WARNING! The following FF contains blood, extreme violence, more blood, video game and anime references, even more blood, randomness to the point of it being sickening, another truckload of blood, logic defining acts of stupidity, and long scenes with Yux just talking. Also, knowledge of Shady Parakoopa’s FFs and Interviews will be needed to enjoy this FF. If you have already read and enjoyed Shady’s work then something might be wrong with you. Now enjoy the flouting space text.
Thanks Billy. Ahem. Space. The final frontier… unless we find some freaky upside down inside out planet where everyone has to slap their stomachs with their tongues in order to talk… Where was I? Oh yeah, a little bit ago on a planet that will hopefully blow itself up sometime this summer… Cue Star Wars music.
SHADOW PAPER MARIO
Chapter III: All hope is lost. GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER!
Words scrolling across the screen: Our anti-heroes, after saving/dooming the world on several occasions, have separated from each other because of a plot hole known as a Time Warp. Shadow Mario has been sent back in time to the time of the first massacre (aka Shadow Paper Mario 1) while Yux has reunited with his new crew who treat him the same way as his old crew, like absolute dirt. And… um… I guess that’s it. No one cares about the rest of them. Anyways, let me just shut up and let you read the dumb thing.
Bowser Jr: The voices…THEY’RE EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE! Wait… I’m in the FF this time?!
No.
Bowser Jr: Awwww nuts! Well at least I got a short-lived part…
Author: Note to self, erase the last scene.
Bowser Jr: …
We can see Yux sleeping on his usual pile of hay.
Yux: Zzzzzz… No, Mr. Robot, I wasn’t trying to steal your pudding… Zzzzzz.
A tie-dye-colored M paints itself on the floor and begins to suck the still sleeping Yux up.
Yux: Zzzzzzzz… I’m sure there’s enough women to play trading card games with all of us, Vise President Puppy… Zzzzzzzz.
Yux falls from the painted M into the Palace of Shadows.
Yux: Zzzzz… We need to renew that restraining order against King Doopliss, Shady… Zzzzzzz… Shut up Yux! … Zzzz…
???: Wake up, you lousy excuse for a party member.
Yux: Zzzz… Uh... Wha? Where am I?
???: The Palace of Shadows.
Yux: *yawn* Why would I be here… Who are you?
???: Guess.
Yux: Ummmm… Oh my DAD you’re the Grim Reaper! I’ve prepared for this day! Attack him, my suicide bombing Mini-Yuxes!
Mini-Yuxes: (armed with a bomb) FOR THE GRACE OF DAD!!!
???: Holy Goombas on a stick!
??? knocks the Mini-Yuxes away with his paintbrush. ??? turns out to be…
Shadow Mario: Hi.
Yux: Oh my DAD it’s even worse then the Grim Reaper! Attack him, my nuclear warhead-armed Mini-Yuxes!
Shadow Mario: You don’t have nukes.
Yux: … Ok, you’ve seen through my bluff. Please explain to me how you’re still alive. I was sure a Time Warp would have taken care of you.
Shadow Mario: Ha! Silly Yux. Death is for mortals! And it’s part of this Nutritious Breakfast.
Yux: …
Shadow Mario: … Moving on. I just simply waited all those years until I reached our timeline.
Yux: That doesn’t make sense.
Shadow Mario: Neither does your face! Oh! I just burned you!
Yux: … So was there a reason for you summoning me, or are you just a very lonely man?
Shadow Mario: A little bit of column A and B. You see, I own the kids this weekend and I just wanted someone to help me get them from the Shadow Queen.
Yux: Why can’t you do it yourself? And furthermore, if you really traveled through time then why didn’t you stop yourself from divorcing her? The only reason you divorced her was because you thought the skeletons in the closet were her previous husbands but you’re not even listening are you?
Shadow Mario: (running toward the Shadow Queen’s chamber) Look! I’m an airplane! Honk Honk!
Suddenly the whole palace starts shaking. Shadow Mario trips and falls on the ground.
Shadow Mario: Waaaaahhhhhaa!!! Mommy!
Yux: What’s going on?!
Shadow Queen (from her room): Someone help me! I promise I won’t kill you afterward… much.
Shadow Mario: Don’t worry, honey! The world’s best deadbeat husband is coming to the rescue!
Shadow Queen: K-Fed? Is that you?
Shadow Mario uses Yux as a battering ram to open the door.
Yux (teeth broken): I don’t even think the door was locked!
Shadow Mario: Shut up, Yux. Now what do you want, woman? … What in the name of all that is random is that?!
A flying boat has broken through the roof and is now using chains to lift the sealed shut coffin up into the air.
Shadow Mario: Wow, a flying boat. What an original concept to have in this exciting FF.
Yux: They’re kidnapping your ex-wife.
Shadow Mario: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Shadow Mario jumps on top of the coffin and climbs the chain to the top of the boat.
Shadow Mario: Ok! Like I told those twenty guys last night, stay away from my ex-wife!
Shady: Make me!
Yux: (floating onto the boat) Shady, why are you kidnapping the Queen of Darkness?
Shady: I’m going to use her powers to create my own Galaxy!
Yux: *sigh* Why?
Shady: Because I desperately need attention!
Shadow Mario: Same here, buddy. Maybe we should join forces…
Shady: @%%%^%#@#I*$@!%%*^ no! Raise this thing into orbit, Slim.
Slim: Aye aye, Captain Crackers and Chips Crazy#2! The #1 spot is obviously reserved for me.
The boat rises up into space, where its “George Goomba’s Cheap Rental Flying Boats” stash falls off.
Shady: Mahahahahahahahhaha!!! … Hey! That was my first evil laugh! Awesome!
Shadow Mario: So you’re in space now. Big deal. I’m still going to beat you up.
Yux: Save his limbs for me. I want to toast them off with my fire breath! And then I’m going to chop what’s left of him into little pieces with my spinning attack! And then…
Everyone: Shut up, Yux!
Yux: …
Slim: (pointing at Shadow Mario’s chest) You have something on your shirt.
Shadow Mario: *looks down* Where?
Slim uses his pointer finger to stab Shadow Mario’s eye.
Shadow Mario: Ha ha, very funny.
Slim then steals Shadow Mario’s paintbrush and uses it to send him and Yux flying into space.
Slim: That felt good. High five?
Shady: No way. Who knows where those hands have been…
Hours later on a small, moon-ish, green planet…
Shadow Mario: (waking up) … Uh… Why does it seem like I’m always getting knocked out in these stories?!
Bunnies: Hello. : ) You want to play hide and seek with us?
Shadow Mario: Um… No.
Bunnies: Oh… How about now?
Shadow Mario: No.
Bunnies: (demonically) You have no choice. Do as we say or you’ll end up like your friend.
They point to Yux, who’s levitating over a treadmill.
Yux: These bunnies may be demonic, but they’re pretty stupid.
Bunnies: Puny Humans should be seen and not heard : )
Shadow Mario: I’ll agree with you there, but since we’re not human we’ll just move on to that structure over there, k?
Bunnies: K, bye! : )
Shadow Mario: …
Shadow Mario and Yux head to the white structure.
Bunnies: (demonically) Run, little rabbits, run. Soon we’ll be the ones to make you hop into the endless abyss. (normal) Until then we’ll just stand here and look cute : )
The bunnies turn into Stars and float into space.
Yux: Um… Did you just see that?
Shadow Mario: See what?
Yux: … Nothing.
Rosalina: Hello Shadow Mario.
Shadow Mario: Hello, creepy space chick.
Rosalina: I am Rosalina, and I wish to help you with your quest to rescue your Precious One.
Shadow Mario: Oh, thank you so much!
Yux: Awwww. I didn’t know you loved the Shadow Queen that much.
Shadow Mario: Huh? We’re talking about my paintbrush, silly. I feel really naked without it.
Yux: YUX’S COMMENT ABOUT THE FACT SHADOW MARIO’S CLOTHES HAVE DISAPPEARED HAS BEEN REMOVED SO YOUR FRAGILE LITTLE MIND WOULD BE SPARED FROM ITS IMPURITY.
The Censoring Board People give the thumbs up and fly away on a space ship. No one has noticed this.
Rosalina: I shall give you the power to travel through space so that you may rescue you Precious One… and also so you can get that creep Shady out of my space. Seriously, I deal with enough idiots on a daily basis.
Silver Luma (one of those obese star thingies): I love you, Mama!
Rosalina: *sigh* This Luma will give you this power. I will entrust you with her care… not that I really care ‘cause I have like 400 other ones.
Shadow Mario: Cool, I guess. So what will he let me do?
Rosalina: By letting her live under your cap, she will let you spin to hit stuff.
Yux: Hey! Spinning is my thing!
Rosalina: Not caring. Now go forth and save everything I hold near and dear!
Yux: K, but one question. How did you know who we were and what our situation was?
Rosalina: That’s a good question, Yum.
Yux: It’s Yux.
Rosalina: I am the immortal Queen of Space. On my spaceship I can see everything that happens.
Shadow Mario: Did you see this coming?!
He pushes her to the ground and steals her wand, which he then uses to warp them to her Observatory.
Yux: What was that for? She was helping us!
Shadow Mario: So she said, but I’m pretty sure that she had a knife behind her back.
Yux: Both her hands were on the wand you just stole!
Shadow Mario: Details, seashells. The important thing now is that we and anyone else that may be watching us understands what our goal is.
Silver Luma: Our goal is to stop Shady Parakoopa from making his own dark Galaxy and using it to conquer all Galaxies just so he can get some attention!
Shadow Mario: Hey! Stupid side characters are not allowed to talk! Get back in the hat!
Silver Luma: …
Yux: We should probably stop talking and just get to the action before we do anything else boring.
Shadow Mario: Yeah, probably. You! Star! Search all Galaxies and tell me if you find a flying boat that’s radiating darkness. Shouldn’t be too hard unless McDonalds has started some weird new ad campaign for some kind of chicken sandwich or something.
Blue Luma: Sorry, Mr. Shadow Man, but we only obey Mama. Speaking of which, where is Mama?
Shadow Mario: Mama is on vacation right now, but she sent me instead to take care of all of you.
Lumas: Ok! Can we call you Papa?
Shadow Mario: Yeah, sure, whatever, NOW GET TO WORK!
Three microseconds la-
Lumas: We found it!
Shadow Mario: Take me to the Galaxy, my children!
Lumas: Sure thing, Papa!
They carry him to a dome and toss him into the floating Blue Star.
Shadow Mario: Um… So how does this work?
Black Star: The almighty hand picks the Galaxy you want to go to and then the Magic Star of Magicness throws you across space and you land on the planet unscratched!
Yux: I highly doubt that this is safe.
Shadow Mario: (grabbing Yux) Shut up, Yux! Now onwards we go toward a new adventure!
They use the yellow Launch Star to blast off into the unknown.
Yux: (queasy) I think I’m going to be sick…
Shadow Mario: Well whatever you do, don’t puke on the Table of Contents.
Yux: The what?
Shadow Mario: *points down* That thing.
Good
Egg Galaxy
Honeyhive Galaxy
Loopdeeloop
Galaxy
Flipswitch Galaxy
The Remains of
Bowser Jr’s Robot Reactor
Space Junk Galaxy
Rolling Green
Galaxy
Battlerock Galaxy
Hurry-Scurry
Galaxy
The Remains of
Bowser’s Star Reactor
Beach Bowl Galaxy
Bubble Breeze
Galaxy
Ghostly Galaxy
Buoy Base Galaxy
The Remains of
Bowser Jr’s Airship Armada
Gustly Garden
Galaxy
Freezeflame Galaxy
Dusty Dune Galaxy
Honeyclimb Galaxy
The Remains of
Bowser’s Dark Matter Plant
Gold Leaf Galaxy
Sea Slide Galaxy
Toy Time Galaxy
Bonefin Galaxy
The Remains of
Bowser Jr’s Lava Reactor
Deep Dark Galaxy
Dreadnought Galaxy
Matter Splatter
Galaxy
Melty Molten
Galaxy
The Center of
the Universe (AKA Me baby)
Yux: You mean fans no longer have to sit through tons of pointless pages of text just to get to the good stuff?!
Shadow Mario: Yup!
Yux: That’s amazi-
Yux throws up.
Shadow Mario: Aw, nasty!
To Hopefully Never Be Continued…
You (after looking over the list): Hey! You left out a lot of the Observatories’ bonus Galaxies like the Sweet Sweet Galaxy and the Sling Pod Galaxy and…
Author: (with fingers in ears) Lalala! I’m not listening!
You: You also said in your last FF that Shadow Mario wasn’t going to be the star of the next FF.
Author: Lalala!
You: And what’s with the stupid seven coins thing you promised us all the way back in Shadow Paper Mario 1?
Author: LALALALALALAAL!!! (Brain explodes. There! Are you happy now?!)