Princess Toadstool for President

Submitted by Hip

(The curtain rises and the title is shown.)

(Toad runs out of his house and meets up with Mario, Luigi, and Princess, who are fishing at a pond.)

Toad: Princess, major trouble! King Koopa has brought a plague of Paragoombas to eat your kingdom for lunch!

(Princess is shocked. Off in the distance we can hear Koopa laugh.)

Princess: *gasp*

(Nearby, Koopa and Cheatsy are pulling a wheeled cage filled with Paragoombas up a hill.)

Cheatsy: This is as sneaky and slimy as you can get, Dad! I love it!

Koopa: Check ‘em out, Cheatsy! These Giant Land Paragoombas will mangle those crops! And when Princess Toadstool’s people are starving, I won’t sell her any food until she gives me her kingdom! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Cheasty: A brilliant one point for badness, King Dad! Let the fiendish feast begin!

(Cheatsy opens the cage and the Paragoombas start munching up all the nearby crops. The Mario Bros. show up.)

Mario: Nasty time is over, Koopa! Get those Goombas back in that cage!

Koopa: This cage is for you, drain brain!

(Koopa pushes the cage down the hill at the Mario Bros.)

Mario: Leap, Luigi!

(Mario and Luigi jump on the cage, then jump off and squash two Paragoombas. Two Paragoombas charge at the Mario Bros. but the Brothers jump and the Paragoombas hit themselves, the brothers then squash them. They do the same thing with two more Paragoombas. The last two Paragoombas fly back into the cage and close the door.)

Cheatsy: Too bad, Dad! I’m sure you’re finally gonna become boss of the Mushroom Kingdom!

(Princess walks up to Koopa.)

Princess: If you’re so eager to rule my people, why don’t you do it the right way?

Cheatsy: Bad King Dad? Ha ha ha ha! Are you kidding?

Koopa: What are you laughing at?

Princess: There’s an election coming up! Let the people decide who they want, and the loser will leave the kingdom!

(Koopa laughs as the Mario Bros. walk up to them.)

Mario: Koopa’s too chicken to let people vote!

Koopa: Me? Never! I can beat Princess Toadstool with one claw tied behind my back!

Princess: You’re on, Koopa! We’ll settle this fair and square! Once and for all! Deal?

(Princess holds out her hand.)

Koopa: Deal! Best one I’ve ever made!

(He shakes Princess’ hand.)

(Cut to the throne room of Castle Koopa. Koopa is pacing around his throne.)

Koopa: Cheatsy, you should’ve never let me get into this! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not as well liked as Princess Toadstool!

Cheatsy: Yeah, Dad! I noticed!

(Koopa sits down on his throne.)

Koopa: She’ll go out there and be her goody-goody self and all the people will vote for her!

Cheatsy: Uh, maybe you could try being, nice!

Koopa: Me? Nice? I’ve never been nice in my life! I’m allergic to nice!

(Kooky runs in with a sprayer.)

Kooky: Ooh, relax King Dad! Kooky von Koopa’s got the answer to your problems!

(He sprays Koopa’s face with some blue stuff. Koopa starts to cough.)

Koopa: You numbskull, you nincomkoop, you-

(Koopa absorbs the blue stuff and starts to smile.)

Koopa: -charming, considerate, handsome, little angel!

(Koopa kisses Kooky.)

Cheatsy: It’s a miracle!

Kooky: Oh, wrong! It’s my newest invention, Nice Guy Potion!

Cheatsy: Good schemin’, Kooky!

Kooky: Oh, I couldn’t let Dad down, he’d never win, unless we fixed this election!

(Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess is giving a speech to some citizens.)

Princess: I challenged King Koopa to run against me in a fair election! But obviously he isn’t reptile enough to come and debate me!

(Koopa shows up with his kids, who are posing as a marching band. He is also holding a basket of gold coins.)

Princess: Huh?

Koopa: There’s nothing to debate, you wonderful Mushroom people! Here, take my money! And nice ol’ King Koopa says, “Have a nice day!”.

(He tosses the coins at the people.)

Mario: Huh?

Luigi: What’s goin’ on? Koopa steals money! He doesn’t share it!

(Koopa is on the doomship flying over the Mushroom Kingdom. All the people are cheering as he throws stuff at them.)

Koopa: Toys for your kiddies! Flea collars for your pets! Free false teeth for your grandmothers! There’ll be plenty more of these nice things, nice people, when you elect me, your nice ruler!

Citizens: Yay! Nice Koopa! Yay!

(Back at Toad’s house, Mario and co. are sitting at the coffee table. Toad is even wearing a T-Shirt with Koopa’s face on it.)

Mario: We gotta do something, Princess!

Toad: Yeah, all the awesome things he’s giving away might make people vote for him!

Princess: Don’t worry, guys! I’m making a speech at the Mushroom Kingdom Founder’s Day Picnic! I’ll remind people what Koopa’s really like!

(Cheatsy and Kooky peek in through the window for a second and duck down.)

Kooky: Whoa, whadda ya think, Cheatsy? Does nice guy King Dad stand a chance?

Cheatsy: Not without more cheating! While Dad conducts a nice campaign, we’ll conduct a dirty one!

(Later, at the picnic, Princess is giving a speech next to a hill made out of green blocks and some fireworks that have been set up. Kooky and Cheatsy are watching in the distance.)

Princess: My fellow Mushroomers! Ask not what Koopa does for you today! Ask what he did to you in the past!

Mario, Luigi, and Toad: You tell ‘em, Princess!

Mario: And now, the princess is gonna set off the Founder’s Day fireworks!

Kooky: Uh oh! King Dad’s in trouble! That was a good speech!

Cheatsy: That’s why we’re fixing things, so she won’t make another one!

(Princess walks up to the fireworks and sets them off. Kooky sets off one of his fireworks and it hits the hill of green blocks, which starts to tumble.)

Princess: Whoa! Ah!

Cheatsy: Looks like King Dad will win by a landslide!

(They both laugh as the blocks scare Princess over to the edge of a cliff. Princess runs off the edge.)

Mario: Princess!

Luigi: She’s done for!

(They look down and see a huge mess of blocks.)

Mario: The poor princess, crushed by a mudslinging campaign!

(They jump down to a platform and down to the blocks.)

Luigi: Princess Toadstool! Princess Toadstool!

Mario: Speak to us!

(Princess comes out of a warp pipe.)

Princess: What do you want me to say, Mario?

Mario: How about thank goodness for warp zones!

(Luigi faints.)

(Koopa is standing next to a Mushroom mother holding her baby. Koopa tickles the baby on his chin.)

Koopa: Well hello there, little fella! Goo goo goo goo ga ga ga! Give your uncle a big kiss!

(Koopa bends his face over the to baby, who hits his snout with his rattle.)

Koopa: Why you little, you little, sweet thing!

(Koopa kisses the baby. The women walks off.)

Koopa: Yuck, I hate little Mushroom brats!

(Kooky and Cheatsy run up to Koopa.)

Cheatsy: Don’t let the voting public hear ya say that, King Dad!

Koopa: I don’t care if they hear me or not! I’m sick of bein’ nice!

Kooky: Oh brother! It looks like the Nice Guy Potion is wearing off!

Koopa: Get back to Castle Koopa and make me some more potion! My final election speech is coming up!

Cheatsy: You got it, soon to be ruler Pop!

Koopa: Hurry! Bein’ nice is killing me!

(Kooky and Cheatsy run off.)

(Nearby, Mario and Luigi pop up from inside a nearby block.)

Mario: That creepy Koopa! He’s using a Nice Guy Potion! We gotta stop him from getting more!

Luigi: But Castle Koopa’s crawling with zillions of Koopa guards!

Mario: Yeah, but there are two of us!

(Mario and Luigi arrive in Dark Land.)

Luigi: Geesh, Dark Land gives me the creeps!

Mario: That’s because it’s filled with them!

(Some doomtanks approach the Brothers and start to fire cannonballs.)

Luigi: Tanks for reminding me!

Mario: No time for jokes, Luigi! Make tracks!

(They run off and jump onto some blocks. They jump off as the cannonballs hit the blocks. A Rocky Wrench comes out of his hatch and throws a wrench at the Brothers, but it misses.)

Mario: Wrench attack, Luigi! Let’s tool on out of here!

(They jump into a warp pipe which leads to a fire pit.)

Luigi: I think we just jumped from the frying pan, into the fire!

Mario: Come on! We got it made once we get past that fire pit!

Luigi: If we get past the fire pit!

(The song "Great Balls of Fire" starts up. Mario and Luigi jump from platform to platform across the pit. Two Fire Chomps spit fireballs at the Brothers but they jump out of the way and the Chomps get hit by the other one’s fireball. They continue to jump from platform to platform as a Hot Foot chases them. Mario hits a block which falls and crushes the Hot Foot. A Firesnake spots them and chases them into a pipe. They manage to attach more pipes and it gets stuck inside a loop of pipes. They get to the other side of the fire pit and run off. The song ends.)

(At Castle Koopa, in the lab, Kooky is working on the Nice Guy Potion.)

Cheatsy: Can’t you hurry it up? Dad needs that Nice Guy Potion now!

Kooky: Don’t ever rush achieve!

Cheatsy: I’m not rushing, I’m helping!

(Cheatsy picks up a vial of some chemical and is about to pour it into Kooky’s beaker. Kooky knocks it away.)

Kooky: Whoa! Chill out Cheatsy! If you ruin this batch, there won’t be time to genius up another one!

(The Mario Bros. poke their heads through the doorway.)

Mario: You keep the Koopalings busy! I’ll snatch the potion!

(Luigi walks in and picks up an empty vial. He purposely drops it and it breaks. Kooky and Cheatsy turn around to see him.)

Luigi: Whoops! Hee hee! Silly me!

(Luigi runs off.)

Cheatsy: It’s that louse Luigi! Let’s Koopafy him!

(Kooky puts down the potion. They follow Luigi out of the lab and upstairs. Mario runs into the lab and pours the potion down the drain.)

Mario: No more Mr. Nice Guy!

Cheatsy: Where’d Luigi go?

Kooky: Oh, forget the plumber! We’ve gotta get that Nice Guy Potion to Dad before he blows the election!

(They run back to the lab.)

Kooky: Whoa! The potion is gone! We’ve been outsneaked!

(Luigi, who was hiding behind a statue the whole time, comes out.)

Luigi: Oh, I can’t wait to see ol’ Bowser Koopa’s face when he gets word of this!

Koopa: They what?

Kooky: Heh heh, stole the Nice Guy Potion!

Koopa: But I can’t win without it! And you know who I’m gonna blame for this, don’tcha?

(Cut to the election. Princess is talking to the citizens on a stage.)

Princess: You’ve heard my speech! Now listen to King Koopa! Then decide who you want as your leader!

Koopa: I’m not going out there, this election was a stupid idea anyway! And if I want something, I’ll just take it!

Kooky: Come on, King Dad! You can fake your way through this!

Cheatsy: Sure! You’re the biggest fake around!

Koopa: That’s right! Nobody’s a bigger fake then me! They want nice, I’ll give ‘em nice!

(Koopa walks onto the stage.)

Koopa: Thank you! Thank you my adoring fans!

Princess: Bowser Koopa! I just heard that you used a Nice Guy Potion to try and win this election!

Koopa: That’s a lie! I don’t need a potion to be nice! And I’ll pound anyone who says I do, into mush!

(Bowser crushes the podium with his fist. Later, Mario is on stage holding an envelope.

Mario: The votes have been counted! And the winner is (Mario opens the envelope and reads the results.) by a vote of 6,436,212 to 1, Princess Toadstool!

(The crowd cheers.)

Princess: Wow!

Koopa: How could I be the only guy who voted for me?

Cheatsy: We couldn’t help it, King Dad! We had to vote for her! She’s so nice! And you’re so, so-

Koopa: Rrrrr!

Cheatsy: Exactly, King Dad!

Koopa: Rrrrrrr!

(Smoke starts to come out of Koopa.)

Cheatsy: Oops! He’s got more rrrr than ever!

Koopa: Rrrrrrr!

(Koopa continues to grumble as he chases Cheatsy and Kooky around. The curtain falls.)

The End

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