The Ugly Mermaid

Submitted by Hip

(The curtain rises on Water Land and the title is shown.)

(Open to Water Land underwater. Mario and co., all in Frog Suits, are swimming after the doomsub.)

Mario: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

(Koopa is driving the doomsub. Hip and Hop are with him.)

Koopa: *laugh* This is Kooparific! I can do even more bad in my doomsub, than in my doomship! Soon the underwater world of Mertropolis, will be Kooptropolis! *laugh*

(The doomsub is approaching an underwater city covered by a glass dome. Hip and Hop are looking out the back window.)

Hip: Just one problem, King Pop! Those pesky Mario Bros.-

Hop: Are right on our tail!

(Koopa picks up the microphone.)

Koopa: Rocky Wrenches to your battle stations! Enemy plumbers sighted!

(Some Rocky Wrenches pop out of a hole near the bottom of the doomsub and throw wrenches at Mario and co., who dodge them.)

Mario: What do you say we throw a wrench or two in Koopa's works?

(The Marios each catch a wrench.)

Luigi: Hey, Koopa! We're taking you down!

(The Marios throw the wrenches at the doomsub's propellors. They break and the doomsub starts spinning out of control and firing lasers all over the place.)

Koopa: No problem! I got everything under control! I'm the captain of this sub here! Whoa!

(Mario hides behind a Note Block, which gets hit by a laser and starts to sink. Mario hides behind a wooden block, which gets hit and sinks too.)

Mario: Look out, Princess!

(Mario swims up to Princess, who is dodging lasers herself, but he gets hit by a laser. He suddenly is encased in a block of cement.)

Mario: My Frog Suit's been covered by a block of cement!

(Mario starts sinking.)

Luigi: Hey, what's a cement suit to a guy who swims better than most fish?

Mario: I-I can't breathe! I can't-can't swim! I can't breathe! I can't hang on! Save me! Holy mackerel!

(A mermaid swims out of a pipe, but instead of the top part of her body being human-like and the lower part being fish-like, it's the other way around.)

Holly: The name's Holly Mackerel, not holy mackerel! I'm the mermaid princess of Mertropolis!

(Holly grabs Mario and swims back to the pipe as the others follow.)

Holly: Come on, follow me!

(They follow Holly through the pipe and into Mertropolis, which is filled with air. As soon as Holly gets out of the pipe, which is filled with water, she grabs a fish bowl full of water and covers her head with it. Holly
breathes in deeply.)

Holly: Oh, that's better! I'm not like you frogs, I can't breathe the air! The only problem is everything looks so fuzzy!

(Holly's vision is blurry due to the fish bowl.)

Princess: Mario? Mario, speak to me!

Luigi: Hop to it everyone, come on!

(Luigi and Toad jump on Mario and chip away a bit of the cement.)

Princess: Hurry! We've got to get the water out of his lungs!

(Later, the cement block is gone, and Luigi and Toad are using a pump to get rid of the water inside Mario.)

Luigi: Out with the bad air! In with the good! Out with the bad air! In with the good!

Holly: Poor, sweet frog!

(Mario starts moving around a bit with his eyes closed.)

Mario: *cough* Someone turn off the water! Oh boy! What a nightmare! I dreamed I was drowning! It was horrible! *cough* I was saved by the most hideous, disgusting creature!

Holly: You're safe now, my dreamboat!

(Mario opens his eyes.)

Mario: No! Somebody wake me up, quick! Holy mackerel!

(Holly hugs Mario.)

Holly: That's Holly Mackerel! And my royal fortune teller told me a handsome frog prince would be hopping into my life! And here you are!

(Mario gets up.)

Mario: Ma'am, heh heh, lady, fish, uh whatever you are, you're great for saving me, but I'm no frog prince! What I am is leaving!

(Mario hops off and hides behind a merman statue.)

Holly: Playing hard to get, huh? Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Mario: I'd rather face a thousand Koopas than one mermaid mackerel with marraige on her mind! But you can't run from your problems forever!

(Holly sees the statue Mario is behind.)

Holly: Oh, I've found you at last!

(Holly runs up to the statue.)

Holly: Oh dear! You're not my frog! It's so hard to see through this fish bowl!

(Mario hops out from behind the statue.)

Mario: *psst* Over here, Mackerel!

Holly: Yes, my gorgeous green hunk!

Mario: I'm sorry! I'm sure you're a swell fish, but you and I, we're just not each other's type!

Holly: But froggy!

Mario: No buts, I gotta go!

(Mario hops off as Holly sheds a tear. Mario stops near his friends.)

Mario: Come on, let's get outta here!

(Mario and co. hop over to the pipe. Mario jumps in.)

Mario: Oh no! No! No!

(Mario jumps out of the pipe.)

Luigi: Mario, hey, what's the matter? That's the way out!

Mario: I-I-I can't go back out there into the water, I-I-I'm afraid!

Luigi: Hey, Mario, use your noodle! If you stay here that mermaid will never stop chasing you! She wants to marry you!

Mario: I'd rather marry a fish than swim with one, Luigi!

(The doomsub drives over the city.)

Koopa: (over a megaphone) King Mackerel! People of Mertropolis! You have 20 minutes to surrender, or I will destroy your city!

Luigi: And now he's gonna fix us, yeesh!

Toad: We've gotta stop that crazy Koopa!

(King Mackerel runs up to Mario and co.)

King Mackerel: Sizzling sea serpents, Princess! Oh, am I glad to see you and the Mario Bros.! You've got to save us!

(Mario starts shaking.)

Mario: I-I'd really like to help you, King Mackerel! But-

King Mackerel: What's the matter? You're not afraid of King Koopa, are you?

Mario: Of course I'm not afraid of Koopa! I'm afraid of the water!

Princess: Don't worry, King Mackerel! We'll save Mertropolis somehow!

King Mackerel: You do that, and your every fish wish is my command!

(Luigi, Princess, and Toad jump into the pipe and some of the water splashes onto Mario.)

Mario: Yikes! Water!

(Mario hops on top of some blocks.)

Princess: Come on, Mario! Time to get your sea legs back! We'll be right here with you! You can do it!

Mario: Alright, I'm coming in!

(Mario jumps off the blocks.)

Mario: One for the money! Two for the show! Three to get ready! And no way I can go! I'm just too chicken to be a frog!

Princess: You can't let your fears stop you, Mario!

(A pair of Boomerang Bros. show up in the pipe.)

Toad: The Boomerang Bros.!

Princess: Koopa's invading Mertropolis!

(The Boomerang Bros. jump out of the pipe and throw boomerangs at Mario. Mario dodges them and grabs one, which he rides back to a Boomerang Bro and knocks him out.)

Luigi: Quite a feat, eh Princess?

Princess: Marvelous feat, Luigi! But we've got more Koopas to Koop up!

(More Boomerang Bros. come out of the pipe. Toad grabs some ring coral piece by piece and hands them to Princess, who throws them around the Boomerang Bros.)

Luigi: Hey, how about a game of leap-Frog Mario?

(The Marios jump over each other in a leapfrog fashion and kick aside the Boomerang Bros.)

Toad: You're history, Koopa breath!

Koopa: You may have stooped my Troopas, but you won't stop me! That was just the first wave of my attack!

Mario: Wave? Did he say wave? Where? Where?

Princess: Calm down! Calm down! Don't worry, Mario! You stay here, we'll stop the doomsub!

(Luigi, Princess, and Toad leave through the pipe and swim after the doomsub. Mario watches through the inside of the dome.)

Mario: Oh sure, don't worry! I'll just stay here and be a lily leapin' frog forever!

(Holly sees Mario's reflection in the water in the pipe.)

Holly: Mario! Oh, I knew it! You cared so much for me you couldn't leave!

(Holly starts rubbing the side of the pipe.)

Holly: Oh, have you been working out? Your frog belly's as solid as steel!

King Mackerel: Mario! Did you hear that? Koopa's preparing to attack!

Mario: Don't worry, King Mackerel! My brother and the princess will take care of him!

Holly: Huh? Oh Daddy, this is the frog prince I told you about! Prepare the royal wedding!

(Holly picks up Mario and walks off humming Here Comes the Bride.)

(Cut to the doomsub. Luigi, Princess, and Toad are swimming towards it. Hip and Hop look out the back window again and see them.)

Hip: Look Pop! It's that meddlesome-

Hop: Luigi, the princess, and Toad!

Koopa: Those lunkheads will never learn! Fire the nasty nets!

(Nets are shot out of the doomsub towards the good guys.)

Toad: Watch out for Koopa's nasty nets!

(The three of them swim away from the nets, which miss them. More nets are fired, and one of them catches Princess.)

Princess: Woah! Oh no!

(Another net catches Toad.)

Toad: Our clamps are really tight now!

(Luigi gets caught too.)

Luigi: Mario!

(Cut to Mertropolis.)

Holly: Oh, Mario! I'm gonna invite all of Mertropolis to our wedding!

Mario: Now that's something to be scared of!

Holly: Can't you just see it? We'll make such a lovely couple!

(Cut to the doomsub. Koopa is looking through the parascope.)

Koopa: Hmm. I wondered where that meathead Mario was!

(Koopa picks up the microphone.)

Koopa: Now here this, Mario!

(The residents of Mertropolis gather around.)

Koopa: You have my congratulations on getting married! And to show you what a nice guy I am, I'm gonna throw you a wedding shower!

(The doomship drops a Bob-omb on the dome, which breaks a hole and causes water to start pouring down and slowly flood the city. The merfolk start running around and panicking.)

Mario: I can't just hide under the table, I gotta do something!

(Mario hides behind a platform and looks up at the hole for a second.)

Mario: Come on, Mario! That creep Koopa's got the princess, Toad, and Luigi! Scared or not, I've gotta do something!

(Mario jumps on the platform and pulls out his plunger.)

Mario: Brave men die a single death! Cowards marry fishhead mermaids!

(The song Never Kiss a Mermaid starts.)

I'll tell you a tale
Listen if you wish
It's about a lady who was partly fish
She met a plumber
Who flipped her fins
And that's precisely how our story begins
Never kiss a mermaid
Cuz if you do
The mermaid's gonna want to marry you (Hey now, listen up here!)
The mermaid only wanted
To spend her life
Living underwater
As the plumber's wife
The plumber swam away
From the deep blue sea
Saying "Being with a mermaid isn't right for me!"
Never kiss a mermaid
Cuz if you do
The mermaid's gonna want to marry you
Never kiss a mermaid
Cuz if you do
The mermaid's gonna want to marry you

(Mario grabs a manhole cover with his plunger and swims up the falling water. He uses the cover to plug the hole. A Chain Chomp gets fired out of the doomsub towards Mario. Mario grabs it by the chain and tosses it over to Luigi, Princess, and Toad. It bites through the nets and frees them. Mario and Luigi uses a net to gather a group of Jelectros, which they swing around and toss at the doomsub. The electricity from the Jelectros puts the doomsub out of control, and it goes flying off.)

Koopa: I'll get you for this, Mariooooooooo!

(Cut to Mertropolis. King Mackerel places a medal around Mario's neck.)

King Mackerel: I bestow you the medal of Mertropolis, for your bravery!

Holly: Mario, my love! Time to put on your wedding day fish bowl!

(Holly places a fish bowl on Mario's head, which makes him look disfigured. Holly shouts.)

Holly: I can't marry him, Daddy! He-he-he's the ugliest looking frog I've ever seen!

(Mario takes off the fish bowl.)

Mario: I told you all along we were wrong for each other!

(Mario joins his friends.)

Mario: Phew, for a while there I thought I was sunk!

(Mario jumps on the pipe.)

Mario: Come on, let's get out of here before Holly gets over her fear!

(Mario jumps in the pipe and the other three follow. They swim towards the surface as the curtain falls.)

The End

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