Plumber's Academy

Submitted by Hip

(The episode opens to an establishing shot of one of Koopa's castles somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom. Up in one of the towers, Mario and Co run out of an entrance onto a balcony shouting and run back through another entrance.)

Koopa: Wait! Hang on a minute, you fooling faucet heads! Wait up! Wait up!

(Koopa and some Troopas chase after Mario and Co, who are now running down some stairs.)

Mario: (in his mind) Plumber's Log, Number 2-18. We were up to our moustaches in pickle soup. But things were about to get worse.

(Mario and Co find themselves in an atrium, surrounded by Koopa, Mouser, and some Troopas.)

Koopa: You're all stopped up, drain brains! Koopa Pack, attack!

(The Troopas and Mouser run up to Mario and Co with swords. Mario pulls out a golden plunger and Luigi pulls out a golden wrench.)

Mario: Engarde!

(The Marios fight off the Troopas and Mouser with their tools, but Koopa grabs Princess.)

Princess: Yow! Put me down, you scaly scum!

Mario: I hate to part with you, but the princess needs help!

(Mario throws his plunger at Koopa, and it lands right on his snout. Princess runs back to the others.)

Koopa: I'll get you for this, Mario! When you hurt Koopa's nose, you've blown it!

(Koopa pulls a rope and the floor beneath Mario and Co crumbles, revealing a hole. The four of them fall in and land at the bottom of a pit.)

Koopa: That'll teach those tap turkeys!

(Koopa places a grate on top of the hole and gets down on the floor.)

Koopa: Ow! Get this thing off!

Mouser: With pleasure, your reptilian rottenness!

(Mouser tries to pull the plunger off of Koopa's snout, but ends up losing his grip and flies backwards.)

Koopa: OUCH! I meant the plunger, rodent! Not my nose!

(Meanwhile, Mario and Co are stuck at the bottom of the pit. Luigi, Princess, and Toad try looking for a way out, including a sealed pipe, but Mario just sits there.)

Luigi: Mario! Come on, we gotta get out outta here!

Mario: Who cares? That slimy snake breath Koopa has my plumber's helper! Who knows what he'll do to it?!

(Princess taps Mario's shoulder.)

Princess: I'll buy you a new one!

Mario: It's one of a kind! The President of the United States gave that plunger to me personally! At the White House!

Toad: The President? WOW! What for?

Mario: It all started the day Luigi and I entered the Brooklyn Plumber's Academy to start our basic draining!

(A flashback starts. The Marios are in Brooklyn, carrying suitcases and walking along a campus towards an old fashioned building with pillars at the front and the word "ACADEMY" over the entrance. In front of the building is a plunger statue.)

Mario: (narrating) And got assigned the meanest, nastiest, Drain Sergeant ever!

(A voice, which sounds exactly like Koopa's, is coming from a megaphone inside the building.)

Voice: Okay scumballs! Stand tall! Shoulders back! Stomachs in!

(Cut to a classroom, where Kooperman, a big, fat, big-nosed sergeant is yelling through the megaphone at several plumbers, one of whom looks a lot Wario. The Marios line up next to the other plumbers.)

Kooperman: I'm Drain Sergeant Kooperman, and you are the crummiest, most lovingly-

(Kooperman walks up to Mario, who sucks in his gut, along with Luigi.)

Kooperman: -shortest would-be plumbers I have ever seen!

(Luigi lets his gut out and sighs.)

Kooperman: How do you and this *removes the megaphone* "paunch" expect to fit under a sink?

(Mario sucks his gut back in.)

Mario: Hey, leave my brother's paunch out of this!

(In Kooperman's other hand is a cup of coffee. Mario exhales into it and it splashes all over Kooperman.)

Kooperman: Watch it, klutz! You guys look more like drain clogs than plumbers! We need men with the right stuff!

Mario: We got the right stuff!

Kooperman: You got the wrong stuff! You'll flunk out the first day! I'll see to it personally!

(Cut to an alley. The Marios are each carrying a bathtub over their heads, with Kooperman walking backwards in front of them, speaking through the megaphone.)

Kooperman: Hup, hup, hup, hup! Faster recruits, faster! Now, halt!

(Kooperman puts down the megaphone and the Marios stop.)

Mario: But Sergeant Kooperman, this is a fire escape! Where are we putting the tub?

(They look up at a fairly high fire escape. Kooperman laughs.)

Luigi: We really have to do this to become a plumber?

Kooperman: If ya don't, I get to boot ya right out of the Plumber's Academy!

Mario: Piece of parmesan cheesecake, right Luigi?

Luigi: I think I wanna reconsider my career options!

(The Marios begin to carry the tubs up the fire escape.)

Kooperman: Hup, hup, hup, hup!

(Cut to the room at the top floor of the building by the fire escape. Kooperman is pacing back and forth in front of the window. After a while, the Marios enter through the window with the tubs.)

Kooperman: What took ya so long?

Mario: Can we take a break and tell ya? *gasp*

Kooperman: Take a break? Ha, are you kiddin'? You're gonna carry that tub back down and do it again!

(The Marios go back out the window and Kooperman speaks through the megaphone again.)

Kooperman: Hup, hup, hup, hup!

Luigi: Are you sure we wanna be plumbers?

Mario: Keep plunging, Luigi! We gotta show Kooperman we got the right stuff!

(The Marios reach the bottom and come back up. Later, the Marios are back with Kooperman, and are trying to unclog sinks with plungers. Kooperman pulls out a stopwatch.)

Kooperman: Ya got ten seconds to unplug that sink!

(Kooperman starts the stopwatch.)

Mario: Only ten?

Kooperman: Now ya got eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two!

(Sludge comes flying out of both drains and onto Kooperman's face.)

Kooperman: That does it! You two are on K.P.!

Mario: K.P.?

(Mario shivers.)

Kooperman: Yeah! Killer Plumbing!

(The scene shifts to outside. The Marios are digging at the bottom of a hole, and stop to catch their breaths.)

Mario: *gasp* Excuse me, Sergeant Kooperman! *gasp* Could we please have a drink of water? *gasp*

Kooperman: Ha! The guy is about to flunk out of Plumber's Academy, and he wants water!

Luigi: I guess that means no!

Kooperman: Now get up here!

(The Marios jump out of the hole.)

Kooperman: Okay, this is your last chance! Ya got twenty minutes to fit all those pipes together!

(Kooperman points to a pile of various pipes.)

Mario: Yes sir, Sergeant! Where are our wrenches?

Kooperman: Who said you get wrenches? Now get to work!

(The Marios run up to the pipes and begin to fit them together. Eventually they manage to attach them all together and construct a wobbly, oddly-shaped structure of pipes. Kooperman stops his stopwatch.)

Kooperman: Time's up, recruits! Now for your final test!

Luigi: But Sergeant, this isn't fair! We didn't have wrenches!

Kooperman: Who said I was fair?

(Kooperman turns on a tap and water goes running through a hose to the structure. The force of the water causes the pipes to collapse and fall around the Marios, trapping them. The water is slowly filling up between the pipes, where the Marios are.)

Luigi: Help! We're drowning!

Kooperman: Help? I don't help guys with the wrong stuff!

(Kooperman tosses some more pipes on top of the pipes that are already there.)

Kooperman: You'll never be plumbers! And that's what they'll put on your tombstone!

Mario: Push, Luigi! Push!

(The Marios push away at the pipes, revealing an opening. The water washes them away onto the main campus.)

Luigi: Holy macaroni!

Mario: Mamamia!

(The Marios end up in front of a statue of another familiar plumber, who's holding a wrench.)

Mario: Luigi, look! It's Salvador Drainado! The founder of the Plumber's Academy!

Luigi: The most famous plumber who ever lived!

Mario: Look what it says on the plaque! *reading* When the plumbing gets tough, the tough get plumbing!

Luigi: Yeah, but we got the wrong stuff and we got flunked!

Mario: I can't quit now, Luigi! I was born with a plunger in my hand!

Luigi: I know! Boy, it was awfully hard on Mom! Come on, we gotta find some other kind of line of work! Maybe we could be librarians!

(The Marios walk off. They soon reach a street corner, where decorations have been set up and a crowd is standing by the side of the street.)

Mario: Hey, what's goin' on?

Cop: Where ya been? Down a sewer pipe? The President of the U.S. of A. is showing the President of Russia around Brooklyn!

Mario: Eh, Luigi! Let's stake out a seat!

(The Marios sit down on their suitcases. Nearby, two construction workers are filling in potholes. In an apartment by the potholes is Kooperman, who's using a plunger in a woman's kitchen sink.)

Kooperman: Don't worry, dear! Your plumbing'll be like new when Sergeant Kooperman is through!

(Kooperman hears someone whistle and looks outside. A man is carrying a bag of drain clearer onto a pile. He then gets back into his truck and drives off.)

Kooperman: Ah! A month's supply of Drain Buster is here! That should do the trick!

(Kooperman goes outside and accidentally grabs a bag of the construction workers' concrete, instead of the drain clearer, and walks back inside.)

Construction Worker: Hmm, I wonder what he wants with concrete!

(Kooperman pours the concrete down the drain.)

Kooperman: Good! We'll add some more!

(The concrete starts bubbling up through the drain and the woman gasps.)

Kooperman: *laugh* Better fix it at the manhole!

(Kooperman goes back outside and pours some concrete down into a manhole. The construction workers walk up to him.)

Construction Worker: Hey, sewage for brains! What're you doing with my fast drying concrete?

Kooperman: You say "fast drying"?

(Some concrete flies out of the manhole and into Kooperman's face. Cut to the crowd.)

Mario: Look, Luigi! It's the President! Right here in Brooklyn!

(The crowd cheers as a convertible sporting the flags of the U.S. and Russia drives by. Riding in the back are the two presidents themselves, who wave to the crowd. Suddenly, water comes gushing out of the sewer and begins to flood the street. The crowd runs off, while the car starts to get washed away.)

Cop: Quick! We gotta save the President! Is there a plumber in the house?

Mario: Luigi! This is our big chance to prove we're really plumbers!

Luigi: But Sergeant Kooperman says we got the wrong stuff! And- and this is the worst leak anyone's ever seen!

Mario: Remember, Luigi! When the plumbing gets tough, the tough get plumbing!

Luigi: Yeah! The tough get plumbing!

(The song "Workin' For a Livin'" starts up. The Marios run out of a scuba shop wearing flippers, oxygen tanks, and diving masks. Mario grabs one of the construction workers' jackhammers. The Marios are now standing on top of a platform. They shake hands and jump in the water. They go down into the sewer and swim through a pipe. An alligator swims up to them, so they turn around and swim through the other pipe. They find the concrete, which has hardened and clogged up all the water. Mario drills through the concrete
with the jackhammer, allowing the water to go through. The water on the street drains away, allowing the car to continue. The Marios climb out of a manhole and the crowd surrounds them. The song ends.)

Cop: Thank you, boys! The presidents are safe!

(Cut to the White House lawn. The Marios are standing in front of a podium by the President.)

Mario: *narrating* So the President invited Luigi and me to the White House and presented me with my golden plumber's helper, and Luigi with a golden wrench.)

(The President hands the Marios their tools as the flashback ends.)

Mario: But now, Koopa's got it.

Princess: We'll get it back, Mario!

Luigi: How? We're stuck in this place!

Princess: Didn't you guys learn anything in the plumbing academy? When the plumbing gets tough, the tough get plumbing!

Mario: She's right, Luigi! Do you still have that wrench the President gave you?

Luigi: Sure! Right here!

(Luigi pulls out his wrench.)

Princess: Well get to it!

(Luigi uses his wrench to open up the sealed pipe. Water comes out and fills the pit, bringing Mario and Co to the top.)

Mario: We'll be out of here faster than you can say "lasagna cream pie"!

(Mario and Co come out through the grate and run off. Cut to another room, where Koopa, who still has the plunger on his snout, has been fastened to a table. The plunger is attached to a machine pedaled by Mouser. His attempts to have the machine pull the plunger off aren't working.)

Koopa: OW! STOP!

Mouser: Hey! I thought we almost had it!

Koopa: Well try something else!

(Mouser pours some pepper into a bowl and holds it up to Koopa's face.)

Mouser: Okay, your royal Koopaness! Take a big sniff of this pepper!

(Mario and Co poke their heads through the entrance to the room. Koopa can't sniff the pepper with the plunger on his snout.)

Koopa: Augh! Moron! Double moron! How can I smell it with this thing on my nose?

(Mario runs in and grabs the bowl from Mouser.)

Mario: Surprise!

(Mario shoves the bowl into Mouser's face, and he sneezes. Princess and Toad roll up the carpet Mouser's standing on and place him into a wardrobe. Mario jumps on top of Koopa.)

Koopa: Get off me, ya faucet freak!

Mario: No way, plunger nose! Not 'til I get my presidential plumber's helper back!

(Mario begins pulling on his plunger.)

Mario: Need some back up, guys!

Luigi: Okay, Mario!

(Mouser bangs around inside the wardrobe, trying to get out. Toad is holding Koopa, who's sweating badly, by his horns, while the Marios and Princess pull away at the plunger.)

Mario: On three! One, two-

Koopa: I wanna. Pull already! *yells*

Mario: Three!

(The plunger gets pulled off of Koopa's snout at last. Koopa lets out a sigh of relief as Mario kisses his plunger. Koopa starts to squirm on the table.)

Koopa: Hey, aren't you gonna...?

(Mario and Co shake their heads and run off.)

Koopa: Guards! Troopas! Somebody! Help!

(Cut to outside of the castle. Mario and Co run off and come to a stop.)

Mario: Doesn't look like close contact with the Koopa snoot did it any harm!

Princess: Don't you feel good now that you have it back?

(Mario nods for a moment, then stops and places his hand over his belly.)

Mario: No, hungry! And when the plumber gets hungry, the plumber gets pasta!

(The four of them laugh.)

The End

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