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Dark Star vs Bowser Castle vs Count Cannoli vs Bandit

Announcer Referee <-Prev--Next->

***

Roy: Coming at you LIVE from Bowser’s Castle, it’s the long, long, long, long, long-awaited Round Two of Season Nine here at Roy’s Sports Hall!

Larry: … How long did you have to wait?

Iggy: How long is a man’s life? How long must petals dance in the wind? How can we measure the speck of dust in the eye of eternity?

…

Iggy: And double that.

Roy: This isn’t your poetry corner, Iggy.

Iggy: Then explain why two walls are converging here. Bet you can’t.

Roy:  Bet I can punch you through one.

Iggy: Fair enough, fair enough. I will respectfully quiet myself.

Roy: Well, I suppose you HAVE to introduce the contestants.

Iggy: All right, I’ll do it with vigor! In the Red Corner, it’s the perilous purplish pentagram, DARK STAR!

Dark Star: I SHALL STRIKE YOU DOWN.

Iggy: In the Yellow Corner, it’s the master thief experienced in disguise, larceny, and moustache grooming! COUNT CANNOLI!

Count Cannoli: I won’t fail this time, Bandit. The Sliver Zephyr will reign victorious!

Iggy: And in the Blue Corner, it’s just your everyday BANDIT!

Bandit: Not anymore! Boy, this wand is great!

Count Cannoli: I will steal Goodstyle back. He belongs with his rightful owner.

Bandit: For a thief, you sure are concerned with ownership, aren’t you?

Iggy: Those of you at home will be wondering why I didn’t announce Bowser Castle in the Green Corner. That’s because it’s in every corner! King Dad is operating all of the traps and other goodies in this castle! If the fighters can navigate to the central control room and shut down the castle, it’s eliminated, but if all three of them lose or leave the castle, King Dad wins!

Bowser: This’ll be a piece of cake! This castle’s so big you’ll never be able to find the control room!

Count Cannoli: We’ll see about that. I did navigate all of those confusing maps in my game, after all.

Bandit: And my family worked in your castle since you were just a kid!

Dark Star: AND I CAN TELEPORT.

…

Bowser: Roy, this is rigged.

Roy: It’s always rigged–

Bowser: It’s rigged against me!

Larry: Actually, there’s a number of factors to consider be–

Roy: Enough! Larry votes for King Dad’s castle, now fight!

Pokey: Hey.

Roy: Oh, sorry, Pokey.

Larry: That’s the first time you’ve apologized to anyone ever.

Roy: Pokey’s my main cactus. He deserves some respect.

Pokey: Thank you. Fight.

DING DING DING!

Bowser: Whoops, pit trap in the floor!

KACHUNK!

Iggy: And King Dad takes the initiative by destroying the floor! This could be the end!

Bandit: Whoops! That was a close one!

Dark Star: REMOVE YOUR FILTHY HANDS FROM ME, CUR.

Count Cannoli: Sorry, but it’s part of the business.

Flip!

Bowser: WHAT?! That’s ridiculous!

Iggy: Amazing! All three of them dodged, Bandit by putting on a Fiend Costume and the Count by swinging off Dark Star!

Dark Star: YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE.

KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM!

Count Cannoli: Wow, I thought the lines on my show were cliché! See ya!

Iggy: Count Cannoli’s run off somewhere into the castle. It’s just Dark Star and Bandit now!

Bandit: Gotta get away from this crumbling floor!

WHAM!

Thwomp: OOR! ME WORK OVERTIME!

Bowser: BWAHAHAHA! Make sure he falls and I’ll give you some time off, Thwomp!

Thwomp: THWOMP COULD USE VACATION FROM POUNDING THINGS VERTICALLY. COULD USE TO POUND THINGS HORIZONTALLY.

Iggy: Like the old saying, Bandit’s in between a rock that speaks and a steep drop!

Roy: Like what saying?

Iggy: Eh.

Bandit: This isn’t over yet!

Foom!

Bandit: Aha!

Bowser: How did he find that hidden passageway?! Thwomp, take pursuing action!

KABOOM!

Thwomp: OOOOOOOOOR!

SMASH!

Dark Star: A MERE PIECE OF ROCK CANNOT STOP ME IN MY PURSUIT.

Bandit: Uh oh!

KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM!

Bandit: Yipes!

Foom! WARP!

Dark Star: I WILL FIND YOU.

WARP!

Iggy: Bandit and Dark Star have teleported away! It’ll take some time to find them in this huge arena, so let’s look at how Cannoli’s been doing!

Cannoli: Huge roundabout… giant fireballs… item boxes… must be the kart track. I’m going in the right direction.

Bowser: Or ARE YOU?

Cannoli: Aha! Here it is! Bowser’s treasury!

…

Roy: Aw, no, I forgot about that! And we let two thieves in here!

Bowser: What?! That’s… that’s…

Cannoli: And it’s mine for the taking!

???: NOT SO FAST!

Bowser: Exactly what I wanted.

Anti Guy 1: Prepare yourself!

Anti Guy 2: Nothing you can say will stop us!

Anti Guy 3: And we do not take bribes!

Count Cannoli: Not even some delicious Lemon Candy for my favorite three upgraded minibosses?

Anti Guy 2: Well, if it’s Lemon Candy, I suppose…

Anti Guy 1: Stay strong, Brother! We have a steady paycheck and some airtime! Try not to think about that tangy sweetness, and the sugar encrusting the edge, and the way it delicately melts in your mouth…

…

Anti Guy 1: Make it five apiece.

Count Cannoli: Take a whole bag!

Anti Guy 3: Yay, bribes!

Anti Guy 2: The control room’s three floors up, right after the buzz-saw trap!

Bowser: They told him about the buzz-saw trap?! Don’t they know how much I spent on that thing?!

Iggy: Ooh, things aren’t looking good for King Dad or us!

Count Cannoli: I’ll come back for the money when I’m sure Dark Star can’t blow me up. Eh, what’s a few thousand coins?

Swipe!

Iggy: Ohhh, boy.

Bowser: MY GOLD! YOU’LL PAY FOR THAT! ACTIVATE THE TRAPS!

Koopa: All of them, sir?

Bowser: ALL. OF. THEM.

Beep! FOOM! BZZZZZZZ! KACHUNK! KACHUNK! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! SCREEEEEEEE! Squeak squeak!

Count Cannoli: Oh, my! This has to be in the top five hardest places to steal from. Too bad it’s only number four.

Dodge! Dance! Leap!

Bowser: GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Send the leader of those buffoons to me!

Anti Guy: Sir, you wanted to see me?

Bowser: Yes, Anti Guy. I’m very disappointed in you. You know we’ll offer counterbribes, you should have negotiated for his hat.

Anti Guy: Very sorry, sir. I’ll stand guard for this big red button that deactivates the castle as penance.

Bowser: Yes, yes. A very fitting punishment. And no candy until your shift’s over!

Anti Guy: You drive a hard bargain.

BEEP!

Anti Guy: MORON.

Iggy: WOAH! Dark Star possessed an Anti Guy as he was running to the control room! And just like that…

Freem freem freem…klunk.

Pokey: Bowser’s castle, eliminated.

Iggy: That was embarrassing. Say, this isn’t the Bowser’s Castle that hangs in midair, is it?

Roy: We had a kart section, so I don’t think so…

…

Iggy: It’s funny, though, I can feel a sensation as though we were falling.

Roy: Now that you mention it, I kind of feel it too.

…

Iggy: Aw, great, I think we are about to impact the ground at great speed, shattering our home into a million pieces.

Roy: Eh, we still have time for a match.

Count Cannoli: Looks like someone deactivated the traps. Time to go back and get my treasure.

Anti Guy: CEASE.

Count Cannoli: What the?

Anti Guy: THIS BODY… THIS UNLIMITED POWER… THIS OPTIONAL BOSS ABILITY… I HAVE NEVER FELT ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE. BEHOLD! ANTI COMBO!

Whoosh!

Iggy: Did you see something?

CRR-ACK!

Count Cannoli: GUWAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Anti Guy: AAAAHAHAHAHAHA.

Count Cannoli: If only… if only I had Goodstyle…

Bandit: Did someone just say they lacked style?

Count Cannoli: My… my wand! It shall be mine!

Bandit: Sorry, it looks like the teacher’s become the student.

Anti Guy: RRAAAAAGH!

Iggy: With a possessed Anti Guy closing in behind him and Bandit running towards him with Goodstyle, Count Cannoli is quickly running out of options!

Count Cannoli: Last match was a fluke. I shall retrieve what is rightfully mine!

Bandit: You want your antique? You want it? Huh? Huh?

FLING!

Bandit: Go get it!

Count Cannoli: NYEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHHHH!

LEAP!

…

Pokey: Count Cannoli, ring out.

Anti Guy: YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO PROTECT YOU. YOU HAVE LOST.

Bandit: If I have, then try punching me. Go ahead.

Anti Guy: … NO. DARK LIGHTNING!

ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Bandit: BLAGIDIAGIDIAGIDIAGIDIAGGGG!

Iggy: For someone who throws around villain lines like they’re confetti at a parade, Dark Star’s surprisingly savvy about Bandit’s tricks!

Bandit: How… how did you know the wand I threw was just Iggy’s?

Iggy: What?

Anti Guy: WAND OR NOT, I AM THE WINNER. MY POWER FAR EXCEEDS YOURS.

Bandit: Well, it would have, if not for the quick disguise switch I made before you shocked me.

Anti Guy: …

Bandit: Well? Go ahead and attack me if you think I can’t defend. I can’t run away with my spoils; after all, this is an arena match.

Anti Guy: HEH.

ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Bandit: Ha ha!

Iggy: I see! Bandit’s wearing the Electro costume and he’s absorbing the lightning! This isn’t good for Dark Star!

Anti Guy: NO!

Bandit: Let’s start shocking!

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Anti Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Ungh.

Flump!

Bandit: All right, I won!

Pokey: No.

Bandit: What?

Dark Star: THE CACTUS IS CORRECT.

Bandit: AAAARGH! HOW?!

Dark Star: I SIMPLY RELINQUISHED MY HOLD ON THE GRAY ONE. NOW YOU SHALL PERISH, THOUGH I COMMEND YOUR VALIANCE IN THE FACE OF CERTAIN DEATH.

Bandit: Just try me!

Dark Star: AND I SHALL. DAAAAARK…

Wham! Wham! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

Iggy: What’s that sound?

Thwomp: oooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR–

WHAAAAAAAM!

Dark Star: NOOOOOOooooooooooo…

Thwomp: ME GO ON BREAK NOOOooooooooowwww…

Pokey: Ring out. Winner, Bandit.

Iggy: I don’t believe it! Bandit was still running away from that Thwomp and positioned Dark Star under it so he was flung to earth!

Bandit: I won! Now to loot that treasury!

Bowser: Someone stop him!

Iggy: We can’t, all your defenses are down!

Bowser: What? WHAT? WHAAAAAAAT?!

Roy: Don’t worry, King Dad, I invented a new chair just for these special occasions. So, Larry, you ever go on one of those spinny carnival wheels?

Larry: What did I do?

Roy: Everything. Who’s a poet now, Iggy?

Larry: BLAGIDIAGIDIAGIDIAGGGGG! END TRANSMISSION!

Pokey: Bye.