questions you say, "I had to let them stay here... there was no more room at the inn!"

The Final Exam
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Bungee Jumping
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Monterrey and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones, and he's almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what in the world is a pinata?"

Describing Your Fellow Students
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy that holds them together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
Single-celled organisms outscore him on IQ tests.
Donated his body to scientists... before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Fell out of the family tree.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

From Smash

The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independantly, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

SAVING THE EASTER BUNNY
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?" The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again! The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

What did the number 0 say to the number 8? "Hey, nice belt!"

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.

From Dinogirl

What do you call Mario with a peg leg? Lard on a stick.
What do you call Mario with two peg legs? A waste of wood.

From Lakitu 2000

Why do surgeons wear face masks? So when something goes wrong, no one knows who's at fault.

How do crazy people get through the forest? They take the psycho path.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes!

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Procter and Gamble? It's true. Comet cleans sinks!

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle!

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile-toe!

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said,  "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."  The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "What's wrong with me? I'm afraid of Santa!" The psychiatrist replied by saying, "You must be Claustrofobic."

Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the heck out of their dogs!

After the nickel jumped off the cliff, why didn't the dime follow?Because he had more cents.

Why is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

My internet service left me so poor that I got married just for the rice!

My internet service has amazing security. Even I can't get in!

My computer is down so often that I had to treat it for clinical depression!

My computer crashes so much that I have to wear a helmet!

My jokes are so corny that they crack everybody up.

What did the ghost say to his worst enemy when he ran out onto the soccer field? Booooo!

How did the female Boo react at the sight of Mario? She covered up her face and boo-hooed.

What was everyone’s' reply when Lemmy said, "I'm the best!"? "That's a joke!"

What was Dinogirl's response when Mario said, "I'm the-a number one-a plumber!"? "Yeah, the number one drain-brain!"

Why is Luigi hardly ever seen in the Mario games? Because he is too embarrassed to be seen with his ugly brother.

Why is the princess's name Peach? Because she is so "peachy".

Why is Toad so afraid of Dinogirl? Because she is a vegetarian.

What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? "I lava U!"

A little boy that loves pirates goes to see a brand new pirate movie that had just came out. He goes up to the ticket booth and asks to buy a ticket. "You can't see that movie," says the man at the booth. "But why?" asks the boy. "Because it's rated AARRRRR!"

From Dinogirl

Why did the boy throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.

Why did the girl throw the butter out the window? She wanted to see the butterfly.

What does a ghost eat for breakfast? Scream of wheat.

C:\ is the root of all directories.

PIT BULLDOG FOR SALE: Eats anything, loves children.

Captain Crunch murdered, Cereal killed suspected

A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.

Energize- Hey! Where did that bunny come from?

Clinton/Gore=error, division by zero

Actual newspaper headline: Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Another real newspaper headline: Toilet stolen, police have nothing to go on

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

A dentist recently tried chocolate-flavored pumice paste out on his patients. No one liked it except this one six year old boy. While he polished his teeth, he continued to smile and lick his lips. "You must really like this new flavor," the dentist said. "Yep", replied the boy, nodding with satisfaction. "It tastes just like the time I dropped my candy bar in my sandbox."

I know this guy who's so fat when he sits around the house, he sits around the house, literally.

What day to chickens hate most? Friday (fry day).

What do a C:\ and an LA freeway have in common? Both are hard drives.

Three chickens went into a library. They got on the desk and said, "Buk, buk, buk!" The librarian gave them three books. An hour later they came back, but they seemed a little mad "Buk! Buk! Buk!" The librarian gave them three books and they returned nearly an hour later, really mad. "BUK! BUK! BUUUKK!" The librarian became suspicious and gave them three books and followed the chickens, who led her to a pond. They were throwing books in a pond to a frog on a lillypad saying, "Rrreddit, rrreddit, rrreddit!”

Why did the bike fall over? Because it was tired.

Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice.

If Pro is the opposite of Con, what's the opposite of progress?

Click here to find out how to keep an idiot in suspense for a few minutes.

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell station.

What falls in the winter and never gets hurt? Snow.

What does a ghost wear in the winter? Boooots.

What kind of music does a mummy like? Wrap music.

We just got AOL. We logged on. We heard "Welcome". Then we got on the  Internet. "Good-bye". "WHAT?! I never signed off! Try again." As soon as I visited Lemmy's Land I got a message: "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down". "STUPID AOL! WHAT THE @%&$#&, I'll try one more time!" As I got online and tried to go to SMBHQ it clicked and there was my desktop. I got on and complained to AOLOfficialMail with a long drawn out complaint. Later I saw in my mailbox - MAILER-DAEMON - Returned mail. My face was red and I went outside for five minutes. I came back in with an eight pound ax and whack! I remember saying "Matthew Villani - Returned blow".

From Matthew

Knock Knock. Who's there? Ron. Ron who? Ron away, there's an alligator chasing us!

A rooster lays an egg on a pyramid, which way will it roll? None, Roosters don't lay eggs, hens do.

From Aleth

Bumper stickers of the new millenium:
God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
 I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
Get a New Car for Your Spouse.  It'll Be a Great Trade
What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Liberal Arts Major..Will Think for Food
Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
In Dog Years, I'm Dead
Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
All men are idiots... and I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the
  passengers in his car.
NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will..I want to be in it.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
HONK ... If You Want To See My Finger
Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

From Smash48

??? 1: Knock Knock
??? 2: Who's there?
??? 1: Torador
??? 2: Torador who?
??? 1: Torador down, now may I come in?

??? 1: Knock Knock
??? 2: Who's there?
??? 1: Wendy
??? 2: Wendy who?
??? 1: Wendy run off?

Mario ended his lecture on efficiency with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home," he said.
"Why not?" asked a Goomba in the audience.
"I was watching Peach's routine at breakfast for years. She carried only one item at a time, making many trips to the counter, stove, and the table. 'Hon,' I asked, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?"
"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to fix breakfast. Now I do it in seven minutes."

From Dark Koopa

There was this woman who entered a restaurant. When she looked at the menu she saw two different prices for the same food (e.g. Hamburger $5 and Hamburger $50). Then the woman asked the waiter, "Waiter, what's the difference bettwen the $5 food and the $50 dollar food?" The waiter replied, "Miss, with the $50 food you get medical attention."

Mario was in a mall one day and asked the Toad in the Information Department "Miss, where is the girls' bathroom" and the Toad, shocked, replied, "The girls' bathroom, sir?" and Mario said "Yes, the girls' bathroom." Then the Toad called for a Koopatrol and when the like came he asked, "What's the problem?" and the Toad replied, "Mario wants to go to the girls' bathroom." Then the Koopatrol asked Mario, "Is this true?!" Mario replied "Yes, beacse they called me to fix a leak and unclog a toilet in the girls' bathroom."

From Leo

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