All right, tourists, shut up and listen! Every century Lemmy gets about 1 submission, but deletes it for no reason. Here are some pointless guidelines to not follow in case you want Lemmy to consider not deleting your submission before he does it anyway.

1. Stupid and Pointless: LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!

1A. Rules Constantly Change: About every 5 seconds, Lemmy decides to change the rules just to make you angry. This has become necessary since Lemmy has fun doing it. For instance, about 10 minutes ago, Lemmy allowed you to interview Mario, but since his anti-Mario rant that started about 9:55 minutes ago, he now only accepts Interviews with that school lunch that looks you in the eye.

It’s also worth mentioning that it’s super easy to trick Lemmy into changing the rules so that they’re the way you want, however. Just say “It will make me very angry”, and in 5-4-3-2-1 POOF! The rules are exactly the way you want them!

1B. The Gladiator Rule: Fighting is the only solution.

2. Submission Requirements: Here’s how to make Lemmy hate you.

2A. Mario Content: As of 10.35 seconds ago, it is illegal for tourists to send in a submission containing any Mario character. At all. If you do you’ll be banned from Lemmy’s Land for life, and Lemmy will hunt you down and kill you in your sleep.

However, Lemmy loves it if you put some random loser with no life named “Blubbernugget” in as the main character. He will hate you a little less if you do this.

2B. Family Friendly: This is a microscopic one, and it has been changing every millisecond since time began. Lemmy hates Family Friendliness, so here are 3 things that Lemmy would love for a submission to have:

-Use Extreme Graphic Violence: Lemmy loves this stuff, especially when all of the blood and gore is explained in extreme detail. Make sure that Blubbernugget get tortured to death, ok? It will make Lemmy hate you a little less.

-Use Swearing: As everyone knows, expanding one’s vocabulary is one of the best things to do! Therefore, every submission must use the nastiest, most inappropriate language that it can. Together, we can make Lemmy feel smart (even though he can never really be smart).

-No Vegetables: This will make Lemmy puke all over your submission.

2C. Original Work: Lemmy hates working for money. So, what can you do to make Lemmy hate you less? Go out and rob a bank, of course!

2D. Size Sensitive: Like the universe, Lemmy’s Land is limitless. So if your image file isn’t large enough to crash Lemmy’s computer, he won’t accept it.

2E. Time Sensitive: As stated before, Lemmy’s Land is limitless, so if your submission doesn’t take a lifetime to read, it’s instantly banished.

2F. High Quality: If it doesn’t win a Golden Koopa award, Lemmy will print out your submission and burn it, laughing maniacally. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

3. Specific Requirements: Some rules apply only if you want to learn the Macarena. If you can’t learn the Macarena, just give up trying to send something in. Lemmy already hates you.

3A. Fun Fiction Vs. Scribble: Fun Fictions are better. End of story. If your submission “doesn’t make it” into Fun Fiction and is turned into a Scribble, don’t feel bad. It just means your submission was horrible and that you’re a terrible writer.

3B. As of 12:50 minutes ago, it is illegal to interview a Mario character, as I stated before. You will be banned if you do so. Now tourists may only interview that disgusting school lunch that looks you in the eye. Also, all Interviews must be done by Blubbernugget. If he’s not the interviewer, Lemmy will steal your Halloween candy.

3C. Larry’s Bios: Bios are illegal. Now go away.

3D. Mysteries and Queries: Look, if Blubbernugget isn’t brutally murdered in it, then Lemmy won’t post it. Also, if Lemmy can’t solve it, then it will be trashed as well, since no one cares how much of a nerd you are.

3E. Reviews: If you need to read if a game is good before you buy it, then you obviously need to grow up. So the game is rated M for extreme graphic violence? If you can read the Lemmy’s Land submissions, then you can handle anything.

3F: Incomplete Submissions: If it’s not complete, then Lemmy will hate you forever. Now, get off your lazy butt and get working! If it’s not done in 10 seconds I’ll rob your house and eat all of your food.

4. Submission Odds and Ends: If I haven’t said it before, then your loss.

4A. Accepted File types:  Lemmy doesn’t know how to open files. If you want Lemmy to get your submission, you must mail it to him in a Manila envelope. This way Lemmy will know what your address is in case he doesn’t like your submission.

4B. Revisions: If you really need to rewrite something, then you fail at writing. Now go make me a sandwich.

4C. Removing Submissions: Don’t worry. Lemmy does this anyway. Why? Because he hates you all!

If you made it to this paragraph then you have no life. Go to a movie, ride a roller coaster, do homework, ANYTHING! Just get off your lazy butt and away from the computer!
 

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