A four year old boy and his mom went shopping and the boy bought some animal crackers. When they got home, the boy's mom started setting the table and the boy dumped the animal crackers all over it. The boy's mom asked, "Why are you doing that, son?" The boy said, "The box says ‘do not eat them if the seal is broken.’ I'm looking for the seal."

A teacher was teaching her class of little children one day. She said, "Whoever has to go to the bathroom, please raise two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room said, "How will that help?"

A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed his left shoe was on his right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised eyebrow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet."

What did the snail say when he rode on the back of the turtle? "Wheeeeeeeee!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because she heard that there was a man on the other side laying bricks and she had to go see for herself!

One day there was a family of rabbits out in a field. Their names were Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot. They were eating carrots when all of a sudden, Foot said, "I don't feel very good. I think I'll go back to the house to lay down and rest." Foot Foot said, "Okay, Foot, you go ahead and go back to the house and rest." So, Foot went back to their house to rest. After a while, Foot Foot said, "Foot Foot Foot, I think that I ought to go to the house and see how Foot is doing." Foot Foot Foot said, "Okay, Foot Foot, you go back to the house and see about Foot." So, Foot Foot went back to the house to see about Foot. When he got there he said, "Hi, Foot, how are you feeling?" Foot said, "Oh, I'm sick. I'm awfully sick. You’d better go and bring Foot Foot Foot back here. He'll know what to do." So, Foot Foot went back to the field to get Foot Foot Foot. Foot Foot said, "Foot Foot Foot, Foot's sick and he wants you to come and help him because you'll know what's wrong." Foot Foot Foot said, "Okay, Foot Foot, let's go help Foot." So they went back to the house but when they got there Foot was dead. He really was dead, so they decided that they would bury him. They started burying Foot and when they got done Foot Foot said, "Foot Foot Foot, I don't feel very well. I think that I ate a bad carrot too." Foot Foot Foot said, "Well, Foot Foot, you’d better not die, because we've already got one foot in the grave!"

From Lemmy Lover

Why did Roy cross the road? He saw Mario and wanted to beat him up.

From L-koopa

Ludwig joke: Knock knock. Who's there? Ivanna. Ivanna who? Ivanna Kookie! (I wanna cookie!)

Lemmy joke: Knock knock. Who's there? Lemmy. Lemmy who? Lemmy have it! (lemme have it!)

Roy joke: Knock knock. Who's there? He's Roy. He's Roy who? He's Roy Al! (He's Royal!)

Iggy joke: Knock knock. Who's there? Iggy. Iggy who? Iggy slime! (icky slime!)

Wendy joke: Knock knock. Who's there? Wendy O. Wendy O who? Wendy O! She's a Koopa! (Wendy? Oh, she's a Koopa)

Morton joke: Knock knock. Who's there? One. One who? One morton! (one more ton!)

Larry joke: Knock knock. Who's there? It's his. It's his who? It's his Larry's! (it's his lair his)

From Mario Surfer

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching theintersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please." Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man." Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran that stop sign back there!" Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference?" The police officer pulled out his night stick and began whacking the man over the head and shoulders.  Bang! Bang! whomp! Bang! Policeman: "Now....  do you want me to just slow down, or stop!!!?

A young man is jogging through a park when he sees an old man sitting on a bench sobbing. Concerned, he stops by the bench. "Is there anything I can do for you, sir?" "Oh," sobs the old man, "everything's wonderful. I just married a gorgeous twenty-year old who'll do anything for me, and even my children love her. We have a beautiful house, a pool..." "So what's the matter?" the puzzled young man asks."I can't remember where I live!"

An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.  So he wrote to his son about his predicament. The son sent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried the guns!!!!!"  At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now? The son sent the reply:  "NOW plant the potatoes!"

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.  A woman is driving down the same road.  As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "pig."  The man immediately leans out his window and replies with a few obscenities.  They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

Josh had lived a long, faithful life, and was now in the hospital hooked up to a respiratory machine, very near to death.  The family called their long-time pastor to stand with them. The pastor arrived just in time, for as he stood next to the bed, Josh's condition deteriorated quickly as he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor swiftly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Josh used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.  The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he said, "You know, Josh handed me a note just before he died.  I haven't looked at it, but knowing Josh, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration here for us all."  He opened the note, and lovingly read, "You're standing on my oxygen tub..."

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM: Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle
chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you
need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto." Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

Here was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK*  bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

A small-town patrolman stopped a motorist for speeding and approached the driver.  Peering into the back seat, he saw a large collection of knives, machetes, and swords.  Thinking he had some
wacko on his hands, the policeman placed a cautious hand on his firearm and asked the man to step out of the car.  When queried about the contents of the back seat, the driver replied, "Oh, those!
Officer, I'm a juggler and those are part of my act."  Skeptical, the policeman thought he would call the man's bluff. "If you can juggle these here machetes like you say, I'll let you off", the officer says.  Well, sure enough, the driver IS a juggler, and his hands explode into a dizzying frenzy of spinning, twirling, flying blades, reflecting brilliantly in the afternoon sun!  The blades fly behind his back, under his legs & over his head, in seamless fluid motion.  He even tosses an apple into the fray and quarters it without missing a beat... As this is occurring, a man driving by says to his wife, "Martha,
it's a good thing I gave up drinkin'... look at the sobriety test they're giving now!"

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER: 1.  I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer 2.  Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.  Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4.  Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! 5.  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 6.  I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 7.  Bad cop! No doughnut! 8.  You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?  9.  Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all byyourself!"

A priest, who was an avid golfer, decided to play hooky one Sunday morning and sneak off to the links alone. St. Peter, looking down, discovered him and immediately reported him to God.
"I can't believe Father McKenzie would skip his sermon." St. Peter said. A few minutes later the padre scored a hole-in-one. St. Peter, outraged, complained to God, "The guy is
breaking the Sabbath and instead of punishing him, You reward him with a hole-in-one!?"God answered, "Who's he going to tell?"

"Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my  5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that
really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a dead bat?

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old  gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer". He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Salesman: "Madam, you can buy this home freezer for what you save on your food bills." Housewife: "Yes, I know, but we are buying our car on the bus fares we save, our washing machine on the laundry bills we save, and our house on the rent we save. We just can't afford to save any more right now."

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen? 1st customer: I'll have tea. 2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean! (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

A burglar is prowling inside a very swanky house, shoving silver candlesticks and gold statuettes into his bag when he hears a voice call, "JESUS! JESUS!" He wonders if his conscience is kicking in. He decides it's not and keeps loading up his bag with loot. Just as he's loading up the diamonds, he hears it again: "JESUS! JESUS!" He gets nervous and makes his way through the house to leave. Upon entering the dining room, he sees a parakeet sitting on an emerald perch."JESUS!" says the parakeet. "You talk?" says the burglar."You bet," says the bird. "What's your name?" says the thief."Sylvia," answers the bird. "SYLVIA?!? Now what kind of stupid people would name a bird 'Sylvia'?" asks the burglar. "Same kind of stupid people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a gasp-- ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

Billy Joe and Billy Ray went to the big city to get jobs. had been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at the same firm. They had finished filling out the applications and were waiting to see the owner. Billy Ray was called in first. The owner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears, just two tiny holes in the sides of his head. The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Ray looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You ain't got no ears!" The owner jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and threw him out of his office. Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went over to help his friend up. "What happened?" Billy Joe told him, "What ever you do - don't talk about his ears!" Just then, the intercom buzzed and the secretary told Billy Joe he could go in. Once again the owner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Joe "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You wear contacts!" The owner stood up in amazement. "That's awesome perception! How could you tell that from way over there?" "Its obvious" said Billy Joe "You can't wear glasses, you ain't got no ears!"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?" "Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son." The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son." Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC - "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Many years ago in the country of France there was this poor conductor who had a route on a train. He traveled this route many times and soon a wealthy young lady is getting on and eventually starts sitting in the seat right behind him. They start to talk and they fall in love. One day the poor conductor asks the rich lady to marry him. The rich lady said that she can't possibly marry him because he simply doesn't have enough money. So he asks the rich lady to give him just 3 years to get enough money and she agrees. So, for 3 long years the poor conductor doesn't eat breakfast. He saved all the money that he would spend on food for breakfast. when finally the 3 years was up, He asked the rich lady to marry him again, and she said that he still doesn't have enough money. So, again he asks her to wait 3 more years. For the next 3 years, the poor conductor doesn't eat breakfast or lunch and saved all the money he would have spent on breakfast and lunch. After these 3 years were up, he asks her to marry him and again she declines because he just doesn't have enough money for her. So he mutilated her and went to jail. After his trial was over and he was waiting to be electrocuted, the prison guard comes in a says that this was to be his last meal on earth and asked what he wanted. The poor conductor asked for a good old American Thanksgiving meal with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce, a piece of pumpkin pie, a cup of black coffee, and a cigar; and so he ate his turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, and ate the piece of pumpkin pie, drank his cup of black coffee, and smoked the cigar. The next morning, the prison guard came to take him to be electrocuted, but when they flipped the switch nothing happened! They took the prisoner back to the cell and checked the electric chair and found nothing wrong. That night the Prison guard came back and said that this was going to be his last meal on earth and asked what he wanted. So the poor conductor said that he wanted Roast beef, corn, mashed potatoes, a piece of apple pie, a cup of black coffee, and a cigar. So he ate the roast beef, the corn, and the mashed potatoes. He ate the apple pie, drank the cup of black coffee, and smoked the cigar. The following morning, the prison guard came to take him away to the electric chair. After he was put in they flipped the switch and nothing happened again. So they took him back to his cell to figure out what happened and nothing was wrong with the chair. That night the prison guard came to see what he wanted to eat for his last meal on earth, and the prisoner said that he wanted breakfast for his last meal. So he had a huge stack of pancakes with real maple syrup, bacon, and sausage, a cup of black coffee, and a cigar. And so he ate the huge stack of pancakes with real maple syrup, bacon and sausage, drank the coffee and smoked the cigar. The next morning he went to the electric chair and they flipped the switch and nothing happened. By this time the prison guards were totally boggled and confused. And so the guy in the chair said "I tried to tell you that I'm a poor conductor."

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads!"
 
 

How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ___ The cat is on Valium.

4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

7. ___ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

9. ___ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.
 
 

30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0- 9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered voice on the first ring, "Hello?" "Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked. "Yes", whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by this delay. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." "Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss impatiently asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed voice the child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low whisper, "They're looking for me!"

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

From a jokes webring

Bob Dumbo was confused about monkeys and how they walked, so he asked his older sister, Ima Dumbo. She said, "I think monkeys walk on four legs, but go check with Mom." So Bob went to see Mrs. Dumbo. "Mom," he said. "Ima says monkeys walk on four legs. What do you think?" Mrs. Dumbo replied, "Well, I'm not sure, but I think monkeys walk on two legs. Why don't you ask your father?" Bob found Mr. Dumbo and asked, "Mom says monkeys walk on two legs, and Ima says they walk on four legs. What do you think?" Mr. Dumbo thought a moment and answered, "Well, let's compromise and say that monkeys walk on three legs." "Okay," said Bob. As an afterthought, he asked, "Dad, is there a special name for animals that walk on three legs?" "Of course there is, son," said Mr. Dumbo. "They're called tripods."

From Wendy

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