Mario: Plumber's log, # 704. Our adventure-loving group had arrived in Victoria, land of mystery, cloaks and daggers, and screams in the night. [a woman screams in the distance] We had come to seek the help of the greatest detective of all time, Herlock Solmes.

(Open to a foggy night in a London-esque town. Mario and Luigi are driving a horse and carriage while Princess Toadstool and Toad ride in it.)

Princess: Herlock Solmes said he'd meet us on this street at midnight. Maybe he can help us free our people from the evil Koopa.

Toad: We gotta find the dude first! This fog is thicker than mushroom soup!

Mario: Did someone say soup? I'll have mine, with a double order of spaghetti!

Luigi: Gee, that Mario. He can pulverize a pasta factory and still have room for dessert!

Off-Screen Voice: Help!

Luigi: Huh? Who-o-o-oa!

(Luigi brings the carriage to a stop and the Marios hop off.)

Luigi: Holy ravioli! Someone's in trouble!

Off-Screen Voice: Help!

Mario: (pointing) This way!

(The Marios run in the direction of the voice.)

Luigi: (pointing) Mysterious meat sauce! Look!

(On the ground are a magnifying glass and detective’s hat.)

Princess: It's Herlock Solmes' hat and magnifying glass!

Toad: But where's Solmesy-wolmesy?

Mario: He must have been kidnapped!

Luigi: K-k-kidnapped?! B-by who?!

Mario: That I'm gonna find out-

(Mario trades the detective’s hat for his own.)

Mario: - or my name isn't Sherlock Mario!

(Cut to a manhole while a horse and carriage go over it.)

Koopa (off-screen): That lasagna-loving lunkhead will never find us down here!

(Cut to a well-furnished chamber in the sewer. It's Koopa's hideout. Cut to Koopa, dressed like a gentleman. He's even wearing a top hat and monocle.)

Koopa: And with Herlock Solmes my prisoner, I can now commit the criminal caper of the century!

Herlock (tied to a chair): You'll never get away it, Prof. Kooparity!

Koopa: Oh no? I'm afraid you're all tied up at the moment.

(Cut to Mouser, Koopa Troopa, and Triclyde. They are dressed as padfoots.)

Troopa: Ha ha ha! All tied up! That's a good one, boss! Ha ha ha! *bangs head on pipe* OUCH!

(Cut to Koopa and Herlock.)

Koopa: So, Mr. Smarty-Pants Detective, I'll bet you can't guess what my next caper'll be!

Herlock: Elementary, my dear Kooparity. You're going to break into the Tower of Victoria and steal a new weapon, the Retro-Rooter.

(At first, Koopa is at a loss. Then he turns to his lackeys.)

Koopa: Alright, which one of you bone-headed blabbermouths spilled the beans?!

Triclyde: Heh heh. I bet it was Mouser!

Mouser: Koopa Troopa's the bigmouth!

Troopa: You're the one, you limburger eatin' liar!

(The Koopa Pack engages in a not-so-friendly scuffle.)

Herlock: It was elementary, my dear Kooparity. That's just the kind of crime a crafty Koopa would commit!

(Koopa fumes for a second, then goes over to break up the fight, holding Triclyde in one hand and Mouser and Troopa in the other.)

Koopa: QUIET! You dimwitted dunderheads, we got a Koopa caper to commence!

(Koopa then boots his lackeys away. Cut to a house. It's address: 221B Bonkers Street.)

Princess (off-screen): So this is Herlock Solmes' famous home on Bonkers Street!

(Cut to the study. Mario looks around through his magnifying glass.)

Toad: What are we searchin' for?

Mario: Elementary, my dear fungus, a clue.

Luigi: Loony linguini! Mario thinks that hat makes him a detective!

(And so the Marios crawl around on the floor, Mario in the lead. They crawl under an armchair and Mario gets up and walks around. Toad sits on the ground and stops while Luigi helps Princess Toadstool through the chair.)

Mario (still walking): Don't give up! A good detective always uses his head! *bangs head on dresser* Ouch!

(Mario falls over. On the dresser is a strange box with a speaker and hearing horn, which turned on after Mario bumped into the dresser.)

Luigi: It's a dictator-machine!

Machine (Herlock's voice): ... and Kooparity's next move will be to steal the Retro-Rooter from the Tower of Victoria.

Luigi: Great garlic! The Koopa's here in Victoria!

Princess: I'll bet he kidnapped Solmes!

Mario: Let's catch that crummy Koopa, and cool his cockamainy crime!

(Cut to the Tower of Victoria; it looks like the Tower of London only more tipsy.)

Mouser (off-screen): These disguises were a great idea, boss!

(Cut to the inside. The Koopa Pack walk down a wide hallway past some suits of armor, dressed as British guards!)

Koopa: Of course it was a great idea, I thought of it, didn't I?! Only a crafty Koopa could figure out a way into the Tower of Victoria!

(Cut to a sign that says "Royal Retro Reuter --->". Koopa and company walk past the sign through a doorway.)

Mouser: Great balls of cheese! There's the Retro Rooter!

(Cut to the Retro Rooter locked behind some bars. It's a big machine with gears and a large pipe.)

Koopa: Magic potion, do your stuff!

(Koopa throws a potion. The potion sails through the air and against the bars. The bars open up.)

Koopa: With this new weapon, I'm gonna flood every drain in Victoria and fill the city with sewer water! Guh ha ha ha ha ha!

(Cut to some suits of armor. One suit opens his visor to reveal Mario!)

Mario: Not so fast, Koopa crabapple!

Koopa: Rotten reptiles! It's that pasta-eatin' plumber!

(The other suits lift their visors to reveal Princess, Toad, and Luigi!)

Princess: And his plumber's helpers!

Koopa: Launch the Koopa Pack attack!

Koopa, Troopa, and Mouser quickly grab a battle-ax, sword, and mace and surge forward.)

Mario: Let's give these Koopa clowns a taste of pasta power!

(The Marios surge forth armed with plungers. Mario and Koopa try to hit each other with their respective weapons, and Mario sticks his plunger onto Koopa's face and pulls.)

Mario: So, we meet again, you groudy greaseball!

(Mario’s plunger comes loose.)

Koopa: Ohh! To bad for you, faucet face!

(Meanwhile, Princess Toadstool tries to fight Triclyde, but his other heads keep firing fireballs.)

Triclyde: Heh heh. Three heads are better than one!

(Meanwhile, Mouser tries to hit Toad with his mace but keeps missing as Toad keeps jumping around.)

Mouser: Ohhhh! Hold still, you freaky fungus!

(Luigi and Troopa fence, but Troopa's sword slices the plunger end off Luigi's plunger.)

Luigi: Calaminous calzo! I've been disarm-meed!

(The Marios are then surrounded by the Koopa Pack.)

Koopa: Time to snare these linguini lickin' losers!

(Koopa pulls a lever. The Marios are pulled to the ceiling by a giant magnet.)

Marios: YEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOW!!!

Luigi: We're trapped! Like hairballs in a drainpipe!

Koopa: This time, I'm sending you drain-heads to the great waterworks in the sky!

(Koopa and the Koopa Pack laugh very, very, evilly. The Marios are now tied up and laid on a table.)

Princess: You better let us go, Prof. Kooparity, or else!

Koopa: You don't scare me, you linguini-lickin' losers!

(Koopa pulls a lever.)

Toad: Uh oh! Ultra bad scene, look!

(Cut to a swinging ax; every time it swings, it lowers closer to our heroes!)

Koopa: In a few moments, you'll be sliced salami!

(The Koopa Pack carry the Retro-Rooter out the door.)

Koopa: So long! Gotta go! [Note: He says something after "Gotta go" But I can't figure out what.]

(Koopa leaves and shuts the door.)

Princess: What are we gonna do?!

Mario: (straining) If only I can get the meatball sandwich outta my pocket!

Luigi: Sufferin' spaghetti! How can you think of food at a time like this?!

(Mario succeeds in pulling out the sandwich.)

Mario: Elementary, my dear Luigi! Watch!

(Mario eats his sandwich. His stomach then widens enough to break his ropes. He then unties Luigi. Mario and Luigi manage to carry the princess and Toad off the table just before the ax slices through it. The Bros. untie Toad and the princess.)

Toad: Whoa! That was a close shave dudes!

Mario: C'mon! Let's catch that crummy Koopa!

(The Marios race out of the tower. Cut to Koopa's sewer HQ. The Koopa Pack is working on the Retro-Rooter.)

Mouser: The Retro-Rooter's almost hooked up, boss!

Koopa: Soon I'll be the vilest villain to ever victimize Victoria! Ha ha ha! Whaddya think of me now, Mr. Detective Defective?

Herlock: Elementary, my dear Kooparity, you're a cross between a lizard and an inferior species of toad, your brain is smaller than a peanut. You got the lowest grades in your school and hold the world's record for flunking Kindergarten the most times. When you were little the other Koopas nicknamed you lizard lips and never let you play with them. You were a naughty lily-livered bullyboy and wet the bed until you were 12.

(Throughout this Koopa goes from mad, to madder, to the point of steam coming out of his nostrils. His flunkies find this hilarious and laugh hysterically.)

Mouser: Ho ho! Gee, he knows you pretty good, boss! OW!

Koopa: (grabbing Mouser) Who asked you, cheese breath?! (booting Mouser into the wall) Now get back to work, we've got a Koopa caper to commence!

(Cut to the Marios, walking down the street. Well, except for Mario, who's crawling on his hands looking through the magnifying glass.)

Toad: How are we gonna find old Koopa Doopa's hideout?

Mario: Elementary, my dear Toad, look! A Koopa clawprint.

(Cut to a trail of Koopa's foot- er, clawprints.)

Mario: The search is on!

(And so the Marios literally crawl through Victoria, following Koopa's trail down the street, up and over a wall, down the road, up a telephone pole, across the wires [at this part Luigi looks down and sees how very high it is], down another phone pole, and finally to a manhole.)

Mario: The Koopa clawprints stop at this manhole!

Princess: Then down the hatch!

(Luigi lifts the manhole cover and the Marios go down it. Cut to Koopa's HQ.)

Troopa: The Retro Rooter's ready, boss!

(Koopa goes over to the Retro-Rooter and holds the lever.)

Koopa: Then let's sink this city in sewer water!

Mario (off-screen): Not so fast!

(The Marios land in Koopa's HQ.)

Mario: Hold it right there, Koopa-creepo!

Troopa: Rotten cheese balls! It's those pepperoni plumbers!

Koopa: This time you eggplant-eatin' idiots are too late! (pulling lever) Ha ha ha ha ha!

(All at once the Retro-Rooter gets to work. Lights flash, gears turn, and pumps pump water out of the sewer and into Victoria! Pretty soon all of Victoria starts to fill up with sewer water. Back in Koopa's HQ, Koopa gives the go-ahead signal.)

Koopa: Koopa Pack, attack!

(They charge.)

Princess: C'mon! Let's clobber these Koopa clodhoppers!

(The Marios charge. Mouser runs up, then stops.)

Mouser: Huh?

(Toad sails through the air and delivers a flying kick to Mouser, sending him flying. Next up, Princess Toadstool gives a flying headbutt to Triclyde. Troopa and Luigi charge at each other, but Troopa ends up at the receiving end of a Luigi missile. Luigi, Toad, and the Princess applaud at their own success. Mario, swinging from a pipe, delivers a flying kick to Koopa, sending him flying!)

Mario: Take that, you Koopa crackpot!

Koopa: Whoa!

(Koopa goes sailing through the air and crashes into the Retro-Rooter, destroying it!)

Princess: Look! The water's draining back into the sewers!

(Koopa climbs out of what used to be the Retro-Rooter. Toad and the princess untie Herlock.)

Herlock: Kooparity, your Koopa caper is kaput.

Koopa: Then, as the old saying's goes, "He who koops and runs away, lives to koop another day!"

(Koopa throws a magic potion at the wall and a hole appears. He dives through it.)

Toad: Whoa! He's escapin' into a warp zone!

Luigi: Frusteratin' fetticini, the Koopa's escaped again!

Mario: Yes, but it's the last time that villain will visit Victoria! *wink*

(Cut to Herlock's home.)

Herlock: Thank you for saving Victoria from that renegade reptile.

Toad: Don't mention it, detective dude.

(Meanwhile, Mario searches the shelves.)

Mario: There must be some food around here somewhere! (Spying a cat carrier) Hmm, looks like a lunchbox!

(Mario opens the carrier.)

Herlock: Mario! Don't put your hand in there!!!

(It's too late, as Mario is now feeling around the inside. Suddenly...)

CHOMP!!!

Mario: YEEOW!

(Mario pulls out his hand, revealing the smallest (and most dangerous!) of cats chewing on his fingers!)

Herlock: That's the Killer Kitty of the Kaskervilles!

Kitty: Grr...

(The Marios and Herlock quickly try to pull the kitty off Mario's finger.)

Herlock: Pull! Pull! Pull!

Mario: This is the first time my lunch ever took a bite out of me!

(Fade out.)

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