(The episode opens to a Wild West-like setting. The Marios are riding on an Ostro-drawn stagecoach, while Princess and Toad ride inside.)

Mario: (in his mind) Plumber's Log, Number 1849. We're in the Wild Wild West. Which is gonna get a lot wilder if Koopa catches us.

(Koopa, along with some Snifits, who're all dressed like a cowboys, approach the stagecoach, riding on their own Ostros.)

Princess: They're getting closer!

Toad: And, they don't look friendly!

Koopa: Darn right we're not friendly, ya mealy Mushroom!

(Koopa pulls a Piranha Plant out of his holster, and aims it at the stagecoach.)

Koopa: And Claim Jump Koopa will be glad to prove it!

(The Piranha Plant spits a fireball at the stagecoach. The Snifits use Piranha Plants to shoot the stagecoach as well.)

Mario: Yipe!

(Mario pulls out a small Cobrat, hides behind a trunk on top of the stagecoach, and has the Cobrat shoot a fireball at Koopa. Koopa shoots another fireball at Mario, but it ends up hitting the trunk. One of the
Snifits rides up to the stagecoach and jumps on top, but Mario beats him up and knocks him of the stagecoach. One of the fireballs breaks the reigns that Luigi is holding.)

Luigi: Holy cannoli! Koopa shot out the steering things!

(The Ostros reach a fork in the road and head left, but the stagecoach heads right, away from the Ostros.)

Mario: Bye bye, birdies!

Luigi: And bye bye us!

Toad: The worst part is, we paid for round trip tickets!

(Princess and Toad cover their eyes.)

Luigi: Hit the brakes, Mario!

(Mario pulls a lever, causing the wheels to slow down, only to have them break off.)

Mario: The brakes are broken!

(The stagecoach goes flying down a cliff, hits a rock, and breaks, sending Mario and Co flying onto the ground.)

Mario: Looks like the end of the line, everybody!

Koopa: We got them varmints now! Lasso 'em!

(Koopa and the Snifits ride down the cliff.)

Toad: In here, quick!

(Toad directs the Marios and Princess' attention over towards a pipe against another cliff, which the four of them enter. Koopa and the Snifits ride over to the pipe and Koopa gets off his Ostro.)

Koopa: Runnin' out on me, huh? Okay, no more Mr. Nice Koopa!

(Koopa hurls a Bob-omb into the pipe at Mario and Co and they gasp.)

Luigi: I think comin' in here was a big mistake!

Mario: Don't think, run!

(Mario and Co run further into the pipe as the Bob-omb explodes, blowing up part of the pipe with it and sealing the group inside.)

Koopa: *laugh* That's the end of those meddling plumb twerps!

(Mario and Co are still in the pipe, which is pitch black inside, and only their eyes are visible.)

Luigi: Ouch! Someone's standin' on my toe, and it's not me!

Princess: Oh, I'm sorry! Are you okay, Luigi?

Luigi: Just as soon as I find me, I'll letcha know!

Mario: Hey, I see a light, look!

Princess: Maybe it's a way out of here.

(The four of them walk down the pipe with light shining through from the other end.)

Toad: Or maybe it's a way into more trouble!

(The reach the end of the pipe and are now in cave.)

Luigi: Leapin' lasagna, look!

(Luigi points to a huge pile of gold coins in the middle of the cave.)

Princess: Why, this is the lost gold coin mine!

(Toad grabs some coins and stuffs them into his pockets.)

Toad: They're not lost now!

Luigi: Maybe they're not, but we still are!

Mario: Not for long, Luigi! We can dig our way outta here!

(Mario holds up two shovels. A bit later, the Marios are digging a hole  upwards.)

Mario and Luigi: *singing* I've been working on the condo! All the livelong day!

Princess: Uh, Mario? Where exactly are we headed?

Mario: Don't worry, Princess! I've got an instinct about this thing! We're headed right for-

(Cut to a near-abandoned western town. The Marios dig out of the ground and the four of them look around.)

Mario: A town?

Toad: Bogus. An empty town!

Voice: *laugh* Not that empty!

Luigi: Who said that?

(A skinny, old, bearded guy wearing overalls and a sheriff's hat, named Calamity Clem, walks up to them.)

Clem: Didn't mean to scare ya, pilgrims! *laugh *Just wanted to say howdy!

Toad: That's cool, but who are you? And where are we?

Clem: Why, I'm Calamity Clem! Sheriff of Lonesome Mushroom! *laugh* Best little ghost town in the west!

Toad: Well, does this little ghost town have an assay office?

Clem: Right over yonder, stranger!

(Clem directs to a nearby building with the a sign labeled "ASSAY" above the entrance. Now inside the building, Mario and Co are at the counter, which Toad empties the coins in his pockets onto.)

Toad: You! Hey! Hello! You who! I need some assay work done here!

(Clem walks up to the counter.)

Clem: One assay job coming right up!

(Clem takes off his sheriff hat and puts on a visor.)

Luigi: Hey, I thought you were the sheriff!

Clem: And fire chief! And town cook! *laugh* And I also own the hat store! *laugh*

(While he speaks, Clem puts on various hats.)

Toad: Well, could you put on your assayer's hat and tell me if this is real?

(Clem puts his visor back on and examines one of the coins through a loupe.)

Clem: Hmm... Mighty interestin'!

(Clem flips the coin.)

Clem: By golly, it's heads! Lasso in for a longhorn, buckaroos! *laugh* Why  this here's real gold! *laugh*

(Outside the office, several Mushroomers are looking through the window with stunned looks on their faces.)

Mushroomer: They said it's gold! Did ya hear that, everybody? Gold!

Clem: Woah! Looks like you folks dem started a genuine gold coin rush!

(Koopa is standing on a nearby cliff, spying on the town through binoculars.)

Koopa: Well, whadda ya know? There's gold in Lonesome Mushroom! And where there's gold, there's Claim Jump Koopa! *laugh*

(Back in town, Mushroomers are digging away.)

Clem: I don't believe what I'm seeing! Lonesome Mushroom's dem become a boomtown! I've been so busy being sheriff, I don't have time to wear my other hats!

Toad: I'm sorry, Clem! This is all my fault!

Clem: Well, it could be worse, little pard! Claim Jump Koopa could be here!

(As luck would have it, Koopa himself suddenly lassoes Toad.)

Toad: Hey!

Koopa: Claim Jump Koopa IS here! Koopa Pack, attack!

(The Mushroomers scream and run off as the Snifits ride after them on Ostros and start lassoing them.)

Princess: Oh no! Koopa's captured Toad and the miners! What do we do?

Clem: Can't help anybody if we're captured too! Only one thing we can do! Head for the hills!

(The Marios, Princess, and Clem run off.)

Snifit: The Marios are getting away!

Koopa: Forget those pipesqueak plumbers! All I care about is gold! My gold!

(Dollar signs light up in Koopa's eyes. He then walks over to the Mushroomers and picks up Toad.)

Koopa: And you're gonna spend the rest of your life digging for it! *laugh*

(Later, the Marios, Princess, and Clem are sneaking back into town.)

Mario: Shh! Be quiet, everybody! If we're gonna sneak back into town, we don't wanna make any-

(Mario trips over a pail of rocks.)

Mario: -noise.

Clem: Doesn't matter how much noise we make, parge! Lonesome Mushroom is empty!

Princess: But, where is everyone?

(They feel a tremor and fall over.)

Mario: Wanna bet they're down in the mine?

(Cut to the mine. A Bob-omb is thrown down a tunnel and explodes. Toad walks out of the tunnel into the main part of the mine, where Koopa is sitting on the pile of coins.)

Toad: Koopa you stoopa! Watch it with the Bob-ombs!

Koopa: *laugh* You miserable Mushrooms aren't digging fast enough! Bring me gold! More gold!

(Koopa throws another Bob-omb at a wall. It explodes, coins come pouring out, and a Mushroomer collects them in a mine cart. The Marios, Princess, and Clem poke their heads around a corner.)

Princess: What a rat! Koopa's turned Toad and the Mushroom miners into slaves! We've got to put a stop to this!

Clem: But how, Princess ma'am?

(Princess shrugs.)

Mario: If only we had some Fire Flowers! We could super-up, and cook Koopa's goose!

Clem: Fire Flowers? I know where there's a mine just plum full of Fire Flowers! Come on!

(Clem leads the Marios and Princess down a tunnel.)

Princess: You sure this is the way to the Fire Flower mine?

Clem: Sure is! But first, we gotta go through a tomato sauce mine!

(The four of them are now in a cavern with a lake of bubbling tomato sauce. Mario dips his finger into the sauce and licks it.)

Mario: Mmm. There's never a noodle around when you need one!

(Clem leads them to a pile of noodles.)

Clem: Funny you should mention that, pard! Got a sea of prime pasta noodles right here! *laugh*

(Mario runs up to the noodles.)

Mario: Mamamia! Pastarific!

(Princess grabs Mario and runs off.)

Princess: No time for eating, Mario! Here's all the Fire Flowers you'll ever need!

(They arrive in a cavern with a bed full of Fire Flowers.)

Mario: Couldn't we just take a little pasta break?

Princess: Please, Mario! Get Super now! Eat later!

(Mario touches one of the Fire Flowers and starts glowing.)

Mario: Faster than a vanishing clog! More powerful than an electric drain  snake-

(Mario powers up to Super Mario.)

Mario: It's Super Mario!

(Luigi powers up to Super Luigi.)

Luigi: And Super Luigi!

Clem: Well untie me and sell my hat! *laugh* Looks like you boys are fittin' to do some Koopa stompin'!

(Cut to the main part of the mine. Toad wheels a cart up to Koopa.)

Toad: This is the last of the gold, Koopa!

Koopa: More! I want more! MORE! *laugh*

Toad: But there isn't any more!

Koopa: Then you Mushroom miners are in big trouble! Dig, or I'm gonna-

(The Marios break through a wall.)

Mario: Your claim jumpin' days are over, Koopa!

Luigi: Yeah! You're fired!

(The Marios shoot a barrage of fireballs at the Snifits, scaring them all away. Princess walks out of the hole they came through.)

Princess: That's the way, Mario!

(Koopa grabs Princess.)

Koopa: Now I've got somethin' better than gold!

(Princess gasps as Koopa carries her into a cart full of gold coins, which they ride down the tracks.)

Princess: Help! Mario! Save me!

Mario: Don't be scared, Princess!

Luigi: *shudder* I'm scared enough for all of us!

(The song "Money (That's What I Want)" starts up. The Marios and Toad jump into another cart and go after Koopa. They go down a shaft and through a loop de loop before reaching Koopa. Mario attempts to get on Koopa's cart, but his power wears off and he almost falls off his own cart. Luigi grabs him, only to have his power wear off as well. The tracks pass through the red sauce mine and into the sauce itself, slowing their carts down enough so that Princess can climb into the Marios' cart. After going through the red sauce, Koopa bursts through a sealed door and is now outside. He then goes forward through a siding.)

Princess: If we make it to that siding first, we can get ahead of Koopa! And stop him the hard way!

Mario: Great idea, Princess!

(Mario and Co go left at the siding, which is a shorter path than going forward, resulting in them getting back onto the main track at another siding, and putting them ahead of Koopa. The song ends.)

Koopa: Hey! Stop that! Get outta my way!

Mario: Did you say "stop", Koopa?

(Mario pulls the brake and the four of them jump out.)

Koopa: *screams* OH NO!

(Koopa crashes into their cart, and goes flying into a cactus, which flings him over the horizon as he screams.)

Mario: There goes Claim Jump Koopa!

Luigi: He's gonna land real hard after this jump!

(In the distance, a thud is heard.)

Toad: Yup! And without a single gold coin in his pocket!

Mario: The Mushroom people get the mine, and Koopa gets the shaft!

(The four of them laugh.)

Go back to the list of episodes.
Go back to Lemmy’s Mario Cartoons.
Go back to my main page.