Survivor

By Lemmy Koopa

Days 4 - 6

Day 4

Mario Gang

Mario: Cocka doodle doo!

Mario, Moron: I'm a good rooster!

The King, King: I'm afraid of roosters, because I'm chicken. So Wario must go!

Luigi: What a happy dream! I dreamt that we got rid of Toad!

Peach: It's too bad we can get rid of only one person every three days.

Yoshi, Food Analyst: It's too bad we have to get up so early. It's not like we're getting anything done anyway.

Peach, Princess: I think everyone needs to go so I can get out of these smelly overalls.

Waluigi: Yeah, and only if we-

Wario: Does anyone remember what we had been doing before we were so rudely interrupted?

Mario: I believe I was swimming the Black Lagoon.

Luigi, Plumbus Wettus: I was hoping to avoid references to water, because I- uh oh…

Peach: Good, you go do that.

Mario jumps into the latrine.

Wario, Strategist: It's all too simple! If I make myself look like the opposite of Mario, I'm sure to win!

Peach: Ugh!

Luigi: It's worse than that. He did that in the overalls you are now wearing.

The King: Is it just me, or is someone missing?

Waluigi: Yeah nimrod, we got rid of-

Yoshi: Toad gone? Yoshi eat Toad?!

Wario: Forget about Toad! The point is, I have his hundred bucks. Now maybe we can bribe Lemmy into letting us out of here.

Luigi: I think Lemmy is getting paid a lot more than that by the TV stations.

Peach: We're on TV?! I don't have a thing to wear!

Mario: What are you talking about? I gave you my overalls!

Yoshi: Yoshi think gang should choose leader, get things done.

Wario: Good idea! I nominate… me!

Yoshi: Yoshi think-

Luigi: Me!

Waluigi: How about-

Mario: So long-a, Bowsa!

The King: Bowser? Where?

Waluigi, Scaredy Cat: I hope no one is watching this show.

Koopa Troop

Larry: I'm voting you off, Susan!

Susan: I love the way he speaks.

Larry: What?! You're still here?

Morton: Yeah, because thanks to her we won the challenge yesterday! Ooh, I could kill her, because certainly someone nasty would go, like Susan or Ludwig or maybe you, Larry. I mean, no one really likes you though we tend to keep you around for your spying abilities, but we haven't been doing much of that, have we? No, we have not, and furthermore, Wendy, …

Larry, Spy: One good thing about Morton is that it is easy to get away when he is taking up people's attention. I have everything worked out now.

Ludwig: What we need here is a plan.

Bowser: What we need here is some quiet!

Iggy: I agree with King Dad! Who else wants to be quiet?

Roy, Heavyweight Contender: I see the way everyone is looking at me… but they don't know that I secretly brought some food! Yup, it's right here in that sack over where Larry is standing now.

Wendy: Not Morton… hey! Listen up! I think we should go ransack Mario's camp.

Iggy: But… but that's against the rules!

Bowser, Tyrant: That's the problem with Iggy, he cares about rules. Now Roy doesn't care one bit! I'm proud of him.

Wendy: Aw, but if you disagree, you'll be ruining your strategy! Too bad.

Iggy: I'm in!

Ludwig: I don't like your idea, Wendy.

Morton, Philosopher: It is too bad that they didn't listen to my speech, because if they had listened to my speech they would eventually have heard some incredible ideas, but since they did not listen to my speech they did not hear the incredible ideas which I had and which I was going to tell about through my speech.

Roy: Hey, now! Kookie, that's a coherent sentence!

Ludwig: … I'll thank you to call me Ludwig.

Roy: Yeah? Well I'll thank YOU with my fist!

Susan: Shut up! Ludwig is right. I mean, this is a game after all.

Ludwig, Genius: That's right, praise my intellect. I'll keep Susan around longer, but it's only a matter of 35 days until I'm the only one here.

Susan, Pain in the Neck: Don't be so sure! I intend to be here, too!

Ludwig, Genius: And I thought Larry was the spy.

Bowser: Fine then, game over. Bed time!

Roy: Ya think this is a game?! Why… I want them coins!

Ludwig: Affirmative, but you are familiar with Lemmy. If we do anything bordering on illegitimate, he'll probably possess the reward for his own pleasure.

Morton: In place of Lemmy, who is not here at the moment, I will translate and reiterate for you. Ludwig has announced the wise sagely statement that-

Iggy, Paper Weight: They all think I'm so weak, but I'm the only one who can withstand all the messed up dialogue. I'll be the only one here after Morton and Ludwig destroy each other! But then, who will there be two agree with?

Roy: I understood! It just gives me a headache.

Wendy: Sure it does!

Roy: Huh?

Larry: Oh, everyone knows you don't have anything between your ears.

Roy: What's that supposed to mean?

Bowser: It means you'd be out of here if you didn't have some muscle! Speaking of which, someone'd better get me some food.

Wendy: Agh!

Wendy, Beauty Queen: If we win the challenge on day six, I'll scream!

Larry: What? What is it?

Wendy: Sorry… just practicing.

Iggy: I'll find you some, any way I can!

Bowser: And a good beer.

Iggy: NO!

Roy: I'll take care of that.

Bowser: Good. Meet back here when you have some.

Wendy: Who's going anywhere?

Mario Gang

Luigi: Great plan, Yoshi! We haven't gotten a thing done!

Wario, Strategist: Maybe, maybe not. I've already stuffed the ballot box for day six!

Yoshi: It no Yoshi fault gang choose Mario!

Mario: I order that all cheese be delivered to me!

Luigi, Plumbus Wettus: I'm the big cheese around here, and that's why I'm going to win! But I've seen Yoshi and the Princess together. Our alliance had better hold! Maybe it will expand.

Waluigi: I think you cut enough-

Wario: This is dumb! I say we revolt!

Peach: All in all, we are pretty revolting.

Wario: Speak for yourself!

Waluigi, Scaredy Cat: I'm trying, but they still won't let me. Have you noticed that no one voted for me yesterday? It seems that no one knows that I'm here.

The King: Who?

Ding dong!

Mario, Moron: It's things like that which always make me mad. No matter which toe I speak to, I never get an answer!

Luigi: Ah no! If it's that guy again, I might lose it. Someone else get it.

Yoshi: Who get door last time?

Waluigi: You did! And I think that-

Mario: ME!

Yoshi: Yes, Yoshi remember Mario open door. Gang should vote off Mario!

Peach: But who will open the door this time?

Ding dong!

Wario: Don't look at me!

Peach: Well, we're definitely not going to vote again!

Luigi: I say The King does it!

Yoshi: K.

Peach: All right. Dad, go open the door.

Ding dong! ... Ding done! ... Ding dong!

Peach: Dad!

The King: Oh! Right!

The King opens the door.

Guy: Hi!

The King: Hello?

Guy: Yeah, it's me.

The King: Where?

Peach, Princess: I just thought I'd fulfill my duties on this show, but I don't really have anything to say. Um... I want to vote off Wario again, because he scares me.

Guy: Here!

The King: There?

Guy: No, here! Aw, never mind. Look, there's going to be a challenge tomorrow, so tell your mass this:

Back into the basement you'll go,
Where lots of water swiftly flows.
Stop up the pipes, and immunity
Will be yours, and you'll go scot free!

Got that?

The King, King: There once was a man in Nantucket, who- ah, I can never remember rhymes!

The King: No.

The King closes the door.

Luigi: Well? I've already gone eight times!

Later...

Wario: Hello?

The King: Ah! Yes, we have to go into the basement tomorrow and stop pipes to win.

Waluigi: That will be easy, because-

Peach: Oh no! We're sure to win!

Yoshi: Is competition tomorrow or today?

Wario: It must be tomorrow now, since he got the message last night.

Film Editor: Oops! Cut to Koopa Troop, day four!

Yoshi: Yoshi so hungry, Yoshi-

Koopa Troop

Morton: It's time for Operation Get King Dad Some Food And Beer Because He Wants It Which Is Why He Asked For It And That Is Why This Operation Exists For If Bowser Had Not Asked There Would Be No Reason To Do This But He Did Ask So We Need To Find Some Food And Beer.

Iggy: Also known as OGKDSFABBHWIWIWHAFIATIWTOEFIBHNATWBNRTDTBHDASWNTFSFAB!

Roy: Are you there? I can't hear anything!

Wendy: Shut up, all of you! We will never get anywhere like this! Just follow my command and we'll explore the whole camp in no time.

Susan, Pain in the Neck: Don't forget, she's really following my commands. But I always fall for Cheatsy!

Larry: Oh, I already did that. I didn't find a thing.

Ludwig: Au contraire! For, I saw you had numerous items of interest surrounding you whilst you were dormant. Since you are only allowed to possess one item upon entry, and since I tabulated more than eight independent items, I can only conclude that you found additional ones.

Ludwig, Genius: Don't ask how I know French. I suppose it's just the power of intellect.

Roy: Testing!

Susan: I'm going to have to stick with Wendy on this one. Actually not, because we will have to split up.

Wendy: Grr... I was NOT going to say that! Let's stay together in one group for protection... except for Morton and Susan and Ludwig.

Morton: Yeah, because no one likes Morton or Susan or Ludwig, and if they did then they would get to stay in the group, but no one likes them so they are being kicked out for today, but not for the whole competition, since that can only be done on days that are multiples of three, and today is day four and that is not a multiple of three, and- hey! I'm Morton!

Wendy, Beauty Queen: You let someone speak once, and they think they can speak whenever they want! Sheesh, this world is falling to the Marios!

Iggy: Also known as YBN-

Roy: Shut up! I'm outta here! I can't stand you freaks no more!

Wendy: Good, so we'll have two groups of three on the lookout, Bowser back at camp, and Roy somewhere. Sounds fine to me.

Larry: Nuh uh, because someone has to be around to get the door. I heard him going to the other camp.

Iggy, Paper Weight: I am sure glad that Larry is around to tell us this important stuff. I'd be lost without him!

Wendy: Fine, Roy will do that.

Roy: Help me!!!

Roy runs away.

Susan: Or... someone else could do it.

Morton, Philosopher: Aw, always posting responsibility on someone else. I used to do that but I have grown out of the habit, because giving someone else your work is just irresponsible, which is not it is not very responsible of that person, for if it was than it wouldn't be called irresponsible, it would just be called regular old responsible.

Wendy: Hey! I was going to say that!

Susan: Well, excuse me! I didn't see your name on that line!

Wendy: Yeah, well you're gonna see it all over your-

Ding dong!

Roy; Heavyweight Contender: I only ran away so that they wouldn't hear me scream when the doorbell rang. I'm afraid of doorbells, but since I made a good escape, my standing will not be hurt. Oh, and you'd better not post this quote!

Ludwig: All over her ding dong? What kind of diction is that?

Iggy: No, stupid, that's the door!

Larry: Ooh, Iggy's talking big!

Iggy: I'm feeling tough today!

Wendy: You're just glad that Roy's not here.

Larry, Spy: Fifty coins says Bowser is coming here. Ok, ok, so I looked ahead in the script! Reality show, ha!

Ludwig: So, who will contrive to answer the door?

Larry: No, the question is, who will be made to suffer?

Morton: And don't forget, for whom doth the bell toll? But let's not forget to consider the implications of who and whom, for they are vast, and it is important that we use them correctly. See, who is the subject, and whom is the-

Bowser: Shut up!

Ludwig: Whom is the shut up?

Wendy: Get your hearing checked.

Susan: Uncle Bowser! I thought you were sleeping.

Bowser: Yeah, until the door rung. Anyway, we need to practice for tomorrow's competition. We need to win!

Iggy: What competition?

Larry: And why win?

Bowser: It's for plumbing. It will be hard, but hopefully the other mass will throw it. We need to win so that we have a chance to be the last survivors. I know, we'll have to put up with each other, but for the extra money, I think it's worth it.

Ludwig: I never realized you were so intelligent, King Dad!

Bowser: Ludwig, dungeon!

Bowser, Tyrant: I want them all to go to the dungeon until they get me some food and some beer, but I'll go easy and only send down one every ten seconds.

Ludwig: We don't have one.

Bowser: Aw...

Susan: So how are we going to win?

Iggy: Let's sleep on it!

Day 5

Koopa Troop

Larry: Susan! I'm going to kill you!

Susan: I'm in love!

Ludwig, Genius: No one could sleep last night because Morton was conversing and Wendy was shrieking, but perhaps it turned out for the best. We actually did some preparation for today's competition.

Bowser: Ok, so let me see if I am getting this right. Ludwig, you know stuff about pipes, right?

Ludwig: Affirmative.

Bowser: So I'm going to take out Mario...

Roy: I'll get Luigi! I'll pulverize 'im!

Ludwig: And I'll correct the pipes.

Wendy, Beauty Queen: Apparently some people in the mass thought it was ok to wake me up so we could work on a plan. Hello? We need a consensus!

Wendy: If we are going to survive here, we first need to work on some manners!

Roy, Boxer: Wendy is not fitting into the mass very well. If we lose because of her... I'll knock the living < > out of 'er!

Larry: I've been listening through the walls, and I haven't heard Mario Gang planning anything.

Iggy, Paper Weight: I think we need to win this one. It's for a prize, and Mario doesn't deserve any.

Morton: We're ready! We're going to win! We're the best! We're the champions! We're unbeatable! We're-

Susan: Shut up!

Mario Gang

Waluigi, Scaredy Cat: After the guy came yesterday, I've been trying to get the mass to prepare... after all, we lost the last challenge. But no one seems to want to hear me out.

Waluigi: Don't you think we should-

Luigi: Princess! What do you think you're doing?!

Wario: ... Princess... interesting.

Peach: ... I'm sorry! I'm... not holding up well without food.

Yoshi, Food Analyst: Peach no doing very well, need food. Yoshi need food too. Need nice food prize, or Yoshi eat cameraman.

Peach: FOOD! Give me food!

Mario: I sure am glad that I don't act like that!

Wario, Strategist: I heard a little voice tell me that I should be paying attention to the games. No! I just need to win!

Waluigi: Maybe we should pay attention to the games because-

Wario: Ow! What's that ringing in my ears?

Mario: It's-a me, Mario!

Wario: ... Why?

Mario: Pick up!

Luigi, Plumbus Wettus: I saw Peach and Yoshi together again today, and I'm getting really worried. If Yoshi is still with me, why doesn't he invite me?

Yoshi: Peach have 3s?

Peach: Darn! Hey, where'd the cards come from?

Yoshi: Dime store in basement.

Luigi: Hey! Don't we have a challenge today?

Challenge

The camera pans around a carpeted room. There are a number of leaky pipes on the walls. Mario Gang and Koopa Troop appear on the scene at the same time and march down the stairs towards the camera. Although their missing member is small, Mario Gang looks obviously smaller than the other mass. Towards the front of both lines, Roy and Wario jostle each other for position.

Lemmy Koopa: Losers, welcome. Today we have a prize challenge. Whichever mass wins today will walk all the way back up the stairs with this can opener.

Cut to scene of the prize.

Iggy: Hey! We can actually use that!

Roy: Now we'd better win!

Yoshi: Who know how use can opener?

Luigi: I... saw one, once.

Lemmy Koopa: Here are the rules. To my left and right are two walls. Both have five leaky pipes, which somehow have been broken in the exact same way. Whichever tribe patches up all their pipes first, using whatever you want, wins. Koopa Troop, you have one more member than does Mario Gang, so one of your members will have to sit out.

Bowser: MORTON!

Ludwig: Actually, Morton might be of-

Bowser: I said, MORTON!

Ludwig: ... Ow, my ears.

Lemmy Koopa: Morton will sit out for Koopa Troop. Any questions?

Peach: How do you use a... can opener?

Lemmy Koopa: Sorry, I'm not allowed to tell you that. Losers ready? Go!

Mario Gang ambles over to their pipes on the left.

Wario: Mario, you're a plumber! Fix them!

Mario: Yeah, but... um... I don't have my lucky plunger.

Waluigi: Oh great!

Meanwhile, Ludwig has reached his pipes and is starting to patch them up with hair he is pulling from Iggy's head.

Iggy: Ow!

Ludwig: Co-operate! Bowser will harm you to a greater extent if we fail.

Luigi tries to fix a pipe by stuffing his hat into the crack. However, he is suddenly ambushed by Bowser, Roy, Larry, Susan, and Wendy, who tear up his hat and start beating him up.

Luigi: H- help!

Morton: Go team! Yeah Koopa Troop! We're going to win! Oh yeah! We're going to-

Everyone Else: Shut up!

Yoshi: Leave Luigi alone!

Roy: Heh! Time to take out the trash!

Roy takes Luigi and stuffs him into a pipe.

Bowser: Nice job, Roy! Now let's get the rest!

Ludwig: Ok! We plugged up the pipe! Keep the hair coming!

Iggy: But... but I'm all out!

Ludwig: Huh? Aw no! Fine, go get Susan and then help Bowser.

Iggy: Got you!

Peach: You can't do this! Lemmy!

Lemmy Koopa is reading a magazine. Bowser picks up Mario and stuffs him into a pipe.

Mario: I found my true calling!

Wario: Leave me alone! I won't look cool if you- glah!

Wendy and Susan stuff Wario into a pipe.

Iggy: Susan, Ludwig needs you!

Susan: Aw, how sweet! Wait for me, sweetykins!

Iggy: ... She better not have meant me.

Larry: You don't know how lucky you are she doesn't like you as much as me.

Peach is trying to pull Luigi out of his pipe.

Peach: Come on, we can still win!

That's because Ludwig has just finished his second pipe, this time using his own hair.

Susan: You look cute, Kookie.

Ludwig: You're next! Hair please.

Susan: NOO!

Yoshi: Oh, Yoshi wish Yoshi had food, la la!

Roy pulls Peach away from Luigi, and Bowser stuffs her into a pipe.

Larry: There's only one pipe left for us to stuff them into, but we still have Yoshi and The King left.

Bowser: Forget The King, he hasn't talked yet today anyway.

The King: I'm here! I just don't have any lines because I'm not allowed to think today! I really need to change that rule. But let's stop here so I can have a good long quote since I got jipped earlier. Um, let's see, I like boats.

Ludwig: Another pipe successfully plugged! Get... um... get Wendy's hairbow!

Susan: Got ya!

Yoshi: Koopa Troop never get AH!

Wendy, Iggy, Bowser, Roy, and Larry all rush Yoshi and stuff him into the last pipe.

Lemmy Koopa: Mario Gang wins!

Bowser: What?!

Morton: Yeah! What? Huh? Um? Hello? How in the? Who the?

Larry: Quiet!

Lemmy Koopa: All of Mario Gang's pipes are fixed.

Koopa Troop, The King, and Waluigi look towards Mario Gang's pipes. Sure enough, they are all fixed, or at least no water is leaking out.

Ludwig: Heh heh... miscalculation?

Bowser: Grr... LUDWIG!

Lemmy Koopa: Congratulations, Mario Gang, the can opener is yours!

Mario Gang: Yay.

Koopa Troop leaves in slow motion. After getting out of the pipes, a very soggy Mario Gang jumps and cheers out of the room, at the request and payment of the filming crew. They carry their prize in tote.

Koopa Troop

Iggy, Paper Weight: Losing that challenge was a tough break for us. We really needed that can opener.

Ludwig: There must be another way to open these cans!

Wendy: If anyone can open these cans, I promise never to write down that Koopa's name!

Roy tries to open the can by smashing it into Susan, but there is no useful effect.

Susan: Hey! Come on, let's think together!

Morton, Philosopher: I think that eventually they will have to just give us food so that we do not starve to death because if that happened there wouldn't be very much of a show now would there and then the viewers would want a refund and that would mess up the economy so we will soon get food in order so that we...

Larry: Look on the bright side. This is a great diet!

Ludwig: I wish I could agree, Larry, but actually starvation makes for a poor diet.

Susan, Pain in the Neck: It's people like him who really bring down the morale of this team. We need to go out there assuming we're up against a pack of wild carnivorous beasts, and it's harder to do that when we're feeling down.

Susan: Lighten up! Happy happy!

Iggy: ... Someone's lost it.

Roy: Hey, I just swallowed one of the cans!

Wendy: Is that safe?

Roy: Who cares! At least I won't be hungry.

Bowser: No! No more can swallowing!

Morton: Why not? How come? What gives?

Bowser: You could die of lead poisoning, and I want to commit some murders!

Bowser, Tyrant: There will be some bloodshed before these 42 days are up! If I don't, it will be done for the ratings.

Mario Gang

Yoshi: Aw, Yoshi 'barrassed!

Luigi: Who cares? We won!

Peach, Princess: Winning that challenge is really going to help this mass. I... um, I mean, we need food!

Wario: Ok, so let's get some food!

Mario: Ok!

Yoshi: Yoshi agree!

Ten minutes later...

The King: Dinnertime!

Mario: Goodie!

Luigi: Um... where's the food?

Yoshi, Food Analyst: It just like Lemmy to give mass useless prize. What do with can opener? Yoshi may as well eat can opener!

Waluigi: I think there might be cans in-

Mario: We're all gonna die!

The King, King: I want to vote off Wario. It was mean of him to say it was dinnertime when there's no food. Plus, yellow gives me headaches.

Wario: I think that we need cans to use the can opener.

Peach: Whatever! Let's just find some food!

Wario, Strategist: Aw, now it is all clear to me. I actually do know how to use a can opener... I think. Anyway, if I can find some food then I will be set in this mass. And I have a plan.

Mario, Moron: It's-a me, Mario, checking in!

Cameraman: ... Say something strategic!

Mario, Moron: Um... vote for me!

Day 6

Mario Gang

Yoshi: Oh! Yoshi hungry!

Peach: Yes… and Yoshi… you’re looking like… like… hmm…

Wario, Strategist: This is what they were saying, but little did they know that I had a plan!

Wario: I’m going out to catch a bear!

Waluigi, Scaredy Cat: Hello? Have we seen any bears? There is no wildlife in this building!

Waluigi: I don’t think there are any-

Mario: A bear?! Where?

The King: On my plate, I hope. Ooh, I could go for a tasty drumstick right now.

Luigi: Don’t be silly! Everyone knows that only chickens and other birds have drumsticks.

The King: Says you! But I’m a fan of buffalo wings, and even I know that buffalo don’t have wings.

Luigi: But-

Mario: I stand with The King on this one! Wario, let’s find a bear!

Luigi, Plumbus Wettus: I can see them all joining up against me. First Yoshi and the princess, now the others! I think I’m the only one who doesn’t want to vote for myself! Aw…

Peach: I don’t think it’s very ladylike to eat a bear, but I’ll eat anything right now!

Waluigi: People! I admit it would be nice to eat bear tonight, but there aren’t any in the house! There probably aren’t even any outside!

Yoshi, Food Analyst: Yoshi love analyze bear meat! Whole mass must search for bear, must taste good. Luigi not understand.

Yoshi: Where we find bear?

Waluigi: … At least I wasn’t interrup-

The King: Good question!

Mario: How about… under the sofa?

Yoshi: No, sofa too obvious! Bear might be in fireplace!

Peach: It would be too convenient for the bear to already be in the fireplace. How about-

Wario: THE KITCHEN!

Mario, Moron: What is a kitchen? It doesn’t sound like a place a bear would go to me, unless it’s a fancy word for places where bears go.

Luigi: Now see here, there are no bears!

Waluigi: One person in this mass agrees with me!

Wario: No, think about it. The bear would go to the kitchen to get food! And so should we!

Peach: Sounds like a plan!

Mario: Let’s go!

Luigi: Fine, but I’m not!

Mario: Good!

Luigi: GOOD!

Wario: Let’s go!

Mario, Wario, Peach, Yoshi, and The King head off to the kitchen.

Waluigi: Luigi… LUIGI!

Luigi: Gah! Who said that?

Waluigi: You heard me! Listen, Luigi, we are the only ones in this mass who have any brains. Maybe Peach does too when she’s not too hungry.

Luigi: Waluigi? Where have you been the past five days?

Waluigi: … Never mind. Look, we need to talk, and figure things out…

In the kitchen…

The King, King: No one believed me when I said that bears could have drumsticks, but look, they’re as clear as the bear standing in the corner!

Mario: A bear! Save me!

Peach: Mario! Help Wario catch it!

Wario: Yes, let’s surround it! I’ve got the middle. Mario, Yoshi, take my right and left.

Yoshi: Okay!

Wario stands facing the bear while Mario and Yoshi run around since they don’t know which side they are each supposed to guard.

Peach: Kill it! Kill it!

The King: In the merry month of May!

Wario: I’ve got it!

Wario tries to imitate Mario by leaping into the air. He plans to land on the bear and knock him out, but instead…

Wario: Ow!

Peach, Princess: How in the world did Wario get stuck in the cabinet? I think it’s time to do some mass-cleaning!

Mario: Haha!

Wario: Wait! There are cans of food in here!

Peach: Food… FOOD?!

Yoshi: Give Yoshi food!

Wario pulls himself out of the cabinet, and some cans of food come down.

Peach: Wario! No one’s better than you right now!

The King: Yo the ant!

Wario: Hahaha! Fetch the can opener, and kick it until it works.

They do, and Luigi is fetched for dinner.

Luigi: I don’t believe it.

Waluigi: Neither do-

Wario: WE’VE GOT FOOD!!!

Koopa Troop

Larry, Spy: I'm tired of hearing her comments towards it, so just let me tell you that I really want to vote off Susan.

Susan: Larry, my love!

Morton, Philospoher: The guy was here just a little while ago, not long at all, and he had stuff to say, important stuff, crucial stuff! He told us about today's challenge, and boy is it going to be disgusting! It will be awful, repulsive, sickening, lou-

Guy: Hope you have room for something good,
Cuz Lemmy's been cooking, now is that understood?
This challenge's a breeze because it's yummy,
Just gobble your food to get immunity!

Wendy: Ok, buh-bye!

Wendy slams the door. Then she turns to the rest of the mass, and also turns green.

Iggy: (in a scared voice) Wendy! What's wrong?

Wendy: The challenge! We have to (gulp) eat Lemmy's cooking!

Roy: Aw no! This had better be a trick!

Iggy, Paper Weight: I ate Lemmy's cooking once when I was a wee Koopaling, and I was scarred for life!

Bowser: Eww!

Susan: What's so bad about Lemmy's cooking?

Larry: (lightbulb above his head) Nothing! Susan, if you love me, you will eat my portion of the food in today's challenge.

Susan: Sure, why not?

Morton: Well I for one am not doing it! No way! No sir! No how! No-thing doing! I don't think so! Not a-

Ludwig: Now everybody, calm down. I know the thought of consuming Lemmy's cooking is repulsive, but I think I speak for us all when I say that I will do anything for a million coins.

Iggy: Even destroy your own lab?

Ludwig: No.

Iggy: How about-

Ludwig: Silence! The point is, by tomorrow morning we'll forget the whole thing.

Susan: If it's so bad, won't you always remember it?

Roy, Boxer: Susan is so innocent, so naïve. It's too bad I'm going to have to beat her up later! Yes, tomorrow I must beat up someone!

Bowser: As always, my brilliant son is right… although he could stand to learn something about being ruthless. Susan, the food is so bad that you will pass out and not remember a thing.

Susan: Pft! I say, let's go for it!

Larry: You know, I really am sort of hungry… maybe this won't be so bad after all.

Morton: I'm in! Let's do it! Come on! I'm ready! It's-

Ludwig: Good, so it's settled. We will go and consume our- huh? What strange liquid is engulfing my feet?

Wendy, Beauty Queen: The water suddenly came pouring up the stairs! I love water, but this is rediculous!

Iggy: Haha! Ludwig can't even identify water!

Bowser, Tyrant: I know this is all Morton's fault! Ooh, let us lose the challenge so I can kill him!

Bowser: Morton! What did you do?

Morton: I didn't do anything! It wasn't me! I'm innocent, I tell ya! The culprit is another! I profess-

Ludwig: Idiots! Don't you see? This water must be flowing up from the pipes that became unstuffed when Mario Gang left.

Ludwig, Genius: Really, there's no other option of what it could be. These people need to wise up!

Iggy: Of course! Someone save me!

Wendy: You haven't even gotten wet yet.

Ludwig: Quiet everyone! Look, this really isn't so bad. We can-

Bowser: We're all going to die!

Koopa Troop: …

Bowser: Um… I mean… fix it or I'll kill you!

Ludwig: Of course. Look, let's work up even more of an appetite by swimming down there, with Wendy's magic, and plugging up the water.

Susan, Pain in the Neck: Ludwig would be a really great boyfriend if only he took better care of his appearance. But Larry… ah, I love him!

Bowser: Good idea! Wendy, get to it!

Wendy casts the magic and the mass swims down into the water. We can't see what they do because the camera crew still can not go underwater, but after about an hour the water begins to drain. The camera makes as if the water is draining quickly by combining many shots. Koopa Troop comes back up the stairs dripping wet.

Iggy: Wow! That was… invigorating!

Morton: Yeah, and now I'm more hungry than ever! I'm too hungry to talk! I can't even open my mouth! Oh, I am starving, I am weak, I am-

Ludwig: That did go quite well.

Bowser: Let's get ready to eat!

<Commercial Ad: Be sure to tune in tomorrow morning to the "I Have Nothing Better To Do Than Become Obsessed Over All The Losers Show" to see the second Loser blasted out of the Huge Building!>

Challenge

The camera pans around a huge table laiden with food, and then Mario Gang and Koopa Troop come upon the scene.

Lemmy Koopa: Welcome back! Koopa Troop, you need to hand over the immunity idol.

Koopa Troop looks at Wendy.

Wendy: I… uh… thought the producers were getting a better one.

Larry: We'll be right back.

Ten minutes later…

Lemmy Koopa: Ok, here are the rules. On the… man, this challenge is so easy! (laughs) Ok, ok. Look, on the table is food that I lovingly prepared just for you about half an hour ago. It's still warm! All you have to do is eat all the food on your side of the table. The mass that does so first wins immunity and saves a trek to the roof. Koopa Troop, one of your members will have to sit out again.

Bowser: Mor-

Ludwig: King Dad! Choose the one that will be least able to eat!

Bowser: You mean Morton?

Roy: No, Iggy! Even I know that!

Iggy: Aw! But I'm hungry!

Bowser: Well… all right. Iggy will sit out for us.

Iggy: WAH!

Lemmy Koopa: Iggy will sit out for Koopa Troop. Losers ready?

Mario: Huh?

Lemmy Koopa: (laughs) Eat!

The two teams rush to the table. Yoshi's long tongue reaches the food first.

Yoshi: YUCK! Oh! This food awful!

Larry reaches the table and starts stuffing his mouth with food that sorta looks identifiable but then again it's anyone's guess.

Larry: OH I HATE MY LIFE!

Wendy reaches the table and starts eating as well. In the meantime, Mario Gang is backing off, heeding Yoshi's warning.

Luigi: We just ate, and I'm not very hungry. Um… someone else eat for me!

Wario, Waluigi, Peach, The King, and Mario: YOSHI!

Yoshi: No way! Food no good! Yoshi hungry, but not that hungry after meal we ate!

Roy: I'm so hungry I'll even eat this thing that looks like sewage!

He does.

Roy: YUCK!

Lemmy Koopa is still laughing to himself, oblivious to the fact that most of Mario Gang has resigned. The King is eating, because he doesn't realize the food tastes bad. Waluigi is also eating to try to help his mass.

Waluigi: Curse me for not being evil!

The King: Oh, scrumptious! Yes, excellent! Hahaha!

And soon enough, as the camera fast-forwards and food disappears…

Lemmy Koopa: Koopa Troop wins!

Iggy: Yeah! Oh yeah! Who's good!

Iggy, still starving, rushes forward and quickly eats a healthy chunk of the food left on Mario Gang's side.

Larry: (eyes wide) Maybe we should have left out Morton…

Lemmy Koopa: Koopa Troop! The idol is yours again!

Mario Gang walks in shame out of the room. Koopa Troop soon follows in jubilation, occasionally tossing some of Lemmy's cooking back up.

Mario Gang

Peach, Princess: It really is depressing that we have to vote off another member… but that's the way it goes. At least no one can be blamed for us losing today, since we all refused to eat.

Wario: It's your fault, Luigi!

Luigi: Look, you… you… you! I have friends here, amd you should think twice before you talk to me that way.

Just then…

Luigi: (looks down) Uh oh…

Yoshi: Luigi disgusting!

Luigi: Sorry…

Off to the side…

Mario, Moron: I can't think, but that doesn't mean I can't have a plan!

Mario: I have an ingenious plan! Let's vote the same way, ok?

The King: Ok, I'll vote the same way as you as long as you vote the same way as me.

Mario: Wait. How do I know who you're voting for.

The King: I'm voting for who you're voting for. But who is that?

Mario: I don't know.

The King: Ok, so we're set then.

Mario: Yes.

The King: Good.

Peach: Dad! Mario! It's time to go!

Waluigi, Scaredy Cat: It's hard to form an alliance when no one can hear me… but Luigi can now, and that's good. Things are looking up!

Mass Massacre

Mario Gang arrives after going back halfway through to retrive their sticks. They "forget" to ring the gong at the entrance until Mario, thinking himself smart, does so from the fourth position in the procession. The mass backs up so that all can hit the gong, including Mario again, and then they all sit down on the bench.

Lemmy Koopa: Two immunity challenges, and two trips here. The King, how do you feel about having to come here again?

The King: (thinks for a while) Well, the roof could stand a better paint job, but the weather is quite pleasant and I have no major complaints.

Lemmy Koopa: Luigi, is there anything you wish you could say to Koopa Troop?

Luigi: Yeah, I think they're losers!

Wario: I would like to say that we are still going to get them.

Lemmy Koopa: Hm hmm… Hey, is there someone missing from your mass?

Mario: (looks around) Nope, we're all here!

Waluigi sighs.

Lemmy Koopa: Very well then. It's time to vote. Luigi, you're first.

Luigi goes to vote.

Luigi: My vote is for Mario, because I refuse to be second to a loser! Ooh, good insult.

Mario goes to vote.

Peach goes to vote.

The King goes to vote.

Waluigi goes to vote.

Wario goes to vote.

Wario: I'm kicking Luigi outta here, because he is the only one who questions my authority. It's time to eliminate dissent! Plus, Luigi is just a pathetic extra. Hahahahaha!

Yoshi goes to vote.

Lemmy Koopa: I'll go get the votes.

Lemmy Koopa leaves and the camera pans around to show that everyone in the mass is nervous. Wario is praying, Luigi is biting his nails, and The King is restlessly sleeping. Lemmy Koopa returns after a few seconds.

Lemmy Koopa: I'll read the votes. Since I'm sure you've forgotten, let me remind you that once I read the votes the decision is final and the loser will immediately be asked to crack their stick over the head of the person they feel responsible for voting them off. Then they'll be blasted out of here to follow Toad, a member of your mass, whose image you can see in the billboard way out in the distance in front of you.

The camera shows the billboard, which other than the imprint of Toad is clearly an ad for Pizza Hut.

Lemmy Koopa: The first vote… Luigi.

The camera shows Luigi, and the suspenseful music continues to play.

Lemmy Koopa: The next vote… Mario.

The camera shows Mario, and the suspenseful music plays.

Lemmy Koopa: The next vote… Mario.

The camera- aw, you know.

Lemmy Koopa: The next vote… who wrote "Tad"?

Mario: That spells Toad, Lemmy.

Lemmy Koopa: Not really. Plus, you can't vote for Toad.

Mario: Really? In that case, Luigi.

Lemmy Koopa: The next vote… Luigi. The next vote… Mario. And the last vote...

Really suspenseful music plays.

Lemmy Koopa: Can I assume the same thing for the vote that says "Toe"?

The King: Yup.

Lemmy Koopa: In that case, Luigi has four votes. Luigi, I need you to crack your stick.

Luigi: You're all losers! Yeah, losers, haha! I'm so clever.

Luigi cracks his stick on Mario's head.

Mario: Owowowowowowow!

Lemmy Koopa: Come here, Luigi.

Luigi: Goes very slowly over to Lemmy Koopa, but also does not look back at the mass, whom he wishes to forget. With Lemmy Koopa's help he gets into the cannon. Lemmy lights the fuse.

Lemmy Koopa: Luigi… the mass has spoken.

The cannon fires, and Luigi screams as he is blasted into oblivion. On the way he passes through the billboard just to the right of where Toad did.

Lemmy Koopa: The good news is, you survived another Mass Massacre. The bad news is, Luigi will certainly be missed.

Wario: Not!

Lemmy Koopa: You can go back to base.

The camera alternatingly shows Luigi falling and the rest of Mario Gang trudging back to base, and the credits appear.

Who voted for who?

Luigi: Mario (doesn't want to lose to a loser)
Mario: Luigi (second to Toad, hates his brother)
Peach: Mario (allied with Luigi)
The King: Luigi (figured why not)
Waluigi: Mario (feels Mario is responsible for his not being noticed)
Wario: Luigi (Luigi stood against his authority)
Yoshi: Luigi (Luigi wet himself)

Who's left?

Mario Gang: Mario, Peach, The King, Waluigi, Wario, Yoshi
Koopa Troop: Bowser, Iggy, Larry, Ludwig, Morton, Roy, Wendy, Susan

Luigi, Plumbus Wettus, on being voted off: I wish I could have won the million, but I guess it is fair to say that even after only six days I learned some really useful things. I learned that… uh oh. Can anyone get me a new pair of pants?

Read on!
Or read the Trimming!