Holiday Cruise Mayhem

By Raccoon Man

(Title screen shows Water Land and plays music.)

(Koopa and Kooky are dressed in black and are sneaking into an antique museum at night. They see a silver statue of a Mushroom and the 1-Up sound is heard.)

Koopa: There it ism Kooky my boy, the Silver Shroom Statue. Once we sell it on the black market, we’ll be rolling in muchas money. *laugh*

Kooky: With my new heat-seeking heat-seeker laser highlighter spray, we can easily get that with no problem. *laugh*

(Kooky sprays the room, revealing tons of criss-crossing lasers. Some of the crisscrosses seem to form letters. In fact, they form "The jib is up!")

Koopa: What?!

(The fire-powered Mario Bros. pop out of a pipe.)

Luigi: Time to heat it up!

(Luigi shoots fireballs everywhere.)

Koopa: Let’s koop outta here!

(Koopa and Kooky jump through a window, then go through a pipe.)

Mario: But it’s not the end of the episode! Something’s not right here…

(In the daytime at a Water Land harbor, a cruise ship is being loaded up.)

Mushroom Captain: As thanks for saving the Silver Shroom Statue, you all get free tickets on this holiday cruise.

(Mario and Co. jump and cheer, except for Toad.)

Captain: The statue will go on this ship too, to an isle for safekeeping, so keep an eye on it.

Luigi: Aye aye, captain!

Toad: Uggh. Fo I have to go?

Princess: Aw come on Toad, it’ll be great!

(Cut to near the dock, where Kootie Pie, Kooky, Cheatsy, and Koopa are dressed up as Mushroomers with counterfeit tickets.)

Koopa: With these tickets, we’ll sneak aboard and nab the statue! ... Oh, and sink the ship unless Water Land is mine.

Cheatsy: You’re in luck, King Dad, the King of Water Land is boarding the ship.

Kootie Pie: And when we hijack the ship, we’ll have a real cruise to remember!

(All laugh as the scene fades out.)

(The ship starts off, and Mario and Luigi walk to the dining room.)

Mario: Today’s lunch is ravioli, my favorite!

Luigi: I thought everything was your favorite!

Mario: Hey Toad, join us!

Toad: Uggh…

(Toad turns the color of a poisonous mushroom and runs off with a full P-Meter to the rim of the ship.)

Mario: Well why didn’t he just say he gets seasick? Ah well, let's hurry, I hate… Holy Ravioli!

Luigi: Mario, ravioli isn’t holy, and you just loved it five seconds ago!

Mario: Not that!

(Mario points to four Koopa-tailed Mushroomers, obviously the Koopas.)

Luigi: What does Koopa want with a cruise?

Mario: The Silver Shroom Statue, what else?

(Both run over to the Koopas, still in Mushroom costumes.)

Mario: What are you up to?!

Koopa (with a fake voice): What ever do you mean?

(Luigi tries to pull off the mask but fails.)

Kootie Pie (also in a fake voice): Daddy-waddy! Lets go away from these scary men!

(The Koopas walk away.)

Luigi: We’ll keep an eye on you, Koopa!

(5-second pause.)

Mario: You think we’re becoming paranoid crackpots?

(Cut to the dining room, there are 43 dishes with crumbs of ravioli, obviously already eaten, next to Mario. Three chefs faint.)

Mushroomers: Eat eat eat eat!

Luigi: How much pig DNA do you have again?

Mario: Hey, sea air makes me hungry!

Luigi: EVERYTHING makes you hungry!

Princess: Hey guys, shouldn’t you check the vault every little bit?

Luigi: I guess- it’ll keep Mario from eating everything in sight.

(Mario inflates several times and cracks the chair he’s on.)

(Cut to the vault inside the ship. It is sealed by a big silver door with several layers of metal.)

Mario: Good, no Koopas.

(The Mario Bros. run upstairs back to the deck, close the doors behind them, and run to the deck. The doors reopen to reveal Koopa.)

Koopa: Good, no plumbers.

(Cheatsy, Kootie, and Kooky follow him without costumes. Cheatsy presses a button that makes a sound like car keys. Outside the window the doomsub is revealed and is moving on its own.

Kooky: With my new Portable Pipe Satelite, I can transport items from one place to another.

(He activates the pipe, which glows, and out come all kinds of Koopa’s baddies.)

Koopa: Thwomps! Block the doors!

(Two Thwomps blocks the two doors, which when open, would open against the Koopas.)

Cheatsy: That takes care of pesky Marios!

(Sledge Bros, Bob-ombs, Ptooies, Spikes, and Buster Beetles walk up to the vault and start pounding away.)

(Toad is still tossing his chips over the rim of the boat.)

Mario: Hey Toad, I used to get seasick, but I started looking over at the sea and saw fish, and it cured me! Uh, look at those Cheep Cheep, Jelectros, and Bloopers! And the doomsub!

Toad: The doom-

(Mario covers Toad’s face before he finishes.)

Mario: (whispering) If the passengers know, they’d freak! Toad, make sure no one knows about the doomsub. I’ll get Luigi and stop Koopa.

(Mario uns off and tells Luigi.)

Luigi: The doom-

(Mario covers his mouth too.)

Mario: Let’s go!

(The Mario Bros run to the vault door.)

(Mario tries to open the door but fails. Then he bashes against the door.)

Mario: Koopa! I know you’re in there. Come out!

Koopa: What’s the magic word?

Luigi: Please?

Koopa: I was thinking…ABANDON SHIP!

(Spike, Ptooey, and Latiku throw two spiked balls and a Spiny at the hull of the ship. Water surrounds Mario and Luigi’s feet.)

Sledge Brother: Your ultimate vileness! The wall’s been blown through completely!

Koopa: Perfect! Load the statue on the doomsub!

(All the bad guys go through the portable pipe. Koopa goes last with the statue and takes the pipe too.)

(Cut to inside the doomsub. Koopa has prepared special pods with enemies inside.)

Koopa: When I send these troops, no one will be able to evacuate, and then I’ll give ‘em my speech to make Water Land mine!

(The pods are sent. Koopa rides in a Latiku’s cloud above the ship. Koopa and the pods appear next to the ship.)

Koopa (with a bullhorn): Attention passengers! If you don’t want to taste salt water, sign Water Land over to me!

Passengers: Make us, turtle brain!

Koopa: My pleasure!

(The pods open and show all kinds of troops.)

(A Boom Boom approaches a Mushroom family of four.)

Mother: Help!

(Mario jumps on the Boom Boom thrice, causing it to disappear.)

Princess: Toad and I will evacuate everyone!

Luigi: But Princess, Koopa will try to stop you!

Mario: That’s why we’re gonna stall Koopa, and get the statue!

Luigi: We will?

Mario: It’s ok if we can’t get the statue though - the passengers are more important.

(Mario grabs Luigi’s hand and jumps into the Mushroom Sea.)

Princess: Guys! What about your Frog Suits?

(Cut to the sea, where Mario and Luigi are swimming.)

Luigi: Mario, we can’t catch up with the doomsub!

Mario: Hey pasta head, those are suit chests down there!

(Mario Bros. swim toward chests on the sea floor, while a trio of Cheep Cheep tail them.)

Luigi: Look out!

(Mario swims to the chests and grabs two Frog Suits each.

Mario: Catch!

(Luigi catches the Frog Suit and gets powered without putting it on. Mario grabs his and is surrounded by smoke, and he is in a suit. Cheep Cheep chase them to a Note Block. The Mario Bros. swim sharply and knock out all three on the Note Block.)

Mario: That was a close call! Now, to the doomsub!

(Cut to the sinking ship, where there is mass chaos.)

Princess: Toad, catch!

(Princess throws a Super Leaf to Toad. Then she hits a Note Block above the sea and gets raccoon powered.)

Toad: Alright, Mr. Boom Boom! Meet Mr. Raccoon Tail!

(Toad whips a Boom Boom thrice, causing it to collapse. Toad throws the body toward a brigade of Paragoombas and Fire Bros.)

Princess: Everyone, board the rafts quickly! Toad will keep Koopa’s lackeys at bay!

(Toad whips Parabeetles, Paragoombas, Fire Chomps, and more.)

(Cut to inside the doomsub.)

Koopa: Once that ship sinks, Water Land will be King-less, leaving me to conquer it!  This Silver Shroom Statue will get us on the right foot in our reign.

Kootie Pie: I can’t believe some moron on the black market would pay so much for this hunk of junk! No wonder it’s not for me!

Koopa: There there, my despicable daughter. When Water Land is mine, the finest pearls of the Mushroom Sea can be yours.

(Koopa Troopa walks in with a swimsuit.)

Koopa: You plan to go swimming?

Troopa: Nah, it’s steaming in here!

Koopa: What?! The steam pipe exhales all heat! It’s not working!

(Cut to steam pipe outside on the doomsub, which is clogged full of Note Blocks.)

Koopa: Pesky plumbers?!

Mario: Hey Koopa, we wanted to see steel melt!

Luigi: So you’re our lab rat!

(The Mario Bros swim off.)

Koopa: Cheep Cheep! Fix it!

(A pipe on the exterior of the doomsub shoots out three Cheep Cheep, which pull out the blocks.)

Koopa: Mow get those frogs!

(The Song “Calamari Ocean” starts. At appropriate times in the song, Mario Bros. lead the Cheep Cheeps into another Note Block, have the Bloopers run into each other, and drown three Boss Bass in Note Blocks.)

Calamari Ocean

Got some Cheep Cheep on my tail
Better paddle and zoom or I’ll fail
Calamari Ocean, Calamari Ocean
Koopa just sent some Bloopers after me
Gotta swim from these jellyfish
Or I’ll end up on their dinner dish
Calamari Ocean, Calamari Ocean
Boss Bass following me
Swift swimming is the key
Must stroke super fast
Or these bad bass will laugh last
Calamari Ocean, Calamari Ocean, Calamari Ocean! (hold out last one)

Koopa: Time to take matters into my own claws! Activate the Bullet Bill cannons!

(Bullet Bills fly repeatedly at the Mario Bros, eventually eliminating their Frog Suits.  They surface safely, where there are tons of rafts with Mushroomers on them. Toad and Princess are still airborne.)

Luigi: We’re in trouble, Princess! Koopa’s hot on our tail!

Mario: And we’re Frog Suit-less!

Princess: Don’t worry, guys! I packed extra! I didn’t manage to get to you in time to give them to you!

(Princess throws a pair of Frog Suits at the Mario Bros, who put them on.)

Mario: Time for round 2!

(The Mario Bros. swim under the approaching doomsub, and swim through the enemy pipe. They end up in an aquarium with all kinds of underwater troops.)

Luigi: So this is where they come from!

(The Mario Bros. manage to swim from the cronies and through a pipe going out of the aquarium, still with Frog Suits.)

(They appear in a room with the Silver Shroom Statue.)

Mario: Let’s heist this statue and stop this heist!

Luigi: And top it off with some magic!

(Luigi grabs a wand, and Mario ties a chain on his waist and ties the statue to his back.)

Koopa (from another room): The passangers escaped?!

Hammer Brother: And the Marios are nowhere to be found! I’ll go to the aquarium and unleash some Bloopers!

Mario and Luigi: No! Don’t!

(Hammer Brother opens the door.)

Luigi: Time to Mario outta here!

Mario: Luigi, do the audience a favor and never say that corny line again!

Luigi: Just having fun!

(Hammer Brother throws hammers, but the Mario Bros. hop around undamaged. The hammers break the walls of the aquarium, filling the foomsub with water. Luigi uses the wand to make a magic pipe that transports them out of there.)

Kootie Pie: Daddy! Water is bad for my shell! I just got it polished!

(Kootie gets on her belly and throws a tantrum and yells, but water rises to her mouth, muffling her yelling.)

Koopa: I need that statue to pay for repairs! After those plunger faces!

Sledge Brother: I wouldn’t recommend it, King Koopa! This water will drown us all within minutes!

Koopa: Then we head home!

(The doomsub goes through a warp zone to Dark Land.)

King of Water Land: I apologize for this misadventure, Koopa was after me!

Mario: And the statue too!

Luigi: I still have the wand! It can fix everything!

(Luigi uses the wand on the ship, which is barely visible. It suddenly rises again, clean as a whistle.)

Princess: Now we can enjoy the rest of the cruise!

(The Mario Bros. are basking in the sun on the deck, still in Frog Suits. Toad is in his swim attire, holding the wand.)

Toad: Thanks for the wand, guys! Now I never get seasick!

(Toad runs off to the pool.)

Mario: I’m hungry after this episode! What’s for dinner!

Luigi: Lasagna!

Mario: Also my favorite!

(The same three chefs faint. The curtain falls.)

The End

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