Mario of the Apes

Submitted by Hip

(The episode opens to a jungle.)

Mario: (in his mind) Plumber's Log, Number 8-42. We were taking a shortcut through Jungle Land.

(The Marios poke their heads out from behind a bush.)

Mario: You know, Luigi, this Jungle Land joint isn't so bad!

(Mario walks out from behind the bush and onto the main path.)

Luigi: Mario, are you crazy? Where there's a jungle, there's ferocious jungle beasts!

(Princess and Toad walk up to them.)

Toad: Yeah, I bet this place is crawlin' with lions and tigers.

Koopa (off screen): And Koopas, oh my!

(The four of them gasp, look off to the side, and see Koopa, who's dressed like a hunter.)

Toad: It's King Koopa!

Koopa: That's right, Mush-runt! I decided to go hunting! And it's open season on plumbers!

(Mario pulls out his plunger.)

Mario: You're cloggin' our way, Koopa! And one good clog deserves a plumber!

Koopa: You're gonna be minced meatballs when he's through with ya!

(Koopa points up to an Albatoss, which is flying towards the group.)

Mario: Get down!

(Mario, Princess, and Toad get down on the ground, but Luigi does a little dance instead.)

Mario: What are ya doin'?

Luigi: I'm gettin' down!

Mario: Don't get down, get down!

(Mario pushes the others off to the side.)

Mario: I'll take care of Koopa's killer canary!

(The Albatoss swoops down, grabs Mario, and flies over to Koopa, who hops on.)

Koopa: Welcome aboard Air Albatoss! This is your Koopa speaking! This flight is non-stop 'til ya drop!

(The Albatoss flies off again.)

Luigi: They've flown the Koopa, and they're takin' Mario with 'em!

Mario: If at first you don't succeed, plunge, plunge again!

(Mario hits the Albatoss' head with his plunger, causing the Albatoss to lose control and start falling.)

Koopa: Yow! You drain brain! Now we'll both be Albatossed!

Princess: They're heading deeper into the jungle! Come on, guys! We've got to save Mario!

(Cut to a suburban house up in a tree, owned by an ape couple that wears human clothing. The apes, whose names are June and Ward, are in the living room.)

June: Oh, Ward! This treehouse is just too quiet! I want to hear-

Ward: The pitter-patter of little ape feet! I know June, but we have to wait for-

(Outside, the Albatoss can be heard squawking.)

June: Mr. Stork! He's coming!

(The apes step out onto the porch and see the Albatoss for themselves.)

Ward: By golly, June! It is the stork!

(The Albatoss flies up to the house and drops Mario on the porch. When the Albatoss flies away, Mario regains consciousness and sees the two apes looking down at him.)

Mario: Where am I? Who am I? I can't remember anything! And who are you?

June: We're the luckiest apes in the world!

Ward: We're your mom and pop, little fella!

June: Oh, Ward! What shall we call him?

Mario: Ma. Ma.

June: Marzan! We'll call him Marzan!

Ward: Welcome to the family, Marzan!

Mario: Me Marzan!

(Later, June squeezes a banana out of its peel and it flies into her mouth. Mario then squeezes a whole bunch of bananas at once, and they all fly into his mouth.)

June: Such a big appetite for a little fella!

(Later, Ward and Mario and standing on a tree branch. Ward is holding a vine.)

Ward: Now be careful, son! It's a jungle out there!

(Ward hands Mario the vine.)

Mario: No sweat! Me Marzan!

(Mario swings around from vine to vine.)

Mario: Oooooh-eeeeeee-oooooh-eeeeeeee-ooooooh!

(Later, Mario is with two other apes. First, he scatches his chin, and the apes do the same. Next, he hits his head a few times, but the apes get scared and run off. Mario then turns around and sees a lion behind him.)

Mario: Me Marzan!

(The lion roars in Marios face, and the two of them get in a fight behind a dust cloud. When the cloud subsides, the lion has his tail tied around his legs, and he hops off. As for Mario, his shirt and upper part of his overalls have been ripped off.)

Mario: Me Marzan! King of the jungle!

(Mario pounds his chest a few times. Later, while swinging around on some vines, he bumps into a female ape and they fall down. The ape looks at Mario happily, and starts to jump up and down. She then pulls him closer with her tail and gives him a kiss. Mario cautiously backs away from her.)

June (off screen): MAR-ZAN! DIN-NER!

Mario: Oooooo-eeeeee-oooooh! Oooooo-eeeeee-oooooh!

(Luigi, Princess, and Toad can hear Mario yelling.)

Princess: What kind of horrible jungle beast is that?

Luigi: I don't know, but I hope it doesn't attack poor Mario! *gulp* Or poor us, for that matter!

Toad: We may not have found Mario yet, but at least Koopa hasn't found us!

(A spear flies right over their heads and hits a tree. Apparently, Koopa and some Shy Guys have found them.)

Koopa: Koopa Pack, attack!

(The Shy Guys walk up to them and start throwing spears.)

Princess: Luigi! Toad! Look out!

Koopa: My Shy Guys are gonna make shish Koopabob outta you!

(The Shy Guys throw more spears, so Luigi, Princess, and Toad jump in the river to get away.)

Koopa: You spared yourself the spears, but now you jungle bunglers are Trouter treats!

(Some Trouters are swimming around in a circle, creating a small whirlpool, which pulls the three of them in.)

Toad: Face it, dudes! We're in true Trouter trouble!

(The three of them scream.)

Luigi: Mario could plug this pain drain!

Mario (offscreen): Ooooooh-eeeeeee-ooooooo-eeeeeeee-ooooooh!

(Off in the distance, Mario swings his way towards the group.)

Princess: I see Mario! We're saved!

(Mario swings down and pulls the others out of the water onto the other side of the river, away from Koopa.)

Koopa: What's that drain drip doin' makin' like an ape?

Luigi: Lucky linguini, Mario! Am I glad you found us!

Mario: Mario? Me not Mario! Me Marzan! You crazy!

Princess: Mario, have you lost your memory? You're not Marzan!

Mario: Me Marzan! And me late for dinner! Gotta swing home!

(Mario climbs a tree and grabs a vine.)

Mario: Bye bye, crazy people!

(Mario swings off.)

Toad: Late for dinner? That's the Mario I know! But why doesn't Mario know the Mario I know?

Princess: There's some weird monkey business going on in this jungle!

Luigi: We hafta follow Mario, and bring back his plumber perfect personality!

(The three of them run off after Mario. Cut to a large tent elsewhere in Jungle Land. Koopa is inside, sitting on a throne and speaking to a Shy Guy.)

Koopa: Marzan? King of the jungle? If that wrench monkey's the king of the jungle, what am I?

Shy Guy: Uh, the boys were kinda wondering about that, oh opulent one!

(Koopa grabs the Shy Guy.)

Koopa: Tell those jungle jerks that there's only one king: Me! And if that sewer swinger thinks that he's king, dethrone him!

(Koopa throws the Shy Guy around the tent. He eventually gets thrown outside. Luigi, Princess, and Toad are walking around the jungle somewhere.)

Princess: It's no use! We've lost Mario! We'll never catch up with him!

(Toad picks up a banana peel.)

Toad: Wrong-o! Look, a trail of banana peels!

(Toad points to a trail of peels, and the group follows them.)

Luigi: It's as clear as an unclogged drain! All we gotta do is follow that food!

(They eventually reach the tree holding up June and Ward's house and look up at it.)

Toad: Mondo mystifyin'! How can Mario hoist his fettuccine physique all the way up there?

Princess: There's only one way to find out!

Luigi: Scary scaloppini! I'm afraid of heights!

(Later, Luigi, Princess, and Toad are using plungers as stepping-stones to help them climb up the tree. Luigi is shivering like mad.)

Luigi: I can't climb a tree!

Princess: You're doing fine, Luigi! Toad, toss up another plumber's helper!

(Toad reaches into an empty sack.)

Toad: Huh?

(Toad jumps down a bit and removes all of the plungers that are underneath them. He then jumps back up to where Luigi is.)

Princess: Do we have enough to reach the top?

Toad: Absolutely, your royal higher and higherness!

Luigi: I, I, I changed my mind! I wanna go back!

(Luigi looks down and sees how far it is to the ground.)

Toad: No place to go but up!

(Cut to the kitchen, where June and Ward are sitting at the table. Mario walks up to them.)

Ward: Marzan, you're late for dinner, son!

Mario: But pop, me king of the jungle!

June: Well, your majesty, my banana casserole is practically ruined! And just look at your clothes!

(The doorbell rings. Ward opens the door and sees Luigi, Princess, and Toad.)

Ward: Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! Is it Halloween already?

Princess: We're not trick-or-treaters! We're friends of Mari- I mean, Marzan!

Mario: Crazy people!

Luigi: Mario! They made a monkey outta you! But don't worry, this'll bring back your memory!

(Luigi pulls out a wrench and shows it to Mario.)

Luigi: It's your first monkey wrench!

Ward: Hmm. I always thought that was called a people wrench!

Luigi: It's worse than I thought! This calls for drastic measures!

(Luigi puts the wrench away and pulls out a meatball sandwich.)

Luigi: A meatball memory motivator!

(The tree starts shaking, scaring everyone. Koopa is with two Shy Guys, who are chopping away the base of the tree with axes.)

Koopa: This king stuff has gone to that plumber's head! We better bring him back down to Earth! The hard way.

Princess: It's that creep Koopa! And his shifty Shy Guys too!

June: Oh dear! I don't think I have enough casserole for everybody!

Toad: Lady, they're not dinner guests! They're home wreckers!

Mario: Marzan stop bad guys!

(Mario swings down on a vine.)

Mario: Oooooo-eeeeeee-oooooo-eeeeee-oooooh!

(Mario grabs one of the Shy Guys and throws him aside. His axe goes flying and cuts a banana bunch off of the tree, which falls down and hits the other Shy Guy on the head. Mario returns to the tree, which Koopa himself is now trying to chop down. Koopa laughs as Mario swings around and crashes into a banana bunch, which breaks up and flies into Koopa's face, and Mario laughs. Luigi gets up but he drops the sandwich over the side.)

Luigi: Whoops!

(The sandwich lands on Mario's head, restoring his memory.)

Mario: Ouch! Hey, meatballs! Marinara! Mamamia, I remember now! I'm Mario! What am I doin' fifty feet in the air?

(Mario climbs up to the porch.)

Luigi: Miraculous macaroni! The smell of that sandwich did it!

(The Marios hug each other.)

Luigi: The ol' Mario is back! No more of that Marzan stuff!

Koopa: Without his monkey shines that tap turkey's just a sitting duck!

(Koopa pulls out a Cobrat just as Mario accidentally drops the sandwich over the side.)

Mario: My meatball sandwich!

(The sandwich lands in the Cobrat's mouth.)

Koopa: Cursed crocodiles! He corked my Cobrat!

(The Cobrat can't shoot a bullet with the sandwich stuck in his mouth, so when he tries to shoot one, he ends up blowing Koopa and himself away. The sandwich goes flying up towards the house, and then starts to fall back down.)

Mario: I gotta save that sandwich!

(Mario jumps down to a vine, and lets the sandwich fall into his mouth.)

Ward: That's our Marzan! King of the jungle!

Princess: Oh no! Don't tell me Mario thinks he's Marzan again!

Luigi: Relax, Princess! He knows who he is! Mario's always gone ape for meatballs!

The End

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