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Bandit vs Axem Rangers

Announcer Referee <-Prev--Next->

***

Iggy: Roy's Sports Hall, uh... whoo?

Roy: Yeah, whoo.

Larry: Aw, why so glum, guys?

Roy: Bandit is going to lose this week.

Larry: But I was going to predict the Axem Rangers to win! Clearly it's in Bandit's favor!

Roy: Yeah well... yeah right. I've come ta accept that I'm never going to get back in the ring and crack some more skulls 'cause the world is too scared of me being too awesome. And it's BORING!

Larry: Aw, come on, guys, it's not that bad!

Iggy: I'm sorry, we don't talk to SEASON CHAMPS. We ignore that club.

Larry: You're... you're SIDING with Roy, Iggy? A-and I thought we had something special in our combined torment!

Iggy: That got nullified at least several months ago! This is just unbelievably BORING!

Larry: Well... you never know! Maybe today'll be a lucky break!

Iggy: ... I never noticed how annoying people could be. Can I electrocute him this time, Roy?

Roy: Sure, I'm gettin' too tired of pulling that switch anyway.

Larry: Boredom... boredom does TERRIBLE things to people! It's made you into a monster, Iggy, a MONSTER!

Roy: Normally I'd hit you but I'm too bored to care.

Iggy: Right. So in the Red Corner, he'll lose this week and then we won't see him at least until Paper Mario 3DS comes out, it's Bandit!

Bandit: Well look at it this way, fellas! I can steal away yet another victory from under the nose of fate and we'll be on our merry way!

Iggy: And in the corner that'll win this week...

Bandit: I feel so ignored.

Iggy: ... um. We have a request for a special intro. So, whatever. Roll with it.

Axem Red: Fighting for evil! Red Ranger!

Axem Black: Living for disorder! Black Ranger!

Axem Green: Liking what we do! Green Ranger!

Axem Pink: Struggling for chaos! Pink Ranger!

Axem Yellow: I don't get a line! Yellow Ranger!

Axem Rangers: WE ARE THE AXEM RANGERS!

BEWNEEWNEWNEWNEWNEWNAHNEWNAHWAAAAHHHH!

Iggy: Where did that guitar music come from?

Roy: I dunno, but it's over the top and I kinda like it. I'd rig it for those guys to win if I felt like doin' anything.

Larry: Um... right so... Axem Rangers will win? Probably?

Roy: Meh.

Iggy: Insert witty comment here.

Larry: This is kinda sad.

Pokey: Fight.

DING! DING! DING!

Axem Red: All right team, let's take him down! Just ensure that I get the finishing blow!

Axem Pink: Augh, Reeeeed! You said I would get the final blow!

Axem Red: I say a lot of things. Hey, where did Green go?

Axem Green: I assume none of us wanted Yellow getting the final blow?

Axem Black: Yeah, I woulda just been embarrassed.

Axem Pink: Me too.

Axem Green: Well I just shut him off so that he couldn't get in our way of group dynamics and so I could get the finishing blow more easily.

Axem Red: Fantastic planning! Selfishness is always a great virtue!

Iggy: These guys are absolutely terrible at doing anything.

Axem Red: All right team, free for all then! Charg- Hey, where'd my axe go?

Axem Pink: Aaaaaah! Y-you TOUCHED my axe! You... you'll pay!

Axem Green: Well when you guys weren't looking, I just kinda gave him mine.

Axem Black: Tch. Lucky I always bring a spare.

Axem Red: A GUITAR does NOT count as an axe, Black!

Axem Black: I know. It's better.

Bandit: Uh... pleasure doin' business with you?

Iggy: I don't think I've ever seen a team of bigger, more clueless losers.

Roy: Well according ta this Nintendo Power guide, they ARE teenagers.

Iggy: Well that explains it.

Bandit: Let's see... Ooh, you guys had a Rock Candy in here, nice! Let's use that!

Shoom! Shoom! Shoom!

Axem Rangers: Auuuuuugh!

Axem Green: That was NOT part of the agreement, I was saving that for later. All right, he's going down! Hiya!

Plop.

Axem Green: ... WOW, I am out of shape.

Bandit: Yeah, uh, that was pretty sad there.

Iggy: Green tried to pull off some horribly overly intricate choreography, but he just fell on his face. YA-WN.

Axem Black: Hmph. Gotta do everythin' myself...

NEERNEWNEWNEWROOOOOONG!

Iggy: The sheer power of awesome over-the-top guitar playing does not seem to be affecting Bandit.

Bandit: So, with how much you customized that, how much ya think that's-

Axem Red: SURPRISE KARATE ATTACK!

Bandit: Augh!

Iggy: It seems awesome over-the-top guitar playing is a great distraction, though!

Axem Black: Red! You idiot, get out of the way!

Axem Red: Huh? But I thought tha-

Axem Black: This is the new, AWESOME way I cast Spritz Bomb! And I can't change where I'm aiming it, the power of rock won't let me!

Axem Red: That is stupidly specific!

Axem Black: It's also incredibly cool!

Axem Red: True that.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Axem Red: Auuuuuugh!

Iggy: On the plus side, the Rangers have their axes back. On the down side, Bandit hasn't so much as attacked with his own weapons yet and they're on a good pace to defeating themselves.

Bandit: Or, y'know, I coulda just put a Bob-omb on your backs while you were busy being distracted by guitar.

Axem Black: That's a lie! No one can resist the power of guitar long enough t-

BOOM!

Axem Pink: Aaaaahhhh! M-my lips, they're... SINGED! Ooh, you little brat, you'll PAY!

Bandit: Well I had enough time for one at least.

Axem Pink: Grrrr... Petal Blast!

Axem Green: Wait! We agreed that we set off friendly fire back on Blade, ri-?

Poof!

Iggy: And then Axem Green was transformed into a Mushroom.

Bandit: Yeah, when you're as good as I am at planting Bob-ombs to mess with optical sensors of robots, that kind of happens.

Axem Red: Ya!

SLASH!

Bandit: Argh!

Axem Red: You'll notice I'm the only one who's hit him so far, guys.

Axem Black: Fine then. I'll KICK IT UP A NOTCH!

Iggy: Black is now playing his guitar BEHIND HIS HEAD! This is at least ten kinds of awesome!

Roy: Still boring.

Iggy: Oh, right. Boring.

Roy: Awesome, though.

Iggy: Yeah, I know, right?!

Larry: You guys make less sense than usual.

Axem Red: Axem Punch!

KA-PUNCH!

Bandit: Ha! You're not quite fast enough, pally!

Axem Red: You... you stole my bank account numbers, you BRAT! Hrrrrng! Valor Up!

Iggy: Red got shiny or something.

Axem Red: KICK IT INTO OVERDRIVE! PINK!

Axem Red and Axem Pink: AXEM COMBO!

GO GO AXEM RANGERS!

Iggy: ... I'm not sure that qualifies as a sound effect.

Roy: The guitar of awesome wills it!

Bandit: Ow! Augh! Eeugh! Ouch! Aaaahhhh!

Iggy: They're just beating the tar out of Bandit! This might be a power that we've never seen before in the Sports Hall!

Larry: If they weren't so incredibly inept at everything, then yes, they'd naturally be incredibly strong.

Axem Pink: And now, CUTE AND POP GENOCIDE FINISHER!

Axem Red: Pink, no! We agreed we would use the Final Axem Finisher!

Axem Pink: Red, you forget the dumbest things! We're finishing him off my way, you couldn't have done this without me.

Axem Red: Yellow could've done a better job than you! And he only had one line so far!

Axem Pink: Oh, so it's MY fault you can- Powering off bzzzzzz...

Bandit: Y'know, when you have clearly-labeled "off" switches, it kinda doesn't make this very fair.

Axem Red: Dang it! Black, come on, help me out!

Axem Black: I'm, like, ten lines away from the chorus, hang on!

Iggy: And, through incredible stupidity and selfishness and GUITAR, it looks like Bandit might pull off a small miracle an-

KA-SMASH!

Axem Black: Psyche.

Bandit: Oooohhhhh... my heeeeead...

Iggy: ... or Black could smash his guitar on Bandit's head. That works, too.

Axem Red: ... Alrl ight, let's just use the Breaker Beam to finish him off.

Axem Black: I think that's fair. We did about equal damage, all things considered, and Yellow didn't mess anything up. I'm cool with it.

Axem Red: All right! Breaker Beam, start charging!

Blade: ...

Axem Red: ... I said, Breaker Beam, start CHARGING!

Larry: Remind me how we didn't notice the massive battleship hovering above the Sports Hall until now.

Roy: It looks stupid.

Larry: Ah.

Axem Red: CURSE YOU, BREAKER BEAM, START CHARGING RIGHT NOW!

Bandit: Heh... heheh... I guess it was a good thing I stole these.

Axem Red: You... stole the keys to BLADE?!

Axem Black: Dude, our massive battleship has keys to operate it? Rather than, like, the power of rock or magical artifacts? Not cool.

Axem Red: Well EXCUSE ME for having to make some cutbacks. Though this begs the question as to why it hasn't crashed int-

CRASH!

Axem Red: ...

Axem Black: ...

Bandit: And THAT is why you don't leave your anti-gravity field in plain sight where I can easily rig it to turn off at my whims.

Iggy: Have we ever had a massive object crash into the Sports Hall and NOT completely destroy it, but just hit its targets instead?

Roy: I dunno but that little guy actually did it! I-I-I can't believe tha-

Axem Yellow: ... whozit? Uhhhh, what happened? Green gave me this little mushroom, guess it was real good and I dozed off uhhh... Oh, right, fighting!

ROCKET PUNCH!

Bandit: Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Axem Yellow: TASTE THE FURY OF MY SPAMMING THE SAME BROKEN MOVE OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

BAM! WHAM! SLAM! OUCH! KA-BANG!

Iggy: I... I didn't realize his hands could come off and fight the enemy on their own.

Bandit: Uuuuuugh...

Plop.

Pokey: Bandit, out. Axem Rangers, winner.

Axem Yellow: Whooo! Oh yeah! I'm the greatest! Everyone else is terrible! Except maybe Black! He has cool guitar music and stuff!

Roy: This... this has to be a joke. I mean, come ON!

Larry: Well, yes, the Axem Rangers kind of are a joke, but-

Roy: RAGH!

Roy leaps from his seat in the announcer’s booth, doing a backflip into the ring and landing on two feet, then pointing in some random direction as his sunglasses glint. Iggy holds up a 10, Larry an 8, and Pokey, with an impossible shrug, holds up a 9 as the crowd claps appreciately.

Roy: Losers! Losers… Losers… Losers…

Larry just shakes his head as Iggy puts down the 10 and takes out a 7 instead.

Iggy: It’s not cool when you mimic your own echo, you know.

Roy: Shut up! I can’t take it anymore! How long’s it been since Iggy reached Round Three, like, five months? I can’t take it anymore!

Iggy: You mean you can’t wait for Round Two to get started as we move toward crowning the ninth season champion?

Roy: What? No, I just can’t deal with sitting next to you anymore. The booth was already barely hanging on to a decent coolness score with Larry sticking around.

            ‘
Iggy: : (

Roy: Since apparently no one around here’s got the strength to beat even three chumps in a row, I guess I’m just going to have to hand someone a spot, now, won’t I?

Biff Atlas: All right! Another chance for Biff!

Roy: No! I’m taking about this loser!

*points to Dark Star*

Roy: This loser!

*points to Bowser Castle*

Roy: This loser!

*points to Count Cannoli*

Roy: And this loser!

*points to Bandit’s unconscious body*

Roy: Because at least they managed two wins before they became losers! Here’s how it will work. With four fighters having won two matches since someone qualified for Round Three, we are going to implement a new rule. The four fighters that Roy named, who would otherwise have gone through Round Two, will compete next week in a four-way match for the Round Three spot. The winner gets that spot as though he’d just won three fights in a row. The losers will still get another chance by going through Round Two.

Axem Yellow: Hello? Active champion hungry for victory over here?

Roy: I was getting to that! Yeah, so somehow the Axem Rangers won, but we’re not going to wait any longer just to see them probably lose as well! So the Axem Rangers will participate in Round Two as a one-week champion…

Axem Yellow: That’s not fair! We could’ve won…!

Roy: Life’s not fair (especially with me around). But anyway, because I’m so generous, if the Axem Rangers don’t make it through Round Two (which is only to be expected), they will return to start the second half of the season, and could reach Round Three with just two more wins.

Axem Yellow: Oh! Well… that sounds ok!

Roy: But if they don’t win two more matches, then they’re done! No chance at Round Two in the second half.

Axem Yellow: Aw… Doesn’t matter. We’re going for it!

Roy: Sure, you just tell yourself that. And, like, fix your bros. or something.

Larry: Wow, Roy. I don’t know if this is really thoughtful or just, um… stupid.

Roy: The first one. I thought about it.

Iggy: I’m still upset about what you said.

Roy: I’m good with it. Next week’s your last week announcing; I’m good with that, too.

            ‘
Iggy: : (
            ‘

Pokey: Bye.