(The episode opens to an establishing shot of the Princess' cottage.)

Mario: (in his mind) Plumber's Log, Number 4-4-2. The princess needed a hundred gold coins by tomorrow morning. Or else, the Mushroom Kingdom Orphanage would have to close down. We were desperately thinking of some way to raise the money.

(Cut to the inside of the cottage. Mario and Co are pondering at the table, just as Princess pounds her fists down on it.)

Princess: I could hock my jewels!

Mario: You already hocked them!

Princess: I could mortgage this cottage!

Luigi: You already did.

Princess: Well, you're all brilliant people! You make a suggestion.

(Everyone looks off to the side and spots the crown-wearing royal cow eating away at a pile of hay and mooing.)

Princess: We sell the royal cow.

(Princess walks up to the cow, unties the lead from a hook, and walks the cow over to the table.)

Mario: Okay, it's your decision. Come on, Luigi! Let's see what this Guernsey can earn-sey!

(The Marios walk out of the cottage and down the road with the cow.)

Toad: I think you should've sent me, Princess. I know the used cow market!

Princess: Nonsense, Toad, I need you here! And who could possibly mess up a simple thing like selling a cow for cash?

Toad: The Marios?

(Cut to a corale titled Cow World. The Marios are with Dealin' Delbert, a portly cowboy with a long nose. Delbert has the job and attitude of a used cow salesman.)

Luigi: Just tell us how many gold coins you'll give us.

Mario: She's the royal cow!

Delbert: Frankly friends, there's just not much demand for this model! She's a real hay burner! Tell you what, I really like you boys, so I'm gonna take her as a trade in.

Mario: We don't wanna trade! We wanna sell!

(The royal cow moos.)

Mario: Right! We need moolah! Money! Cash!

Delbert: Look at this here beauty!

(Delbert walks up to another cow wearing a sign that says '½ off'.)

Delbert: Four spigots, white sidewall hooves. You get at least twenty gallops at the hay bail! I'll trade you even!

Mario: You're not listening, mister! We don't need another cow! We need 100 gold coins!

Delbert: Anybody can sell a cow for gold coins!

Mario: Hey, we're anybody! How many gold coins are you gonna give us?

Delbert: *laugh* This is your lucky day, boys! I'm gonna give you a bargain you'll never forget, or my name isn't Dealin' Delbert!

(Cut to Princess' cottage in the evening. Mario and Co are surrounding the table by candlelight.)

Princess: You sold the cow for what?

Mario: Bean seeds! Real special beans!

Luigi: Garbanzo beans. Show her, Mario!

(Mario extends his hand out and reveals three ordinary-looking bean seeds.)

Mario: Dealin' Delbert said we really got the sweet end of the deal!

Princess: I can't believe this! You traded the royal cow for a handful of bean seeds?

Toad: Shrewd city, Mario! Who wants cash money when they can have a few garbanzos instead?

Mario: Gee, he really made it sound like they were our answer for everything!

Princess: Well they're not! And I'm allergic to garbanzo bean seeds!

(Princess sneezes, which blows the beans out of Mario's hand and out the window.)

Toad: Good riddance, Princess! I'll go to town in the morning and see if I can't con that conman out of a cow!

Princess: Let's hope! Meanwhile, we'd all better get some sleep. A-a-choo!

(The scene shifts to the yard. Suddenly, roots grow out of the bean seeds and seep into the ground. In addition, a beanstalk starts growing from out of the seeds and grows all the way up to the sky. The next morning, Princess and Toad exit the cottage.)

Princess: Appeal to that used cow salesman's sense of decency, Toad! Tell him this is a time when we just can't be cheated!

Toad: Don't worry, Princess!

(Toad begins to run off.)

Toad: I'll take care of i-i-i-i-it!

(Toad comes to a stop when he notices the huge beanstalk towering in front of him.)

Toad: Huh?

Princess: What's wrong, why don't you-

(Princess looks up and she too sees the sky-high plant. She then gasps. The Marios come outside, surprised to see the beanstalk as well.)

Mario: Holy ravioli!

Luigi: Uh oh! Great garbanzos!

Mario: Princess, you're gonna have a lot more money to save the orphanage than a cow could've gotten ya!

Princess: How's that?

Mario: There's tens of millions of garbanzo lovers in the world! And we're about to pick enough beans for 'em all!

(Mario and Co cheer and run over to the beanstalk. Cut to a higher part of the beanstalk in the sky. The song "I Heard it Through the Beanvine" starts up. [Note: This song is a slightly altered version of the song "I Heard it Through the Gravevine".] Mario and Co are climbing their way to the top.)

Mario: Let's keep going, and start pickin' 'em from the top on down!

(Luigi looks down.)

Luigi: I don't know, Mario! We're already too high!

Mario: That high air's quickly our instrument, so maybe you're right! We'd better turn back cuz-

(Mario hits his head on a ceiling and stops.)

Mario: Hey, there's some kind of door here!

(The song ends. Mario pushes away at the ceiling and reveals a large door, which, on the topside, is actually a trapdoor in the floor of a castle. Mario jumps up through the ceiling.)

Mario: Come on, what's to be afraid of?

(Luigi jumps up through the door. He then reaches his arm down and Princess grabs on. As he pulls Princess up, Toad grabs onto her feet and comes along for the ride. The four of them notice that they're in a castle so big, that they appear to be the size of rats in proportion.)

Luigi: Leapin' lasagna! This room's bigger than the Brooklyn Public Library! Wow!

Princess: And somebody awful big lives here!

Mario: Not just big, giant!

Luigi: (shivering) Well, this has been fascinating! Let's scramble home!

(Luigi runs back to the trapdoor, only for it to shut as he reaches it.)

Luigi: Uh oh!

(The others gasp as they see that the trapdoor is now closed. Luigi tries to pick up the enormous handle.)

Luigi: Hey, I think it's locked!

(The others help Luigi lift the handle, but they have no hope in actually lifting the door. They end up shoving the handle forward and Luigi falls over with it.)

Luigi: Woah!

Koopa (off screen):  Fum fee fi fo!

(Mario and Co hear giant footsteps and hide behind a chair leg.)

Koopa (off screen): I smell the brothers Mario!

Princess: It's King Koopa! He's turned himself into a giant!

Mario: We gotta get outta here!

(Luigi runs back to the trapdoor and tries lifting the handle again. The others also try to help him. At this point Koopa, who's now 100 feet tall, enters the room.)

Koopa: *laugh* It won't open, basin brains!

(Mario and Co all gasp.)

Koopa: Fee fum fi foo! I'm gonna cook some Mario stew!

(Koopa walks over to the stove, starts stirring a pot, and laughs. A door opens a crack.)

Mario: Run! I think we can make it out through that door!

(Mario and Co run over towards the door.)

Koopa: I told ya, you're staying to be my dinner!

(Koopa pulls on a handle and a metal door lowers itself in front of the original door. Mario and Co stumble and fall as Koopa laughs.)

Koopa: Now will ya believe me?

(Mario spots a window, but it too appears to be plumber-proof, as a metal door is suspended above it.)

Mario: That window! Let's try!

(Mario and Co run up to a pile of logs, which are next to a fireplace and beneath the window. Koopa patiently waits to see what happens.)

Mario: Up those logs! We can make it!

(Mario and Co hop up to the highest log, but the window is still too high for them to reach.)

Mario: Oh boy, no way we can make that jump!

(Koopa laughs.)

Mario: Luigi! Give me a hand with that poker there!

(The Marios run off screen and return carrying a log poker. They hold it up and try to reach the windowsill, although the poker is fairly heavy.)

Mario: That's it! Little more! More!

(The Marios manage to firmly rest the tip of the poker on the sill.)

Mario: You first, Luigi!

Luigi: You first, Mario! You're older!

Princess: You guys! I'll go first!

(Princess walks up the poker to the sill, and Toad follows. However, Koopa pulls another chain and the metal door comes down, blocking the window. Princess and Toad slide down the poker.)

Koopa: *laugh* Fee fi fo fum! I'll lock you up, cuz you're so dumb!

Mario: Luigi! That bellows!

(Mario points to a bellows lying next to the logs.)

Mario: You know that?

Luigi: I read you, paisano!

(The Marios jump down onto the bellows and then to the floor. Koopa approaches the logs and laughs as he spots Princess and Toad.)

Mario: Push, Luigi! Push!

(The Marios rotate the bellows so that it faces a pile of dust.)

Princess and Toad: Oh no!

(Koopa grabs the two of them and laughs. He then turns and faces the Marios, as they run onto the bellows' handle and begin bouncing on it like crazy.)

Koopa: Fum fee fi faddit! You two guys have really had it!

(A large dust cloud builds up which causes Koopa to sneeze, and he drops Princess and Toad.)

Mario: There's gotta be a way out!

(Mario and Co run over towards another door, which is open a crack.)

Mario: In there, that other room!

(The group enters the room, but comes to an immediate stop.)

Luigi: Strobbin' stromboli! It's a mountain of gold money!

(The group looks up and sees a huge pile of gold coins that almost reaches the ceiling. At the top of the ceiling is a birdcage with a small hole in the bottom.)

Toad: It's absolutely beautiful!

Princess: It's hideous! With this kind of money, Koopa can rule forever!

(Koopa closes the door behind them.)

Koopa: That's right! Forever! And since you admire my gold coins so much, you may remain with them-

(Koopa sticks his face through a wicket gate in the door.)

Koopa: -for the rest of your lives! Eventually, you'll be crushed by them! Watch this! Lay!

(In the cage is a normal-sized goose. Upon hearing Koopa's command, she forces herself to lay a few gold coins, which are soon lost in the huge pile.)

Mario: I'll be done! A goose that's better than the U.S. mint!

Koopa: That goose is gonna smother you brothers! Lay!

(Koopa closes the wicket gate.)

Mario: Hey, Koopa! I hope your big and tall shop blows up, with you in it!

(More coins are laid from the goose, which fall down the pile and roll around on the floor.)

Goose: Can you help me? I gotta get outta here! I'm laid out!

Mario: You've gotta get outta here? How about us?

Goose: I know a way if you can get me down.

(Mario run up to the top of the pile and bends away at the cage bars.)

Mario: I shouldn't help ya, cuz of all your gold coin-laying for that Koopa creep! There!

(The goose escapes from her cage, so she and Mario run down the pile of coins to the floor.)

Goose: Whew! What a relief! You got me wrong! He makes me do it with a magic spell!

Mario: Okay, where's the way out?

Goose: Under there!

(The goose points a branch in a corner surrounded by coins.)

Goose: Before the coins covered it I saw part of the garbanzo beanstalk creep through a tiny crack!

(Everyone walks up to the crack and Mario shovels some coins out of the way to reveal a crack in the floor. The song "I Heard it Through the Beanvine" starts up again.)

Goose: Look, the crack's grown bigger!

Mario: Goosey, we're good as gone! Everybody ready?

(Everyone jumps through the crack, slides down the branch and cheers. As they run along the branch, Princess looks down.)

Princess: Oh no! Look! Koopa saw we're missing and summoned his Hoopsters!

(Hoopsters are climbing up the beanstalk one by one.)

Mario: Only one way to fight 'em!

(Luigi plucks a bean from a pod. He passes it to Toad, who passes it to Princess, who passes it to Mario, who chucks it at a Hoopster. They do the same with more beans until the Hoopsters are all gone.)

Mario: Way to go, guys!

Toad: It's not over yet! Koopa can use this beanstalk to come after us!

(Cut to the base of the beanstalk. Everyone climbs down to the bottom.)

Luigi: We got just the thing for this beanstalk in our plumbing bag!

(Luigi runs off and returns with an axe that he uses to hack away at the beanstalk. The song ends.)

Goose: How can I ever thank you?

Mario: With gold coins, maybe? The princess here could use 'em to save the Mushroom Orphanage!

Goose: Sorry! Without Koopa and his magic spell, all you get are plain old eggs. Like one?

Mario: Forget it!

Luigi: TIMBEEEEER!

(The beanstalk starts to fall over, bringing the castle down with it. Coins break out through a wall and rain down on the cottage.)

Mario: Coins! And more coins!

Princess: The orphanage is safe!

(Koopa screams as the castle falls down and lands in a lake. Koopa emerges from the water and walks onto the shore, but now he's back to his normal size.

Koopa: *gasp* Oh no no no! It shrunk me!

(Mario and Co laugh at Koopa.)

Mario: Not your day, Koopa?

Koopa: This is just a small setback!

(Koopa runs off.)

Koopa: I'll return, bigger than ever!

(Mario and Co laugh some more.)

Mario: What a day! What a day! I'm starved!

Luigi: Me too!

Toad: Famished!

Goose: Good, have an egg!

(The goose forces herself to lay an egg. However, the egg that comes out is made of gold.)

Goose: Oh, I am sorry. I'll try again.

(The goose tries to lay another egg but nothing comes out.)

Goose: Oh darn! It's just terrible when ya can't help your friends!

(A second golden egg pops out of the goose.)

(Mario and Luigi are outside, walking past the basement window.)

Luigi: Yo, what should we do now?

Mario: What else? Let's eat lunch!

(The Marios walk down the stairs and enter through the front door, holding their plungers and rags.)

Luigi: Yo! That was some tough job!

Mario: Yeah, but we're the Mario Bros! We're the best!

Luigi: *laugh* Hey, it's gonna be fun havin' an exchange student here, no?

(The Marios walk down the stairs.)

Mario: Yeah, and he's a smart one too!

Luigi: Whadda ya mean "smart one"? How do you know that?

Mario: Well, because he sent this luggage ahead of him!

(Mario directs Luigi's attention to the center of the room, where a wooden coffin is lieing. The Marios walk up to the coffin.)

Luigi: *whistle* Woah! Some luggage!

Mario: Yeah! Got here this mornin' before you woke up!

Luigi: No kiddin! Oh, hey wait a minute! There's a note here!

(Luigi steps over to a note that's taped to the lid of the coffin.)

Luigi: Let me see. (reading) To the Mario Bros, from Transylvania! Please open as soon as possible, it's stuffy in here! (to Mario) Woah! Transylvania? Forget about it! This is our exchange student, Count Zoltan Dracula! Come on, Mario! Help me open this thing!

(Mario walks over to the other end of the coffin.)

Mario: I'll take over here! Wait, wait!

(Mario tries to open the lid while Luigi runs around the coffin, trying to fit a crowbar into different spots.)

Luigi: All right! Give it a push! Give it a push! Give it a bang!

(Mario tries moving the coffin around a bit.)

Luigi: I got! I got it! No, I don't got it!

Mario: From the front here!

Luigi: I got it! I got it! No, I don't got it!

Mario: This side!

Luigi: Hey, Mario! I'm gonna tell you the truth! I hate these childproof boxes!

Mario: Oh, they make 'em tight!

(Luigi attempts to open the lid with a crowbar.)

Luigi: I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it!

(Luigi opens the lid, revealing that Count Zoltan Dracula is asleep. Thunder clashes and the lights suddenly go out for a second, causing Luigi to shut the lid and shout.)

Luigi: Did you order a dead guy in a tuxedo?

Mario: Oh no, not me!

(Dracula reopens the lid and sits up.)

Dracula: Greetings! (to Mario) You must be Mario! (to Luigi) You must be Luigi! (to both) You must be kidding! This place is a dump! Oh well. Wake me up at sunsets. I am a night person, you know.

(Dracula lies down and shuts the lid.)

Luigi: Mario, forget about it. There's somethin' very strange about this guy!

Mario: B-b-b-but what's so strange about sleepin' in your clothes?

(Later, Luigi picks up a cup of coffee from the kitchen and walks over to the table. Mario is at the table eating a bowl of Nintendo Cereal System.)

Luigi: Yo, Mario! I'm tellin' you, there's somethin' very strange about this Zoltan guy, huh? Now last week, this guy tells me he's been goin' to night school for over three hundred years!

Mario: That'll be nothin! How about the barber, Scrawly Caboodle? He's been goin' to high school almost as long.

Luigi: You're right!

Mario: Come to think of it, he does sleep all day!

Luigi: *snicker* So do you, unless of course there's an Inspector Gadget marathon on TV!

Mario: Yeah, but I don't sleep in a box!

(Luigi holds out a white shirt with blood stains on it.)

Luigi: Hey, Mario! Find out who this guy's cleaner is, huh?

Mario: Why?

Luigi: I don't ever wanna go there! Sheesh. Look at these bills, huh! Bills and more bills! Huh!

(Luigi sits down and picks up some bills.)

Luigi: Three hundred dollars from a blood bank! Forty-two dollars for eyewash, for those big red eyes. Thirty-two dollars for dental floss for them big teeth!

(Outside, a bat flies past the basement window.)

Dracula (offscreen): Here comes the sun, little darlings! *humming*

Luigi: Blood bank?

Mario: Eyewash?

Luigi: Dental floss?

Mario and Luigi: He's a vampire!

(The Marios hug each other.)

Luigi: Vampire? All right! All right! It's all right! Mario, it's all right! I'm scared! I'll take care of you, don't worry!

(Later, Luigi, who's now holding a big black book titled "How to Get Rid of a Vampire", walks over to the couch with Mario. They sit down and open the book.)

Luigi: Let's see what we got! Wait, here's chapter one! Drive a steak through his heart!

Mario: Are you crazy? Steak is four fifty-nine a pound!

Luigi: All right.

(Luigi flips the page.)

Luigi: Here we go, chapter two. Take a pot filled with water, boil for two hours, add a little olive oil, slowly add basil, a pinch of oregano, two cloves of garlic-

Mario: W-w-w-wait a minute! That's Mama's recipe for tomato sauce!

Luigi: I knew it! She's been tryin' to kill us for years!

Mario: What else ya got?

(Luigi flips through a few more pages. Dracula sneaks up from behind.)

Luigi: Aha! If all else fails, send the vampire to the grocery store for some bread. While he's gone, you move.

Dracula: Excuse me!

(Thunder clashes, the lights go out for a second, and the Marios are stunned.)

Dracula: Relax. Would you really like to know how to get rid of a vampire?

Luigi: Yeah.

Dracula: Just ask me! I'll be out of here like a bat!

Luigi: Where does it say that?

(The Marios look through the book.)

Luigi: Until the next time-

Mario, Luigi, and Dracula: Do the Mario!

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