This is a parody of submission guidelines section of Morton's Basics, made by Wendy. This is not the true feelings of the Lemmy's Land administration, and hopefully is not the true feelings of the author. It is suggested that you compare this to the original.

Alright, tourists, listen up! Each week Lemmy gets about two submissions, but he doesn't care enough to post both of them... he has empty space to stare into after all. That means some submissions have to be shredded, eaten by the dog, ignored, set fire to... whoops! You weren't supposed to hear that. You really don't want to put your hand in *there*, so I'm going to distract you with boring legalese. I can't tell you what disturbing fantasies Lemmy wastes his time on - that's classified - but at least I can tell you how to make $1000 a week working from home.

This page will contain some of the laws for submitting to Lemmy's Land, and will also contain a lot of small print. Hopefully this will deter you from ever attempting to submit, but if it doesn't I'll be happy to send you
additional literature.

1. Short and Simple: You. Learn these things.

1A. Rules Change, and Have: Just about every other day, Lemmy changes the rules, usually to confuse you personally. This has become necessary because you're just too darn smart. Because of this, you might send law-abiding submissions that Lemmy would actually have to look at. For example, you might interview a Mario-related character. That is why, at press time, Lemmy now only accepts Interviews of sentient seaweeds.

Lemmy has sometimes been tricked into posting nonsense by tourists who pose riddles until Lemmy's tiny brain explodes, but Lemmy is combatting this strategy by employing several Sphinxes who will solve the puzzles and then eat the intruders. This means that you can't assume today's tourist will be here tomorrow. It should be noted that Lemmy does not typically feed the Sphinxes anything other than sneaky tourists, so they are hungry.

1B. The Lavender Rule: Rules exist because you can't control your destructive impulses, but that's rather irrelevant to this page. While Lemmy usually does his best to follow the beat, he may occasionally play a song completely off-tempo. Try to get it through your head that Lemmy is tone-deaf and he's really responsible for that horrible "music" that Ludwig is always blamed for. Regardless of Lemmy's aural deficiencies, you must
smile and nod appreciatively. If you cover your ears he will become furious and force you to watch him perform a one-man opera. Nevertheless, in the end Lemmy's lack of musical talent has nothing to do with whether your submission will be posted.

It should be noted that Lemmy will occassionally give special prizes to especially polite audiences.

2. Submission Requirements: The following things must appear in any work of great literature. They are listed in order of importance to sustaining life; if you don't satisfy them, your work will not be accepted because you are dead.

2A. Mario Content: Some sites on the Internet consider themselves "graphic-intense" or "Top 100 Lard-Related" sites. Lemmy's Land could never hope to be one of them. Obviously any site featuring the letter E is going to have tie-ins with vowels and the Roman alphabet in general, but Lemmy's Land is not affiliated with those things. This means that regardless of the subject of your work, a literary critic will be able to find hidden references to Mario. Blatant Mario content makes his job way too easy; don't do it.

Lemmy is not madly in love with male characters or characters with ridiculous accents (both of these groups are likely to be dorky losers), and he dislikes authors taking credit for their own work even more (unless the
author is himself, of course). Interesting, well-thought-out characters probably shouldn't be in the starring role of your submission, because Lemmy has difficulty following the sort of complex plot lines that tend to go with things like that. For a list of acceptable simplistic character traits, check Lemmy's Lifestyles.

The Mario content requirement applies to everything ever published, no exceptions. Lemmy's Loafers and Lemmy's Lollipops do not have written content, and are not published. Lemmy's Lumberjacks have a very strong union and follow different rules.

2B. Family Friendly: This is a lenient one, and of all the lenient rules this has probably been ignored the most over the years because Lemmy only ever had it because it looked good. Lemmy's Land has a secret handshake, and part of it is a complicated thumb-wiggling move that most visitors will never master. (At the moment, Lemmy's Lemonade Stand is only available to users capable of drinking.) What this means is that all submissions must appear to be high-quality at first glance. A few paragraphs of exemplary writing is perfectly acceptable, as no one important will bother to scroll down. Lemmy tries his best to look like an upstanding citizen when he's in the public view.

There are three big rules to keep in mind when sending your submission:

-No antiquated violence: Stop with the bows and arrows. No one fights like that anymore. Lemmy's life is graphic, in that he uses semi-automatic rifles and atomic bombs. You should try them too.

-No being smart: If it's even a remotely intelligent word, Lemmy won't accept it. If a character must use a word that the average 8-year-old would not know, please just substitute a shorter word. If Lemmy has to look for a dictionary, it's unacceptable.

-No adults: Today's consumer does not want to read about those who might be considered "of mature age". Write about young people.

If a submission has a few easy-reading infractions - for example, an untranslated foreign word - Lemmy will usually edit it to an acceptable condition. However, if he doesn't know the language used - say, a character
shouted "Mama mia!" - Lemmy will usually just trash the whole thing. If a story is not even close to being acceptable under the simplicity guidelines, Lemmy tends to give up after a few sentences. So don't bother writing something like that, ok? No one's impressed by your smartiness.

2C. Original Work: Breaking this rule is probably the quickest way to get respect from intelligent readers, as an unfortunate few have already found out. Simply put, don't expend any more effort than you have to. This
includes plagiarizing, stealing from other websites, and bugging other people to do the work for you. If you submit something you didn't make, good job! Extra points for a work stolen in entirety. The point is that, if you can get Koopaling votes for copying and pasting someone else's labor, who comes out the winner?

Tourists who break this rule once will be told that Lemmy is very disappointed in them and will be grounded for the weekend. Tourists who are caught being creative after this punishment is served will be sent far, far
away. Lemmy will never speak to these tourists again. If you're ever not certain as to whether something counts as original work, you're already thinking too much. Just send the thing in.

Anyone who helps Lemmy spot rare birds will be rewarded with a form-letter thank-you note, so if you see an ivory-billed woodpecker, let Lemmy know right away. Please do not shoot the bird; Lemmy is not into taxidermy. All tips will be broadcast to the larger birding community.

Equally important, and far more relevant than the last paragraph, is that your submission must include nouns and verbs. It must not shock the tourists with unconventional grammar. What I mean is, your submission should include things like correct spelling and punctuation. If the strong point of your submission is not using any capital letters, then it will be edited back to standard written English. Unless Lemmy is too lazy. Just make his life easier and don't do anything artistic-license-y like that.

Lack of originality doesn't count as conformity, because an uprising could start at any time. For example, someone might suddenly use a British spelling of a word. Nonetheless, the rebels will be crushed. If you are
worried that you might be having an original thought, the best thing to do would probably be to watch some of the mind-numbing Lemmy's Land television programming. Of course you could also knock yourself unconscious, but then you are not productively following Lemmy's orders.

Incidentally, attempting to escape from Lemmy's Land is punishable by death, because you have broken two laws at once: thinking originally and the attempt to escape itself. You won't receive a warning, you'll just be shot, because ignorance of the law is not a defense. You've been warned.

2D. Size Sensitive: Like an apple, Lemmy's Land obeys the laws of gravity. Organisms here reach a certain size limit; anything above that is impractical. In addition, some tourists are single-celled life forms. If you
weigh over 100 tons, ask the Lemmy's Land management about special accomodations. If you weigh over 1,000 tons, we cannot allow you in the park, as the attractions are simply not designed for someone so ridiculously obese.

The size-sensitive requirement applies to most worlds - that is, places with atoms and visible objects. Rocks weighing over 100 tons are more likely to have a problem with the time-sensitive requirement, as in general they do not move very fast. Additionally, Lemmy is aware that sentient beings for Lemmy's Life Forms may be quite complex and difficult to engineer, and will likely accept submissions that aren't quite right.

2E: Time Sensitive: As I muttered when no one was listening, Lemmy doesn't have time for a game of cricket now. This goes double and triple for exceedingly dull game partners - say, that long-winded old bore who always talks about his intestinal disorders. Lemmy usually hits wickets in the correct order, but he may spend hours lining up a very difficult shot, causing dozens of other parties to stack up behind him. He never allows anyone to play through. Be patient, ok?

If you do have a long submission, one thing you can do is delete all the unimportant parts. Submissions are much quicker to deal with when they're only a hundred words long. If you must have a developed plot with steady pacing, try to at least leave out the boring dialogue. Also, be reasonable and spare Lemmy descriptions of the landscape... he doesn't care. You might also give Lemmy a nice, bullet-pointed synopsis of your story. In short, make things easy for him and he'll continue to be lazy.

2F: High Quality: Back when Lemmy's Land opened, Lemmy was desperate for attention and would talk to nearly anybody who so much as looked at him. As the number of doting fans have increased into the thousands, however, Lemmy has become less and less interested in fostering any actual relationships. No longer is slowing down enough; now you must pander to his every whim.

This is the hardest task you will face in your life because Lemmy is so picky. But don't worry: if you fail, you're replaceable. Lemmy also likes to make you do things over for his own sick pleasure, even if your work was already perfect. You'll never know what he's really thinking, however, so don't try to guess what he's going to ask for.

3. Specific Requirements: While the above laws apply equally to everybody, some laws apply only to the less equal people.

3A. Fun Fiction vs Scribble: Of all the sections, these two are probably the oldest. In fact, many of the earliest Fun Fics can be carbon-dated. I would explain this fascinating process, but instead, let me say that a Fun Fiction is not necessarily more advanced than a Scribble; they are just relics of different civilizations. Tourists are sometimes intolerant of these strange cultures, but that should not be the case: both the Scribblers and the Fun Fictionites made many contributions to science and the arts.

If you're wondering why Lemmy awards seventy votes for a Fun Fiction and just two-and-a-half for a Scribble, it's because he is interested in numerology. Strictly speaking, the whole thing is nonsense. However, Lemmy believes that those numbers of votes, combined with the type of submission, are auspicious.

Character Development: In a Fun Fiction, the main character will likely undergo some sort of horrible mutation, or a change from their natural state will be forced upon them; this change usually allows the character to glow in black light. In Scribbles characters usually leave the story by the same door they came in, but with slightly more money in their pockets.

Official vs Unofficial Characters: In a Fun Fiction, all or nearly all of the characters are probably Mario or his evil clones. If there is an unofficial character, it is probably Luigi. A Scribble is more likely to feature unlikely superheroes, especially those thrown together by chance, attempting to save the world. Of course, the author of a Scribble must be careful to give them unbeatable powers.

Style: A Fun Fiction will probably have an author, maybe a title, and a feedback form. A Scribble may appear out of nowhere and arrive in Lemmy's mailbox, just a weird fluke, but the author of a Fun Fiction will likely
demand credit. As a result, a Fun Fiction is less likely to bring glory to Lemmy's name, and so he'll be grouchy about posting it. The story in a Fun Fiction will probably be fictional, and it will probably be viewed as a universal tale of the human condition. Scribbles may be written in binary, exactly what you would expect for something that appeared randomly out of the Internet. The writing style of a Fun Fiction can usually be considered slightly more show-offy as well.

Character Accuracy: Barring the requisite mutation, characters in a Fun Fiction will probably look like they do in the games and shows. Scribble characters may forget their table manners (as long as someone cleans up the resultant mess), regardless of what company they're in. For example, Toad may fling peas in a Scribble (at Mario of course), but in Fun Fiction people just don't do that sort of thing.

3B: Interviews: Only actual political figures may be interviewed. Lemmy may accept an Interview of a candidate seen on the news, but only if he supports that candidate's platform. Additionally, Interviews are supposed to present a biased view of the interviewee; as such, Interviews should be heavily edited to slant the actual responses given. Good questions are those that force the politician into a trap. "What color is your chair?" is not a good question because the answer is unlikely to alienate anyone. If your politician has more than one opinion, be sure to portray them all as negatively as possible.

Tourists can interview politicians that have been interviewed by other tourists, but a given tourist can only interview a given politician once unless they make illegal campaign donations. In the past Lemmy would ignore this practice, but now he demands 10% for himself. So pay up.

3C. Larry's Bios: Previously called Larry's Free Stuff before Lemmy got sued for false advertising. Larry's Bios is for tourists who mistakenly believe that other people want to know about them. For example, if you have an ego the size of Australia, you might include a picture so admirers can stare at your likeness all day. You are also welcome to slander other tourists, as long as there's no more sueing.

Larry's Bios is only for people who know their own names. You must produce two forms of ID before you are eligible for a bio.

Larry's Bios is only for wealthy patrons and friends invited by tourists. Since tourists from rival websites are scorned, they are not eligible for a bio. Don't even acknowledge their existence.

3D: Mysteries and Quizzies: Lemmy cannot solve a Mystery or Quizzie without a cheat sheet. If you make Lemmy think on his own, he'll only become frustrated. Mysteries and Quizzies will not be accepted for at least two weeks after Lemmy throws a fit. If a Mystery or Quizzie answer is later proved wrong, the author may be stripped of all titles and awards.

All Quizzies must have 1 question (and only 1 question); it must be easy so Lemmy is able to answer it.

3E: Reviews:  Lemmy will accept a Review of any restaurant, serving any cuisine, because it didn't make sense to review every McDonald's in the world. To avoid gaining fifty pounds a week, however, Lemmy will delete all Reviews instead of reading them. Actual food offerings will be eaten or refrigerated at Lemmy's discretion.

All Reviews should contain lively discussions of sports, co-workers, politics, and anything else pertinent to dinnertime conversation. Non-fast-food Reviews should include some background information, such as
how to behave in a two-star dining establishment. If the restaurant does not have a children's menu, your Review must say so. In the case of a popular restaurant, please include the telephone number for reservations.

Discussions should be non-controversial. Don't anger your readers with concrete statements about the subject matter. You must have ordered a significant portion of the menu before reviewing. While not required, ideally you should finish the meal and wait a week or two, as indigestion is likely to fade, allowing you to remain upright. Each dish should be eaten entirely. If you ate 6 out of 10 meatballs, explain how you managed to drop the other 4. Also, a word to the wise: if you eat 10 meatballs, you will regret it later.

"Previews" is not an acceptable spelling of "previous". Reviews of ice cream parlours are acceptable. Obviously a stricter exercise regimen will be in order, but weight-loss pills can work wonders. Lemmy cannot be bothered by Reviews for other goods and services.

3F: Invisible Submissions: The guidelines for invisible submissions are a lot stricter than for other submissions. This is because Lemmy doesn't have the power to see invisible stuff, and he has no idea what he's posting. Of course Lemmy can and will read your mind to get the gist of what you wrote, but doing so gets immoral because it often results in permanent brain damage for the tourist. Therefore, Lemmy accepts invisible submissions from tourists who agree to this dangerous procedure.

Doing so, however, is tantamount to suicide. There is no guarantee that Lemmy will even *try* to use his power safely. As a result, you must be sure that he likes you enough to care about your well-being. In addition, you must make sure that he is sober. Lemmy must never use telepathy when he is not sober. If an author ignores this advice, their life is in Lemmy's careless hands.

In truth, these rules only apply to text-based submissions, like Fun Fiction, Lemmy's Lyrics, and Lemmy's Limericks. Invisible submissions for other sections are not acceptable because a blank graphic is not art. For example, a comic for the Funnies generally relies on images to convey a message. If the picture is invisible, the submission may not look like anything. Nevertheless, these rules apply to all sections, so good luck suckering Lemmy into posting a blank graphic in the Art Museum.

4. Submission Odds and Ends: If I didn't swear on my life, I won't follow through on the promise. Even if I do swear, I might go back on my word.

4A. Accepted Filetypes: Difficult to pronounce, Lemmy loves lollipops like lily lumps. If you can't say that three times fast, well, neither can I. More importantly, some things that normal people can pronounce, Lemmy can't, and he hates giving people access to things that he can't understand himself. Below is a short list of the limited things Lemmy can understand. If the spirits tell you that you will be sending some other kind of submission, you should beg Lemmy to accept that work.

For tripod-based submissions, balance is not an issue. You can also put the object to be balanced directly on the ground; this is preferred.

Accepted colors for graphic submissions include black and white, which are high-contrast, as well as red, blue, and green. The latter shades will be converted to gray-scale if accepted. Please do not use any puce, lavender, or mother-of-pearl. These colors are very difficult to identify. They make Lemmy sad.

Top-secret submissions should be submitted in clearly-stamped or self-destructing envelopes.

Any valid credit card can be sent via registered mail. But you should only send a credit card if the available balance is very high, as otherwise it isn't worth the risk of Lemmy getting arrested. Blank checks are especially welcome, as they are much easier to use.

If your home-based sport includes dugouts and foul poles, rather than pretend like it's some kind of novel activity, just admit that you've reinvented baseball. For example, you might write ~*I'm calling that thing in the middle the "volcatillo!"*~ as long as you tell Lemmy that you really mean the pitcher's mound, and why you're using the weird asterisks and tilde marks. This is helpful to Lemmy because he can't guess what you're referring to by "that thing in the middle", and his assistant is laughing too hard to explain it to him. An alternative is to just go back to the big-screen TV in your living room, you pathetic Cubs fan. If you really think you've got something new, call the patent office and let them deal with it.

4B. Revisions: From coast to coast, people feel an irresistible urge to throw garbage at submissions. It might be because they're so awful (the submissions... or maybe the people), or maybe because of how Lemmy formatted them. If you feel such an urge, please resist it.

For Lemmy to send clean-up crews, the garbage pile must be big enough to generate its own gravity, or Lemmy will just continue to ignore the public health hazard. If Lemmy can still see the submission by moving only a little garbage, he'll act like he doesn't understand his tourists' complaints about the mess.

Garbage on submissions will usually remain there until it biodegrades, but Lemmy might root through it for stuff to take home, and he will certainly refuse all offers by tourists to clean his Land on a volunteer basis. If you are outraged by Lemmy's environmental policies, you are in good company.

Political lobbies are hardly ever given an audience in Lemmy's office, so be sure to bring signs big enough for him to read from his upstairs window. If you want immediate action, you can speed up the process by offering a large bribe. For example, you might hand over the combined life savings of your entire organization. This makes the process of becoming bankrupt a lot faster, because Lemmy will gladly accept all your money. He'll probably still not talk about the issue at hand, though, so maybe this isn't a very good strategy after all. You wouldn't have to bother if you weren't such a hippie activist; then it would be much easier for Lemmy to rule in peace.

If the dangerous radicalism is not your ideology but Lemmy's - that is, Lemmy is a tyrannical despot who nobody ever voted for and who has no business being in public office - you can try to leave the Land. Emigration laws are pretty strict, though, so you'd better just get used to it.

4C. Removing Submissions: Lemmy hates bad weather, but on occasion it does rain in his Land. This happens because no tourist has yet invented a working weather control system. If you want to try, simply send Lemmy the blueprints and sign over complete ownership of the idea to him.

Please remember that you will never receive credit for your brilliant invention. If you are a Nobel Prize winner, you might be required to hand over your award, on Lemmy's whim.

Please also note that Lemmy only wants a weather control system that gives him complete dominion over the vast tract of country surrounding his Land, including Google.com, E-Bay, and Wikipedia. Minor territories, such as the Shakespearean Insult Generator, several Blogs, and Weather Underground, aside from being easy to conquer, are usually considered fun to torment because they're too small to fight back. If you happen to be a citizen of one of those nations, you may ask your ambassador to negotiate with Lemmy for fair treatment. Lemmy will probably refuse, while laughing maniacally.

On slow days, Lemmy may decide to annex a smaller nation to his Land. This could lead to bizarre "sections" dedicated to such things as liberal arts colleges, science factoids, or tumbleweeds. (This explains the so-called "Spirit Page": a nation celebrating an alleged "National Brotherhood Week" was accidentally frozen in time while being annexed.) Tourists will normally be charged a duty tax when bringing back souvenirs from these annexed territories.

If you are reading this paragraph, you are probably literate. I acknowledge your educated status, but I don't have to like it. I hope this guide made you more confused than you already were... now you won't bother Lemmy with submissions. Now go away and let him get on with examining his toe-lint.

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