The Good Egg Galaxy: The Eggtastic Adventure! Hahahahaha… Ok, I’ll admit that that was lame.
Shadow Mario performs a perfect front-flip while landing on the first planet, while Yux impales the wooden house.
Yux: Ow…
Shadow Mario: Oh, that poor house!
Yux: What about me?!
Shadow Mario: I wonder where that boat is…
Yux: Don’t ignore me!
Suddenly cannonfire blows up the house that Yux was stuck in.
Shadow Mario: Nooooooo!!! That poor poor… house! I was going to make it my summer home!
Yux: …
Shady (from the boat): Bow before my random act of villainy! Mahahahahaahahh!!! … How was that?
Slim: You’re getting better, but a true evil laugh has to originate from your darkened soul. Let me demonstrate.
He uses goop from the paintbrush to turn it into a microphone.
Shadow Mario: I didn’t know it could do that!
Yux: I’m pretty sure it would have been written in the manual.
Shadow Mario: Only women read the manual! Real men play around with deadly weapons until they figure them out! For instance, this new gun I found; I wonder what comes out of this barrel…
Yux takes the gun away.
Shadow Mario: Awwww…
Slim: (using the microphone) Ahem! *inhales*
An organ-like evil cackle engulfs the galaxy. Demon-like versions of King Kaliente and his minions arise from the pits of the Underwhere on wrecked flying ships.
Demons: RAWWWWAAAAARRR!!!
Shadow Mario: And that tinkling sound indicates that I have just used my pants as a toilet.
Silver Luma: Ew.
Shadow Mario: What did I tell you about talking, young man?!
Silver Luma: I’m actually a girl, Papa. You’re probably thinking of my brother who traveled with Mario…
Shadow Mario: GET BACK IN THE HAT!
Silver Luma: …
Yux: While you two were talking, Shady and Slim got away.
Shadow Mario: Darn it! Well I guess we should exterminate all these demons then.
Yux: Why?
Shadow Mario: We must make this place pure again so that no more houses like this one will ever have to suffer again!
Yux: Why I’m I always paired with weirdoes?
Shadow Mario: (whispering to the remains of the house) Don’t worry, my darling. I shall avenge you! … Wait, what’s this? There are skeletons in your charred remains! You… YOU TWO-TIMING TIME-SHARE CONDO!
He runs away crying,
passing over the seemingly pointless bridge and disappearing over the horizon.
Yux’s follows him without paying attention to where he is going.
Yux: There there
Shadow, Mario. There’s always more fish… er, houses in the sea. Besides,
aren’t we on a quest to save your ex-wife? Maybe you two could rekindle
your love and…
Shadow Mario: Um, Yux?
Yux: Yes?
Shadow Mario: Why are you floating into a black hole?
Yux only now realizes that he accidentally broke free from the planet’s gravitational pull and was floating forward in space, and is now face to face with a black hole.
Yux: Mama test-tube…
He gets sucked in.
Shadow Mario: Good night, sweet prince. May a flight of X-Nauts sing thee to thy rest… Well, no point dwelling on the past.
He performs a cartwheel following into a mega midair summersault. The gravity of the tower positions him right above a Goomba, which he lands on and crushes.
Goomba: OW! What was that for?!
Shadow Mario: You are a fowl demon from the pits of the Underwhere! I have sworn my life to protecting these lost relics of another time period! (whispering to the Tower) Call me later. (back to Goomba) Leave this place now and I might spare your life!
Goomba: But I live here!
Shadow Mario: (pointing at the Goomba) I said get lost!
Suddenly, a small clump of Star Bits explodes behind Shadow Mario. One small Star Bit rolls towards his foot, touches it, gets absorbed into his body, and then fires itself out of Shadow Mario’s finger and goes through the Goomba’s head. Shadow Mario looks at his hands and then at the Star Bits.
Shadow Mario: … Heheheehe. This is going to be a VARY fun adventure!
He fires Star Bits rapidly into space cowboy-style.
Silver Luma: You’re scaring me, Papa…
Shadow Mario: Silence! Now make me spin! I WANNA TO SPIN! I WANNA TO SPIN! I WANNA TO SPIN! I WANNA TO SPIN! I WANNA TO SPINNNNNN!!!
Silver Luma: I miss Mama.
Silver Luma uses her powers to make him spin into the Launch Star, launching him into space. They land on the mud ball planet, which has all those weird boulders with mouth things rolling around it.
Shadow Mario: Ok, where’s the next Launch Star?
Luma: It got smashed up so you have to collect all its peaces again! Sorry Papa! : )
Shadow Mario: (pointing Star Bit-firing hand at the Luma) My Star Bit cannon says otherwise!
Luma: Star Bits?! Oh, yummy! Thank you, Papa!
Shadow Mario: Huh?
Silver Luma: Star Bits are like candy to us.
Shadow Mario: OMD, you’re all cannibals! Die, cannibal!
He throws the Luma into one of the boulder’s mouth. It becomes sick and rolls into another boulder, which rolls into another boulder and so on until they all hit each other and crumble to peaces.
Silver: You do know that those boulders crumble right away after they touch each other, right Mr. Author?
Author: Um… Yeah… Well you see… OH LOOK THE LAUNCH STAR HAS BEEN REPAIRED! Off you go! : )
Silver: Lame… Did I say that right, Papa?
Shadow Mario: You need more emphasis on the L… But besides that you done good.
They blast off again.
Shadow Mario: All this blasting off is giving me a headache… Is it my imagination or are we going farther away from the big, scary pirate ships?
Silver: Um…
She pulls out a map.
Silver: I don’t think we made a wrong turn… Wait… Whoops, I had the map upside down. Sorry, Papa.
Shadow Mario: Why oh why did I leave you in charge of directions?! Well, let’s see if Papa can fix this little problem…
Shadow Mario uses his Star Bit-firing powers to blow up most of the smaller planets that were in the way.
Silver: What was that for, Papa?!
Shadow Mario: With those useless planets out of the way, we can get to the big dome thingy, and from there…
Silver: But you just killed all the Lumas on those planets!
Shadow Mario: Not caring.
Silver: You’re a monster, Papa! I’ll make you care!
She messes up his trajectory and launches him into the glass of the glass dome.
Shadow Mario: My face! My beautiful, kinda liquidy face!
A shard of glass stabs the gravity-controlling belts, causing the gravity in the dome to go crazy and send the rest of the glass flying around violently. After about a minute a bunch of corpses can be seen floating in the bloody dome.
Shadow Mario’s Corpse: …
Silver: Whoops. So does this mean the FF’s over?
Shadow Mario: (landing at the dome’s entrance) You wish.
Silver: How did you…?
Shadow Mario: I stole a 1-Up Mushroom before we came to this Galaxy.
Silver: So you’re a zombie… That’s just weird, Papa.
Shadow Mario: We prefer to call it random. Now get back in the hat! You’ve had more then enough screentime!
Silver: But I want to be a main character!
Shadow Mario: Never! Back in the hat right now!
Silver: NO!
Shadow Mario: Why you little!
He takes off his hat and grabs her with it. She begins to fly around violently, dragging Shadow Mario with her through the floating glass all the way up to the Launch Star. Somehow their fighting sets off the Launch Sstar, which launches them through the floating star-shaped planet and towards a black hole.
Shadow Mario: Great. Now we’re going to die. Thanks a lot, Silver.
Silver: Don’t you have another 1-Up Mushroom?
Shadow Mario: Nope.
Silver: Of course. Well I want you to know that I hated every moment we’ve been together, Papa
Shadow Mario: Likewise, Yux’s replacement. Likewise…
Suddenly, a blue light from a Blue Pull Star grabs Shadow Mario and Silver at the last moment and saves them! Yay I guess!
Yux (AKA the one who controlled the Pull Star) And thus Yux has saved the day yet again. Now, what was this I heard about my replacement?
Shadow Mario knocks out Silver and shoves her under his hat.
Shadow Mario: You didn’t hear nuten! Now explain to us what happened to you and how this knowledge will help us in our quest.
Yux: Well it turns out that black hole was actually a plot hole.
Shadow Mario: Ok.
Yux: That plot hole got me onboard an abandoned flying ship.
Shadow Mario: Ahhuh.
Yux: Using the ship I was able to get here in time to save you from yourself.
Shadow Mario: Awww…
Yux: You’re not even listening.
Shadow Mario: Hey, a boat! Let’s use it!
Yux: Why didn’t I run away when I had the chance?
They jump onto the boat and start sailing toward the enemy fleet.
Demon King Kaliente: It’s about @#$%&*€@^$ time! So what’s the deal?! Why the @#$%^&*(*&^%$#@#$%^& did you take the scenic route?!
Shadow Mario: @#$$%^&*&^%$# You swear a lot!
Yux: Come to think of it, we never did get to hear your voice in Super Mario Galaxy. I guess now the reason for that is pretty obvious.
Demon King Kaliente: @#$%$#@!@#$%^$#@#$%^%$#@#$%^^%$#@! Attack him, my minons! And for #$%^&%$#@!@#$%^& sake don’t accidentally shoot those @#$%^&^%$#@!#$%^&^%$# coconuts that they can use to kill you!
Demon Cosmic Blooper: How are we able to shoot coconuts, anyways?
Demon King Kaliente: SHUT @###@#$$$ UP! Now attack!
Yux: Wow, that conversation was meaningful and engrossing.
Shadow Mario: Don’t just float there! Throw something at him!
Shadow Mario rips off the boat’s steering wheel thingy (the name of which escapes me at the moment) and throws it like a Frisbee… that goes straight into the lava.
Shadow Mario: Darn it, I missed! … Why are we falling?
Yux: Because you are the very essence of an idiot.
Shadow Mario: Oh, thank goodness. I thought it was because I ripped out that wheel.
They crash into the Bullet Bill/Chainless Chomp Blaster on that one large planet full of boxes. You know the one. Shadow Mario shakes himself off.
Shadow Mario: Once again I have avoided death. In your face, defective Grim Reaper!
Yux: That guy is a good for nothing, lazy jerk! WHEN WILL IT BE MY TIME TO DIE, REAPER?! So where to next?
Shadow Mario: Well here’s a Launch Star, but we need the power to spin to make it work, and I kinda knocked out the Luma who makes me spin.
Yux uses Mini-Yuxs to imitate the motion of cracking one’s knuckles.
Yux: Leave it me.
He spins so hard that the Launch Star breaks.
Yux: …
Shadow Mario: … You’re useless, Yux.
Yux: I know.
Shadow Mario uses Yux as a hoverboard to fly all the way up to one of the demon ships.
Yux: (panting) Ow… My… back…
Shadow Mario: Quit complaining or I’ll fill you full of Star Bits!
As soon as they set foot on the ship, demons from the hull break through and grab Shadow Mario’s legs.
Shadow Mario: Awwww. These wittle demons are sooooo cute! Cootchy cootchy coo!
A demon bites off his nose.
Shadow Mario: Oh noes…
Yux floats in front of him and pulls up a shield, blocking the barrage of coconut fire.
Yux: You owe me one.
Shadow Mario throws the demons off the ship.
Shadow Mario: I owe you nothing!
Demon King Kaliente: @#$%^%$#$%^%$%^$%$%! WHAT DID I TELL YOU $%^%$#%^$%^% PEOPLE ABOUT SHOOTING THE €#€$#$#$ COCONUTS?!
Demon Cosmic Bloopers: Sorry, King…
The Shadow Gang (my new name for them) takes cover from the fireballs that the Cosmic Bloopers are launching at them. Yux quickly looks over their cover to fire some fireballs of his own before ducking down again. Shadow Mario, while still behind their cover, lifts up an AK47 and fires blindly at the Demon Cosmic Bloopers.
Yux: Where do you keep getting cool weapons?!
Shadow Mario: From Toys ‘R Us! They had to shift their focus from toys to guns after the Chinese-Poisoning-Our-Toys incident.
Yux: But guns are bad!
Shadow Mario: Guns aren’t bad. The people who use guns for their own selfish gain instead of protection are the bad ones.
Yux: So just because a person owns a gun, that doesn’t make them evil; it’s their action with the gun that makes them evil?
Shadow Mario: Exactly. Also, just because a person plays a mature video game, that doesn’t mean that they’re some kind of crazed psychopath that’s going to rob a bank or beat up a baby. It all depends on the person itself.
Yux: You are so right.
Shadow Mario: I know… Are we still in a firefight?
A fireball passes by his head.
Yux: Yup.
Shadow Mario: Let’s take control of this baby and get that king guy!
Yux: How? There’s no wheel on this boat…
Shadow Mario jams Yux in the pedestal and uses him like a wheel.
Shadow Mario: Problem solved!
Yux: …
They sail all the way up to the lava planet where Demon King Kliente is, and crash the boat into the lava.
Demon King Kalient: So you’re @#$%^@@ finally here! It took you @#$#$#$ long enough! Now prepare for the ultimate €*&&^%$#* game of coconut tennis!
Demon Cosmic Bloopers: But King, you just told us not to use our coc-
King: SHUT @#%%#$ UP!!! My serve!
He spits out a coconut at Shadow Mario, who uses Yux as a tennis rack to knock it back to the king.
King: You can’t @%%$#^€ beat me! I’ve played *$^€&@ Wii Tennis for hours on end!
He knocks it back at Shadow Mario so hard that he gets knocked on his butt.
Yux: Dude, you stink at tennis.
Shadow Mario: Well excuse me if I don’t own a Wii.
Yux: You don’t own a Wii?! But you told me that you were going to buy one on the first day it came out!
Shadow Mario: Well yeah, but I spent the money on something else that I’d really like to not talk about.
The king knocks Shadow Mario on his butt again with another coconut. A PSP slips out of his pocket.
Shadow Mario: …
Yux: …
King: …
Silver: …
Author: …
DAD: …
Shadow Mario: Ok, it’s surprising! We get it! It’s time to use “It”, Yux!
Yux: Ok, PSPathetic.
Shadow Mario: …
Yux: RANDOMIZE!
He glows, then stops, you should know it by now.
Yux: The good news is…
Shadow Mario: Hey, why is this galaxy called the Good Egg Galaxy anyways?
The planet that looks like a Yoshi egg lands on and crushes Demon King Kaliente to death. This causes all of his followers and the demon ships to disappear.
Shadow Mario: All right, a giant egg! Awesome!
He tries to take a bite out of it but his teeth turn into dust on impact.
Shadow Mario: Awwww…
Yux: The bad news is…
A giant egg rolls off the Yoshi egg planet.
Yux: Huh? There’s a note on this thing.
Dear Stupids:
While none of
you were looking, I revived Dino Piranha. Enjoy.
Sincerely,
Slim
PS. I wrote this
letter using the blood of a goat I slaughtered using you paintbrush.
PSS. Mahahahaha.
Shadow Mario: That monster! I’m the only one allowed to kill goats with that thing!
The egg opens up.
Dino Piranha: ROOOOOWWWRRRR!!!
Shadow Mario: And now we run.
Three hours later…
Shadow Mario and Yux: (running/floating really fast) AHHHHHH!!!
Dino Piranha: ROOOOWWWRRRR!!!
Silver: (yawning) That was a good nap… So what did I miss?
Yux: Oh, nothing much. We’re just being chased by Dino Piranha.
Silver: Oh… Have you thought of luring him into the lava over there?
Shadow Mario: … Shut up, Yux.
Yux: sigh
They lure him into the lava. He dies.
Shadow Mario: Well that was anticlimactic. Now that this place is safe from demons, all the people and houses of this land may rest in peace tonight!
Yux: Yes they could, if it wasn’t for the fact that everyone is dead now thanks to you.
Shadow Mario: Oh come on! I didn’t kill EVERYONE this time!
Random Goomba: Yeah! He didn’t kill me…
Shadow Mario fires a Star Bit through the Goomba’s head.
Everyone: …
Shadow Mario: What?! He startled me! Now let’s head back to the observatory.
Silver: Whatever you say, Papa…
Or…
Yux: If you value your sanity you’ll stop reading right now… STOP IT!