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Lemmy: Hiya! It’s me, Lemmy “Hip” Koopa, hosting another AWESOME RACE! After everyone sued me for the “incident” with the last million coins (except for Waluigi, who’s afraid of lawyers), I gave each team a chance at a second batch of 1,000,000 coins! And for no reason, I also added three teams to the mix. Fifteen teams of two will race around my Land for this award. They’ll need to find a series of route markers, containing my beautiful face and a clue. These clues lead them to another route marker. This process repeats, until the teams are led to a pitstop, or the end of a leg. A leg is a segment of my RACE, and there’s thirteen of ‘em! The last team to arrive at the pitstop of each leg will be eliminated! The winners of the last leg will claim this prize! Now, let’s meet our contestants!
Fake Audience: YAY!
Lemmy: First, the team that placed last in my first RACE (due to a certain someone’s temper), we have two idiots who I can’t believe I’m related to. Team Mean, King Dad and Uncle Wart!
Bowser: HOW DARE YOU INSULT YOUR OWN FATHER! IGGY’S GOING TO THE DUNGEON FOR THIS!
Iggy: But-
Bowser: DON’T ARGUE WITH ME, OR I’ll KILL YOU!
Wart: Bowser’s been kinda… aggressive since the last race, ribbit. At the rate we went last time, we don’t stand a ribbit chance!
Lemmy: Next, another team that brings shame to my family. We have Team Talk, featuring my annoying brother Morton, and also an annoyingly nice cousin of mine, Susan. Two questions remain. One, what’s there relationship like? Two, who’s more annoying?
Susan: Well, I’m stuck with Morty again. Well, at least he won’t cost us the game TWICE… hopefully.
Morton: MORTY?! What kind of name, title, and presentation of me, I, the great Morton Koopa Jr, is THIS?! Lemmy, dear brother, kind sibling, get her away from me, out of my presence, maybe a restraining order will work, do the trick, help and assist me of ridding of her, and furthermore-
Susan: It was merely a nickname!
Lemmy: AHEM!
…
Lemmy: Thank you. Now, we have Queen Mom and Wendy. So far, this is probably my favorite team, as this is the only team with any sanity. Put your claws together for… Team Queen!
…
Random Goomba: I’d applaud, but I don’t have any hands!
…
Wendy: Um… is this the best introduction you could afford?
Lemmy: We’re on a tight schedule.
Clawdia: Well, thank you for trying, dear.
Lemmy: Well, we’re up to the first team I’m not related to, and I’m glad of it! Please welcome… Team Cream… Peach and Toad!
Toad: Ok!
Peach: To get him to race with me again, I had to brainwash him. So far, he remembers nothing about the last race!
Lemmy: That’s… creepy…
Peach: You’re creepy!
Lemmy: Technically speaking, yes, I am. We’re now up to team number five, probably the weirdest team in this race. Seriously, who organized these guys to be together?
…
Lemmy: Oh yeah, I did. Well, it’s Team Bean, Kolorado and Bowyer, folks!
Kolorado: I say, old bean, Bowyer and I have created quite a bond! With my knowledge of Lemmy’s Mazes, and our great chemistry, we’re a shoe-in for the win!
Bowyer: Talk weird you still do, nyah!
Kolorado: You’d think I’d understand you by now, sport.
Lemmy: Um… We’re now up to Team Scheme, consisting of my brothers, Ludwig and Larry! Really, I’m surprised these guys lost! They were good!
Ludwig: Indeed, dear sibling. I believe it is worth mentioning that I’ve flexed my mind with my Brain-Expander, in order for me to possess more files in my memory banks. Simply put, I shall not forget anything!
Larry: As evil as I am, I feel kinda bad for Ludwig. He’s been practicing 24/7 for this race. Well, with my wit and his increased intelligence, all that work will finally pay off!
Lemmy: Hopefully. Maybe I’ll finally get some sleep without all his racket! Anyways, here’s Team Cute! Yoshi and Birdo, the most adorable team here!
Yoshi: Yoshi happy that Yoshi and Birdo race again! Yoshi wanna win, and spend time with Birdo, too!
Birdo: Awww… he’s so cute! It was just misfortune that we lost last time, so we’re not worried!
Lemmy: Next up, a team of bully-
Roy: ME!
Lemmy: -and nerd-
Iggy: HEY!
Lemmy: -as Team Steam!
Roy: Well, I have to deal with Paperweight again. Luckily, I found a purpose for him. Here’s a hint, it starts with “j” and ends in “avelin”.
Iggy: Uh… that restraining order Morton mentioned sounds good right about now!
Lemmy: You know ‘em as the Mario Bros, Mario and Luigi reappear as Team Mario… apparently…
Mario: It’s-a me, Mario! I got it! I’m-a gonna get you next time!
Luigi: Luckily, my therapist taught me to relax-
Mario: Owowowowowowow!
Luigi: -but that probably won’t help me now…
Lemmy: I’m beginning to hate my job! Next, it’s Team Cheat, the ultra-greedy Wario, and his greed-a-phobic partner-
Waluigi: AAAAAAHHHHHH! YOUR INTRODUCTIONS ARE SCARY!
Lemmy: -that guy…
Wario: I figure that to win this race, I’ll have to tame my partner. I tried everything, but even the most effective sleep darts cause nothing!
Lemmy: I see. We’re now up to the runner-ups in my last RACE, house pets Playful and Bagels, as Team Dream!
Playful: I can’t believe I have to deal with these imbeciles… AGAIN!
Bagels: I hope I can create an alliance with Master Bowser. It was a shame to see him go so soon!
Lemmy: Last, we have our champions thus far, idiot The King and annoyed Daisy… TEAM WHAT!
…
Daisy: What an expected silence!
The King: What?
Lemmy: Now, to introduce the three new teams I teased earlier. First, we have two apes who’re not afraid to get down and dirty! Introducing… Team Kong… Donkey and Diddy Kong!
Diddy: Yay! We’re in an AWESOME RACE! I’ve heard how revolutionary Lemmy’s Land is! We might not be good with technology, but our combination of brawn and brains is sure to put us on top!
DK: Cool!
Lemmy: Couldn’t word it better myself, DK! Next, I introduce Team Cruel, who have a serious height advantage! I welcome the almighty Gloomtail, and the not-so-mighty Hooktail!
Hooktail: HEY!
Gloomtail: You can’t argue with the truth, Sis!
Hooktail: Do I have to race with this guy? He’s such a bully!
Gloomtail: Pardon my sibling; she’s so naïve! With our immense size, ability to fly, and our knack for terrorizing random citizens, we have no chance at losing!
Lemmy: True, true. Last, we have a team that reminds me too much of Team Bean, Xananab and a Hammer Bro that refers to himself as “L33T HAMM3R BRO”, two random guys who just met, as Team Fool!
L33T: U FOOLS DARE 2 CHALL3NG3 M3?! I M B3TT3R THAN U ALL! WHO IS THIS PARTN3R OF MIN3, THOUGH?! H3 B3TT3R B GOOD 3NOUGH 2 B IN MY PR3S3NC3!
Xananab: I wanted to work with Donkey Kong Kong bo Bong, but he was too busy working with Diddy! Seeing my partner’s a freak, I’m doomed, fanana!
Lemmy: Well, now that that’s settled, when I fire my-
Waluigi: NOOOOOOOOO!
Lemmy: Er… When I say “GO”, you’ll race over to the first route marker, where you’ll-
The King: What?
Lemmy: I am not gonna deal with this again! Morton, take it from here!
Waluigi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Morton: Now, when Lemmy, my brother, sibling, and close relative, says “GO, START, COMMENSE”, we dash, speed over, run to, accelerate to the route marker, which we grab, take, and steal an envelope from. We rip, tear, and open the envelope, containing, consisting, and furthermore possessing a clue, hint, puzzle, along with coins, money, cash, and dough. We solve, interpret, and analyze this clue, hint, puzzle, in order to find, spot, and detect another route marker, where another clue, hint, and puzzle can be found. Now, if you save, preserve, and furthermore conserve the coins, money, cash, and dough, you can use and utilize it in future legs, segments, and portions of this AWESOME RACE!
…
Susan: Great speech, Morty!
Lemmy: Uh… Any questions?
Everyone Else: Zzzzzzz…
Lemmy: No? Thank DAD!
…
Lemmy: Uh… Lemmy’s Land is waiting for you, and, well, you know the rest. Ready? Set? GO!
Susan: Let’s go!
Morton: Indeed, most certainly, yes, of course!
Susan: C’mon!
Doom: And so, the race has begun! Remember to vote for your favorite team in Lemmy’s Polls! This is Doom, wishing everyone a gruesome night!
Lemmy: But it’s the middle of the day!
Doom: Oh…
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