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Microgoomba vs Gloomtail

Announcer Referee <-Prev--Next->

***

Iggy: Uh... Hey guys, um... Welcome to Roy's Sports Hall and, uh...

Roy: Whassamatter, Iggy?

Iggy: Well, y'know, you shocked Larry pretty badly last week and, um...

Roy: Just, y'know, equal to the huge level of the mistake he made. I mean, he's not going to be paralyzed forever... probably! Why you so worried?

Iggy: Well it's that you're making ME predict! I mean, I can't even predict what I'm going to have for breakfast with certainly when we only have one box of Kokoa Koopas left!

Roy: I thought you'd be smarter than this.

Iggy: I'm more of the "play video games, apply real-world logic later" type of guy, you know?

Roy: Hmph... Well, whatever. I mean, I doubt you can mess this up.

Iggy: I think it's kinda obvious, yeah... So, um, do I start?

Roy: Yeah, whatever. Jeez, your low self-esteem doesn't make this nearly as fun as Larry.

Iggy: In the Red Corner, we have our unlikely champion, one of the lowest of the low taking out the highest of the high, Microgoomba!

Microgoomba: I'm looking forward to another win today!

Iggy: And in the Blue Corner is the chosen son of Lemmy's Land Forum and all around good guy, Gloomtail!

Gloomtail: My foe is smaller than the pupil of my eye, you realize?

Iggy: Well that's what the voters asked for, so...

Gloomtail: I've eaten toothpicks that are more of a meal than he would be!

Iggy: Um... Easy win?

Gloomtail: Fool! Who cares about winning or losing? I'm here to sell t-shirts and gain a fantastic cult, the likes of which the world has never seen!

Roy: Nerds that really love Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door?

Gloomtail: They are the most rabid, mindless beasts of all...

Roy: Eh... whatever. Decided yet, Insertfistey?

Iggy: Uhhh... yeah, Microgoomba has this pretty easily. I mean, he's small... What are the odds that Gloomtail can hit him?

Roy: Eh, good enough. Pokey?

Pokey: Fight.

DING! DING! DI-

Gloomtail: Hmph.

SQUISH!

Microgoomba: Ow... owwwww... my... entire body... ugh...

Iggy: Okay, I might want to retract that statement... But look, the guy's holding on!

Roy: I wouldn't really qualify "still being alive and being stuck on the foot of a giant dragon" as "holding on". But I guess not everyone's as cool and always correct as I am.

Gloomtail: So you're still alive? Annoying.

Squish. Squishsquishsquishsquishsquish.

Microgoomba: Ooooh... I'm so glad I don't have any bones to be broken...

Iggy: Yeesh, um... How's he still talking and, y'know, conscious?

Microgoomba: I'm in the top percentage of Microgoomba!

Iggy: ... That joke is really going to wear old quickly.

Gloomtail: It already has. Very well, I guess I'm getting bored of stomping around like an idiot.

Scraaaaaape.

Iggy: You know that really, really annoying piece of gum you get on your shoe sometimes? Microgoomba is pretty much channeling the pure essence of that, and it's pretty gross.

Plok!

Microgoomba: Ha! I've sprouted up again and there's not a thing you can do to stop me!

Iggy: Oh look, he's perfectly fine now. How nice.

Gloomtail: I don't think I've ever been more apathetic to anything in my eternal life.

Microgoomba: Okay, here I GO!

Gloomtail: ... Oh, it's trying to bite into my scales. How cute.

Microgoomba: Arrrgh... Come on, I can do this!

Iggy: Microgoomba is doing... something. I guess it's biting or something, but no one can really tell.

Pokey: Biting.

Iggy: Thanks. Anyway, he's not succeeding at this.

Gloomtail: I can hardly see why I wasn't handicapped for this match.

Roy: Oh, you were. We just never mentioned it until now. Makes the punch line more hilarious.

Crack! Crack! Jiggy jiggy jiggy. KAFWAAAAAAAAAAM!

Gloomtail: Arrrgh! Aah... aah...

Iggy: Smoke is coming out of Gloomtail's mouth as he's breathing heavily! You can always count on Roy to cheat his way into making a match interesting!

Gloomtail: Ha... Amusing. When I devour your kingdom, I'll save you for last... perhaps. Ugh...

Plop!

Microgoomba: Yaaay I win! He's down he's down!

Pokey: No.

Microgoomba: What? But he's clearly unconscious!

Pokey: Faking it.

Microgoomba: What? What do you mean faking?

Pokey: Charging.

Microgoomba: Charging? Charging wha- oh. Oooohhhh... Well um...

Gloomtail: We did mention the part where I'm God, right? Because I am, you know. Also a classically trained actor.

Microgoomba: But you... That Star Egg... I... I call cheating!

Gloomtail: Amusing. What is cheating?

Microgoomba: I bought the Thousand-Year Door strategy guide, you only have 80 HP. Star Egg should have more than enough to finish you off!

Gloomtail: Oh. Well by that logic, yes, I should be rather finished off.

Microgoomba: Then why are you still standing?!

Gloomtail: Can't a dragon devour a few fans to gain more strength? Not that I would need it, of course - the strength of my followers always keeps me beyond your mortal limits of 'RPG mechanics'.

Microgoomba: But... but... cheating!

Pokey: It's fine.

Gloomtail: Oh, but thank you very much for your petty banter, mortal. It gave me an opportunity to make this all the more painful.

Microgoomba: Oh shoo-

MEGABREATH

Microgoomba: ...

Gloomtail: I request his title be changed to "Pile Of Ashes Formerly Known As Microgoomba".

Pokey: No.

Gloomtail: You are defiant, but frank. I shall spare you for now.

Pokey: Microgoomba, out. Gloomtail, winner.

Iggy: I... I... um, what even just happened?

Roy: The giant dragon didn't explode when a dancing starfish hatched from an egg and made a meteor shower happen in his stomach.

Iggy: Well when you say it like that it sounds kind of silly...

Roy: Plus we here at Roy's Sports Hall are against angering giant dragons that can totally wreck the entire arena when we can actually help it.

Glooomtail: Your decision is wise. I shall leave you only requiring a massive cart of hotdogs as tribute.

Roy: Well, uh... how 'bout this loser?

Iggy: What?! But what about electrocution?!

Roy: Eh, different tortures for different Koopas, I always say.

Gloomtail: This additional tribute is sufficient.

CHOMP!

Gloomtail: This tastes exactly as I expected. Make of that as you will. Oh, he seems to have fainted inside my mouth. How cute.

Roy: Will I get a video of this? Specifically the bit where he starts getting digested by your glorious molten cesspool of filth called a stomach?

Gloomtail: I always have presents for celebrated followers. Those relating to my greatness, of course.

Roy: Sweet. End transmission.