The Fire of Hercufleas

Submitted by Hip

(The episode opens to an ancient Greek-like land. Mario and Co are standing in front of a statue.)

Mario: (in his mind) Plumber's Log, Number 2-95. The ancient city of Mythis. We were looking for an old paisano of Toad's, whose name was-

(A closer shot of the statue shows that it is of a very big, muscular man who's wearing a chiton.)

Toad: The Mighty Hercufleas! They even built a statue to him! With one hand tied behind his back, he can beat King Koopa and all of his-

(Luigi yawns, and suddenly notices something.)

Luigi: Bad guys! Look behind us!

(In the distance, Mouser, who's dressed in a Greek robe and helmet, is riding an Ostro drawn chariot and approaching Mario and Co.)

Princess: Mouser!

Mario: Jumping gelato! I've got an idea!

(Mario jumps onto an empty pedestal.)

Mario: Up on the pedestals, everybody!

(Princess and Toad jump onto another pedestal and pose in one position.)

Princess: I gotcha, we're statues!

(Luigi gets onto Mario's pedestal, holds up Mario, and stands still as Mouser arrives and steps off the chariot.)

Mouser: I know those drain brain Marios are around here somewhere! We must've lost 'em!

(A small cloud of dirt floats in front of Luigi's face, almost causing him to sneeze.)

Mouser: I better report this to his royal repulsiveness, King Koopa!

(Mouser rides off just before Luigi sneezes and falls off of the pedestal with Mario. Princess and Toad get down as well.)

Luigi: King Koopa's here?

Toad: No sweat, Luigi! We'll get help from a genuine, first class, Grade-A hero!

(Toad points to the statue of Hercufleas.)

Mario: Come on, let's find this Hercufleas guy!

(Mario and Co start walking up the steps to an acropolis.)

Mario: Well, Toad sure has friends in high places!

Luigi: I'll say! There must be a thousand steps to go, before we reach the top!

(Mario and Co enter the acropolis and walk down a hallway.)

Toad: Introducing; Hercufleas! The mountain of muscle! The tower of power! The-

Luigi: Dumpy guy eatin' donuts!

Toad: Huh?

(In front of them is Hercufleas, but not the one Toad remembers. Hercufleas is incredibly fat and is lying in a chair, munching on donuts. Even his voice is gentler than one would expect.)

Hercufleas: Hi Toad! It's great to see ya again!

Princess: (to Toad) That's no way to stay healthy. Are you sure HE can help us?

Toad: (to Princess) Of course he can! (to everyone) So, Herc! *laugh* How's the hero biz?

Hercufleas: Oh, I don't do that stuff anymore, Toad! I've got a steady job! I'm the official guardian of The Great Balls of Fire!

(Hercufleas shows Mario and Co a glass urn with several fireballs floating around inside, and some floating over the rim. Hercufleas uses his arms to command a fireball, which goes flying around the room and almost hits Mario and Co.)

Mario: Leaping lasagna!

Toad: Woah!

(The fireball blows a hole in the wall.)

Toad: That's hot stuff!

Hercufleas: That's dangerous firepower, little buddy! And my job is to keep it from falling into the wrong hands!

(Cut to an acropolis on another hill, appropriately named the Koopacropolis. Koopa is there with several Beezos who are wearing Greek helmets.)

Koopa: Bring me The Great Balls of Fire!

Beezo: But your most imperial and magnificent Koopaness! The Great Balls of Fire are guarded by the legendary Hercufleas!

Koopa: Hercufleas? He's a has-been! Even you bonehead Beezos can stop that over-the-hill hero!

(The Beezos fly off.)

Koopa: Why am I cursed with such mush-headed minions?

(Mouser runs up to Koopa.)

Mouser: Ah, Mouser! I was just talkin' about you!

Mouser: Your most grand, majestic, and not at all overweight Koopa! Princess Toadstool and the Marios are near!

Koopa: Perfect! Once I have The Great Balls of Fire, I'll really heat things up for that Princess Fungus and her sewer simps! *laugh*

(Cut to Hercufleas' acropolis.)

Hercufleas: Sorry I can't help you beat King Koopa! But I'm just not much of a hero anymore.

Toad: Sure ya are! Guardin' this temple is plenty heroic! With you on the job, nobody'll get near The-

Beezo (offscreen): Great Balls of Fire! Dead ahead!

(Everyone gasps as they see the Beezos approach them.)

Toad: Ouch! Hey! Watch it!

Hercufleas: Woah! Be careful! Watch out! Be careful!

(The Beezos fly through Mario and Co and Hercufleas and grab the urn.)

Princess: They're stealing The Great Balls of Fire!

(Hercufleas runs up to the Beezos and waves his arms, but they knock him over as they make their getaway. Hercufleas runs after them.)

Hercufleas: Okay, I'm mad!

(Hercufleas gets up and runs after the Beezos.)

Beezo: Get this oversized hibachi back to the Koopacropolis! I'll take care of Hercufleas! *laugh*

(The other Beezos fly off with the urn while the Beezo leader flies down to Hercufleas.)

Hercufleas: Now I'm really mad!

Beezo: Mad? I'd say you're-

(The Beezo ties Hercufleas legs together.)

Beezo: -fit to be tied! *laugh* King Koopa was right! You're not a hero! You're a zero! *laugh*

(The Beezo flies off. Hercufleas loses his balance and falls down the steps.)

Toad: Herc! Watch out for-

(Hercufleas reaches the bottom and crashes into the pedestal of his statue.)

Toad: -that statue.

(The statue breaks in half and falls on top of Hercufleas, knocking him out.)

Hercufleas: Did anybody get the license number of that chariot that hit me? *sigh*

Mario: Don't worry, Hercufleas! Me and my brother'll catch those fire thieves!

Luigi: Right! We will?

(Mario grabs Luigi and runs off. Cut to the Koopacropolis. Koopa is standing in front of the urn.)

Koopa: These fireballs are fantastic! Think of the destruction! Think of the wreckage! Think of how much this'll lower my heating bill!

(The Beezo leader flies up to Koopa.)

Beezo: Sir! The Marios are coming!

(Koopa looks down the hill and sees the Marios running towards the Koopacropolis.

Koopa: If those faucet freaks want The Great Balls of Fire that badly, I'd hate to disappoint them!

(Koopa commands some of the fireballs down towards the Marios.)

Mario: Racin' rotini! We gotta run for our lives!

(The Marios run off, with the fireballs hot on their trail.)

Luigi: We're barbecued meatballs!

Mario: Not yet, Luigi! Look!

(The Marios run up to a fountain and dive in. The fireballs fly away as two pipe periscopes emerge from the water.)

Luigi: I hope this works!

(Mario emerges from the water.)

Mario: Come and get me, fireball!

(The fireballs head back towards the fountain, but Mario ducks back in. Luigi emerges and blows water out of his periscope at the fireballs, causing them to fly off. Mario reemerges.)

Mario: Nice spitting, Luigi!

Luigi: We're gonna need more than spit! With that kind of firepower, King Koopa's unstoppable!

Mario: Unstoppable? We're plumbers! If we can unstop a stop, we can stop the unstoppable!

(Luigi rings the water out of his hat.)

Luigi: Uh, yeah. But I still think we're in deep spaghetti!

Mario: Maybe we could use some help! What we need is the hero!

(Cut to Hercufleas' acropolis. Hercufleas sits back down in his chair.)

Hercufleas: Forget it, Mario! I don't stand a chance against King Koopa! He has The Great Balls of Fire!

Mario: But you have something Koopa doesn't! Us! My pudgy paisano, we're gonna coach you back into hero shape!

Hercufleas: Get me back in shape? How?

Princess: Magic? A potion?

Mario: Nope! With The Official Brooklyn Academy of Plumbing Workout!

(The Marios do a little dance.)

Mario and Luigi: No pain, no clog in the drain!

(Hercufleas starts his training by running up the steps very slowly. Luigi shakes his head and pulls out an hourglass stopwatch, which runs out of sand. Hercufleas then manages to do a chin-up, but only because Toad is pushing him upwards. Princess does a few jumping jacks, but Hercufleas can barely hop on one foot. Hercufleas lifts up a column, while Mario lifts up a hero sandwich and takes a bite. After some time, Hercufleas is back to his muscular self. He runs up the steps, much faster than Luigi expected him to. He then does some pushups, followed by some chin-ups, with Toad hanging onto his feet. He runs up the stairs again, and Mario and Co cheer. He then picks up Mario and Toad.)

Mario: Magnifico! You're stronger than Grandma Mia's garlic chip cookies!

Hercufleas: (in a tougher voice) I couldn't have done it without my personal trainers!

(Hercufleas puts Mario and Toad down.)

Hercufleas: Now, let's get The Great Balls of Fire back from King Koopa!

(Cut to the Koopacropolis. Koopa is standing in front of the urn, holding a trident with marshmallows on its tips.)

Koopa: Mouser! More marshmallows!

(Mouser carries a tray of marshmallows over to the urn.)

Mouser: Right away, oh Kooparific one! But, don't you think we oughtta save those fireballs to blast our enemies?

Koopa: What enemies, you repugnant rodent? I've already roasted 'em!

Mario (offscreen): Roasted us?

(Koopa shouts when he sees that Mario and Co and Hercufleas are standing at the entrance.)

Mario: You must've forgot about the power of positive plumbing!

Koopa: The Marios? You're supposed to be smoked! Did Jerkufleas save you? *laugh*

Toad: Watch that Jerkufleas stuff, King Stoopa!

Koopa: Beezos to battle stations! We'll fry the funny fungus first!

(Toad screams as one of the Beezos flies towards him and picks him up. The Beezo flies over the urn and drops Toad.)

Toad: Oh no! Help! I'm too young to fry!

Hercufleas: Soft landing, coming right up!

(Hercufleas grabs the tray of marshmallows from Mouser and hurls it on top of the urn. The song "Great Balls of Fire" starts up. Toad lands on the marshmallows and bounces off, just as the Beezos approach it.)

Beezo: This could be a sticky situation!

(The Beezos fly into the now melted marshmallows and get stuck together. Koopa commands a fireball to go after Hercufleas.)

Koopa: Stop this, Hercuflop!

Hercufleas: I'm not a flop anymore!

(Hercufleas grabs a column and uses it to hit the fireball away. Koopa commands more fireballs at Hercufleas, but when he hits them, they break up and go flying around all over the place. The Marios use pipes to reflect the fireballs. One of the fireballs chases Toad off an edge.)

Princess: Toad!

(Toad screams, but he manages to grab a Fire Flower and powers up to Super Toad.

Princess: *gasp* He's okay! Toad grabbed a magic Fire Flower!

(Toad soars back up the cliff to the top.)

Toad: Call me Super Toad!

(Toad shoots a fireball at Koopa. Koopa retaliates by sending more fireballs at Toad. Toad and Koopa then shoot some more fireballs at each other. Eventually, the last fireball in the urn fizzles away.)

Koopa: You pathetic little firecrackers! Don't Koop out on me! Ahh, I can trounce this mush twerp fire or no fire!

(Toad readies another fireball.)

Toad: Feelin' lucky, Koopa?

(Koopa runs off as Mario and Co and Hercufleas gather around the urn. The song ends.)

Hercufleas: The Great Balls of Fire!

Princess: They're history!

Koopa: And so am I! Where's my getaway chariot?

(Mouser's chariot arrives at the entrance and Koopa gets on.)

Koopa: So long, flush faces! Ya can keep your Great Balls of Fizzle!

(Koopa and Mouser ride off.)

Hercufleas: Koopa's escaped. The Great Balls of Fire are kaput. Some hero I turned out to be.

Mario: Don't give up, Herc! There's a super fungus among us!

Toad: Need a little warm up? No problem!

(Toad shoots a fireball into the urn, which becomes the new Great Balls of Fire. Cut to Hercufleas' acropolis. Toad is back to his normal self.)

Hercufleas: You did it! The Great Balls of Fire are burning brighter than ever, Toad!

Princess: Next time I need a hero-

(The camera scrolls down to show that a statue of Toad has been built next to the one of Hercufleas.)

Princess: -I know where I'll look!

(Toad smirks and everyone else laughs.)

Mario: Well, I need a hero right now! A hero sandwich!

The End

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