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Waluigi vs Wario

Announcer Referee <-Prev--Next->

***

Count Bleck: And thus, the universes aligned to bring alight the struggles of two brothers forever in the shadows, not only due to their hands being in a firm grip at each other's necks, but overshadowed by so-called 'heroes'. It is fitting, then, that in the pit of grime and mockery, they should be able to shine as stars. Count Bleck welcomes his captive audience to Roy's Sports Hall, for a battle most foul...

Roy: Worst ten coins I ever made.

Larry: Yeah, that wasn't even remotely poetic. I want the fifteen seconds of my life back you took from me for saying that!

Count Bleck: Count Bleck is surrounded by morons... and Pokey, corrected Count Bleck.

Pokey: Thanks.

Roy: Yeah, yeah, whatever. The POINT is, do you guys have any idea how popular these two losers are?

Larry: You mean the one who has his own game series and the other one who started out incredibly hated, but ended up being hilarious simply for his longevity and desire to butt into everything?

Roy: REALLY POPULAR. I didn't even have to beat people up to get them in! Of course there was that line of people who tried to get in who were broke that I sent packing.

Wario: Best-a. Advertising. Ever.

Waluigi: Wah hah hah... Losers can't keep a hold of their wallets when thinking about Waluigi!

Roy: Well anyway, we made a ton of money, so it looks like we're going to be able to pull out all the stops for Season 10!

Larry: You mean we're going to repair the arena with things other than super glue and cardboard?

Roy: Yup!

Larry: Wow.

Count Bleck: ... May Count Bleck continue?

Roy: What? Oh yeah, sure, just let me keep counting my money. Ooh, someone's tooth is in here, that's a bonus!

Count Bleck: Very well... In the Red Corner, with a fiery gaze in his eyes, we have the shady con-man with an endless streak of luck - though if it's good or bad is highly debatable, added Count Bleck - and a bag full of various tricks. Ladies and gentlemen, Waluigi!

Waluigi: Aw yeah! Wa-lu-i-gi, yeah yeah yeeeeaaaah!

Count Bleck: ... That gesture is most obscene, remarked Count Bleck.

Roy: Bahahahahaha! I suddenly like this guy. Since when did he do that?

Larry: Uh, the soccer game, I think?

Roy: I instantly like that game.

Count Bleck: And in the corner opposing him, with a blue as deep as endless chaos...

Larry: Wouldn't that be black?

Count Bleck: ... Ignoring fools who do not understand the beauty of Count Bleck's prose. It is the man of muscle and the wall of walloping, Count Bleck introduces Wario!

Wario: Wahahahaha! Hey Bro, do us both a favor and-a just quit! There will be SHINY COINS-A involved!

Waluigi: Waluigi thinks your idea is terrible. Waluigi also thinks that yellow is a stupid color.

Wario: NOW YOU'VE-A DONE IT! NO ONE INSULTS THE-A GREAT WARIO'S WARDROBE!

Count Bleck: Sibling rivalry at its finest and most pathetic, commented Count Bleck. And now, for our gloriously pathetic prediction, we bring the diviner, Larry.

Larry: Well, you'd expect Waluigi to be a lot smarter and take this easily, but not only is Wario much stronger, has access to all of Waluigi's abilities and tricks, and is more well-known and
well-liked in general, but he also, in a few minutes, invented a device to teleport himself into a TV, using just household appliances. The man is exceptionally smart. So of course I'm going to pick Waluigi, because he wears more purple.

Roy: How does that help?

Larry: Because purple and stuff.

Count Bleck: Count Bleck supposes that is the best he could ask for from such fools. Their circular logic confuses the normal mind, but as for Count Bleck, he will suffice to know his superiority and ignore the toxin that is their words.

Roy: What? That means it's fightin' time, right?

Count Bleck: If you insist, stated Count Bleck with a sigh.

Roy: All right then, bring on the stupid stick guy beating up the fat guy and vice versa!

Pokey: Fight!

DING! DING! DI-

Waluigi: CHEATING BOB-OMB!

Wario: CHEATING BOB-OMB!

Boom! Boom!

Waluigi: ...

Wario: ... Well, that-a worked. Not.

Count Bleck: The perfect demonstration of futility in opening with the same attack, mused Count Bleck.

Waluigi: Well... errrr... CHEATING BOB-OMB!

Boom!

Wario: Really? That was-a pathetic!

Count Bleck: Mere explosions seem not to phase Wario. Or, at the very least, Waluigi throwing a small Bob-omb doesn't seem to work.

Wario: Well then, ah... LET'S-A SHAKE IT UP!

WHAM! Shakeshakeshake...

Waluigi: WAAAHHHHHHHH! Waluigi says stop that!

Count Bleck: With nothing but brute force, Wario has struck the ground hard enough to stun Waluigi with an earthquake. Such strength impresses even Count Bleck, no matter how poorly it is utilized.

Wario: Wah hah! Have a rotten day!

Waluigi: WAH!

Slam!

Count Bleck: Truly, slamming your stunned brother into the ground is the most sincere showing of love, mocked Count Bleck.

Wario: Wahahahaha! Oh yeah, love it! Eat up just how great the Wario truly is!

Waluigi: Wah hah hah...

Wario: Eh? Bro, you gotta know when to stop laughing, this is-a gunna get sad so-

Waluigi: WALUIGI TWISTER!

Whip! Spinspinspinspinspin!

Wario: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!

Waluigi: And FOOT IN YOUR FACE!

Wham!

Wario: Argh! Grrrr...!

Count Bleck: And as the bulk of Wario descended upon Waluigi, he swiftly spun around again and again, throwing Wario for a loop before kicking him directly in the jaw, clarified Count Bleck.

Waluigi: Wahahaha! Now Waluigi hit you with golf club!

Wham!

Waluigi: Now Waluigi hit you with baseball bat!

Bonk!

Waluigi: Now Waluigi hit you with...

Wario: Tennis racquet?

Thwam!

Waluigi: ARGH! Don't hit Waluigi with what Waluigi going to hit you with! It makes him angry!

Count Bleck: And thus Count Bleck believes we have hit the quota required by the Sports Hall to remind the audience that Waluigi is, in fact, from Mario Sports titles.

Wario: Wahahaha! Wario Uppercut!

Pow!

Waluigi: Waaaahhhhhh!

Crash!

Waluigi: Get... Waluigi... out of this!

Zap!

Waluigi: Blagityblagityblagityblagi- WARGH!

Wario: Pffffff... bahahahahahaha! Wahahahahahaha! Oh, that's-a rich, hahahahahaha!

Count Bleck: Completely unphased by the fact that his brother was just shot through glass and electrocuted, Wario knocked Waluigi straight into a stage light, announced Count Bleck.

Larry: We have stage lights?

Roy: For when I feel like blinding stupid people.

Larry: Stupid people without sunglasses?

Roy: They're the worst kind of stupid people!

Waluigi: Waah... hah... hah...

Fwoom.

Waluigi: WAH! Waluigi mustache is on fire!

Wario: Wahahahahahahaha! O-oh, it's killing me, wahahahahahaha! What a loser!

Count Bleck: And now, Waluigi has chosen to run around in a manner fitting for a man of his intelligence due to his facial hair being set aflame from a loose spark.

Wario: Oooh... ooh... oh, but enough laughing, Wario is-a going to finish this now.

Vroom! Vroom!

Count Bleck: A motorcycle has materialized itself underneath Wario. Count Bleck does not understand this sorcery!

Wario: It's-a called Wario being-a the GREATEST!

Waluigi: Wah! Uhhhh... CHEATING BOB-OMB!

Wario: Oh that will-a wo-

Boom!

Wario: WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!

Count Bleck: As the old adage goes, Count Bleck recited, the third time is the charm. Though Count Bleck must wonder why the Bob-omb would be considered cheating at this point.

Waluigi: Waluigi ALWAYS cheating! And being great!

Count Bleck: Of course you do.

Waluigi: Now Waluigi throw the stupid wheel of your stupid blown-up motorcycle at you!

Chomp!

Waluigi: Errr...

Wario: Eh, not the worst thing I've ever eaten.

Waluigi: Waluigi eat YOU!

Chomp!

Wario: ... uh...

Waluigi: WALUIGI BITE HARDER!

Chomp! Chomp!

Wario: ...

Wham!

Waluigi: OW! WALUIGI NOSE!

Count Bleck: Count Bleck... found that incredibly disturbing.

Wario: So, Loserigi-a Bro, you-a going to actually fight now? 'Cause the Great Wario is just getting warmed up! LET'S SHAKE IT!

Waluigi: WAH HAH HAH!

SLAM! Shakeshakeshake...

Waluigi: Waah! And-a one, and-a two, and-a GET OUT OF WALUIGI DANCE ROUTINE.

KICK!

Wario: Oof!

Count Bleck: Count Bleck cannot even fathom what occurred. Apparently Waluigi... Count Bleck still cannot bring himself to say it.

Roy: Did he just do... water ballet? In the AIR? Since when can he do THAT?

Larry: Mario Power Tennis.

Roy: No matter how many times I see this guy, I STILL get creeped out.

Waluigi: And Waluigi KEEP KICKING YOU! AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wario: Ow! Argh! OW! NO NOT THE NOSE! ARRRRGH!

Waluigi: Wahahahahaha! Stomp stomp stomp time!

Wario: Grrrrr... hrrrrrrumph!

Count Bleck: Count Bleck does not approve of the sound the fat one is making. Instead, the escape from this establishment will be made... by Count Bleck!

Shoom!

Roy: Huh, where'd Stupid Hat go?

Larry: Probably to escape the blast.

Roy: Why are you wearing a gas mask?

Larry: ...

Roy: ... Oh.

Waluigi: Wah? Where's everyo- NONONONONONONO!

Wario: WAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

KA-BOOM!

Waluigi: WALUIGI FLESH, IT BUUUUURNS!

Shoom!

Count Bleck: And, as Count Bleck magnificently escaped such a ferocious blast, he sees that the purple skinny one was not so lucky... How tragic.

Roy: Speak for yourself, it's gonna take Larry SO LONG to get the stench out of here!

Count Bleck: Count Bleck must ask, how are you still conscious, young Koopa?

Roy: Just that awesome.

Wario: Wahahahaha! Oh yeah, SMELL IT!

Waluigi: Wah... wah... wah...

Wario: Still up, eh? Well, the Great Wario knows no restraint! He will show you the terror... of-a Wario Man!

Count Bleck: And now Wario is reaching into his back pocket to get some garlic.

Wario: All right, time to snack.

Chomp! BOOM!

Wario: WAH! What was...?

Count Bleck: You just ate a Bob-omb, explained Count Bleck.

Wario: How?! The Great Wario always lines his pockets with dozens of cloves of garlic!

Waluigi: Wahahahahaha! Waluigi always cheats and-a stuffs pockets with Bob-ombs!

Wario: You... YOOOU! My... precious garlic... YOU WILL-A PAY!

Count Bleck: Count Bleck cannot see what the fat one is pulli- oh, it is a Fire Flower. Count Bleck wishes everyone in the audience well in their last brief seconds of life.

Larry: W-won't that blow up Wario, too?

Wario: THE GREAT WARIO CAN TAKE IT! HAVE A ROTTEN DAY!

Shoom. FWOOM! BLAMMO!

Count Bleck: Count Bleck assumes that 'blammo' is an appropriate sound effect for the entire Sports Hall exploding?

Roy: Y'know, you'd think I'd be more phased by this.

Count Bleck: Count Bleck still wonders how you can be conscious in this instance, but never in the ring.

Wario: Wah... haah... hah... yes... Wario... is the-a greatest! Wah hah hah... And now-a, Wario would like you-a to make him a sandwich... so-a he can stop feeling like his entire body is-a burning... everywhere.

Pokey: Wa-

Waluigi: Wah heh heh...

Wario: What's that-a wall of a-

Waluigi: Expecting an easy victory?

KICK!

Waluigi: TOO BAD WALUIGI TIME!

Wario: Uuuuugh...

Plop!

Pokey: -rio, out. Waluigi is the winner.

Waluigi: OH YEAH! WALUIGI THE GREATEST EVER! And now Waluigi would like you-a to make him a sandwich, so he can stop feeling like his-a entire body is-a burning everywhere!

Count Bleck: Count Bleck can only imagine when the purple one learned how to generate a giant cage of vines to shield himself from such a ferocious blast, and why such a technique would be able to survive the toxic fumes of the most lethal variety bursting into flames. Count Bleck floated in something between awe and disgust that day.

Roy: Larry, you know what game that was from, right?

Larry: ...

Roy: ... Oh. Uh... y'know, he looks better with his skin on. And not as a Dry Bones. And it's more fun when he's conscious, too.

Larry: ...

Roy: ... Yeeeeah this ain't going anywhere. End Transmission.