Easy Money

By Hip

(The Curtain rises on Ice Land and the title is shown.)

(One day in the Mushroom Kingdom, Toad is walking home.)

Toad: Uh oh, I still owe Luigi three gold coins! But not to worry!

(Toad jumps at a block and some gold coins fly out. Toad picks them up.)

Toad: Easy money!

(The Koopas are spying on Toad from behind a bush.)

Bully: Wow! Did you see that? Talk about loose change!

Hip: Why don’t we-

Hop: Get money like that?

Koopa: Bah, that’s just pocket money! Whadda ya say we go for the big time source of income?

Cheatsy: What’s that, King Dad?

Koopa: We make our own money! Kooky, show ‘em your latest invention!

(Kooky pulls out a little machine. There’s a hole on the top and a slot on the side.)

Kooky: We’ll use this! My Coinarater! You put in some gold, and out pops a gold coin! The more gold you use, the more coins it creates! Woah woah woah!

Kootie Pie: Cool! Can we have a demonstration?

Kooky: Alright, sis! Can I have one of your bracelets?

(Kootie Pie gives Kooky a bracelet.)

Kootie Pie: Give that back when you’re done! I only have 500 bracelets to choose from!

(Kooky puts the bracelet in the hole and a gold coin pops out of the slot.)

Everyone: Wow!

Kootie Pie: It came from my gold! I want it back!

Koopa: This will be great! You can’t spend raw gold, but you can sure spend it as coins!

Hip: But where are we gonna get-

Hop: A whole lot of gold?

Koopa: Come with me!

(The doomship arrives in Ice Land.)

Koopa: We’re almost at the Ice Land Gold Mines!

(The doomship lowers to the ground and a bunch of Hammer Brothers and Sledge Bros. jump out. They are followed by the Koopas.

Koopa: Now, you remember the plan? Raid as much gold as you can and bring it back here!

Sledge and Hammer Brothers: Yes, your royal rotteness!

(The Brothers run into the mine.)

Bully: Kooky, how the heck are you gonna turn so much gold into so many coins with that little thing?

Kooky: Don’t worry, Bully! This is just a prototype! Here’s the real thing!

(The doomship rises into the air. A giant Coinarater is lowered from a hatch on the hull.)

Big Mouth: Woah! Look at that! That thing’s huge! It could make zillions of coins! We’re gonna be rich! Or should I say extremely wealthy? We’ll have so much money we won’t know what to do!

(Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario and company are at Toad’s house. They are sitting at the coffee table.)

Mario: It’s so pleasant outside!

Toad: Yeah, when I got Luigi’s coins, I found a few more at the same time!

Princess: And the best part is, the Koopas aren’t here to ruin it!

Luigi: Yeah, we can just relax for once!

(Someone knocks on the door.)

Mario: I’ll get it.

(Mario opens the door and sees a Mushroomer wearing a parka.)

Mushroomer: Mario! Thank goodness it’s you! The Koopas are raiding the gold mines! They saw me and kicked me out of Ice Land! You gotta do something!

Mario: Oh no! Come on, we gotta check this out!

Toad: Right! I’ll get some power-ups!

(Toad runs into the back room.)

Princess: It’s best we all go and stick together!

(Toad returns wearing a backpack.)

Toad: Let’s go!

(They leave and jump into a warp pipe. The Mushroomer pulls an unnoticed zipper on his back. It turns out Cheatsy was just wearing a costume.)

Cheatsy: Yes! Those Super Mario Bothers fell for it! Even Toadstool and Toad!

(Cheatsy jumps into the warp pipe and ends up in Ice Land. He sees Mario and co. up ahead.)

Mario: Where’s the Koopas?

Luigi: They’re probably in the mine!

(Hip rolls in front of them on his ball.)

Hip: What are you doing here?

Princess: After him!

(They chase Hip but can’t catch up with him. Hip bounces from platform to platform in mid-air. He then rolls along an icy platform.)

Hip: This is too easy!

Toad: Maybe for you it is!

Luigi: It’s so icy!

(Mario slips and grabs onto the ledge.)

Mario: HELP!

(Toad throws a Super Leaf at Mario, who get Raccoon power. Mario flies after Hip.)

Hip: Uh oh! That pesky plumber won’t give up!

(Hip reaches the end of the platform where Hop is waiting and stops.)

Hip: Alright Hop! Do your stuff!

Hop: You got it, Hip!

(Hop pulls out his wand and shoots the area of the platform Luigi, Princess, and Toad are on. It crumbles and they fall down.)

Luigi, Princess, and Toad: HELP!

Mario: I’ll save you!

Hip: Save them-

Hop: You won’t!

(Hop zaps Mario and he loses his Raccoon power and falls too. Mario and co. fall into chasm and land on a ledge leading into a cave.)

Luigi: That cave looks like the only way out!

Peach: We'd better be careful! There’s no solid ground below this ledge!

(They walk along the ledge into a cave.)

Lugi: Don’t worry, we’re safe once we make it to the other end of this cave!

(Bully and two Sledge Brothers show up at the exit.)

Mario: Oh no!

Bully: Oh yes!

(Bully and the Sledge Brothers stomp on the ground. It causes the icicles on the ceiling to come raining down.)

Luigi: Oh no! We’re done for!

(Toad pulls some Starmen out of the backpack.)

Toad: I hope these work. They’re the only ones I have!

(Everyone grabs a Staman and gains invincibility.)

Bully: Oh no! My sneaky trap didn’t work!

(The Marios run across to the exit. They bump into the Sledge Brothers and knock them out.)

Bully: I’m out of here!

(Bully runs down a passage to a room full of Hammer Brothers, as well as Kootie Pie and Big Mouth.)

Bully: They’re coming!

(Bully runs off.)

(Mario and co. run into the room as their invincibility wears off.)

Luigi: It’s Big Mouth and Kootie Pie!

Princess: Look! Those Hammer Brothers are chiseling away all the gold!

Big Mouth: That’s right! They are chiseling away the gold because what good is gold if you don’t chisel it away and turn it into something useful? I mean, you might as well call it fool’s gold because no one would want it!

Kootie Pie: Big Mouth, shut up!

Big Mouth: Hammer ‘em, boys!

(The Hammer Brothers toss their hammers at Mario and co., who manage to dodge the hammers and find a Koopa Troopa. They jump on his shell and kick it at the Hammer Brothers, which get knocked out one by one.)

Kootie Pie: Big Mouth, let’s take the gold and get out of here!

(The song “Easy Money” starts up.)

When you need to make a quick buck
You’ve tried to be honest and had no luck
Don’t give up and start to cry
There’s something you need to try
Easy money
Why do it the hard way
When there’s the easy way
Easy money
You can be rich
Or you can be poor
The choice is so simple
So go for more
Easy money

(They chase Big Mouth and Kootie Pie out of the room. They manage to get out of the cave but can’t seem to keep up with them. They find themselves at the Coinarater. The song ends.)

Koopa: How’d you know about this? Well, now that you’re here I might as well tell you what we’re Kooping up! As you can see, my troops are turning the gold into coins and there’s nothing you can do about it!

(The Marios see Sledge Brothers pouring gold into the Coinarater and picking up the coins and loading them onto the doomship.)

Koopa: Sledge Bros., let’s give the Marios an inside tour of the Coinarator!

(A Sledge Brother picks up Mario and throws him onto the Coinarator.)

Koopa: Once he falls in, I’ll have Mario coins! Heh heh!

(Lugi gets thrown onto the Coinarator.)

Luigi: Let’s get down from here!

(The Sledge Brothers jump onto the Coinarator and chuck their sledges at the Marios. They fall on their backs next to the hole. Toad pulls two Fire Flowers out of the backpack and throws them at the Marios.)

Toad: Use these!

(They grab the Fire Flowers to get fire power.)

Mario: Alright, Toad!

(Mario and Luigi shoot the Sledge Brothers and get up.)

Luigi: Had enough?

Sledge Brother: Stop! We give up!

Mario: Wow, that was easy!

Sledge Brother: Not!

(The Sledge Brother throws a sledge up into the air.)

Sledge Brother: It’s gonna land right on top of your puny little heads!

(Mario and Luigi shoot the sledge, but the fireballs end up hitting a block of ice as well. It melts and the water falls into the hole in the Coinarator. The Coinarator starts to shake.)

Mario: Oh no! It’s gonna blow!

Kooky: It’s malfunctioning! Malfunctioning! Oh no! It’s ruined!

(They all jump off as the Coinarator explodes.)

Kooky: You broke it! You’re not supposed to put water in it!

(Mario and Luigi shoot the Koopas with fireballs.)

Koopa: Retreat! This mission was a failure!

(The Koopas all board the doomship and fly off.)

Mario: Well, it looks like Koopa’s learned his lesson!

Luigi: Yeah, don’t mess with the Mario Bros.!

Princess: I think he knows better than that!

Luigi: Yeah, but he never seems to be prepared!

Toad: He wasn’t expecting us to show up, or was he?

(Back on the doomship.)

Koopa: You did what?

Cheatsy: Lured the Mario Bros. into Ice Land!

Koopa: You nincomkoop! You were supposed to lure them into the Pipe Maze so they’d get lost!

Cheatsy: Oh, sorry Dad!

Koopa: Why must you ruin my plans?! We could have won! Grrrrrrr-

(The curtain falls.)

The End

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