Star Koopa

Submitted by Hip

(The episode opens to outer space. An enormous faucet-shaped spacecraft known as the Koop Star is pursuing another smaller spacecraft, which looks like a cross between a pizza and the Star Trek Enterprise, known as the Flying Pizza.)

Mario: (in his mind) Plumber's Log, Number 2001. We were on our way to help a space colony of Mushroom people, because that dastardly tyrant, Darth Koopa, was threatening to blow up their planet. Suddenly we realized WE were the ones who needed help.)

(Cut to inside the Flying Pizza. The Marios are at the front driving, while Princess and Toad are playing cards at a table in the back.)

Luigi: *gulp* Uh oh! Mario, check your rear view video screen!

(Mario presses a button, and the Koop Star appears on a screen.)

Mario: Koop Star! It's Darth Koopa's ship! It's right behind us!

(Mario presses another button and speaks through the loudspeaker.)

Mario: This is your plumber speaking! The fasten seatbelts sign has been turned on!

(The words "FASTEN SEATBELTS" appear on a monitor by Princess and Toad, who put down their cards and fasten their seatbelts.)

Toad: Just when I was winnin'!

Mario: Hang on, I'm pouring on the pasta power!

(Mario activates the plunger-shaped retro rockets and speeds ahead of the Koop Star. Cut to the control room of the Koop Star. Inside is Darth Koopa himself, who's wearing a black helmet and visor much like Darth Vader's, but with his snout exposed. He's also wearing a navy blue cape, and has the middle part of Vader's suit running down the middle of his body, leaving his sides exposed. With him is Mouser, who's dressed like an Imperial Officer.)

Koopa: Princess Toadstool and the Marios are getting away! Put the pedal to the metal, Mouser!

Mouser: Aye aye, Darth Koopa sir! Don't worry, your great galacticness, we'll catch 'em! The spaceship hasn't been built that could outrun Koop Star, including that bucket of bolt plumbing fixture they call the Flying Pizza!

(Mouser pushes several buttons, pulls the gearshift into overdrive, and steps on the accelerator, which activates the Koop Star's retro rockets. As the Koop Star gives chase, Mouser brings up a radar screen, which shows the Koop Star approaching the Flying Pizza.)

Koopa: Go to Warp 10, Mouser! Close in and activate the tractor beams!

(Koopa turns his attention towards a team of Troopas dressed up like Stormtroopers, who are better known as Stormtroopas.)

Koopa: Prepare to board enemy craft! Do what you want to those plumbers and that fungus Toad, but I want the Princess Toadstool taken prisoner!

(The Koop Star reaches the Flying Pizza and shoots it with a tractor beam.)

Mouser: Tractor beam engaged your royal spaceyness!

(The tractor beam pulls the Flying Pizza into the docking bay.)

Koopa (over the loudspeakers): Stormtroopa pack, attack!

(The Stormtroopas enter the docking bay and run up to the Flying Pizza. Cut to inside the Flying Pizza.)

Mario: Prepare to repel quarters!

Toad: That's what my landlady said when I asked for my cleaning deposit back!

(Mario and Co pull out and activate weapons that resemble lightsabers, except that they're actually pointed beams of energy as opposed to lasers. Luigi hasn't managed to get his working yet.)

Mario: Come and get it, Koopa!

Luigi: *nervously* Wait a second! Is it this button? I-is it that? I don't. I forgot how to work my lightplunger!

(Luigi activates his lightplunger, but hits himself in the face in the process. He hands his lightplunger to Princess.)

Princess: Just say the magic words, Luigi! May the pasta be with you!

(The Stormtroopas enter the ship, with lightplungers in their hands. Mario knocks one of them over with his lightplunger. Two Stormtroopas come after Toad, but end up missing Toad and hitting each other since he's so short. One Stormtroopa grabs onto Princess' lightplunger, but he gets zapped. Another Stormtroopa is holding Luigi upside-down. Princess hits him with her lightplunger, which shocks him, and he falls over when Luigi taps him. Mario and Toad toss the last Stormtroopa onto a pile of the rest of them. At this point, Koopa enters the ship.)

Koopa: If you want something wrong done right, you gotta wrong-do it yourself! Get out of my galaxy, Marios! You're trespassing!

Princess: You're wrong, Koopa! We have a perfect right to be here, and so do the Mushroom space colonists!

Mario: Yeah, and if you think we'll let you destroy their planet, you're really spaced out! Engarde, hot shell! I'm gonna make linguini outta you!

(Mario reactivates his lightplunger.)

Koopa: I'd like to see ya try it, meatball!

(Koopa pulls out and activates his lightplunger as well.)

Mario: Take the plunge, Koopa!

(Mario and Koopa get into a lightplunger duel. Princess, Luigi, and Toad cheer Mario on, but Koopa has Mario up against the wall.)

Koopa: I have you now, macaroni mouth!

Mario: Don't be so sure! May the pasta be with me!

(Mario runs up to Koopa and swings his lightplunger a few more times. Mario jumps up and kicks Koopa in the face, knocking him against the wall. Mario walks up to Koopa, pointing his lightplunger at him.)

Mario: Say uncle, or I'll unplug your innards, darth barth!

(Koopa pulls out a freeze ray.)

Koopa: Cool it, faucet face!

(Koopa shoots a blast of ice at Mario, freezing him and his lightplunger in a solid shell of ice.)

Princess: Mario! Yikes, he's frozen solid! Defrost him this instant, you beast!

Koopa: Chill out, Princess!

(Koopa freezes Princess, followed by Luigi and Toad. Cut to the Koop Star's control room, where Mario and Co are still frozen.)

Koopa: It's music to my ears! Okay, Mouser! Heat 'em up!

(Mouser shoots Mario and Co with his heat ray, causing them to defrost and wake up.)

Mario: *yawn* I just had the strangest dream. I was a TV dinner!

(Mario then realizes what's going on.)

Mario: Koopa! You fiend!

(Mario walks up to Koopa, but Mouser points his freeze ray at him.)

Mouser: Back off, plumber! Or I'll freeze your friends for good!

Princess: What do you want with us?

Koopa: I though you'd never ask.

(Koopa presses a button, which brings up a monitor.)

Koopa: Princess Toadstool, I have to destroy the Mushroom colonists' planet, because they refuse to turn it over to me! But they'll listen to you!

(On the monitor, a globe-shaped planet is shown.)

Koopa: Tell 'em to give up, or face the power of my unstoppable Birdo Ray!

(On the monitor, the Koop Star shoots an egg shaped missile at the planet, which covers the surface in yolk.)

Princess: My people will never give up, Koopa! Even if I order them to, which I won't! You're wasting your time!

Koopa: For once I think you're right, Princess Toadstool! Mouser, activate the Birdo Ray!

Mouser: Aye aye, sir!

(Mouser presses some buttons, pulls a lever, and a digital timer extends out of the Koop Star.)

Mouser: Thirty minutes to firing time, your royal badness!

Koopa: Now, escort our guests to the intergalactic infigurator, and make space garbage out of 'em! *laugh*

(Cut to the Koop Star's trash compactor room, where Mouser and Mario and Co are standing on a platform at the top. Below them is a shaft with a bunch of buzz saws at the bottom. Mouser is pointing to a flow chart of the trash compactor.)

Mouser: As you can see, Koop Star is equipped with the latest in garbage disposal technology! If I may call your attention to our flow chart, you'll see that you'll be sliced and diced here-

(Mouser points the at the funnel-shaped area at the top where the buzz saws are.)

Mouser: -compacted here-

(Mouser points to an area in the middle of the flow chart.)

Mario: He's showing a plumber how a garbage disposal works?

Mouser: -and ejected into space here-

(Mouser points to an area near the bottom.)

Mouser: -neatly packaged in a space age biodegradable garbage pod, and never to bother us again! *laugh* Have a nice day!

(Mouser pushes a button, causing the section Mario and Co are standing on to tilt, and the four of them fall into the trash compactor. Mario pulls out his real plunger, presses it against the wall, and holds with one hand. Princess grabs onto Mario's other hand, while Toad grabs Princess' foot with one hand and Luigi's pants with the other. They are now hanging over the buzz saws and Luigi is upside-down, just inches above the blades.)

Luigi: *gasp* No wonder Mama told us to be careful in these things!

Princess: She was right, Luigi!

Mario: Hey, you remember all those garbage disposals we fixed back in Brooklyn?

Luigi: Yeah, they all had silverware stuck in them! But I was saving these for our next picnic lunch!

(Luigi pulls out a fork and spoon. Mario's plunger is about to loose its grip on the wall.)

Mario: If you don't toss 'em quick, we'll be the picnic lunch!

Luigi: Okay. High ho silverware!

(Luigi drops his cutlery into the buzz saws, causing them to malfunction and shut down. The four of them all cheer, just as the plunger slips off the wall. They fall past the buzz saws and into the depths of the trash
compactor.)

(Cut to the control room.)

Koopa: Today, the Mushroom planet! Tomorrow, the Milky Way! Next week the universe will be: The Koopaverse!

(Mouser runs up to Koopa.)

Mouser: The plumbers are disposed of, your vast emptiness!

Koopa: Disposed of! *laugh* That's a good one! *laugh*

(Mouser points out the window.)

Mouser: That's them now! All wrapped in a garbage pod with no place to go but down!

(A rocket trashcan shoots out of the Koop Star, down towards the desert planet of the Mushroom colony. Mario and Co are riding inside.)

Luigi: Bein' garbage really makes a guy feel down in the dumps!

Mario: Everybody got their seatbelts on? We're in for a rough landing!

Princess: What seatbelts?

(The garbage pod lands on the surface of the planet, causing Mario and Co to go flying. Luigi lands on a Pokey, who knocks him off.)

Luigi: Oops, sorry!

(Mario, Princess and Toad are sitting on what looks like a spotted red rock.)

Princess: Next time you send us through space in a garbage pod, Mario, make sure it has seatbelts!

Mario: Sorry!

(Mario bangs on the rock.)

Mario: This rock is hard!

Toad: It got me in the funny bone!

(Toad kicks the rock.)

Toad: Take that, rock!

(The rock starts to move.)

Toad: Wait! I didn't mean it!

(The three of them jump off, and the rock turns out the be a large Cobrat. They run off and bump into Luigi. The Cobrat spits a bullet at them, but misses and hits the Pokey, which causes it to blow up.)

Mario: Follow me I have a plan!

(Mario and Co run around the Cobrat in circles, making it dazed and confused, as well as twisted. The four of them stop running.)

Mario: Watch this!

(The Cobrat unravels, but is too dizzy to care about Mario and Co.)

Mario: Hop on, quick!

(The four of them get onto the Cobrat's back.)

(Mario pulls out his plunger and shoves it into the Cobrat's mouth, using it as a reins.

Mario: High ho Cobrat, away!

(Mario kicks the Cobrat and they ride off.)

Toad: Way to go, Ma-ri-o! We'll get to the Mushroom colony just in time for lunch!

Mario: Lunch? Giddy up, Cobrat!

(Cut to the Koop Star.)

Koopa: How much longer until my Birdo Ray destroys the space Mushrooms' planet?

Mouser: Sixteen minutes and counting, Darth Koopa sir!

Koopa: Ah! Sixteen minutes and I'll be the undisputed ruler of the galaxy!

(Cut to the space colony. Mario and Co are with a wise, old, bearded Mushroomer by the name of Obi-Wan Toadi. Various colonists are running around in panic.)

Princess: In fifteen minutes this planet will be history! Can't we do something?

Mario: For starters, we can have lunch! I always fight better on a full stomach!

Obi-Wan: There is no time, Mario!

Princess: But we can't just give up, Obi-Wan Toadi!

Obi-Wan: Someone must penetrate Koop Star, in a Mushroom Starfighter, and disable the Birdo Ray!

Mario: Then can we have lunch?

Obi-Wan: Of course.

Mario: I'll do it!

(Princess, Luigi, and Toad cheer. Cut to the colony's hangar, where the Mushroom Starfighters are parked. Each starfighter looks like five faucets attached together. Mario gets into his starfighter.)

Obi-Wan: Are you nervous, Mario?

Mario: Who? Me? Nah! Well, sort of!

(Obi-Wan hands Mario a box of pizza.)

Obi-Wan: This will bolster your spirits, my son!

(Mario grabs the box.)

Mario: Not to mention my appetite!

Obi-Wan: Remember, may the pasta be with you!

Mario: All right!

(Mario gives a thumbs up. He closes the dome top of his starfighter and blasts off. Obi-Wan gives a thumbs up to Luigi, Princess, and Toad, and they blast off too. As they approach the Koop Star, several starfighters, each in the shape of a roasted turkey, show up. Koopa and Mouser are watching everything from the control room.)

Koopa: Stormtroopa Pack! Attack! Attack!

(The timer now reads 4:25. The Stormtroopas fire some energy blasts at Mario and Co. Toad fires a shot at a Stormtroopa, which blows up his starfighter and he bails out. Two Stormtroopas approach Princess and she almost crashes.)

Princess: Huh? Oh no!

(Princess maneuvers away from the Stormtroopas' starfighters, and the two collide. Mario drives over to the surface of the Koop Star and through a canyon. He dodges a few enemy shots, and swerves through a narrow passage, which a Stormtroopa crashes into. Another Stormtroopa fires at Mario, but Toad blows up his ship and gives a thumbs up to Mario. With just seconds remaining on the timer, Mario enters a hole in the Koop Star and flies through a room full of pipes. He opens up his dome and tosses a Bob-omb at the structure in the center of the room. The whole system of pipes then blows up and Mario flies off. Koopa and Mouser get onto an inflatable raft just as the Koop Star explodes. Mario flies away laughing at Koopa and Mouser, who are riding the raft in space.)

Koopa: Wait! I'll getcha! Woah! Woah!

(The starfighters return to the hangar, where a crowd of Mushroomers cheer for them. Mario and Co exit their starfighters.)

Obi-Wan: My friend, you were wonderful! The Mushroom space colonists thank you for your bravery under fire!

(Mario holds up the pizza box.)

Mario: I couldn't have done it without that little snack you fixed, Obi-Wan Toadi! Or without the help of my fearless friends!

(Mario looks back at Luigi, Princess, and Toad.)

Mario: I guess you could say, "The pasta was with us!" Speaking of pasta, where's that lunch you promised?

(Mario and Co and Obi-Wan laugh.)

The End

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