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Count Cannoli vs Bandit

Announcer Referee <-Prev--Next->

***

Iggy: Welcome back to Roy’s Sports Hall!  Will this be the match that brings the first half of the season towards its end?  I hope not, this announcing gig is great! Haha! Ah, but let’s meet our fighters, shall we?  In the Red Corner, our two-week champion, coming to us from Master of Disguise and currently undefeated at 2-0, Count Cannoli!

Count Cannoli: Good evening… I suppose.  It’s hard to tell.  There really should be some windows to make this a proper facility.  But then, it makes no difference… to the Silver Zephyr!

Larry: Count, I don’t know that half our audience knows who you are (even if you are a TV celebrity!), and the odds seemed to be stacked against you the last two battles.  Do you believe you have what it takes to win three in a row?

Cannoli: Do you not think I would have vanished into the night, if I did not believe I could win?

Larry: Eh, who knows?  Lots of people around here are dumb.

Roy: Really?  Name one.

Larry: Ah, er…  Yor.  The opposite of you, Roy.

Roy: …

Larry: Meaning you’re smart. And stuff.

Roy: No pounding… for now.

Iggy: Ahem, and in the Blue Corner, he’s the challenger this week but he’s no stranger to the Sports Hall, having made it into Round Three way back in Season Two. Wow, my hair was way different then!  From Yoshi’s Island, it’s the famed babynapper, Bandit!

Bandit: OMG It’s TV personality and my childhood idol the Silver Zephyr- Ooh!  A watch!  Ooh!  It’s in my pocket!  All right…

Ding-a-Ling: !!!

Larry: Bandit, you’ve done well in the Sports Hall before, but let’s face it, you’re a no-name.  As in, no one knows your real name.  And how often do people around here without a name do well?  Not very often, right?  So really, what kind of chances do you think you have, against a guy who has two?

Bandit: Hey, I’m a thief, right?  Don’t really want people knowin’ your name when you’re gonna steal some from them, ya know?  This is for the best!

Larry: Maybe so.  But doesn’t it bother you that that your opponent is able to get the job done with two names and while on TV?

Bandit: He’s so cool… I’m sorry, what was the question again?

Larry: Forget it.

Cannoli: This must be a real treat for you, Bandit.  Did you know we’re all on TV right now?

Bandit: !!!  Uh oh… Oh, wait… I’m still in a mask, so it’s ok… Heh heh!  Awesome.  I’ma steal this show!

Iggy: What a great choice of words!  For you see, today, our combatants will not be fighting – crazy, right?  Instead, it will be an all-out steal-fest.  With me to explain the rules is that laugh riot of a referee, Pokey!

Pokey: Fighters take turn stealing something.  First one to fail, loses.

Iggy: … That it?

Pokey: Yes.

Iggy: Pokey, everyone!

The crowd goes wild.  Cannoli is clapping politely, while Bandit appears to be scanning the crowd.

Roy: Care to make a prediction, Larry?

Larry: Wait… you’re asking me?

Roy: *shrug* Flattery will get you not beaten up.

Larry: … So what if I don’t make a prediction?

Roy: Dunno.  Depends how I’m feeling when this is over.

Larry: *sigh*  Um, I’m going to have to pick the Count.  He just seems to be the better thief, he’s more collected, Bandit seems starstruck, and Cannoli has become the man to beat after overcoming the odds twice.

Roy: (giving Larry a noogie) Aw, you wanted to make a guess all along, didn’t you?

Larry: Ow.

Iggy: All right!  It looks like we’re ready to begin! When Pokey gives the word – and I do mean the word, our challenger, Bandit, will be up first.

Cannoli: To the best man go the spoils, yes?  I won’t hold back, so do your best!

Bandit: I never thought I’d meet you, but now, I’m sure that I’ll find a way to beat you!  Let’s do this!

Iggy: Pokey?

Pokey: Steal.

Iggy: And Bandit’s up!  Let’s try to keep it quiet, folks; we don’t want to make it easier for our fighters by giving them cover.

Chargin’ Chuck security guard: You’re going to have to leave.

Morton: Aw…

Bandit: All right, let’s see, wha’my gonna take?

Cannoli: So far all you’re taking is your time! Ho ho ho…

Bandit: Witty as always, Count!  How about, I start off with a classic?

*swipe* “Waah! Waah!...”

Yoshi: Oh my god!  The baby!

Iggy: And Bandit starts us off by stealing Baby Mario!  I didn’t see that one coming!

Larry: Uh, didn’t he grow up or something…?

Roy: I’unno…

Bandit: Score one for the masked bandit…

Pokey: Success.  Continue.

Cannoli: Well played.  But two can play at this game.  By which I really mean, Cannoli and Zephyr!

*swipe*

Wario: Cannoli…!!!

Iggy: The Silver Zephyr has stolen the hat from his old nemesis, Wario!

Cannoli: Victory is sweet…

Wario: Wahaha!  Joke’s on you, Cannoli!  That hat reeks!  Smell it!  Wahaha!

Cannoli: … How uncouth.

Bandit: Not like you can expect him to live up to your standards, Count!

Cannoli: Mm, quite.

Pokey: Success.  Continue.

Bandit: I thought you’d never ask!  How about this?

*swipe*

Peach: My ????!  Don’t look!

Iggy: Hahahaha!

Larry: Oh my… Are we going to have to edit that out?

Roy: I dunno, what’s a ?????

Larry: The world will never know.

Bandit: Don’t worry, Princess, I’ll return this to you tonight!

Cannoli: Don’t you think that was a little… low?

Bandit: All in good fun, my good man!

Cannoli: I see.  Well, I at least will try to keep this above board.  Like this!

*swipe*

Zess T: Oh!  You!  I’m not moving from this spot until you give me back my contact lens!

Bandit: Impressive!  Just as I expected!  But how about this?

*swipe*

Toad: My hat!

Cannoli: Don’t mind if I do…

Lakitu: My clou- *thump!*

Bandit: I’ll take that!

Lemmy: Where’s my computer?!

Cannoli: Pardon me.

King Harkinian: I wonder what’s for dinner… No!

Bandit: Mine!

Pokey: … Oh.  Now I'm short.

Cannoli: I’ll just help myself.

Link: My stuff!

Bandit: Gimme that!

*swipe*

Roy: … Hey, why’s it brighter now?

Larry: !!!  Avert your eyes!

Roy: ???

Cannoli: Allow me!

Zelda: The Triforce of Wisdom!

Bandit: Aha!

*swipe*

…

…

…

…

Pokey: Success.  Continue.

Bandit: Your move, Count.

Cannoli: I… But… You…  Give me that!!!

Bandit: Oh, you mean, this?

*flash*

Iggy: What a shock!  Bandit's just stolen Cannoli’s wand!  Woodpile, was it?

Larry: Goodstyle.

Cannoli: Yes!  That’s the name, and it’s mine!  I ask you again, give it to me!

Bandit: Sorry, Count, but this wand, I’ve wanted it ever since I was a boy!  Now that I have it, I feel my life’s going to change.  Look out, world!  This is going to be goooood…

Cannoli: No no no!  That wand belongs to me!  It has been in my family for generations, it is rightfully Cannoli property!  Give it back!

Bandit: Look man, I’m sorry but, that’s not going to happen.  So, just please steal something, all right?  I’m eager for my turn so I can give this thing a shot.

Cannoli: Blast it!  Look, give me back my wand and I’ll… I’ll throw this match!

Bandit: But Count Cannoli, I’m already a great thief, just think of how awesome I’ll be now that I have this!  And, and, who knows what I can become when I transform!

Cannoli: No!  You mustn’t!  Just give it back!

Bandit:  No way!  I will!  So I won’t!

Cannoli: Give.  Me.  My.  Wand!

Bandit: No.  Frea-.  –King.  Way!

Pokey: Time up.

Bandit: What?

Cannoli: Excuse me?

Pokey: Count Cannoli didn’t steal.  So Bandit wins.

Bandit: Yes!  Yes!  I…  I beat my idol!  This is the greatest day of my life!

Cannoli: Yes, yes, very nice.  Now, please just give back my wand.

Bandit: What?  Oh… Yeah, no.  Because now with this, tomorrow’s going to be even better!

Cannoli: Noo!  Give it back!

Bandit: No way!...

The two continue arguing…

Iggy: And there you have it!  Ha, that freak Cannoli lost because he was too whiny!  And you know what else is funny?

…

Larry: Ok, I’ll bite.  What?

Iggy: Another two-week winner bites the dust!  This season’s never going to end!  I’ll announce forever!

Larry: Could be worse.

Roy: Could be better!  I have a plan…

Iggy: Like any plan you come up with will work!

…

Larry: … You know that you just…

Iggy: Oops.

Roy: Punchbag 2!

Iggy: End transmission!