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Roy: In the Red Corner this week, is Count Bleck.
Count Bleck: Bleh heh heh BLECK! …will win. Because he’s Count Bleck. Said Count Bleck.
Roy: And in the Blue Corner, is Cackletta.
Cackletta: Eyeh heh heh heh heh! I will possess the victory in the end! And then, the Beanstar will be mine! … Somehow. Still gonna get it, you know…
Roy: Now we’ve already got enough loonies this week, so for announcing duties I’ve replaced Iggy with an expert on both of these fighters, King Dad!
Bowser: Bwahahaha! My laugh is normal, fools!
Larry: What makes you such an expert?
Bowser: I’ve been pwned by both of them!
Larry: … Ok…? But I’m sure you don’t want to talk about that-
Bowser: Oh, I don’t mind! Now Blecky-boy, he kidnapped me and my minions without hardly any resistance. Before he even had the Chaos Heart! And he forced me into marriage with Princess Peach Toadstool. Which I would have done myself anyway, if I could! Oh, I still feel the sting from when Clawdia slapped me after that adventure.
Larry: What did she hit you for?
Bowser: For marrying another woman.
Larry: Oh, right.
Bowser: Too bad that didn’t last. Oh, and as for Hagletta (by which I mean Cackletta, not that other hag Kammy), she possessed my body, turned me really ugly, and forced me to terrorize the Beanbean Kingdom and fight the Mario Brothers. Which I would have done anyway if I had the idea! Oh, I still feel the sting from when Clawdia slapped me after that adventure.
Larry: Wait, what did she hit you for that time?
Bowser: For being another woman.
Larry: … Ouch.
Bowser: Yeah, that one I’m glad didn’t last.
Cackletta: Hello…? Ready to cause torment and misery over here…? Pay attention to me!
Count Bleck: Count Bleck doesn’t mind… shrugged Count Bleck. He will be used to being ignored, once he has destroyed all worlds.
Roy: I’m starting to feel uncool by way of my father, anyway. Let’s start this.
Pokey: Don’t hit below the belt.
Cackletta: Eyeh heh heh! That’s not a problem for me.
Count Bleck: I’m pretty sure Count Bleck only has a torso anyway.
Pokey: No possessing your opponent.
Cackletta: Eyeh heh- What?! Why not?
Pokey: Then you’re the same person. So who wins?
Pokey: And no destroying the world.
Count Bleck: Count Bleck will try… lied Count Bleck with his fingers crossed behind his back.
Roy: Wow, he’s an even worse liar than Larry.
Larry: I lie well! I do it all the time!
Roy: Yeah, you do! So I know not to believe anything you say!
Larry: What about the time when-
Bowser: My boys! Quiet down. If there’s going to be an outburst around here, it’s going to come from me.
Larry: … He started it.
Roy punches Larry.
Bowser: Enough. I wonder what’s for dinner…
Pokey: … Fight.
Count Bleck immediately begins charging ahead.
Count Bleck: It’s a good thing we spent so much time talking, mused Count Bleck. With Count Bleck’s speed, this fight will be over in seconds!
Cackletta: Time to triple my life expectancy!
Count Bleck: Oh, wow, so you’ll live for a whole minute! … Mused Count Bleck, still charging.
Cackletta: Laugh now, but I’ll be the one laughing in the end! Actually, we’ll probably both be laughing in the end since we’re both crazy. Eyeh heh heh!
Bowser: Wow, this is the slowest fast charge ever. So Count Bleck is dashing towards Cackletta, who has just split herself into three, two of them being clones. Bleck is still charging for one of them, but will it be the right one? Find out… in a few minutes because man this is going slow.
Roy: Hey Larry, aren’t you supposed to make a prediction?
Larry: Kind of late now, isn’t it?
Roy: Eh, no one’s hurt each other yet anyway…
Larry: Hm, ok. Well, it’s a really easy pick, anyway. Cackletta has the worst record ever at 0-4. Plus she has another loss if you count her appearance as Bowletta.
Larry: … Uh, yeah… Anyway, she still ought to be able to beat someone, but I don’t think Count Bleck will be that person because he’s actually pretty strong. So I’ve got to go with Bleck.
Bowser: And! Finally, we’ve got contact. Bleck hits the first Cackletta, but just runs through it because that was a fake. But then he just keeps running and hits the other two Cacklettas, too! The first is also a fake and disappears, but the third one is real and lets out a shriek!
Cackletta: Eyaahh! You may have been fast enough to outdo my cloning trick, but not even you can dodge lightning!
Count Bleck: At least it only strikes once, planned a confident Count Bleck.
Bowser: I’m sure everyone is surprised that lightning struck twice. Cackletta summoned the blasts; Bleck did manage to dodge the first, but he got hit in the head by the second. Bleck looks ok, actually, but his top hat is toast! And he doesn’t look happy about it!
Count Bleck: You’ve made Count Bleck angry, raged Count Bleck! And when Count Bleck gets angry, things get destroyed! Taste obliteration!
Cackletta: It didn’t taste that bad the last time.
Count Black: Hee-yah!
Cackletta: Uh oh…
Bowser: Count Bleck zooms towards Cackletta. Now he’s shooting those black hole things out of his wand while also beating her with it! Cackletta is trying to summon bats, but they’re just flying away in fright from the raging madman! And Cackletta’s hole attacks aren’t helping because Bleck is floating. This is the worst beatdown I’ve seen since Iggy mauled that Shy Guy! And now she’s down!
Larry: I think she’s dead…
Roy: You’re really not a very good spy, you know that?
Count Bleck: (panting) I can only…. hope… that Timpani… will still love… Count Bleck… even though… he is really… short… and bald… Oh, and Count Bleck wins! Bleh heh heh BLECK!
Pokey: Not yet.
Count Bleck: Bleh…?
A ghost emerges from Cackletta’s body.
Bowser: Do I even have to announce this? This is so clichéd.
Larry: Not like yourself, King Dad.
Bowser: Of course.
Cackletta’s Soul: Don’t worry, you won’t have to narrate much longer. I may not be able to possess my opponent, but I’m sure I’ll be comfortable back in my old haunt. Eyeh heh heh! Make room, because here I come!
Bowser: Oh DAD. She’s possessed me before. And now she’s going to possess me again! … Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! … I’m so getting slapped again, aren’t I?
And… it’s done. Cackletta’s Soul enters Bowser’s body, and Bowletta is reborn!
Bowletta: Now it’s on, like… that guy!
Nintendo: Trademarked! Kaching~
Count Bleck: This is so not fair, whined Count Bleck, already a sore loser without having lost.
Pokey: Keep fighting.
Roy: This is just great. Now King Dad’s even more ugly than usual.
Larry: Didn’t he already fight this season? For Croco?
Roy: I guess we need a new announcer, too.
???: Wah wah wah wah wah wah… WAH!
Roy: Iggy… I don’t know whether a problem’s been solved or created.
Iggy: I’m back! So what have we got today… ah, Count Bleck vs. Bowletta, I see. That’s not quite what the title card said but it will have to do!
Count Bleck: Count Bleck is impressed that you’ve managed to survive, but how can you hope to overcome the speed of Count Bleck? In this form you must be even slower than before!
Bowletta: How about you try me, little man? I’ll just be over here preparing my fire attacks when you’re ready.
Count Bleck: It hardly seems worth it, shrugs Count Bleck, but charge!
Iggy: Bleck races towards the large and presumably slow Bowletta, to finish her off once more. He makes contact!... but just bounces off!
Count Bleck: What is this, demanded Count Bleck?!
Bowletta: Eyeh heh heh! Are you really so dumb? I may be slow; I’m also as thick as a wall! And you, my friend, are no powerhouse. So now, it’s my turn! Heh, it looks like there’s a hundred percent change today of meteors!
Iggy: A hailstorm of meteors are now falling towards Count Bleck! They don’t seem to be coming straight from Bowletta so I guess she summoned them… through the ceiling?
Larry: Maybe they came out of one of Bleck’s black holes…
Iggy: Such an attack ought to flatten anyone… but the meteors just bounce off Count Bleck! But how?
Bowletta: Yeah, how?
Count Bleck: With the power of the Chaos Heart again under his control, no one can harm Count Bleck! … Just his top hat…
Larry: So Bleck’s invincible? No wonder this has been so one-sided. Is this even legal?
Roy: *shrug* If you’ve got it, use it.
Iggy: Cool resurrection or no, what can Cackletta possibly do about this? It looks like she’s doomed to drop to an even worse record. Too bad she’s not as awesome as me, wah WAH!
Bowletta: Eyeh heh heh! Laugh all you want – you know I will – but look what I’ve got in my shell!
Count Bleck: Bleh heh heh- WHAT?!
It’s the Pure Hearts!
Count Bleck: But how…?
Bowletta: Actually, I don’t know. Let’s see…
Bowletta appears lost in thought while, from inside Bowser’s body, Cackletta’s Soul searches his memory banks.
Bowletta: … Aha! So you know how after Super Paper Mario, Peach and Bowser were suddenly no longer married? That’s because Bowser agreed to the separation in exchange for the Pure Hearts.
Cackletta temporarily loses control over Bowser’s body, and the Koopa King’s voice is heard.
Bowser: Best trade I ever made! I get the shiny hearts, and I can keep kidnapping the princess. Total win-win.
Bowletta: Shut up! Now, where were we? Oh yes, I suppose I should use these Pure Hearts, hm?
Count Bleck: Count Bleck was hoping you’d forget… muttered Count Bleck.
Iggy: Bowletta releases the Pure Hearts that conveniently had been stored in Bowser’s shell. They circle around Count Bleck, and his mostly-invisible shield briefly appears before shattering!
Count Bleck: Count Bleck may no longer be invincible, but that wasn’t necessary the first time he defeated this body. So try dealing with this, attacked Count Bleck!
Bowletta: Childsplay… and I’m far older than that!
Iggy: Count Bleck has shot ice from out of his staff! But this may not have been his best choice, as Bowletta breathes a stream of fire that easily melts the ice and engulfs the Count. But Count Bleck wraps himself in his cape and is protected from the flames.
Count Bleck: This has gone on long enough, shouted an exasperated Count Bleck.
Bowletta: I agree, so it’s time I put an end to this battle – and to you!
Thundering footsteps sound as Bowletta stampedes towards her opponent.
Count Bleck: Bleh heh, please! … Scoffed Count Bleck. You’ll never reach me at that speed. Instead, I’ll have all the time I need to create a black hole that will erase you from this world. Commence!
Iggy: What suspense! As Bowletta rumbles towards Bleck, the Count is charging up for a massive spell. It looks like this is going to come down to who strikes first!
Count Bleck: Ahh…
Bowletta: *rumble, rumble*
Count Bleck: …hh…
Bowletta: *rumble, rumble*
Count Bleck: …h! It’s done! Black h-OWWWW!!! Oh… fainted Count Bleck.
Pokey: Cackletta wins.
Iggy: Amazing! Count Bleck took just a second too long to cast his spell, and was completely steamrolled by Bowletta. The janitors will be peeling him off the floor this evening. But for now, the winner is Bowl- I mean, Cackletta!
Cackletta’s Soul exits Bowser’s body and returns to her own. Bowser remains unconscious on the floor, though he looks oddly happy. Though thought to have been killed, Cackletta rises and looks perfectly fine.
Cackletta: Eyeh heh heh! Today, victory is mine! Tomorrow, the Beanstar! … Somehow.
Roy: And so ends another battle here at Roy’s Sports Hall, where this week, history has been made.
Larry: You mean how the fighter with the worst record finally won?
Roy: What? No, I mean how more people laughed, in different ways, than ever before.
Larry: You just made that up.
Roy: You just shut up. For Roy’s Sports Hall, I’m Roy.
Iggy: Hey yeah! I’m Iggy!
|Voting Results (highlight
1. Cackletta: 60%
2. Count Bleck: 40%
Results (highlight to see):
1. Chuckolator, Shadoo: 18%
2. Birdo: 12%
3. Boshi, Koopa Troopa, Boo, Smithy, Gus, Don Bongo, Beldam, Dark Bones, Shroob
X. Midbus, Durmite, Amp
You're not allowed to nominate these now - so don't waste your vote!
- Redip (unofficial fan characters are
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